How much leave for DH? Aka, when might exhaustion let up?

[ArgyleEnigma]

My husband works for a company with an amazing family leave policy--he can take nearly unlimited paid time (up to a year), and has considerable flexibility on how he takes it off, ie big chucks versus shorter weeks.  He's going to tell his boss tomorrow that he has a baby due in June, and should probably give a plan for time off.  I will get three months.  

He asked me how long it usually takes for baby to sleep through the night.  I have no idea, though I know it varies vastly.  But what we really want to know is how long the hardest part usually is--like, feedings every 90 minutes and so on--how long does that last?  Does it lighten up gradually or fairly suddenly?  I am really sleep dependent--I usually get 9+ hours--so that's when I'll need him most. He wants to take 1-3 months while we're still "in the trenches," so to speak, and then either go back or start doing shorter weeks. Without involving money in the calculus, what would you do?

I know we are so lucky to have these options.  Can you ladies help us use them wisely?

[GOmamab15]

Where does he work and are they hiring?

FTM here so no advice but seriously let me know if they're hiring I can relocate

[babyzebra]

That's awesome that your DH has such a great leave policy! A lot of those things will depend on your LO, any problems like reflux or allergies, and if you are breast feeding. Kids will sleep through the night anywhere between 2 weeks and 2.5+ years. I know that none of those things are very helpful for your questions!

DS ate at least every 2 hours until he was around 3 months and he slept through the night at around 6 months. If I were in your (very enviable) shoes, I would want DH to take off between 1-3 months. I would also want to reserve some time too for the first year for when LO will be sick.

[soultrane]

What an amazing policy!!

Is it an option to plan for him to take a month or so at first, and then extend that leave if needed? Or for him to take a second stint off when you go back to work to help with your transition, and so he can take the middle of the night feedings while you sleep?

[csat]

Wow that's an amazing leave policy! Yes, sleep definitely varies widely baby by baby. The first 3 months are typically the hardest for most new parents across the board when it comes to sleep. I think there is also a sleep regression for a lot of babies around 4-5 months if I remember correctly.

As babyzebra mentioned, this leave will be great for any sickness that occurs in the first year (get ready for an interesting winter).

DS was a crap sleeper until he was about 2, but I think he is more of an exception.

[origamimommy]

1. Um where does he work?!

2. The first month is legit survival mode. It gets better soon after that, and then there's a 4ish month sleep regression which is the fucking worst.

These are general guidelines. DS slept through the night almost right away, but was up every single hour once I went back to work. Generally, they get better each month, with 4 hour stretches expected 3-4 months, and you can night wean (if you choose) starting at 4 months.

I also enjoyed my time alone with the baby. I really think it depends on the temperament of your kid though, but I'd suggest a month and then shortened weeks to get you through those three months.

[Andrea]

My husband has similar amazing benefits. We are planning for him to take 3 weeks off after I deliver. Then he is going to go back on an adjusted schedule. Then he is taking a couple of more weeks to stay with the nugget after I go back to work.

[greysonsmom]

I know it would be nice to have him right after delivery but it might be best to take his leave when you go back to work. From the night we brought our son home he slept at least 6 hour stretches when I went back to work that quickly changed. He was up every 1.5 to 2 hours. I was loosing it.

[shan]

My dd is three and I'm still exhausted.

For us, the hardest was the first month, then it lightened up a little bit until 4ish months. Then months 4-6 were brutal. I think it was due to the sleeplessness catching up with us, plus me returning to work. I also expected her to be sleeping more. And she wasn't.

She didn't sleep through the night until 1 year. And now, at 3, I would say she sleeps through the entire night 30% of the time.

[Flair Underwood]

Lucky you and lucky DH! That is AWESOME!

I'd have him split up the time - at least a couple weeks when you get home from delivery.  There is SO MUCH EXHAUSTION at that time, that every single bit of help (from people you want around) helps. My DH did that and I was so thankful.  Then he took a couple more weeks off when I went back to work - which was nice. 

For us - the first three months sucked. DD was up around the clock every two hours until she turned 3 months old. Every two hours. Then she us up every 3 hours for a while... and she finally slept through the night at 15 months old for the very first time. She was up twice a night for almost the first full year.

Some will tell you it depends on if they are BF or FF. I've known BF babies who sleep through the night at 2 weeks old. If you do CIO or that "12 hours in 12 weeks" method (which as far as I'm aware, only works with FF) - you can kind of help them along to sleep through the night. We never did CIO - but I do wish I would've let her whine more.

Sleep deprivation is the number one thing I'm afraid of this time around.

[Flair Underwood]

Dec 15, 2015 19:12:49 GMT -5 Dreaming said:

I am probably in the minority, but I appreciated the alone time that DD and I had during the day while DH was at work.
Would it be possible for him to take off 2 full weeks and then to go in for reduced hours for a couple of months?

I agree!  The first couple days he went back - it was really scary.  But after that, I really appreciate the days spent with just the two of us.  Go for walks, nap, just talk and take time to play... I think that total escape into motherhood and AWAY from the real world for a while wouldn't have happened had DH been home. I think it also made me much more confident in my abilities as a mom - diaper blow outs, and crying freak outs, feeding meltdowns - you have to do it yourself and then know that you can.  

[csat]

Dec 15, 2015 20:20:46 GMT -5 Flair Underwood said:

Some will tell you it depends on if they are BF or FF. I've known BF babies who sleep through the night at 2 weeks old. If you do CIO or that "12 hours in 12 weeks" method (which as far as I'm aware, only works with FF) - you can kind of help them along to sleep through the night. We never did CIO - but I do wish I would've let her whine more.

Sleep deprivation is the number one thing I'm afraid of this time around.

People will also tell you that big babies tend to be better sleepers, I disagree with this (DS was was 9lbs 3oz). 

People will also tell you that if you have a terrible sleeper with your first born that odds are with you for a better sleeper this time around. I don't think I can let myself be that optimistic. A friend had her second child about 4 months ago and she is a great sleeper, her first was not by any stretch of the imagination. She recently said very seriously, 'After all I've been through with C I totally deserve this baby'.  I totally get it. 

ArgyleEnigma, I also agree with others that after the first 4-6 weeks it's kind of nice to have some time alone with the baby during the day once the dust starts to settle a bit (as much as it can) but I would have loved if DH could have gone into work later a couple days a week in months 2-4 so I could try to sleep.

[bighair12]

DD didn't sleep through the night till she was 10 months. MH worked from home a lot during my maternity leave which was nice. But my circumstances sucked for the first month post partum. I had to be hooked up to an IV three times a day and needed someone home with me.
DD was 5 lbs and was an ok sleeper at first.

[regal]

On the sleep/eating issue, you can't plan around this. At all.

If we had a situation like that I would do 2 weeks after the birth and then again when you return to work to at least 6-8 months old.

[packerfan4life]

That's an amazing leave policy. Honestly I'd kill for 3 months off, which is more than I'll have used for two maternity leaves

DD was not a good sleeper. For the first 10 weeks she would not sleep if she wasn't being held so my H would stay up until 2 or 3 and then I'd get up for the day. After that we could at least put her in her crib although we probably didn't consistently get more than 2 or 3 hours at a time until 5 or 6 months. She didn't sttn until 8.5 months. Although she stopped doing that around a year old and hasn't started again since.

[mladerri]

So so envious! I think 2-3 weeks would be amazing. You'd probably have a system or method to the madness by then. If he can do reduced hours after that would help too so you could have a break to shower, nap, etc. Ds didn't sleep through the night until 7 months.

[virginiaorjohn]

FTM here so I'm no help but... Do you have the option of a family member coming over for an hour or so the first couple of days YH goes back to work? That way you might not have to go cold turkey so to speak?

[manybellsdown]

You have a lot of great advice here already. It's true you really can't plan the sleep.

I thought my DH had an amazing leave policy. He had eight weeks, which he took in two chunks. Four weeks at the start (which was wonderful), and four weeks after I went back to work when DD three months. I would do the same again in a heartbeat. The first three weeks are easily survival mode, but we actually went out to brunch a few times as a family right before he went back (at the places you can never get into on the weekends--DD slept the whole time). Then he was able to have the one-on-one time at three months. Plus we extended the need for $$ childcare.

This is a great problem to have. I hope you figure out what will work best for your family.

[greysonsmom]

Dec 15, 2015 20:20:46 GMT -5 Flair Underwood said:

Some will tell you it depends on if they are BF or FF. I've known BF babies who sleep through the night at 2 weeks old. If you do CIO or that "12 hours in 12 weeks" method (which as far as I'm aware, only works with FF) - you can kind of help them along to sleep through the night. We never did CIO - but I do wish I would've let her whine more.

I think every baby really is different. I have a small to average size baby and he was EBF and I did 12 hours by 12 weeks and it worked great until I went back to work.

[sandandsea]

DS will be 4 next week and still doesn't sttn. We have tried everything, he just doesn't sleep. So I wouldn't base it on that.

DH stayed home the first 6 weeks and then took another 2 weeks off my last week at home and my first week back to work. It really helped with the transition back emotionally.

Als while I was home on leave I took care of all motn stuff since I was bf and could theoretically sleep during the day. After I went back to work, we started alternating nights since we both need sleep. And pre baby I was a 9 or more hour per night girl. Now I can survive on 6 and strive for at least 7 and am fine. Just to say that normal will change and you can make do with much less than you think.

[babyzebra]

This thread has me convinced that momnesia exists and that kids are lucky that they're cute!

[ArgyleEnigma]

Wow, this is really amazing input. I can't believe it didn't occur to me to split it so he took most of his leave after I went back to work. That is an amazing idea.
I also wouldn't have thought of really wanting some mother and baby alone time.

It really helps to hear what everyone's experiences have been. I'm among the first in my friends and this generation of family to have a baby, so there's only one couple I can ask irl. It sounds like the first couple weeks are the hardest, the first three months are really hard, and then it is still hard but hopefully manageable. My experiences will vary, haha. Thank you all so much.

By the way, sorry this unexpectedly turned into a bit of a post-'n'-run.

[ArgyleEnigma]

Dec 15, 2015 22:32:44 GMT -5 virginiaorjohn said:

FTM here so I'm no help but... Do you have the option of a family member coming over for an hour or so the first couple of days YH goes back to work? That way you might not have to go cold turkey so to speak?

Ah, probably not. Family isn't too far, a few hours, but not close enough for many day trips.

[shoogars]

My DH takes off a day for labor and the day of the birth. Both times I've ended up alone with the baby in the hospital on day 2. Secretly I love it. It's great bonding time.

As far as babies sleeping, it's different for each one DD1 was a horrible sleeper, I fed her 3 times a night until 9 months and she didn't sleep though the night until 1. DD2 was sleeping in 7 hour stretches starting at 4 weeks, she was so easy!

[littleducky]

Are you going to be going back to work at some point? I'll have to go back to work when LO is 12 weeks, so I'd have DH take 2 weeks or so when LO arrives and then go back to work, and then take off 6 months + when I went back to work, so that LO wouldn't have to go to daycare until around 9 months old. But if you aren't going to be WOTH, that wouldn't apply to you.

[ArgyleEnigma]

Dec 16, 2015 13:56:07 GMT -5 littleducky said:

Are you going to be going back to work at some point? I'll have to go back to work when LO is 12 weeks, so I'd have DH take 2 weeks or so when LO arrives and then go back to work, and then take off 6 months + when I went back to work, so that LO wouldn't have to go to daycare until around 9 months old. But if you aren't going to be WOTH, that wouldn't apply to you.

I'll be back after 12 weeks, too. I think we'd be intimidated to actually take 6 months-- they say it's okay, but no one else takes that much, so what if there's resentment? It would be a huge blow to end up laid off a year later.

[lakecountrygal]

My DH won't get any leave unless it falls that way on his schedule. He had to beg for vacation days the day I'm due and the two days after. He does 12 hour shift work and works 3 shifts a week on a rotating schedule (days for 2 weeks then overnights for 2 weeks). With DS I only got 6 weeks off work because of our financial situation and my job. This time I will get 3 months off and still get paid (I'm a full time SPED teacher) so it won't be as stressful on us financially plus it's summer vacation. He will just be home when he isn't on shift to help, we made it work last time and will do the same this time.

[txmommy14]

Wow! You guys have awesome leave policies. My DH can take FMLA, which is up to 12 weeks unpaid, but nothing paid. Last time he stayed home for a week, it was too hard to take off much more than that. We're trying to save so he can take a week off again this time. I so wish he could be home longer though.

[txmommy14]

And honestly, my DS went through a really rough patch at around 4 months, that sleep regression is no joke. He still didn't sleep through the night until 6 months or so, but part of that was probably because he tested positive for a metabolic disease on his newborn screening and we had to do all this testing and take precautions (waking him up every 2 hours to eat) until he got the all clear from his "gene sequencing."

[ArgyleEnigma]

DH had his meeting today. He asked for 6 weeks right away, and then another chunk when I go back. His boss was suuuuper nice. She said he didn't have to pin things down right away, could take a wait-and-see. She was also really excited for us, which he didn't expect and was so kind.