TTMA SAHM

[coffeequeen14]

I may as well post this now because I need to make a decision. I currently work full time from home. I switched jobs about ten months ago from an industry I LOVED. I was good at my job because I kind of grew up in the industry. We moved out of the area for a different pace of life and staying in my old industry was not an option.

I like working but no longer love job. I like that I get to think critically. I am well paid for what I do and have strong promotion potential. I like that I have something of my own outside of my family.

However, the kids are only young for such a short period of time. I'm worried in missing out on time with them. I don't want to quit and mess up my awesome, flexible work situation to just be unhappy.

We have a full time nanny so I can spend time with the kids during the day when I have breaks. Both boys go to preschool for ~15 hours of my 40 hour work week. I'm less concerned about missing the infant stage than say 2-kindy where I feel they need more of my guidance as opposed to their physical needs being met.

I don't do well with messes or getting out of the house tbh so I am not sure how much we would leave the house or do art and stuff like that. Like, I think I'm picturing all kinds of awesome time together but realistically I fear we would all go stir crazy.

From a financial perspective, we would be just fine if I quit. DH has good job security and has a unique skill set at which he does well.

My current plan is to work to maternity leave and then try it out for 12 weeks. However, I'm having a hard time staying motivated at work when thinking I'm almost done.

Basically I need someone to tell me if I'd be unhappy being a SAHM. Please read my fortune. Thanks.

TL:DR I don't know if I want to quit working for fear I have an overly optimistic view of being a sahm. What are your experiences? Recommendations?

[katelm]

I think the grass can sometimes be greener on the other side. People I know who work say that they feel that they get to spend more quality time with their kids. It sounds like you currently have an ideal setup being able to WFH

[venyia]

Personally, I enjoy being sahm, but then I never managed to find myself in a career position I loved. It definitely has its ups and its definite downsides. We don't get out as often as I think would be good for DD. I am not one of those pinteresty types, so no crazy crafting at home, no spitshined house, etc. I make sure to be up on household chores, about every third day I buckle down to catch up. I find satisfaction in homemade meals and fresh folded laundry. I like being able to snuggle with DD for naps together.

The new going-on-two boundary pushing and instruction-ignoring are not my favorites to deal with solo constantly, especially when she smartens up for daddy! Lol The mess can get out of hand quickly. The days can get monotonous. I am okay with all of this, whereas other moms/parents may not be. Everyone has different limits, and to me, it sounds like you enjoy having a productive place to be outside of being home, and that is completely ok! You may reach the end of your 12 weeks and be totally ready to go back to work. Or, you may find yourself wishing for more time at home. Either way, my guess is you will at least need the mat leave to get a routine established for your family, and then you can figure things out from there!

Just don't let anyone push you a direction you don't want to go. It is fantastic that you have your options so open.

[elm1214]

Is working part time an option? I switched to PT from home after DD2. I have to work because I carry our health insurance (otherwise I would definitely quit), but it might be a good balance for you.

I have a flexible schedule so I work 2 mornings a week and 2 evenings a week (after they are in bed) so I'm with them most of the time. I do struggle a little bit with balancing the house work/crafts and the kids, but we're getting there. Some days are harder than others, but overall I love it.

[hrushka]

I'll be a FTM, so I don't have much of a perspective on this. But I will say that it sounds like you have a pretty sweet gig right now, working from home with the kids there but looked after by the nanny. Would reducing your hours be an option?

[foxxytwt]

I've been sahm since DS was 5 months old, I worked pt from maternity until that. Honestly as much as I love seeing him grow and being there for all the firsts I need to make sure we get out of the house everyday and try to come up with new projects or I go nuts. There are times when I'm jealous DW has to shower, put make up and then gets 8 hours a day to pee and eat in peace. Other days I wouldn't trade taking him to do things for the first time and seeing his face light up for that. I guess it depends on the individual and in my case I love it some days and other days would do anything to get out of the house.

[remylove1011]

I personally think this really depends on your personality. I know myself and know I would not be good stay at home mom ( I also make more money than MH so it's not an option for us). I say this because I have a difficult time getting out and socializing to begin with. I feel like being a stay at home mom would make me very isolated.

Would it be an option to work part time? It sounds like your happy with things as they are now. If you do stay home you could keep the kids in the part time preschool. Then they would still get social time and you'd be forced to get out of the house to go pick them up.

[twinkie0612]

Jan 12, 2016 7:26:14 GMT -5 remylove1011 said:

I personally think this really depends on your personality. I know myself and know I would not be good stay at home mom ( I also make more money than MH so it's not an option for us). I say this because I have a difficult time getting out and socializing to begin with. I feel like being a stay at home mom would make me very isolated.

Would it be an option to work part time? It sounds like your happy with things as they are now. If you do stay home you could keep the kids in the part time preschool. Then they would still get social time and you'd be forced to get out of the house to go pick them up.

This is pretty much the same boat I am in. Being a SAHM is not an option for me since I am the breadwinner and carry our insurance. That being said right now I couldn't see myself being a SAHM, it's just not my personality. Although my feelings may change once the baby is here. I need to get up every day, shower, and go to work. I need that adult interaction.

[joy]

Jan 12, 2016 7:33:57 GMT -5 twinkie0612 said:

Jan 12, 2016 7:26:14 GMT -5 remylove1011 said:

I personally think this really depends on your personality. I know myself and know I would not be good stay at home mom ( I also make more money than MH so it's not an option for us). I say this because I have a difficult time getting out and socializing to begin with. I feel like being a stay at home mom would make me very isolated.

Would it be an option to work part time? It sounds like your happy with things as they are now. If you do stay home you could keep the kids in the part time preschool. Then they would still get social time and you'd be forced to get out of the house to go pick them up.

This is pretty much the same boat I am in. Being a SAHM is not an option for me since I am the breadwinner and carry our insurance. That being said right now I couldn't see myself being a SAHM, it's just not my personality. Although my feelings may change once the baby is here. I need to get up every day, shower, and go to work. I need that adult interaction.

This is me, as well. I need to get up and go to work. I love the challenge, the goal-achieving, the adult interaction. I would not be fulfilled if I stayed home. I'd also screw my career.

But that is me. You need to do you.

[thelorax]

I'd go with your original plan and try working after maternity leave. It can be a lot harder to find a good flexible job than to leave one and with all the hormones and other changes of having a new baby being able to go to the office might be nice. There are lots of times I think it would be fun to be home with DD (2.5). We could go to the zoo and swim class. Weekends would be far less stressful and we wouldn't have to juggle her on days when she is sick, but there are also lots of days when I am sooo glad I get to send her to school and they can deal with her whining/ tantrums/craziness and I can sit quietly in my cube and talk about football or winning the lottery with other adults.

[thelorax]

Also there is a really good chance I will get layed off early in 2017 so I understand having trouble staying motivated. My company is getting acquired. I just try to take it one day at a time. Orginally I was looking at everything through a long term lense and that was impacting my performance.

If I do get let go I get a good bit of severance and am trying to think of that as a second maternity leave.

[gratefulgirl]

I too work a PT schedule. I do two 10 hour days (unless something major comes up or our nanny needs to juggle her schedule). In our case while we could pay all the bills on H's salary and his benefits are better than mine, all saving would go out the window - retirement, college, all of it. My PT income allows us to plan for the future.

I didn't think I'd like working PT much, but I really do. I like the change of pace where some days I'm at home with the kids and some days I'm using my brain in a very different way.

The drawback to my PT schedule is that I often feel like I need to do a full time SAHM's amount of work around the house without a full time SAHM's schedule. H is very helpful around the house, cooking a good bit and cleaning when needed, but he handles all outdoor work and all maintenance so he's already got a pretty full load. Our nanny isn't supposed to do any more than clean up after the kids during the day. So our house is lived in 24/7 but I only have 24/5 to clean it. It can still get done, but it's rough.

Some days when I'm home the girls and I have awesome times together. I come up with some cool science project straight off of Pinterest for DD1 and it actually works while DD2 takes a good length nap. My crock pot dinner turns out great so I can feed my family well with only 20 minutes spent on it. I'm feeling energized and so I get cleaning done during nap/quiet time without waking anyone up early. Yeah...that's 10% of the days at best.

Usually we have some mix of: somebody screaming all day so I can get less done than I'd hoped, way too many errands so I feel like we never spent quality time together, a drowning sensation that I am not reading enough to both kids while also making sure they both get practice in gross motor skills and outdoor time, dinner prep that ends up taking an hour so I don't get my cleaning done, etc. It's not all terrible and very rarely do I have a day where ALL of those happen at once, but there is usually one of those things to throw off the perfect quality time together scenario.

[alygohome]

Being a sahm is not for me. I left the house daily for plau groups/swimming ect. But it was way harder then I imagined and I felt like I lost a huge part of my identity. I have friends who thrive as sahms though.

[jamjoyful]

I, personally, love being a SAHM. I'm going to have a hard time transitioning when I do go back to work. We don't deal with the stress of getting everyone up and dropped off at daycare before work. We don't drive in rush hour traffic trying to pick up and bring home. We get to eat dinner before 7pm which never happened when I worked. My kids love it. KJ is much happier to be home than shuffled out early in the morning.

Sometimes I am crafty and other times I am not. Now that KJ is in preschool three days a week I'm definitely less crafty. She does so many at school. I do try to do activities with them but we also have days where everyone bundles up in blankets and watches movies (this is more frequent with how I've been feeling).

I do 90% of our housework. I get it done M-F so we can all just relax or do fun things on the weekend. That's been huge for us.

The thing I've learned being a SAHM and being around other SAHMs is that it isn't for everyone. It is a lot of isolation and monotony. It also takes effort to break out of that and do something to make it feel fun. Getting involved with other moms for play dates is a great way to get out. Maternity leave might give you all the answers you seek. You'll know right away if it is right for you or not.

[spicysalmonroll]

Like some of the others remylove1011, twinkie0612, joy, I am the breadwinner and need to work financially. I can't wait to be a mom and I know I'll be an excellent one, but I also know myself and that I need a certain extent of "me" time. Even just the ride to and from work and my lunch breaks are absolutely crucial to me.
Of course some of my friends are just made to be SAHM's and they love every second of it, you have to know yourself.

[bocaburger]

I am planning to SAH for probably the first year and then go back to school. I will have to make an effort to get out of the house occasionally so I don't go stir crazy but I'm not good at juggling too many things at once and I think having daily commitments with new babies will be too hard for me. They will still be babies though (and I'll be a FTM) so I wont have to be crafty or come up with all sorts of activities. I will probably work some per diem shifts once I get into a comfortable place just to make a little money and get some time with adults.

[sarcaztic10]

I am like some of the other PP's, I know I am just not cut out for the SAHM thing. I did SAH with DS for the first year of his life and while I loved to watch him grow it was hard not having any adult interaction throughout the day. I am also not a very social person so going out and doing things with him was hard. I do wish that I could spend more than 12 weeks with this LO post birth but I will have to return to work. I am also the breadwinner in the house like other ladies but that really doesn't factor much in to my decision to want to be a working mom. I know if I wanted to SAH H and I would find a way to make it work but it is not something I want.

I will say that my year off with DS made it very hard to find a job when I did return to work. I basically had to start all over form an entry level job and work my way up to a livable salary again.

[katelm]

I think *for me* one of the worst things of being a SAH mom is also being responsible for the house chores. I hate with a passion: doing dishes, cleaning the house, doing laundry, organizing. And also not a fan of cooking. I wouldn't have done well in the50s haha. Anyway, I know some people enjoy all of the above which is why it's so dependent on your personality.

Right now I make a good salary and so we subsidize out with a cleaning person & spend more on food to get healthy food premade etc. I enjoy my job and full time is 35 hours a week where I work so I decided I am a lot happier if I continue to work and hire out people to chores I don't like. My workplace also provides significant funds for daycare reimbursement but you have to work full time to get it (35 hours). If I worked 60 hours a week welllll that would be a totally different story. I would not be working in that case or I would probably try to find a part-time job

[dc2london]

I SAH since my first was born, so I can only speak to one side of this equation. I absolutely love SAH, but I also recognize that it's not for everyone. I think I am pretty good at being a SAHM and I fully admit that I would probably be a rubbish WM bc I know myself, and I become easily frazzled and overwhelmed. But kids are my jam. It takes a lot for my kidsvto truly rattle me, whereas adults drive me bonkers.
I also was an early childhood educator prior to this, so I am used to being on the floor finger painting, tidying dried up play dough, and spending much of the day with little adult interaction. From the outside, it sounds like you have a pretty good thing going with your job, and you seem to like your work setup. I'm not sure, in your shoes, that I would give that up

[lennonkdc]

I think you have an excellent set up. It's similar to what my mom had when my sister and I were growing up. She ran her own business out of the house and had a nanny come during the day to watch us. She still had lunch with us, and if we needed a hug she was there. But she also had her own thing that fulfilled her, and kept her sane and happy. It's a set up I hope to copy. I run my own law firm out of the house and I absolutely love practicing law. The plan now is to have one of our parents come over and 'nanny' so I can be in court when needed but still have flexibility in my schedule.

[ameliabird]

I enjoy being able to stay home with DD but also miss working. I also think at this point (at 2), DD would benefit from some structure and more activity than I give her. Some days I feel bad for her because of my laziness. The house isn't clean all the time and I get behind on chores. I think after this baby is a few months I'll return to working part time if We can afford child care. I agree the grass is always greener too but I also think a part time job is the best of both worlds.

[catlady22]

Like others, I am the breadwinner and carry the insurance, so I cannot SAH. I am similar to your setup though and am able to work from home. My mom watches DS while I work and I get to see him when I have breaks. It is a good compromise.

[alygohome]

Jan 12, 2016 10:09:02 GMT -5 katelm said:

I think *for me* one of the worst things of being a SAH mom is also being responsible for the house chores. I hate with a passion: doing dishes, cleaning the house, doing laundry, organizing. And also not a fan of cooking. I wouldn't have done well in the50s haha. Anyway, I know some people enjoy all of the above which is why it's so dependent on your personality.

Right now I make a good salary and so we subsidize out with a cleaning person & spend more on food to get healthy food premade etc. I enjoy my job and full time is 35 hours a week where I work so I decided I am a lot happier if I continue to work and hire out people to chores I don't like. My workplace also provides significant funds for daycare reimbursement but you have to work full time to get it (35 hours). If I worked 60 hours a week welllll that would be a totally different story. I would not be working in that case or I would probably try to find a part-time job

This.

I hire a house keeper with the extra from my salary, I also pay more for precooked healthy meals and am debating dropping my laundry off to be washed/dried/folded.

My time is very structured and planned while at home so it never feels like a rush to get everything done. I found being a SAHM too...unstructured for me. If DD missed a nap or slept late ect. it was really hard to get what I had planned done. I thrive on a schedule. However, I don't work Mondays and MH doesn't work Fridays so, DD is only in daycare 3 days a week so maybe I would feel different if it was 5. DD also thrives at daycare. SHE LOVES IT! They honestly teach her WAY more then I did, she loves the social interaction and I have noticed how independent and confident she has become. Its a win for us.

I understand why some people want to SAH. Its just not for me. However, I get another paid year of Mat leave so will reassess on that leave.

[katelm]

Jan 12, 2016 11:56:35 GMT -5 ameliabird said:

I enjoy being able to stay home with DD but also miss working. I also think at this point (at 2), DD would benefit from some structure and more activity than I give her. Some days I feel bad for her because of my laziness. The house isn't clean all the time and I get behind on chores. I think after this baby is a few months I'll return to working part time if We can afford child care. I agree the grass is always greener too but I also think a part time job is the best of both worlds.

I've also heard that part time can be worse because you feel you can never be 100% at work or home. I think it personally depends on the kind of job you have. If you have a job that requires your hours but not extra aka not "deadline driven" it can be easier to work part time. If it's all about get your work done in the hours it takes, it can be stressful. For example, I know people that went part time to work 40 hours instead of 80, and they were always so stressed that they looked like a slacker, sigh! Anyway that vs someone whose job is scheduled clients in timeframe blocks or something like that. The second is much easier to stick to and be successful with a part time schedule because when work is done, it's done.

[ameliabird]

Jan 12, 2016 13:10:41 GMT -5 katelm said:

Jan 12, 2016 11:56:35 GMT -5 ameliabird said:

I enjoy being able to stay home with DD but also miss working. I also think at this point (at 2), DD would benefit from some structure and more activity than I give her. Some days I feel bad for her because of my laziness. The house isn't clean all the time and I get behind on chores. I think after this baby is a few months I'll return to working part time if We can afford child care. I agree the grass is always greener too but I also think a part time job is the best of both worlds.

I've also heard that part time can be worse because you feel you can never be 100% at work or home. I think it personally depends on the kind of job you have. If you have a job that requires your hours but not extra aka not "deadline driven" it can be easier to work part time. If it's all about get your work done in the hours it takes, it can be stressful. For example, I know people that went part time to work 40 hours instead of 80, and they were always so stressed that they looked like a slacker, sigh! Anyway that vs someone whose job is scheduled clients in timeframe blocks or something like that. The second is much easier to stick to and be successful with a part time schedule because when work is done, it's done.

True. I have no experience in the deadline driven job market just the scheduled patients and when I leave work, I'm done for the day. I can see that being easier to be part time.

[shamrockshimmy]

I often think I'd like to be a SAHM, but it's not really in the cards for us financially. TBH, I don't think I'd be very happy staying home completely. I feel like those that thrive as SAHMs have a lot of will power and self motivation, and when I'm at home I just don't. Currently I work part time and I love it. However, sometimes my schedule leaves me with long stretches off and I fantasize about all the great things we'll do and how organized my house will be. In reality once I've been home a few days I start to get lazy and cranky; and while I still say I don't want to go back to work, once I go it's like a recharge for me.

I'd recommend not making a decision until you've had a few weeks of leave. If PT is an option, you may decide you want to do that, or you may decide you want to stay home. It sounds like finances aren't a deciding factor here, so I wouldn't rush a decision,

[dorkusmalorkus]

s or getting out of the house tbh so I am not sure how much we would leave the house or do art and stuff like that. Like, I think I'm picturing all kinds of awesome time together but realistically I fear we would all go stir crazy."

I've stayed home since I was pregnant with my 5-year old, and prior to that taught Special Ed. This thing you said (that I attempted to quote) is my biggest issue: I'll have visions of the kids doing independent, productive activity, while I clean or whatever the vision is, and it goes to pot more often than not. Someone throws up, poops their pants, or whatever weird thing throws a wrench into plans. For me, that's when I feel the most frustrated. It requires a pretty high level of flexibility to be happy staying at home, I'd say. (But it made it a not-huge change for me from teaching. I basically get all the fun parts of teaching without the parts I didn't like.)

Regarding the antisocial vs stir-crazy thing, personally I can do 2 or 3 days at home before I have to get out. I'm *super* anxious about social situations, but I think that with so many parent/kid activities, you don't actually have to interact with anyone. I had minimal interaction with other parents at things like story time at the library. (But at the grocery store, people will come up and talk to you about your kids, at least in the Midwest.) Personally, I imagine something part-time to be pretty ideal, but can't actually speak to that.

[coffeequeen14]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses!!!

I do agree I have an awesome set up! In the old job I loved, I never would have believed I would ever consider staying home but despite the awesome set up I'm left worried I'll feel like I missed out on their childhood, something I can never get back.

I think a lot of you hit on my biggest concern that I truly think we would be hermits. I just don't see us going out a lot if I'm being realistic. I am not Pinterest nor comfortable socially exploring a whole lot. But with school, I guess it isn't a huge problem. Anyway, I am going to commit to thinking my job is long term up until I have this baby and then when I am on maternity leave, I will give it my best shot of testing it out! As we get closer, i will be leaning on you other SAHMs for motivation to get out of the house!!! Thanks again for all of your feedback!!

[dc2london]

We get out of the house basically every day with little effort. There is always a story time, play date or errand

[frodabaggins]

I have been thinking about this a lot, as for a while it was looking like I was going to have to quit my full time job out of necessity because they were going to move our offices resulting in a hellish commute. That isn't happening now, so I 'm staying on mostly because I love my job and I carry the health insurance. But for many months I was very seriously considering it.

I had a bunch of days off over the holidays and spent them all with my son. I tried to do the same kinds of enrichment activities that he gets at daycare, and I failed miserably. He's a very social kid and thrives off of being around the other kids. He actually got bumped from the infant daycare room at 10 months because they needed more space for a bunch of babies and they took him and one other kid who weren't 100% ready to go, but were far enough along in development that they figured he'd do fine. And he did - he loved learning from the older kids and when I drop him at daycare, he barely has time to throw a kiss at me and he's off exploring/playing. I don't know that I can possibly provide the educational opportunities he gets there, either. I mean, they are constantly getting new books, toys, exploring new materials. Now that #2 is coming along as well, I don't know how I would take care of a newborn *and* provide the proper supervision and guidance he needs. My mom did it just fine, with 4 kids, and I have plenty of SAHM friends who do it just fine. It would just mean really and truly putting my career aspirations on hold for a few years, and I don't know that I'm ready to do that just yet.

It's a tough one and I hope you figure it out for the best possible solution for you because there are no wrong answers, there are just the choices we make and the situations we find ourselves in, and the jazz we play to make it all work!