TTCAL Check-In 1/19

[notagoddess]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC?

[pinkcat]

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC Cycle 10, Currently WTO.

Diagnosis (if applicable): NA

Updates/questions: When I found out I was pregnant in December, I scheduled my first appointment for what *should* have been 6 weeks and 5 days yesterday. When I started bleeding I called to cancel the appointment, but they suggested I keep the appointment and go in anyway to talk and so the doctor could confirm all was OK. So, I had that appointment yesterday and it was really sad. I kept thinking about how if things were different I'd be heading to that appointment with DH, getting ready to see the baby for the first time. The doctor was really nice though and told me she had a similar experience herself and that I was always free to call her with any questions at all, and she answered some questions about CPs I had.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): They did do a few tests yesterday, and it was sad to get an alert this morning that I had a lab notification online. It was a pregnancy test alert saying "NOT PREGNANT-SPONTANEOUS ABORTION." As if I needed that reminder

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC? We have a trip to Paris in April, so I have been planning allll the things to keep me distracted!

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? I'm doing OK for now. But I'm at the end of the TWW so we'll see how I feel in a few days.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Resected uterine septum

Updates/questions: My OB appointment got moved to next week. I talked with MH over the idea of next steps, and he's definitely not in a rush for medical help of any kind. He is OK with doing some diagnostics over the next few months, but only because of how upset I am at the whole process. He doesn't actually think it's necessary at this point.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): None today.

GTKY: I did last year. I wanted to get to know my new city and state so MH and I explored a lot. I also rethought my career options (I had a dead-end job that I was going to quit once the baby came). This year, I have big goals that would be harder to achieve with a baby: finish my master's, find full-time work, start saving for a down payment on a house. Basically we're living as if there is no baby on the horizon.

[wannabmama]

pinkcat hugs. I'm glad you have a supportive doc, though. (The wording on that lab report is terrible, though!)

Afm, I'm in the RE waiting room to talk IVF. I thought I was ready to move on but am now waffling a bit. We'll see how it is after this appt.
Diagnosis: MFI
Updates/questions: nothing yet...
Debbie downer (a place to vent) it's been almost a year...and each of these appts has been scheduled with a cheery "but of course hopefully you don't need it!" And last time I left we were trying the IUIs and hoped I wouldn't need this appt. womp womp.

Gtky: if I'm not KU, I'm showing my horse in the spring/summer, so that is a nice distraction.

[notagoddess]

wannabmama, I'm so sorry you're at this point. I hope you leave the appointment feeling confident in your plan, whether that involves more IUIs or straight to IVF. Where is YH in the decision process for IVF?

pinkcat, hugs, girl. I'm glad your doctor was understanding and supportive. Did she give you an idea of when to seek help, if you reach that point? The trip to Paris sounds amazing. I have family there and I hope to go sometime soon, maybe next year.

[peaseblossom55]

Hugs pinkcat so jealous of your trip to Paris I love it there and miss it so much.
wannabmama Good luck with the appointment I hope it goes well and you feel comfortable taking the next step
Hugs notagoddess I hope things happen soon, but diagnostics sound like a good idea

How are you doing? I am ok, feeling a bit excited, hopeful, overwhelmed, anxious, cold

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC soon

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS H- balanced translocation

Updates/questions: I start meds for IVF on Sunday, waiting for the meds to be shipped out. I feel a bit nervous that the process for this all will begin on Sunday. So nervous about the injections.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I really don't have any I'm trying to focus on the hope this IVF stuff brings.

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC? Not really I feel like I should too. Just some reading.

[ellabee]

So many ::hugs:: pinkcat. I'm sorry you had to deal with all the emotions of going through with a visit that was initially planned as a prenatal. I'm glad your OB was nice though and able to answer your questions. I also had lab results come back with "Threatened Abortion" and "Spontaneous Abortion" on them. I agree that words can't really describe how gut wrenchingly devastating and painful it is to see those words in writing.

Fx for your TWW notagoddess! Hopefully your visit next week can turn into a prenatal. I'm glad your H is onboard to support what you need in this process.

Good luck with your appointment wannabmama. I hope that you're able to have a good conversation with the RE that leaves you feeling like you have a solid plan.

Good luck with the IVF meds peaseblossom55! I'm glad you're feeling excited and hopeful!

[wannabmama]

notagoddess MH started anti any medical intervention, but he's made leaps and bounds and is mostly totally on board for IVF now. Sometimes he backtracks a little and wants to do more "natural" which he counts IUI as, ha...it's not, really, of course. But it makes him feel better. At the end of the day, he'll do whatever I want, which is great in terms of support but can be frustrating when I don't know what to do!

[notagoddess]

ellabee , wannabmama , thanks. Initially he said he wanted to wait 2 years out from my surgery before seeing a doctor. I freaked out at that. I've been living and breathing TTC for a year and a half now, and it has a heavy emotional burden. I do feel some guilt at going to see a doctor before the year TTCAL mark. I'm trying to balance that and my need for some reassurance at this point. It's a lot of mixed emotions. At least he recognizes the effect this whole process is having on me.

[ellabee]

How are you doing? Alright.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: None this week.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): *opp mention* Hanging out with my pregnant bff is always bittersweet. We got together this weekend and she's knee deep in nursery decoration and baby registry land. I feel exhausted after we hang out sometimes because my emotions are all over the place. I also told my mom and another friend about my mc recently. Even though it was tough to say it out loud, I feel a bit better that some other people know what we've gone through and will be less nonchalant about asking about when we're going to GKU.

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC? Eating healthy. My focus has been on choosing healthy meals and snacks. And while I hope this will ultimately help us in the TTC department, it's a goal I should/would have regardless of whether we're TTC.

[requiressnacks]

notagoddess, I hope this TWW works out for you.
pinkcat, I completely understand that feeling of longing for that happy experience
wannabmama, I hope your appointment goes well!
peaseblossom55, GL with the IVF meds!

How are you doing? Good, relatively speaking.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, just WTO

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unexplained IF

Updates/questions: Had my saline ultrasound on Friday. I won't bore you with the details, but it went from me hearing that there was tissue left over and that I'd need a D&C, to the doctor eventually changing her mind. Basically I had a total meltdown on the table (with a catheter in my vag), to being happy that I was all clear. Talk about a rollercoaster.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nada

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC?

We are doing a complete gut job of our kitchen and surrounding room. It's a huge job, I'm freaked out about the giant loan we just took - but I am SO EXCITED to have a functional, beautiful new kitchen. Just going to be a stressful 8 weeks or so.

[pinkcat]

Good luck at your appointment today wannabmama!

Thanks notagoddess. We will be at 1 year of trying in April, so she said to give her a call then to discuss our options. I wasn't sure whether a CP would "reset" the clock or not but thanks to helpful ladies in the Newbie Playdate thread and then talking to my doctor, I now know it doesn't. I'm hoping we don't get to that point, though. FX to you for the end of your TWW, and I hope you and your husband are able to come to an agreement you're both comfortable with!

peaseblossom55 Good luck with your meds on Sunday! I hope the injections go OK and that once you have the first ones done your nerves are able to calm a bit. FX for you!

Thanks ellabee, I'm sorry you had to see those words too. I knew from reading up on CPs to expect to see it worded that way, but it still made me unbearably sad. I wish they would come up with an updated phrase!

[pinkcat]

requiressnacks Sorry for such a rough appointment- what a roller coaster! Also- YAY on the kitchen renovation- so exciting! You'll have to do a thread with pics when you're done

[requiressnacks]

Jan 19, 2016 10:49:17 GMT -5 pinkcat said:

requiressnacks Sorry for such a rough appointment- what a roller coaster! Also- YAY on the kitchen renovation- so exciting! You'll have to do a thread with pics when you're done

Yes, I need to remember to take "before" pics this week before the demo starts on Saturday. We are taking out a huge wall and putting beam in so it is going to totally transform the space.

[peaseblossom55]

Hugs requiressnacks that happened to me after my SHG after having Anneliese I had to have a hysteroscopy and I was like freaking out. The roller coaster part about TTC really sucks. I'm so glad it's all ok.

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? I've had another good week.

Status: TTC, still WTO in cycle 8 AL

Diagnosis: n/a

Updates/questions: Yesterday was 10 months since I got my first post-loss period and we started TTC again. I really dreaded hitting double digits but I'm trying to just stay positive.

Debbie downer: See above

GTKY: Keeping a food and exercise diary and really trying to lose weight takes a lot of time and space in my mind so that's been a welcomed and needed distraction. We're also planning a trip in March/April so I'm looking forward to that.

[littlelion]

notagoddess, GL with the testing, it's a step fwd at least.  Maybe YH is nervous about intervention because of the cost? That's what scared my DH.  
pinkcat, I'm so sorry you had such an ugly reminder of what happened. But glad you found such a great dr who actually is able to sympathize. And a trip to Paris is a lovely distraction! I am green with envy.
wannabmama, So sorry you find yourself at this point. GL getting the information your choice confidently. 
peaseblossom55, GL starting your IVF treatment!
ellabee, {hugs} about your bff, I can't imagine having to go thru something like that after a loss. But hope that sharing what happened with your loved ones helps. 
requiressnacks, big hug for that scary experience and what a relief that it turned out ok! Keep us posted on your kitchen remodel! I live vicariously thru you. 

[littlelion]

How are you doing? I have my moments, mostly trying to stay positive

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, WTO

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR and AMA

Updates/questions: none

Debbie downer (a place to vent):
I had a couple of triggers last week and basically felt jealous of other people's good fortune TTC. Not a good feeling to have. I felt really bad afterwards.  Esp since I know one woman has had trouble TTC.  I accept the pity parties I give myself but sometimes I do worry that envy, bitterness may change me. 

GTKY: I am focusing on getting healthy and losing weight. And making it a lifestyle change that I can keep up year round, pregnant or not.  And that my DH can be on board with too. 

[daystardreams]

pinkcat I'm sorry the appointment was tough but I'm glad you like your doctor. A good doctor makes all the difference!

notagoddess Diagnostics is a good next step, I went several months before my year mark of TTCAL. No regrets!

wannabmama I always say hopefully I won't need appointments too. GL with the appt!

peaseblossom55 FX this upcoming cycle it it for you!

ellabee Pregnant BFF is so hard. I'm glad talking about the loss made you feel a bit better. It always helps me too. I can't imagine going through it alone!

requiressnacks So happy you won't have to have a D&C. So there isn't tissue left or she just doesn't think a D&C is necessary?

[daystardreams]

How are you doing? Trying to stay positive. I'm 10 DPO though so I might be a little more negative in a few days.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC and in the TWW

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS

Updates/questions: My RE tested me for MTHR and she said something about it being abnormal but that it wasn't anything to worry about. She stated she wants to put me on heparin just in case though. I didn't have a pen to write stuff down unfortunately but she said she'd send me a copy of the results. I'm not sure whether to panic about it or not...

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I don't even want to think about how sad DH and I will be if this isn't our cycle.

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC?

We're in the process of setting up our spare rooms as "guest" rooms instead of storage rooms that they are now. I say "guest" because we do it in full hopes that one turns into a nursery but we are also considering taking an indefinite TTC break and focus on becoming foster parents instead. Which nice spare rooms will come in handy for that too!

[requiressnacks]

littlelion, I am afraid that I'm becoming bitter too. Some days I am, some days I'm not.

daystardreams, at first the nurse practitioner saw "something," way at the top of my ute. She takes a bunch of pictures, says that it looks like I'm going to need a D&C and then calls the RE in. (Cue freakout) The RE comes in, does the same procedure and can't seem to find whatever it was that the Nurse practitioner saw. So she gave me the "all clear." She said even if it was something (tissue, a clot, whatever), it was way at the top and should not impede our TTC.

[kayladawn91]

pinkcat I'm so sorry you had that reminder today. Hugs! Also, so jealous you're going to Paris! It's on my bucket list!

notagoddess I'm glad you were able to talk things over with YH and that he's supportive of the testing.

wannabmama I'm sorry you're at this point but I hope your appt went well!

peaseblossom55 good luck with IVF!

ellabee I hope telling your mom and friend will help with the unwanted questions/comments

requiressnacks I'm glad everything is clear! I can't wait to see "after" pics of your kitchen! I'm so jealous, I would love a beautiful renovated kitchen!

littlelion I go through stages of being bitter. It's hard to be happy for people sometimes.

daystardreams GL for the rest of your TWW! I have no advice, but am sending hugs as you wait for results from your tests. I hope everything comes back normal.

[league2b3]

How are you doing? I go between excitedly optimistic and completely scared.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: Nothing really.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm currently in the TWW and am having lots of twinges in my right side, very similar to what I had when I had my EP, and it's messing with me. My EDD is quickly approaching and my SIL is due in two weeks. My inlaws will be staying with us for a week when she delivers, and I honestly don't know that I want them here...I just don't know how I'm going to react.

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC? No, now that winter is here, I need something.

[hydrangea1019]

How are you doing? I am doing ok. First day of my period this month was a bit messy, but today I am good.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC-WTO

Diagnosis (if applicable):n/a

Updates/questions: I was really hoping that this past cycle would've been it and we wouldn't have to go to the doctor on the 27th. But alas, it was a bust. Going to the doctor on the 27th. Here is hoping my OBGYN takes me seriously and does what I hope she does. DH and I actually started the conversation about how far we want to go with treatment before we fully point ourselves towards adoption. I have felt for a few months that might be the direction we are going, but DH said he wasn't ready to have that conversation yet. Then this past week I asked him about how long he thought he would want to continue trying before talking about adoption and he said he wasn't sure. Then over the weekend he brought it up on his own and said it didn't make sense that we not fully consider that option now. So I think we are going to tighten our budget in order to be able to save the money we'd need in order to do it. If we get pregnant along the way great, but for now, we are saving saving saving!

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I was a mess on cd1. We went to Khols and I was looking at a valentines display and this lady was walking by with her SO, child, and a baby in her arms. I thought she was going to just pass by, but no she had to stop right next to me and look at exactly what I was looking at. I quietly walked away, but it just set my mind into a downward spiral. Then DH said no to something I thought we were doing (childish, I know) and I just shut down. We got in the car to go run another errand (of course, to go buy toys for a friend's two younger kids) and the tears just started flowing and I told him to take me home. Thankfully, DH is so understanding and talked me through it and I was able to calm down. But in the moment I thought for sure it was going into full blown melt down mode. It sounds so stupid typing it all out....

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC? Our goals are kind of related and on track with TTC, but we really need to drop this weight. We bought FitBits which seems to be a big motivator for DH which helps me out a lot. If we are in this together it's so much easier than me trying to do it alone.

[Rama]

How are you doing? Okay, I guess

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP

Updates/questions: I need to talk to an OB about what reasons we would need to avoid until we can get treatment again. We've heard a lot of different wait times, including no wait time, so I need to hear the whys before we can decide to stop avoiding. It's a hassle and there's no reason for it, it just irritates me.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I should have seen a heartbeat by now. Sigh.

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC? Not really. I have to figure out the whole TTC biz to begin with. Thanks for nothing, confusing answers. >:T

[hydrangea1019]

pinkcat, I'm glad your doctor appointment was so supportive. It must've been hard going in, but I'm happy she took care of you in person, but holy moly labs! I know it's normal to them, but seriously, maybe they should change their wording a bit.
notagoddess, FX for you while you wait out this TWW! Although those things might be more difficult with a baby (saving money and Masters) they should definitely keep you busy in the meantime.
wannabmama, How'd the RE appointment go to discuss IVF? I'm sorry it's gotten to that point. I hope the appointment left you feeling strong in coming decisions.
peaseblossom55, FX so hard this IVF round works!!! Reading should help keep you relaxed
ellabee, it's very difficult to talk about MC, but I'm glad you were able to open up to your mom and a friend so they can offer you the support you need. My mom 100% plays my buffer in public situations when TTC gets brought up. ((hugs))
requiressnacks, OMG so glad it ended ok, but what in the world?! why would they tell you one thing and then completely another? Happy you don't have to have a d/c! That reno should definitely keep you distracted! I can't wait to see pictures!!!
kayladawn91, Hitting those double digits sucks! Sorry you are at that point
littlelion, I know what you are saying about worrying envy and bitterness will change you. I have those same thoughts. I am struggling with that right now with my SIL's pregnancy. We just have to fight through it and try an choose joy when we can. ((hugs))
daystardreams, DH and I still have painted our 2nd bedroom that we are hoping will be a nursery. People keep asking, and I just make up the excuse that we can't agree on a color. FX for you this cycle!!
league2b3, I hope if they do continue to stay with you during your SIL's time, that they are still supportive of you and DH. That time is most likely going to get tough, but pelase know we are here for you ((hugs))

[hydrangea1019]

Jan 19, 2016 18:49:10 GMT -5 Rama said:

How are you doing? Okay, I guess

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP

Updates/questions: I need to talk to an OB about what reasons we would need to avoid until we can get treatment again. We've heard a lot of different wait times, including no wait time, so I need to hear the whys before we can decide to stop avoiding. It's a hassle and there's no reason for it, it just irritates me.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I should have seen a heartbeat by now. Sigh.

GTKY: Do you have any goals set out specifically to distract you from TTC? Not really. I have to figure out the whole TTC biz to begin with. Thanks for nothing, confusing answers. >:T

Those milestones are so hard! ((hugs))  I hope you can get the answers you need from your OB and they don't give you the run around.  We were told only 1 cycle, but I have heard quite the spread of time from others.

[peaseblossom55]

Hugs hydrangea1019
Rama I would be so irritated as well with that. I hope you get a clear answer soon.

[league2b3]

Rama, I was never given a clear answer. My OB said 3 cycles. I have ZERO faith in them, so I asked the resident in the ER who gave me my MTX, and she said there was no reason not to TTC after my first normal cycle.

[kayladawn91]

league2b3 huge hugs for the possibility of a rough few weeks coming up! I hope its not as bad as your anticipating!

hydrangea1019 I'm sorry you have to keep that appointment, but I'm glad you and YH seem to be on the same page about your next steps!

Rama I hope you can get answers from your OB!