SOs

[rlb]

Liv's comment in the FFFC thread yesterday is a reminder that I think most of us are probably in the same boat when it comes to having to become a nag to get things done.   I wanted to share this blogpost I came across today and sent to my DH. 

It.
Is.
Perfection.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

[isolemnlyswear]

So good.

Word to the wise. Don't read to your DH....the discussion didn't go well.

He's now huffing and puffing picking up the kitchen

[Lola]

Man. That gave me lots of feels. Explains my first marriage perfectly.
Also something Dh and I are always working on.

rlb what did your husband think of it?

[Lola]

Jan 23, 2016 20:38:02 GMT -5 isolemnlyswear said:

So good.

Word to the wise. Don't read to your DH....the discussion didn't go well.

He's now huffing and puffing picking up the kitchen

Haha that is why I asked rlb about what her h said ( I didn't see your post yet). If I sent that to Dh, he'd think I was trying to tell him I want a divorce or that he needs to change.

[isolemnlyswear]

Jan 23, 2016 20:41:19 GMT -5 Lola said:

Jan 23, 2016 20:38:02 GMT -5 isolemnlyswear said:

So good.

Word to the wise. Don't read to your DH....the discussion didn't go well.

He's now huffing and puffing picking up the kitchen

Haha that is why I asked rlb about what her h said ( I didn't see your post yet). If I sent that to Dh, he'd think I was trying to tell him I want a divorce or that he needs to change.

DH thought it made good points, however he didn't like how it made it sound like if he doesn't do everything perfectly it's grounds for divorce.

When I tried to bring up recent things where he has dropped the ball on he got defensive.

[Liv]

Oh man, so so good, rlb!!!

You're totally right, I think every husband and wife team out there is fighting this out, day by day. We're all just working to communicate what means a lot to me, what means a lot to you, and how can we help each other shoulder those burdens and responsibilities.

Having kids young puts unusual strain on a couple, and made us grow up real fast marriage-wise. We had to deal with his time management (like video games) and procrastination, and my short temper and defensive attitude when I feel hurt. To his credit, my DH has never BSed me or gotten defensive when I bring things like this up-- even when I blow up about a glass by the sink or it's petty equivalent. It's ALWAYS about a deeper issue (like, "If you won't acknowledge my needs and wants in this TINY way, are you really going to be there for me in a BIG thing?"), and he's very patient to see that and get to the bottom of things. His humility is something I'm so grateful for. It has diffused a lot of tough situations when I've been really unfair or angry over something that I should have discussed better with him before blowing up.

We're definitely a work in progress, but I think we have a good foundation laid to where, even though he ALWAYS does little things, like leaves dishes by the sink even though I've asked him to just put them away, I don't automatically assume he has stopped caring for me, or ever will stop.

[Liv]

I REALLY liked this: When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.

And I have always told DH that the sexiest thing he can say to me is, "I got this." It was funny to see that mentioned in the article, because it's so true, at least for me. I married a competent partner, not a child that I have to micromanage.

[isolemnlyswear]

DH has now:

Picked up the living room
Cleaned the kitchen
Started a load of laundry
Is cleaning out some of his crap from what will be C's new room eventually

The only thing I asked him to do was take down the laundry (I'm not supposed to because our stairs are steep and add a laundry basket it's a recipe for a disaster)

I really appreciate the other things! However if I ask for his help at all tomorrow he'll say "see no matter what I do help with it isn't good enough, I did XYZ yesterday and you still want me to do more."

Yes because it's a new day husband and I'm 33 weeks pregnant and need more help than usual!!

[Deleted]

Jan 23, 2016 21:45:36 GMT -5 isolemnlyswear said:

DH has now:

Picked up the living room
Cleaned the kitchen
Started a load of laundry
Is cleaning out some of his crap from what will be C's new room eventually

The only thing I asked him to do was take down the laundry (I'm not supposed to because our stairs are steep and add a laundry basket it's a recipe for a disaster)

I really appreciate the other things! However if I ask for his help at all tomorrow he'll say "see no matter what I do help with it isn't good enough, I did XYZ yesterday and you still want me to do more."

Yes because it's a new day husband and I'm 33 weeks pregnant and need more help than usual!!

I'd be thankful for what he's done today and see what tomorrow brings! You never know he might surprise you.

[isolemnlyswear]

Jan 23, 2016 22:02:44 GMT -5 @sharmon13 said:

Jan 23, 2016 21:45:36 GMT -5 isolemnlyswear said:

DH has now:

Picked up the living room
Cleaned the kitchen
Started a load of laundry
Is cleaning out some of his crap from what will be C's new room eventually

The only thing I asked him to do was take down the laundry (I'm not supposed to because our stairs are steep and add a laundry basket it's a recipe for a disaster)

I really appreciate the other things! However if I ask for his help at all tomorrow he'll say "see no matter what I do help with it isn't good enough, I did XYZ yesterday and you still want me to do more."

Yes because it's a new day husband and I'm 33 weeks pregnant and need more help than usual!!

I'd be thankful for what he's done today and see what tomorrow brings! You never know he might surprise you.

Yea you're right. I'm enjoying my clean house and my husband who keeps saying how much work it is haha

[rlb]

Jan 24, 2016 4:42:07 GMT -5 @iheartmyshiba said:

Good read!

I like this: "She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management."

We have this conversation from time to time where I say I just want you to notice things. I've come to the realization that the things I want him to notice are unimportant to him- dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor- whatever and i have to ask. Thankfully he's very helpful and responsive so it doesn't turn into a fight. I've also come to realize I need to point things out right away instead of letting them brew. And sometimes it goes like "H, I love you. If you continue to leave a pile of your PJ pants next to the bed every morning, I may kill you. It drives me batty and i have to pick them up every day which makes me feel irrationally angry." To which he will respond he didn't realize he was doing it and then usually xyz stops. Our communication has continually gotten better in our marriage and thankfully he is patient and understanding about my crazies.

This is something that makes me crazy though.  Why is it so "crazy" and irrational to want things picked up?  I have to have things orderly and (mostly) neat to feel as if I am a normally functioning adult.  I feel the most settled when things are in place, and really don't think it's out of line.  

As for my DH, I sent it to him in a text yesterday and asked him to read it, but didn't bring it up in conversation because that's when it will be a "nag" thing.   This morning he got up with DD and had the kitchen clean (and not his clean, but my clean) before I even got out of bed.  Major win so far.   

I think I've been getting through to him that he is the one who really makes things difficult for us by being so resistant to ev.er.y.thing.  The other day I mentioned to him we should start bump up the pay we give to MIL and the IHDC lady, but the amount I suggested he said was so small that it wouldn't even be worth it.  I said to 2 ladies who live on fixed SS payments, some is better than nothing.  He started getting pissy and I pointed out to him that I wanted to do something nice and HE was the one being stubborn (because that's his favorite word for me).  He might be getting it.  

[asunasword]

My H figured out pretty early that a disorganized house stresses my out. As such, he is great about tidying things when I start to get grouchy. That is usually my light bulb moment that I am probably a little cranky.
However, our levels of cleanliness are totally different. He could go months without properly cleaning anything. If we go three weeks, I start to get grossed out.
The article reminded us how hard figuring that out (and all the little stuff since and to come) was. I don't have a cleaner house right now though.

[dawnfire]

Wow, that was a really great article. I hadn't realized it, but yes, I do feel disrespected when he does things like doesn't scrape stuck on stuff from plates/silverware and just puts it in the washer (this is after there being a mountain of dirty dishes sitting on the counter) and that I have to tell him things like the dishes need to be done, tomorrow is trash/recycling day, etc. It feels like he's not invested and I'm mothering him.

Ugh, I need to figure out a way to show him that article without stressing him/freaking him out. His first marriage ended in divorce so I don't want that part to cut him like a knife.

[stellabunny]

Yikes. I felt bad reading that article. DH constantly has to remind me to dust, clean the bathrooms, etc. It doesn't bother me the way it bothers him and I've always said that he could just ask and I'd be happy to do it. Basically, role reversal (although not quite as bad since I do most of the kid stuff). I just need to put these chores on my calendar and do it, even if it's not bothering me.

[jnnfrrose6]

Jan 25, 2016 23:00:39 GMT -5 stellabunny said:

Yikes. I felt bad reading that article. DH constantly has to remind me to dust, clean the bathrooms, etc. It doesn't bother me the way it bothers him and I've always said that he could just ask and I'd be happy to do it. Basically, role reversal (although not quite as bad since I do most of the kid stuff). I just need to put these chores on my calendar and do it, even if it's not bothering me.

This is me too. DH is the one who gets worked up over things that to me don't seem top priority and I've been working to pay attention and get ahead on things so he doesn't get worked up over what are to me little things. 

[rlb]

Jan 25, 2016 17:59:13 GMT -5 dawnfire said:

Wow, that was a really great article. I hadn't realized it, but yes, I do feel disrespected when he does things like doesn't scrape stuck on stuff from plates/silverware and just puts it in the washer (this is after there being a mountain of dirty dishes sitting on the counter) and that I have to tell him things like the dishes need to be done, tomorrow is trash/recycling day, etc. It feels like he's not invested and I'm mothering him.

Ugh, I need to figure out a way to show him that article without stressing him/freaking him out. His first marriage ended in divorce so I don't want that part to cut him like a knife.

I think the  title comes across harshly, so maybe do what I did and send the link with a disclaimer that you aren't asking for divorce by any means, but really want him to take the little things seriously.  

[rlb]

I know for my situtation, I am the one who does 90% of things, so that's why the little things are huge things. I handle:

-Finances/Budgeting/Paying bills
-Appointments
-Benefits (to the point I sign him up for everything at Open Enrollment)
-Grocery shopping
-Holiday/birthday shopping
-Constant "reminders" for the random item I need him to complete (for instance I've been asking him since November to cancel the YMCA membership he signed our family up for last March because he was going to start exercising and taking DD to the pool but he only went 3 times. He finally canceled it this week.)
-All my car maintenance stuff
-99% of baths/feeding/bedtimes/playing with DD (he is okay with being alone with her while I want to do things, but he's not engaged with her 100% - he puts in front of the TV and/or looks at his phone the majority of the time)
-Cooking
-Cleaning (with the exception of surface stuff, I asked MIL to do this for extra pay when she watched DD for the sanctity of our marriage)

He:
-shovels
-mows the lawn (which takes about 15-30 mins every 1-2 weeks from April/May - Sept/Oct.)
-takes out the trash once a week (with a reminder needed most of the time)
-cleans the basement, (which is his mancave and I am rarely in, so I pretty much refuse.) 

So since I take care of 99% of our family items (on top of taking care of a number of things for my mother and father's estate) those little things make me irate. Even if he was a handy guy to take care of broken things (or to even call a handyman when that happens) I wouldn't sweat the small stuff. JFC, I've had to ask him over and over to replace the light bulbs in the garage because I can't reach them. That takes SECONDS to do.

Oops....I ranted.

Edit: We also work similar jobs in different departments of the same company.  He used to act like he was bringing home the bacon for us (mind you for the the first time in our 9 years together after he accepted a position (with my nagging after he was 'self-employed)), so that was his justification for having to contribute less, so I was able to show our W-2s to him and there was only a $6K difference in our pays.  

[rlb]

Oh, add filing our taxes to the mix. I do them. He never did his for 2014 when he was self-employed for 11 months. And he appears to think it can just be forgotten about or something.

Who are my accountant, taxes resources here?? I really have some serious questions/concerns about this. Even if he files a loss for 2014 at this point, what kind of fees are we looking at since he didn't file even after his extension?? He's under the impression that since he'll show a loss, basically everyhing is going to be a-okay.

mary1217 - any knowledge in this dept?

[rlb]

Jan 26, 2016 11:08:34 GMT -5 @zerozeroone said:

rlb that kinda makes me annoyed on your behalf. What the fuck difference does it make who brings home more money? If you're both working you should both share in the reproductive labor. If you were to get a raise does that mean he's going to take over all the other family responsibilities? Maybe deep down he knows he should be doing more and is trying to justify why he doesn't.

This exactly.  

[liziz]

rlb, might be worth having someone do them for you, just so you can make sure everything is right!

[mary1217]

Jan 26, 2016 11:08:13 GMT -5 rlb said:

Oh, add filing our taxes to the mix. I do them. He never did his for 2014 when he was self-employed for 11 months. And he appears to think it can just be forgotten about or something.

Who are my accountant, taxes resources here?? I really have some serious questions/concerns about this. Even if he files a loss for 2014 at this point, what kind of fees are we looking at since he didn't file even after his extension?? He's under the impression that since he'll show a loss, basically everyhing is going to be a-okay.

mary1217 - any knowledge in this dept?

Sorry but I don't.  Taxes are not my thing.  I use turbo tax and/or an accountant.  

[mary1217]

Jan 26, 2016 10:45:33 GMT -5 rlb said:

I know for my situtation, I am the one who does 90% of things, so that's why the little things are huge things. I handle:

-Finances/Budgeting/Paying bills
-Appointments
-Benefits (to the point I sign him up for everything at Open Enrollment)
-Grocery shopping
-Holiday/birthday shopping
-Constant "reminders" for the random item I need him to complete (for instance I've been asking him since November to cancel the YMCA membership he signed our family up for last March because he was going to start exercising and taking DD to the pool but he only went 3 times. He finally canceled it this week.)
-All my car maintenance stuff
-99% of baths/feeding/bedtimes/playing with DD (he is okay with being alone with her while I want to do things, but he's not engaged with her 100% - he puts in front of the TV and/or looks at his phone the majority of the time)
-Cooking
-Cleaning (with the exception of surface stuff, I asked MIL to do this for extra pay when she watched DD for the sanctity of our marriage)

He:
-shovels
-mows the lawn (which takes about 15-30 mins every 1-2 weeks from April/May - Sept/Oct.)
-takes out the trash once a week (with a reminder needed most of the time)
-cleans the basement, (which is his mancave and I am rarely in, so I pretty much refuse.) 

So since I take care of 99% of our family items (on top of taking care of a number of things for my mother and father's estate) those little things make me irate. Even if he was a handy guy to take care of broken things (or to even call a handyman when that happens) I wouldn't sweat the small stuff. JFC, I've had to ask him over and over to replace the light bulbs in the garage because I can't reach them. That takes SECONDS to do.

Oops....I ranted.

Edit: We also work similar jobs in different departments of the same company.  He used to act like he was bringing home the bacon for us (mind you for the the first time in our 9 years together after he accepted a position (with my nagging after he was 'self-employed)), so that was his justification for having to contribute less, so I was able to show our W-2s to him and there was only a $6K difference in our pays.  

We are living the same life.  DH does cook so at least I don't have to do that.  He also goes in earlier than I do so I am all by myself in the morning and he gets home a good 3 hours before me and DD so he has tons of free time.

He has very few things to do inside the home - cook, take out the trash (which he waits until when you open the top stuff is falling out) and clean out the cat box.  I always have to remind him to clean out the cat box and it drives me crazy!  About half the time I end up doing it because its gross and if I can do anything to get my cat to no poop around the house I will.  I feel like he just waits it out until I do it.  I don't understand how you can't remember to clean the cat box out every other day.  You are not a child, I am not your mother, I shouldn't have to tell you.  No one tells me.

[liziz]

I tell H that it seems like I am the manager and he (and LO) are my employees a lot of the time. I make a lot of the day to day decisions about what we are eating/buying/doing, as well as manage the finance (including paying bills and filing taxes). H does execute the things I delegate to him pretty well, at least. We also talk about the big picture together, like what are our saving/spending priorities, and what we want long term for LO.
LO has yet to earn her keep, but we're keeping her anyway!

[rlb]

Jan 26, 2016 12:38:52 GMT -5 @iheartmyshiba said:

Re: taxes. He should back file but I *think* if he's owed $$$ there isn't really a penalty. If HE OWES then you're looking at $$$$$$$$

If he does it correctly he won't owe anything, because his business was from home.  I just want it taken care of, because I don't like surprises.  I told him I wasn't filing our 2015 until his 2014 is done.  He was not happy, but that's the only way I can light a fire under him, because we are set to get a hefty chunk back.  

[rlb]

Jan 26, 2016 12:26:07 GMT -5 liziz said:

I tell H that it seems like I am the manager and he (and LO) are my employees a lot of the time. I make a lot of the day to day decisions about what we are eating/buying/doing, as well as manage the finance (including paying bills and filing taxes). H does execute the things I delegate to him pretty well, at least. We also talk about the big picture together, like what are our saving/spending priorities, and what we want long term for LO.
LO has yet to earn her keep, but we're keeping her anyway!

LOL!  We have DD throw her own diapers away, and "help" put away toys, that's where I'm starting with the whip cracking! Oh, she has to go to her chair for me to pick her up and put her in it to eat, too.    

[rlb]

Jan 26, 2016 12:01:20 GMT -5 mary1217 said:

Jan 26, 2016 10:45:33 GMT -5 rlb said:

I know for my situtation, I am the one who does 90% of things, so that's why the little things are huge things. I handle:

-Finances/Budgeting/Paying bills
-Appointments
-Benefits (to the point I sign him up for everything at Open Enrollment)
-Grocery shopping
-Holiday/birthday shopping
-Constant "reminders" for the random item I need him to complete (for instance I've been asking him since November to cancel the YMCA membership he signed our family up for last March because he was going to start exercising and taking DD to the pool but he only went 3 times. He finally canceled it this week.)
-All my car maintenance stuff
-99% of baths/feeding/bedtimes/playing with DD (he is okay with being alone with her while I want to do things, but he's not engaged with her 100% - he puts in front of the TV and/or looks at his phone the majority of the time)
-Cooking
-Cleaning (with the exception of surface stuff, I asked MIL to do this for extra pay when she watched DD for the sanctity of our marriage)

He:
-shovels
-mows the lawn (which takes about 15-30 mins every 1-2 weeks from April/May - Sept/Oct.)
-takes out the trash once a week (with a reminder needed most of the time)
-cleans the basement, (which is his mancave and I am rarely in, so I pretty much refuse.) 

So since I take care of 99% of our family items (on top of taking care of a number of things for my mother and father's estate) those little things make me irate. Even if he was a handy guy to take care of broken things (or to even call a handyman when that happens) I wouldn't sweat the small stuff. JFC, I've had to ask him over and over to replace the light bulbs in the garage because I can't reach them. That takes SECONDS to do.

Oops....I ranted.

Edit: We also work similar jobs in different departments of the same company.  He used to act like he was bringing home the bacon for us (mind you for the the first time in our 9 years together after he accepted a position (with my nagging after he was 'self-employed)), so that was his justification for having to contribute less, so I was able to show our W-2s to him and there was only a $6K difference in our pays.  

We are living the same life.  DH does cook so at least I don't have to do that.  He also goes in earlier than I do so I am all by myself in the morning and he gets home a good 3 hours before me and DD so he has tons of free time.

He has very few things to do inside the home - cook, take out the trash (which he waits until when you open the top stuff is falling out) and clean out the cat box.  I always have to remind him to clean out the cat box and it drives me crazy!  About half the time I end up doing it because its gross and if I can do anything to get my cat to no poop around the house I will.  I feel like he just waits it out until I do it.  I don't understand how you can't remember to clean the cat box out every other day.  You are not a child, I am not your mother, I shouldn't have to tell you.  No one tells me.

Add the litter box (for the cat I didn't ask for) to my chores, too.   

I ask him if he thinks I enjoy having to mother him...because clearly I don't.

PS - I do love my husband, he's just not understanding marital responsibilities quite yet.  

[dawnfire]

rlb, Free Tax Assistance will be starting in a lot of areas soon. AARP does taxes for anyone free in my area, regardless of age or income. They're also very nice and knowledgeable and willing to answer questions and file past taxes.

[rlb]

Thank you, dawnfire!! I will definitely reach out, I don't want this to be screwed up and blown up.