Post by sarahandeddie on Jan 29, 2016 17:19:15 GMT -5
DH's friend was over today and was telling me this deal he has with his wife. She wanted an expensive treadclimber and he told her he would pay for half (apparently they keep their finances separate). He then told her that if she reached a specific weight in 1 year he would repay her the half she paid for it.
I basically tore him a new one. I told him he had no business giving his wife a set weight for her goal. He then tried to explain that she only weighed 115lbs in high school and his suggested weight was higher than that but his suggested weight is what she weighed at age 21.
I tried explaining that he is making his wife feel horrible about herself. If he wanted to be supportive he should have said yes and that he'd pay for half and just be supportive of her wanting to get healthy.
He also mentioned he tells his daughter she's chubby/fat and she's 2. I let him know how awful that was. Nobody should ever use the words chubby or fat unless they're speaking of a baby's adorable chubby cheeks. I tried to explain the damage he's already doing to her self esteem.
The guy left pretty quickly after I chewed him out. I know he was blind sided. Was I too harsh on him? How would you feel if your DH offered you the same deal?
Absolutely not too harsh. Way to go standing up for your DH's friend's wife. Guys don't understand what those little comments mean to women and girls- they get in your head.
This morning my DH was giving me some money (We have separate accounts and a joint one. I had used my own personal money to pay for the cleaning lady so he was reimbursing me from the joint $ he had withdrawn.) DS was standing nearby and asked why DH was giving me $. DH said sarcastically, "Because that's what women do- they always come to you asking for money." I lost it on him. I know he was trying to be funny, but DS is 5 and clearly doesn't understand sarcasm. I made DH explain to DS that we both work really hard and we share money to pay for things for our family. I told DH it's his job to teach DS that women are just as capable as men. Teach him to be a gentleman but respect women as his equals. Stupid men need to watch what they say!
Post by sarahandeddie on Jan 29, 2016 17:59:20 GMT -5
I'm glad I wasn't out of line. DH also set him up by telling him to tell about this great deal. The guy looked like a deer in the headlights when after his second sentence I told him I would have punched him in the face. I also told him its his own fault if his wife stops having sex with him because he's made her feel bad about her body. DH knew exactly what my reaction would be.
I'd be upset with your DH too. Kids a absorb everything. We need to teach them how to relate to the opposite sex in a positive way and get rid of antiquated stereotypes.
You spoke honestly and passionately from your heart and gut. I don't think he's getting your perspective from anywhere else (sadly), so hopefully it gives him something to chew on.
traceyt07 I would have had the same reaction. Little minds absorb everything and what they hear now is shaping their perspectives and understanding of the world.
Post by xanthepants on Jan 30, 2016 9:19:41 GMT -5
I think it's extraordinary unrealistic to think women are going to maintain their high school or even 21 year weight well into their adulthood in any case. I would hazard a guess that statistically it's pretty rare, particularly after childbirth. He wants to pay for half, awesome. Leave it at that- Great. Let her set her goal weight. That's her choice, not his. She gets their and he wants to encourage her with a financial incentive, I guess that's fine. But no way to him setting th number. There is soooo much pressure about weight from every direction. We don't need it from the people we entrust ourselves to the most. Tracy I find even myself making comments that are so unintentional about girls, money and I don't even know where it comes from sometimes. It is so entrenched. We have to do better in our own house. I know she can do anything she wants, I just have to make sure she hears a great message from both of us all the time.
Wow I missed this the other day, but I think you were justified in your comments. 100%.
It certainly sounds like your H was setting that scenario up for you. Especially if he knew what your reaction would be he clearly wanted to say something but probably knew you would say things in the right way, and let you take charge. How utterly insane. The fact that he is trying to dictate what weight he wants her to be is insane, but to justify it by saying it's not her teenage weight but what she was at 21.... um she's an adult woman who's had a child just 2 years ago. Shit like that changes your body. He should simply support her in getting healthy. If loosing weight and reaching a goal is HER priority, then he can certainly support her and encourage her, but by no means should he be dictating and setting incentives for his ideal weight for her.
You did good in my book. As for his daughter, it's one thing to say something cute about her cubby cheeks or what cute little chubby thighs she might have, in a loving manner, but to use the word fat for a toddler is not cool. I am even very cautious about the terms I use for J around her regarding her being "skinny". I always focus on how tall and strong she's growing. I never focus on "skinny" vs "fat" and I am conscious about when I talk about myself too and talk about how mommy is eating healthy foods and making good choices to make me feel good - not about loosing weight, even if that is some (much) of my motivation!
Post by sarahandeddie on Feb 3, 2016 16:52:17 GMT -5
So DH was over at his friends house and the wife brought up what happened. He said she was all giggly and thought it was funny. I'm so confused. I don't know any woman that would be okay with it. I suppose she could be making a joke out of it because she's embarrassed or upset. Who knows, some people just defy all logic.
So DH was over at his friends house and the wife brought up what happened. He said she was all giggly and thought it was funny. I'm so confused. I don't know any woman that would be okay with it. I suppose she could be making a joke out of it because she's embarrassed or upset. Who knows, some people just defy all logic.
Was she giggly over the "deal" they made, or about what happened between you and her husband? Maybe she thought it was great that someone stood up to him and said those things because she would never have the audacity to say them?? Or, maybe she's just so self conscious or has such low self asteem that she relies on him to feel good about herself, and therefore it was more of a nervous laugh type thing over feeling bad about having another woman stand up for her?
Post by sarahandeddie on Feb 3, 2016 22:37:57 GMT -5
He said she was giggly over the whole thing. He was baffled. I guess I've taught him well over the years. He told me that my weight bothered him (DD#1 was almost 1) and I let him have it. He has never mentioned weight again. I'm glad I said what I did to this guy. He needs to get a grip on reality. I guess we'll see how this plays out in a year. If she doesn't reach his goal weight I bet she changes her opinion.
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