Thoughts? Adding my nephew to my home

[bullybutt]

Bloop*

[mamanorris]

You are a great aunt. It could definitely get chaotic but if you are someone that can thrive in chaos I say go for it. Maybe send him home for some weekends and vacation. Or just do a trial run over the summer?

[mamanorris]

Also I come from a place where I wish someone had done this for me. No one gave a fuck about my grades or what I was doing, it only mattered that I took care of my younger siblings and that the house was spotless. I agree that if your nephew isn't 100% into it then it won't work. Also be upfront about your expectations for him.

[bullybutt]

Yes, he knows about it.

[bullybutt]

Also, he's not getting a free ride to do what he pleases. He will learn to be self-sufficient and pull his weight. He'll have to. I can't do it all on my own and he is old enough to start. It will also help me with him being at home and able to pick up my R after school and watch him until one of us gets off work.

[liziz]

I only worry that it's a lot for you to take on with the surrogacy, but I think you could be really helping out your nephew if he's excited about it!

[bullybutt]

Feb 1, 2016 11:24:48 GMT -5 @zerozeroone said:

Feb 1, 2016 11:10:33 GMT -5 bullybutt said:

Yes, he knows about it and he wants it more than anyone. He hates his living situation. My BIL treats him like a sack of clothes piled on the floor. He's just a burden to them. He is not my BILs biological child and you can definitely see the favoritism between the kids by both parents. My sister denies everything. I talked to both my sister and R about it and told them I would be willing to do this for him and he's ready to pack his shit now and go. I'm not sure if I want to pull him out of his current school though.

In that case it sounds like this could be a really great situation for him. Someone very close to me had a similar upbringing but didn't have anyone looking out for him and it has really had a negative impact on his life so I'm happy R has you. I kind of want to punch your BIL for his main concern being taxes.

I suppose I would put out there what your expectations are before he moves in so you're on the same page (like chores, babysitting, school work, etc). Also if you plan to set a curfew and that sort of thing (as he gets older and makes friends he might want to be out at night). 

I thought of making a basic "contract" for him.  Is that too much?  I have general expectations of him. His curfew and freedoms will be based upon his work in school. That is my #1 priority with him at this time.

[Lola]

I think that's awesome for you to do bullybutt. It sounds like he really needs you.
Is it possible to meet with some of his teachers now, or maybe the guidance counselor to see how things are going?

[bullybutt]

Feb 1, 2016 11:37:07 GMT -5 Lola said:

I think that's awesome for you to do bullybutt . It sounds like he really needs you.
Is it possible to meet with some of his teachers now, or maybe the guidance counselor to see how things are going?

I'm not sure if I could not being a guardian.  I'll see if I can get the number/email from my sister...if she'll give it. One minute he is doing "fine", the next he is failing all but one class.  It's nerve-wracking.

[mary1217]

Feb 1, 2016 10:40:20 GMT -5 bullybutt said:

I think I have talked about this before, but my soon to be 15 year old nephew has always struggled/not given a damn about school. He goes to a huge school district and is just another number/face. He slips through the cracks and my sister has her head too far up my BILs ass to give a shit about "R". They are both okay to just give him over to me so that he can live with me and I can enroll him in the smaller school district that I live in. Academics are a must for my kids. 

My BILs only stipulation with R coming to live with me is that they still get to claim him on their taxes O.O!!!  JFC, but I digress.

So my plan is to contact the school and get him enrolled for the next year's school enrollment (this month).  They have free tutoring for math and English that I plan to have him take advantage of (if he needs it.  I need to double check on the classes that he struggles in).  This kid is not dumb.  He is just like his mother and doesn't give a shit because no one gives a shit about him.  I seriously think he will thrive with me and the smaller school. 

I know that my plate is going to be extremely full this year all things considered, but I love this kid and he deserves to have a chance at a better life (that I can give him).  My only concern is him being away from his siblings and vice versa (even though they are only 20 minutes away). 

Thoughts/concerns/questions for me to think about before this plan gets going?

Can you just enroll him and use your address but have him still live with his parents and siblings?   I wasn't sure if he needed a different school or just to be away from his current living situation as well. 

[mary1217]

I think the contract is a good idea. It will give him goals to meet and set good boundaries.

[rlb]

Feb 1, 2016 11:21:37 GMT -5 liziz said:

I only worry that it's a lot for you to take on with the surrogacy, but I think you could be really helping out your nephew if he's excited about it!

These are my thoughts.  But as long as you are clear about expectations and follow through, and he doesn't abuse the situation, it could be a good thing for all!

[bullybutt]

Feb 1, 2016 12:23:12 GMT -5 mary1217 said:

Feb 1, 2016 10:40:20 GMT -5 bullybutt said:

(even though they are only 20 minutes away). 

Thoughts/concerns/questions for me to think about before this plan gets going?

Can you just enroll him and use your address but have him still live with his parents and siblings?   I wasn't sure if he needed a different school or just to be away from his current living situation as well. 

He needs a new school and a new living situation.  

[hrgwu2006]

My sister fosters teenagers and she does contracts. It helps set the expectations, rules, rewards and consequences up front. Everyone signs and that is that. Just important to be consistent and follow the contract.

I applaud what you are trying to do. It is really awesome that you want to help him thrive and give him what his parents are unwilling to give him. Hugs!

[soon2bmrsn]

Feb 1, 2016 15:23:06 GMT -5 hrgwu2006 said:

My sister fosters teenagers and she does contracts. It helps set the expectations, rules, rewards and consequences up front. Everyone signs and that is that. Just important to be consistent and follow the contract.

I applaud what you are trying to do. It is really awesome that you want to help him thrive and give him what his parents are unwilling to give him. Hugs!

I agree with all of this!

[lea]

It is awesome that you want to help. I guess I would just ensure it is not too much with the surrogacy, still trying to sort things out with Finkle, etc. Adding a teenager into the mix with a preschooler and a toddler on top of working full time and being pregnant might be overwhelming. I agree it is really important everything is laid out ahead of time so he knows what the expectations are as well as you having a game plan on how to deal with his situation should things not go smoothly.

Good luck. I hope this helps him be able to succeed. It is so sad that he does not have support at home. Your BIL sucks ass.

[bullybutt]

What would be a good compensation from my sister for having him live with me? Considering that I live in OK and the COL is probably not as much as everyone else. I was thinking $150/mo.

[lea]

Feb 1, 2016 16:59:37 GMT -5 bullybutt said:

What would be a good compensation from my sister for having him live with me? Considering that I live in OK and the COL is probably not as much as everyone else. I was thinking $150/mo.

I'd probably go for more than that. Teenage boys eat a lot, lol. I think Shibes gave a good list of budget items to consider.

[Lola]

Feb 1, 2016 17:41:34 GMT -5 @iheartmyshiba said:

Feb 1, 2016 16:59:37 GMT -5 bullybutt said:

What would be a good compensation from my sister for having him live with me? Considering that I live in OK and the COL is probably not as much as everyone else. I was thinking $150/mo.

Increase in food
Food for school
After school activities $$
Increase in your utilities
Gas? Miles?
Who is responsible for clothes, shoes, etc.

Also, are they responsible enough to send you $$?

Btw, you have such a big heart taking him in

I'd put a spreadsheet of each of those categories and estimated $ amount and give it to them.

[isolemnlyswear]

Feb 1, 2016 21:45:04 GMT -5 Lola said:

Feb 1, 2016 17:41:34 GMT -5 @iheartmyshiba said:

Increase in food
Food for school
After school activities $$
Increase in your utilities
Gas? Miles?
Who is responsible for clothes, shoes, etc.

Also, are they responsible enough to send you $$?

Btw, you have such a big heart taking him in

I'd put a spreadsheet of each of those categories and estimated $ amount and give it to them.

Yea and keep track of each month and adjust it if necessary. Like tell your brother I'm estimating it to be $200 but will be keeping track and we can adjust it either way depending on what is actually spent.