Friendships After Kids

[karebear]

I just got in a huge fight with a friend because she says I am not being a good friend since not going to her kids birthday. It has been very hard for us to get together or find a time to hangout (kids or no kids). Either I have something to do or she does, etc. I am really having a hard time with this because she is making me feel guilty when I feel like I have done nothing wrong. "You can't hangout? OK I understand!", but now it's, " Before Hudson, my daughter was your little baby, and now you act like you don't even care about her!"

I am about to say F*** this S*** cause I don't have time for guilt and drama. Anyone else having friend problems after kids or finding time to keep relationships alive??

[bennieangel]

People have friends? After babies?

Seriously. I feel like I don't have many lately. And they are certainly less involved than they used to be, most of my best friends don't even check up to see how we are doing. It's frustrating.

I would just let her know you obv. love being a part of her daughters life, but the birthday party doesn't work out this time. I wouldn't engage in her drama beyond that. Sorry!

[lincbeesmom]

I only have one friend...and I met her on the bump haha

[denverbride]

It's so hard to find the time now, I find my friendships have changed. I have several casual acquaintances with kids who I hang out with here and there. My long-time friends are hard to stay in contact with, but I find that on the very rare chances that I can spend some time with them, I'm grateful for it.

Can you pick a date far enough in the future and plan something, just the two of you? Hash it out, and see where it goes.

[threetaboos]

I have two friends. One has a daughter so she understands our limits. My other friend and I are just starting to talk again since B has been born. It's so hard to keep up friendships. But that's unfair of her to say you don't care about her daughter just because you couldn't make the party.

[yalllow]

Yeah my bff was the same was as op then she had a kid. She stfu.

Don't know about you guys but between two kids, 4 animals and a partner I'm ruined. Friends!? Ha. Just my work ones.

[fish8412]

We have a small group of close friends. We see them when we can but it's not a priority. Your friend doesn't really sound like a good friend. She shouldn't make you feel guilty. She should be understanding since she is also a parent.

[maganonymous]

I only have 2 friends. I've known the one since freshman year of college, so we have been through a lot of moves, relationships, and other life changes that we just kind of roll with the punches at this point. My other friend has 3 children, so we usually catch up via text regularly and see each other when the stars align. Lol

As for your dilemma, I would let her know that she is still important (and so is her daughter). Then I would wait for the dust to settle a little bit, and as a pp said, try to plan something in advance so you can be sure you will be there.

[jtizzay]

I guess I am lucky I see my two close and very single gfs the same. Maybe a few times less because I can't just make plans on the fly. My married with kids friends live further away and I feel closer to them.

I think a lot is expectations. Like you were the one who made all the effort and now you're (rightfully) unable too. I'm sorry I don't have good advice. Just empathetic

[sanibel21]

I am having a hard time keeping up with my friendships but as far as I know they all seem to be understanding. Both the ones with and without kids. The ones I've drifted from seem equally ok with drifting from me. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Deleted]

I only have creepy interweb friends. And my bff. But I see her like twice a year

[jjsmom80]

I have one good friend and she has four kids so she totally understands. We talk 4-5 times a week on my ride home from work. We probably haven't seen each other since Christmas and that was only for 15 minutes. I have friends from work and we talk at work and hang out once a month. Besides that a few friends i see 1-2 times a year who live out of town. Friends are friends because you still love each other with crazy schedules and never seeing each other.

[bandteacher]

Your friend is being a bitch. A fellow mom should get it. I don't see my friends as often now, but ours tend to come over since it's easier for us that way.

May I ask why you didn't go?

[kaitkat]

For us we move way to much to have friends but I find it's much easier to see our friends who have kids than those who don't. I'm incredibly blessed tho and am surrounded by friends who love us and our daughter! We recently moved back to my home town and are busy re connecting with friends and family.

[bennieangel]

Feb 2, 2015 19:28:20 GMT -5 jtizzay said:

I guess I am lucky I see my two close and very single gfs the same. Maybe a few times less because I can't just make plans on the fly. My married with kids friends live further away and I feel closer to them.

I think a lot is expectations. Like you were the one who made all the effort and now you're (rightfully) unable too. I'm sorry I don't have good advice. Just empathetic

This is so true. I was always the one coordinating & making things happen - so now that I'm busy our friends never get together. It's sad.

[monster]

Sorry you are dealing with that. Sounds like you may need to either talk it out and explain to her your limitations (reset expectations to your new reality) or distance yourself. I am all about removing negativity from my life... who needs extra guilt, drama and all that crap in their life.

I am blessed to have friends with kids who I can see regularly, once or twice a week, or not for a few months but regardless of the frequency at that point we can always just pick up where we left off. We have been through it all together- relationships, marriage, divorce, deaths, babies, infertility. Good girlfriends are hard to find, but once you find them it's great.

[northernlghts]

Most of my friends have kids so we all "get it" and its easier for us all to hang out with our kids. But I do have one friend who is dating but not married and doesn't have kids and I haven't seen her since August. I told her when I got laid off but she didn't reach out or ask what happened or say much beyond "wth?". She reached out in December about getting together but when I told her my availability, she never responded with a date. I was pretty pissed/hurt

[turtle15sw]

Friends are important. I make an effort to see one of my non work friends once a month. We either get together for a Zumba class and smoothie on a Saturday morning., maybe coffee at panera with our little ones, and recently a bunch of new moms from my high school started a monthly get together that has been really great. I know it's hard to find the time, but when our kids out older I want to know I have good friends that were there for me and vice versa. The only reason she's upset is because she cares about you and wants to be a part of your life, and that can't be a bad thing, even if it's hard sometimes.

[twaffle]

Your friend is being a bitch. Reality is that when you have kids things are not so easy anymore. We have a couple we are friends with and they have 4 kids, if we want to see them we make a date at least 3 months in advance because of all the activities they have on weekends. Last two times we had to cancel and no one got their panties in a twist.

Before you had your kid she was like your little baby, but now you have your little baby who needs your attention and who gets ill and your friend is being an ass for not trying not to understand

[karebear]

Feb 2, 2015 21:08:48 GMT -5 bandteacher said:

Your friend is being a bitch. A fellow mom should get it. I don't see my friends as often now, but ours tend to come over since it's easier for us that way.

May I ask why you didn't go?

I chose not to go and stay home with LO. It was at a indoor water park on a Saturday morning. I only get my weekends with LO and I really cherish them besides knowing he will be back down for his first nap at 9am. I was going to call her that morning and let her know I was not coming and she beat me to the punch at 8am texting me yelling at me for not calling her.

[Somers Isles]

The minute my friendships become "work" and are full of drama I just drop them. I was once very close to this girl but then she started acting crazy and dramatic and passive aggressive towards me ... So I just don't talk to her anymore. I just don't have time for that shit.

[yalllow]

Feb 3, 2015 8:11:26 GMT -5 karebear said:

Feb 2, 2015 21:08:48 GMT -5 bandteacher said:

Your friend is being a bitch. A fellow mom should get it. I don't see my friends as often now, but ours tend to come over since it's easier for us that way.

May I ask why you didn't go?

I chose not to go and stay home with LO. It was at a indoor water park on a Saturday morning. I only get my weekends with LO and I really cherish them besides knowing he will be back down for his first nap at 9am. I was going to call her that morning and let her know I was not coming and she beat me to the punch at 8am texting me yelling at me for not calling her.

This. 

[babycaps]

I'm very lucky that 4 of my best friends have babies 2-6months older than M. So we have remained close and plan play dates here and there. We all talk on IM and text often but I see some more than others. My friends w/o kids are pretty understanding too.
I think your friend is being a total bitch!

[bennieangel]

Feb 3, 2015 9:29:03 GMT -5 babycaps said:

I'm very lucky that 4 of my best friends have babies 2-6months older than M. So we have remained close and plan play dates here and there. We all talk on IM and text often but I see some more than others. My friends w/o kids are pretty understanding too.
I think your friend is being a total bitch!

I'm really hopeful that once my bff has her babies she'll be more interested in hanging out again. But we'll see. At first she wasn't around much because I think she was sad I had a baby first / got pregnant easily & she didn't ....and then she was pregnant & now she hasn't been around much because she's busy setting up the nursery, etc - and babies will be here soon. Then hopefully once they're in daycare we can set up play dates (I always wait till daycare so no one can blame T if their baby gets sick...lol). 

[yankeepeach]

Feb 3, 2015 8:11:26 GMT -5 karebear said:

Feb 2, 2015 21:08:48 GMT -5 bandteacher said:

Your friend is being a bitch. A fellow mom should get it. I don't see my friends as often now, but ours tend to come over since it's easier for us that way.

May I ask why you didn't go?

I chose not to go and stay home with LO. It was at a indoor water park on a Saturday morning. I only get my weekends with LO and I really cherish them besides knowing he will be back down for his first nap at 9am. I was going to call her that morning and let her know I was not coming and she beat me to the punch at 8am texting me yelling at me for not calling her.

I'm going to be the odd one out and say that you are in the wrong here. You don't cancel going to a birthday party the morning of b/c you want to stay home with your kid, that's rude. I'm assuming that you knew about the party in advance and RSVP'd yes knowing that it was on a weekend and during time that you normally spend with LO. Yes, it sucks when you just want to stay home and relax but how would you feel if anyone canceled on going to your LOs party for that reason. I think that part of making friendships work when you have kids involves a little sacrifice. For me this sacrifice usually comes in the form of switching around nap time, driving out of my way to see someone or doing an activity that I may not like or may not be 100% suitable for my kids. It isn't always ideal but I do it b/c I know that my friends have made sacrifices to accommodate me and my kids as well.

I've had people cancel on coming to DS1 b day parties at the last minute and it really upsets me. A lot of time, effort and $$ goes into planning a party and it feels like a slap in the face to have someone cancel at the last minute without a really good reason. We are not having a first b day party for the twins b/c people are just too flaky and I honestly can not handle anymore bull shit "I"m sorry we're not going to be able to make it after all" excuses.

To answer your original question, yes it is really hard to keep friendships going with my friends that have kids and with those that don't.  My old work friends I keep in touch with but really only see 2-3 times/year. I have some friends with kids that I may get to see 1-2 times/week but then may go a month without seeing b/c of illness and conflicting schedules. It also gets hard when your kids are different ages and you have to deal with different pre school schedules and nap schedules.

I hope that you are able to work things out with your friend.

[disneyaddict1]

^Wss.

[disneyaddict1]

There are times when we won't see friends for a month or 2 because the kids are sick, then someone is out of town or work schedules get in the way (this is our life right now) and the list goes on.

But if we truly don't have plans I try to make sure we go to the things we are invited to or at the very least schedule something asap to make up for missing out. Because our friendships are important too. You have to find the balance. And sometimes that means spending time as a family at your friends get together. If you isolate yourself every weekend you're going to get lonely really quick.

[Somers Isles]

Feb 3, 2015 12:11:01 GMT -5 yankeepeach said:

Feb 3, 2015 8:11:26 GMT -5 karebear said:

I chose not to go and stay home with LO. It was at a indoor water park on a Saturday morning. I only get my weekends with LO and I really cherish them besides knowing he will be back down for his first nap at 9am. I was going to call her that morning and let her know I was not coming and she beat me to the punch at 8am texting me yelling at me for not calling her.

I'm going to be the odd one out and say that you are in the wrong here. You don't cancel going to a birthday party the morning of b/c you want to stay home with your kid, that's rude. I'm assuming that you knew about the party in advance and RSVP'd yes knowing that it was on a weekend and during time that you normally spend with LO. Yes, it sucks when you just want to stay home and relax but how would you feel if anyone canceled on going to your LOs party for that reason. I think that part of making friendships work when you have kids involves a little sacrifice. For me this sacrifice usually comes in the form of switching around nap time, driving out of my way to see someone or doing an activity that I may not like or may not be 100% suitable for my kids. It isn't always ideal but I do it b/c I know that my friends have made sacrifices to accommodate me and my kids as well.

I've had people cancel on coming to DS1 b day parties at the last minute and it really upsets me. A lot of time, effort and $$ goes into planning a party and it feels like a slap in the face to have someone cancel at the last minute without a really good reason. We are not having a first b day party for the twins b/c people are just too flaky and I honestly can not handle anymore bull shit "I"m sorry we're not going to be able to make it after all" excuses.

To answer your original question, yes it is really hard to keep friendships going with my friends that have kids and with those that don't.  My old work friends I keep in touch with but really only see 2-3 times/year. I have some friends with kids that I may get to see 1-2 times/week but then may go a month without seeing b/c of illness and conflicting schedules. It also gets hard when your kids are different ages and you have to deal with different pre school schedules and nap schedules.

I hope that you are able to work things out with your friend.

Actually the more I think about it, the more I agree with yankeepeach.  Special occasions like birthday parties are different than just hanging out on a random day.  I'd be super upset if my close friends didn't show up to my son's birthday party... that's a special day for him, ya know? 

[karebear]

Feb 3, 2015 12:11:01 GMT -5 yankeepeach said:

Feb 3, 2015 8:11:26 GMT -5 karebear said:

I chose not to go and stay home with LO. It was at a indoor water park on a Saturday morning. I only get my weekends with LO and I really cherish them besides knowing he will be back down for his first nap at 9am. I was going to call her that morning and let her know I was not coming and she beat me to the punch at 8am texting me yelling at me for not calling her.

I'm going to be the odd one out and say that you are in the wrong here. You don't cancel going to a birthday party the morning of b/c you want to stay home with your kid, that's rude. I'm assuming that you knew about the party in advance and RSVP'd yes knowing that it was on a weekend and during time that you normally spend with LO. Yes, it sucks when you just want to stay home and relax but how would you feel if anyone canceled on going to your LOs party for that reason. I think that part of making friendships work when you have kids involves a little sacrifice. For me this sacrifice usually comes in the form of switching around nap time, driving out of my way to see someone or doing an activity that I may not like or may not be 100% suitable for my kids. It isn't always ideal but I do it b/c I know that my friends have made sacrifices to accommodate me and my kids as well.

I've had people cancel on coming to DS1 b day parties at the last minute and it really upsets me. A lot of time, effort and $$ goes into planning a party and it feels like a slap in the face to have someone cancel at the last minute without a really good reason. We are not having a first b day party for the twins b/c people are just too flaky and I honestly can not handle anymore bull shit "I"m sorry we're not going to be able to make it after all" excuses.

To answer your original question, yes it is really hard to keep friendships going with my friends that have kids and with those that don't.  My old work friends I keep in touch with but really only see 2-3 times/year. I have some friends with kids that I may get to see 1-2 times/week but then may go a month without seeing b/c of illness and conflicting schedules. It also gets hard when your kids are different ages and you have to deal with different pre school schedules and nap schedules.

I hope that you are able to work things out with your friend.

I actually never confirmed to go because a invitation was never sent or rsvpd for anything. It was a phone call saying hey if you can come that would be great.

[karebear]

And I told her it was a have to see situation. I have had to learn my lesson with some things I cannot just commit to unless I for sure know I will be able to go and 100% on board.