"When are they coming home?"

[kate61487]

Am I the only who has come to hate this question?

I know people are well intentioned, but I'm so sick of this question, especially when it immediately follows an update. Don't you think if I knew that it would have been part of the update?

[motownthrowdown]

My daughter was born 12 weeks early at less than two pounds--when I went back to work 3 weeks later, people were asking me if she was home yet or when she'd be home. It was infuriating. Then they usually threw in a "enjoy sleeping through the night while you still can", when I was pumping every 2 or 3 hours around the clock.

[kate61487]

motownthrowdown yes! Like working, going to the nicu, and pumping 24/7 isn't exhausting.

My mom is the worst about it. I call to update her daily and ever since they hit 34w she seems to think they should be home any day and questions why we aren't pushing them harder on feeding, as if getting them home isn't my absolute priority.

[motownthrowdown]

I had to get dramatic on the eating thing with my mom. She was always like, well why don't they just make her eat everything by mouth and stop the tube? She'll eat if she's hungry. I told her that first of all, that was the dumbest thing in the world for her to say. Second, eating is incredibly tiring for preemies (she was using the ultra preemie nipple at that point) and if they get too tired, they start not breathing or having heart rate drops. Third, preemies value sleep above everything else because of the way their brains are wired. They shouldn't be awake yet, they shouldn't even be born yet. Their default is to sleep. So no, she won't just wake herself up to eat.

For everyone else, I tried to remind myself that they didn't know anything about preemies, just like I hadn't known anything about them before I needed to. But it sucks. I would go up to my pumping room and just cry.

[kate61487]

Yesterday my mom told me they used to just send preemies home as soon as they hit 5lbs so she doesn't know why on earth my 6 and 7lb babies aren't home yet, because my great aunt had preemies and they went home at 5lbs. I finally said "well then I'm glad none of them died since feeding when they're not awake and interested results it them choking and their heart rates dropping". Hoping I bought myself a couple of days before she pushes it again.

[motownthrowdown]

Feb 4, 2016 14:46:00 GMT -5 kate61487 said:

Yesterday my mom told me they used to just send preemies home as soon as they hit 5lbs so she doesn't know why on earth my 6 and 7lb babies aren't home yet, because my great aunt had preemies and they went home at 5lbs. I finally said "well then I'm glad none of them died since feeding when they're not awake and interested results it them choking and their heart rates dropping". Hoping I bought myself a couple of days before she pushes it again.

Everyone seems to think there's a specific weight. I always explained that there are several things they have to be able to do before coming home, like hold their own temp, no apnea, no brady, car seat test. Weight is not really a factor by itself.

I'd ask your mom when she got her degree in neonatology and/or why she thinks she knows better than the doctors. Ate we related? Lol

[mandie]

My freaking PCP said she didn't understand why my preemie was still in the NICU when she was almost 4lbs when her full term baby was sent home at 4lbs. Uhhhh. My baby hadn't even hit 36w GA at that point. I won't be seeing that dr again.

I was fortunate with just a 3 week NICU stay, but the worst was when people would say "hopefully it won't be as long as you think" because then I would get my hopes up. And really, it needs to take as long as the baby needs. It is all up to the baby and rushing it isn't an option and would only harm the baby long term. And yes, sleep while you can is just insulting.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[runningmommy519]

As Mo mentioned, people just don't know about preemies. I always thought of that question as "what do they need to do to come home?" Instead of "when will they be home"

[kate61487]

mandie sorry about your pcp. What an ignorant thing for a doctor to say. I think you nailed it about getting your hopes up. I was trying to be cautiously optomistic by keeping 38+4 in mind as my target (would have been my original induction date if I'd made it that far), and then my mom is all "oh definitely by 36w" and it snuck in there even though I was trying to not get my hopes up. They are 37+3 today.

runningmommy519 that's a good idea, maybe if I re-phrase it in my head it won't irritate me as much

[motownthrowdown]

I will also add that, even though it takes forever, it will sneak up on you. We were told the standards about keeping temp, car seat, etc. Estimated discharge around due date, since that's when she would have been expected. Has to take all food by mouth for a total of like 3 days. She was doing half her bottles forever, falling asleep midway. This went on for a couple weeks. Then one day the nurse was like, she's taken everything since midnight, then the tube came out the next day, and then we were home.

[runningmommy519]

It's definitely better to have the due date set in your mind as coming home date.

DS1 came home two weeks before his due date.

DS2 who was a pound heavier than DS1 at birth came home 1 day after his due date.

I feel like most of the time it's earlier than the due date

[jense927]

Ugh yes kate61487 I think that is singlehandedly the most popular and frustrating question that every preemie mom gets. I got so defensive to that question. It was the one question that I desperately wanted to know but very well knew that there wasn't an answer. I like runningmommy519's suggestion to think of it as what do they need to do to come home.

Hang in there and just know that for now your babies are getting the care they need right now and just repeat that line over and over to your mom until she is sick of hearing you say it if you have to!

[wicked22]

I learned quickly that even after saying don't ask me that it was the first thing out of peoples mouths. I would then make them listen to the whole speal of criteria in detail each time in hopes they wouldn't ask again. It worked 90% of the time. The only person I was ok with asking was my boss and she understood to the point of saying 'so hows she's doing, what's the doctor saying, when you get word just give me a call and we'll get things taken care of here'. I was also super lucky that both kiddos did so well and were cut loose before their due dates.

The only upside I found with having a nicu baby (which I would trade in a heartbeat to have gone full term) was the extra time recovering from a c-section. Also both DS and DD had the 3 hour schedule ingrained in them and kept to it most of the time once home. DD sleeps more at night though which is really nice.

[wicked22]

kate61487 I hope that your babies are doing good and will be home sooner rather than later. Keep strong mama!!!

[kate61487]

Well as of Saturday I get to stop answering this question! Sean came home at 38+1 and Liam at 39+2. Their due date is this coming Thursday and my snuggle bugs are home
*poof*

[minae01]

Yay!!! That is fantastic news! Enjoy your time settling in at home. Those boys look so big. Good job, momma!

[kate61487]

Thanks minae01! Yeah they are little chunkers, both 8lb at homecoming (2.5 and 3lb at birth)

[mrspotatohead91]

So glad your boys are home!!