TTCAL Check In 2/9

[notagoddess]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year?

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? I have not been doing that great lately. I'm dealing with hopelessness, frustration, uncertainty, and not seeing eye-to-eye with MH on next steps.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Uterine septum - partially resected

Updates/questions: I AW'ed my appointment last week, where I still had a septum a year after surgery. As an update, I have an MRI scheduled on 2/22 to get better imaging. I will have a follow-up with the RE after the MRI. I will also have SA and CD3 bloodwork at that point, so he will go over those. MH is coming to the appointment.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): MH and I are arguing about what all of this means. He thinks I should either trust the doctors and believe everything went how it should, or totally avoid them. He also wants to try much longer before any intervention, though he's OK with getting the basic workup. On the other hand, I'm ready to do anything to get pregnant and waiting another year seems downright cruel.

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year? I did really well in my first semester of my master's program.

[pinkcat]

Hugs for the rough week notagoddess, I hope you and your husband are able to get on the same page. That has to be very stressful. I hope the MRI on the 22nd helps get more clarification!

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): NA

Updates/questions: No updates. Just WTO right now.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I am a little anxious about next month being cycle 12. My doctor had told after 12 cycles (including the loss)to come in to talk about testing and next steps, but I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet. It makes everything feel much more "real" if that makes sense. Seeing all the pregnancy announcements friends and family have been making in the past few months is making me very sad, though, so part of me wants to get started with my doctor as soon as the 12th cycle is up. We'll see how I feel next month.

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year? Hmmmm. This is a tough one. I got a promotion and a big raise at work, so probably that! We also got our kitchen renovation finished which has been our our list for a long time.

[wannabmama]

notagoddess I'm so sorry things are rough and it's so hard when H isn't seeing eye to eye. No matter how great they are, they don't experienced this stuff in the same way, it can be so hard to communicate effectively.
danib I'm so sorry, that is hard; the conflicting emotions make it even harder.
pinkcat I know what you mean about hesitating to go forward and it making things "real" but I'd say go ahead and set it up to go in. Everything seems to take longer than you expect and you can always pause before you actually do something, but at least you'll be gathering the information to help guide your decisions.
Status: TTC
Diagnosis: mfi, AMA
Updates/questions: just waiting and stuck in another natural cycle
Debbie downer: just tired of waiting. My friend was pregnant with her #2 at my wedding and is just about to have #3...we started trying on our honeymoon. Just a bummer to think about.
GTKY: last year was rough; sort of feels like a wasted years, truth be told. I guess I'm proud of how I've handled the loss, IF, kept our marriage going, etc.

[peaseblossom55]

Somany hugs notagoddess, I hope you & your H can agree on a plan and get on the same page
danib, I had to block a friend on FB who had her son 1 week before Anne.liese's EDD. I kept thinking about what should have been.
pinkcat, It was hard for us to take that next step too, but at the same time I was thinking this is one step closer to getting a baby in my arms.
wannabmama, I'm so sorry about all the waiting

How are you doing? Some days I am good and others I sob and cry because I miss Anne.liese so much. I blame all the hormones at this point.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Me: PCOS DH: Inversion

Updates/questions: Today will be day 4 of stims. I had u/s and blood work on Monday, they counted 7 small follicles. I go in again tomorrow morning for another observation. Hopefully there are more follies and they keep growing.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I keep finding myself quite emotional and miss my daughter so so much.

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year? I've discovered how strong of a person I am, having been through hell and back and I still keep going and most days with a smile on my face. I've learned what I am capable of and what I will do to get what I want out of life.

[peaseblossom55]

Feb 9, 2016 11:30:30 GMT -5 danib said:

peaseblossom55 you are so very strong. I saw a quote recently I feel like I should share with you, hope you don't mind:
"Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting impact on the Earth"

Thank you so much this is beautiful and now I'm tearing up at my desk. Thank you.

[kayladawn91]

notagoddess I'm sorry you and YH are having disagreements on what steps to take next. I hope you're able to find a solution that works for both of you.

danib sorry for impending AF

pinkcat sorry for the 12 cycle milestone approaching. I hope you're able to get some things figured out.

wannabmama it's hard to feel like others are kind of lapping you. Sending hugs. I understand.

peaseblossom55 FX for growing follicles!!

[requiressnacks]

notagoddess, I am so sorry that you and YH are not on the same page. I hope he starts to see your view soon.
danib, that must be so hard that you and your sister were pregnant at the same time. ((hugs))
pinkcat, sorry you've almost reached the 12 month mark. it sucks.
wannabmama,being lapped is the worst.
peaseblossom55, you are so strong! GL with all the IVF meds.

How are you doing? I am OK, happy to be doing an IUI cycle.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unexplained IF

Updates/questions: I'm just excited for my monitoring ultrasound on Friday. Makes the WTO go by a little faster when I can see things happening.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): **OPP mentioned** I had mentioned to you guys about a good friend, who was so supportive during my loss, had sent me a flippant email a few weeks ago to tell me she was pregnant with twins and "SO EXCITED!" Well, during Superbowl she posted her FB announcement and she has a May due date. FREAKING MAY. This means she got pregnant with twins in her first cycle trying. I am just so irrationally jealous. And I feel bad because I can't be a good friend to her during her pregnancy. I never even asked when she was due. Needless to say, it sort of sent me in a "woe is me" tailspin that was exacerbated by alcohol.

TL:DR - my friend got pregnant with twins on her first cycle trying and I'm jealous and being a shitty friend to her right now.

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year?

Hmm...paying off a lot of credit card debt, even with our thousands in dollars of RE bills.

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? I've been thinking a lot about my loss lately and it makes me sad.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC - Cycle 9/Month 10 AL

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: N/A

Debbie downer: I went to a 1st birthday party on Sunday and was shaking with anxiety about it for like 5 hours leading up to it. We used to be really close to the parents and I remember when I found out I was pregnant that I was excited because our baby would be close in age to theirs. So it was just a reminder that I would be close to planning a 1st birthday party and that they now have a 1 year old and I still am not even pregnant.

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year? Is it horrible that I can't think of anything? I have gained a lot of weight since my loss, I still don't have a full-time teaching job, no baby, and I just feel so lost.

[requiressnacks]

So many hugs, kayladawn91. Feeling lost is a terrible feeling. ((hugs))

[requiressnacks]

Feb 9, 2016 12:16:22 GMT -5 danib said:

Thanks requiressnacks its definitely been hard. She is one of those people you just wanna smack because she gets pregnant so easy, but then I have to remind myself that there are other areas of her life that aren't so easy and I need to keep perspective.
Anyway good luck with your IUI, and congratulations on paying off so much debt, that is something we are working toward for this year.

That's a good way to look at it - count your blessings, right?

and Thanks!

[Rama]

How are you doing? Okay

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP

Updates/questions: I thiiink I might have ovulated, somehow. Took my temp a bit early today, so it dipped quite a bit, but it's still well over coverline. I'm cautiously optimistic. Also, we should be able to start trying again after this cycle. We hit negative betas in January and we're benched two months. March is technically when we should start, but with my history, I'm confident we'd be safe starting mid-/late-February. Here's hoping my OB will be willing to order an HSG to make sure my tubes didn't incur any scarring.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Yesterday was supposed to be what I think was my NT. Ugh.

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year? Honestly? Getting pregnant.

[peaseblossom55]

kayladawn91, I'm sorry the birthday party was so hard. I hope 2016 is a year of better for you.
requiressnacks, Good luck with the iui this cycle!

[peaseblossom55]

Rama, I really hope you are off the bench sooner rather than later! Thinking of you.

[Deleted]

Hello, this is my first time posting in here so I guess I'll go with a little bit of an intro.
(TRIGGER WARNING: LC MENTIONED)

H and I are 35, we have a 5 yr old and almost 3 yr old and have been TTC our 3rd since Sept. I had a CP over Christmas. It was confusing and frustrating and sad. The nurses and doctors glossed over it like it wasn't a big deal or wasn't a loss, but it felt very much like a loss to me. Even though it was short lived there was a time I knew I was a pregnant and I was excited and laid in bed thinking of names etc. so it still hurt even though it was an early loss.
Anyway I am back to actively TTC and thought I would join in this thread.


How are you doing? I am doing ok. This is my first cycle back to TTC (it took forever to bleed after my CP). Part of me is glad to move on. Part of me feels like I am in for a long haul, i have nothing to base that on. Part of me is terrified of another loss, therefore terrified of the possibility of seeing two lines again.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, cycle 1AL, CD16, I think I O'd yesterday

Diagnosis (if applicable): AMA

Updates/questions: nothing really. Looking forward to joining you all even though the circumstances are shit. I hope everyone here is doing ok.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): oh I think I did that in my intro and how I am doing lol.

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year? H and I bought a new house and I don't want to toot my own horn but I am kicking ass at decorating it lol

[Rama]

Hugs. Welcome @irish. So sorry for the circumstances. Your nurses sound like dicks.

[requiressnacks]

Yay for ovulation, Rama!!!

[Deleted]

Read through and sending hugs to everyone who needs them. Y'all are the strongest ladies I know. (I was going to say strongest bitches... Inappropriate? LMK)

[requiressnacks]

@irish, I am so sorry you are here and so sorry about your loss. Sounds like the doctors and nurses are a-holes.

And yes, you can call me a bitch if you want. As long as there's no derogatory connotation. ;-)

[daystardreams]

notagoddess Thanks for the check in. I'm sorry you and YH are conflicted. I hope you resolve it soon!

danib My BFF's daughter was born on my first EDD. I try not to but I always think of my baby when she hits milestones. I know I'm more distant toward the baby than I am toward their older daughter. It sucks!

pinkcat 12 months is such a hard milestone, hugs!

wannabmama Sometimes just keeping it going through rough times is a huge accomplishment!

peaseblossom55 I hope tomorrow's observation goes great!

requiressnacks Sometimes being a shitty friend is the only thing that keeps me sane! You have to take care of you first!

kayladawn91 I'm sorry about the birthday party. That's rough!

AFM,

How are you doing?

I think I've entered a new level of hopeless or maybe a different stage of grief? I feel very...absent. I feel like I've resigned myself to my fate to never be a mother. I'm still upset regularly but it's just different. Maybe I'm just getting used to being desolate? It's very empty feeling.

Status: TTC but not really hard.

Diagnosis: PCOS & MTHFR

Updates: none

Debbie Downer: I think my "How are you doing?" response was enough down for one post.

GTKY: I can't really say I accomplished much in 2015. I got a job I like a lot better than my old job but I took a pay cut to do it. We also bought our first house but it isn't our dream house or anything. I'm not particularly proud of my strength or reaction to loss #3 this year either.

I guess my best accomplishment was marrying DH (although the church flooded and we had to have the wedding in a muddy yard). So the wedding wasn't great but snagging somebody as awesome as DH is something to be proud of especially since he already knew I was infertile and kind of falling apart at the seams.

[notagoddess]

danib, getting through a tough year in one piece definitely counts. I'm sorry your nephew is a constant reminder of what could have been. It's so hard.

pinkcat, it sucks you're getting to month 12 I second the suggestion to go ahead and do the initial tests with the RE. You can decide to hold off on treatment for as long as you and YH need to feel ready.

wannabmama, all the waiting sucks so freaking much. Besides the loss that has been the worst aspect of TTC for me. I'm sorry you are delayed in starting IVF and I hope this cycle goes by quickly.

peaseblossom55, I second you on discovering the strength within from this process. I hope everything with IVF continues to go smoothly.

requiressnacks, it's pretty hard to be a good friend when things are so unequal. I'm having a hard time being a good friend to my best friend. And getting pregnant on the first cycle with twins is just too much.

kayladawn91, I'm so sorry about your shitty year. I hope things look up for you soon.

Rama, the ovulation is a good sign. I hope your body is getting back to normal quickly and you will be able to start trying again soon. I agree the HSG sounds like a good idea.

@irish, welcome. This group is so supportive! I hate that you were treated like that at the doctor's office. 

daystardreams, hope I'm not overstepping but you sound seriously depressed. Maybe you should consider taking a few cycles off to work on your mental health, maybe with a grief or infertility counselor? I hate that you are feeling this way

[peaseblossom55]

daystardreams, I'm so sorry you are feeling so down, I wish I could give you a hug in person.
@irish I am so sorry you are hear. I had a chemical as well, I had such high hopes for this and I was so excited only be to so let down. I hope it happens for you again soon.

[littlelion]

How are you doing? This week not too good.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, CD1 back to WTO

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR and AMA

Updates/questions: My cycles AL have been all over the place. The minute I think I'm "late" I test and test and all I get are BFNs. And then AF shows up. 

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I handled the BFNs ok until OPP's brought me down. I don't want to talk to DH about continuing to try or hold off and make solid plans to travel to Mexico.  I feel like whichever we decide will make me unhappy. 

GTKY: What has been your biggest accomplishment of the past year? Leaving my old, boring job with a higher pay. And getting a new job that may not pay the same and is definitely more work, but at least I look fwd to the day when I wake up. 

[hydrangea1019]

Hi ladies!!

notagoddess sorry about not being on the same page with YH. That can make things even more stressful
danib that can be so hard playing and seeing your nephew. My nephew is two months older to the day. I feel you. ((Hugs))
pinkcat taking that next step is scary. I hope you don't got that 12th mark.
wannabmama ((hugs)) seeing others and their growing families is so hard!
@peaseblossom FX so hard for you!! Keep those follies growing!
requiressnacks FX for this IUI cycle!! ((Hugs)) for the friend situation.
So many ((Hugs)) kayladawn91. Seeing and being at other bday parties for kids is hard
Rama FX you can get that HSG and get to trying!!
@irish sorry you find yourself here but I'm glad you've joined in
daystardreams so sorry this year has been to tough, but FX this year is so much better
Ugh littlelion sorry for CD1. I was rooting for you!


How are you? I'm ok. Meh.
Status: TTC in the TWW. Waiting on cd1
Dx: N/A
Updates: I'm getting nervous about this RE appt tomorrow. I know it's just a consult, but I get so nervous talking about stuff I feel like I'm going to be a mess.
Debbie downer: nothing in particular
GTKY: purchasing our first home

[littlelion]

notagoddess, sorry YH doesn't agree to a faster timeline for intervention. 
danib, keeping it all together this past year is def an accomplishment to be proud of!
pinkcat, 12 mo is a hard milestone, good luck figuring out what next steps you're ready to take
wannabmama, sorry your year was filled with challenges & that you find yourself in a holding pattern. waiting sucks
peaseblossom55, GL getting many big follies!
kayladawn91, huge hug my friend. 
requiressnacks, that's quite ok. we all need space and to feel what we feel. Real friends will understand and wait for you whenever you are ready to be present again.
Rama, Yay for O'ing! that's some good news today.
@irish, Sorry you find yourself here but welcome
daystardreams, first big hug to you. and second, don't stop believing! I hope you don't take that the wrong way. I've been in your shoes and the 3rd loss was also very difficult especially because it was more painful physically. But if you have an RE that is willing to try anything and everything and YH supports you emotionally then try to keep the hope alive. I don't want to be insensitive to your pain so I'll stop talking. PM me if you ever want to talk, we have very similar history. 

[littlelion]

Feb 9, 2016 14:00:52 GMT -5 hydrangea1019 said:

Ugh littlelion sorry for CD1. I was rooting for you!

How are you? I'm ok. Meh.
Status: TTC in the TWW. Waiting on cd1
Dx: N/A
Updates: I'm getting nervous about this RE appt tomorrow. I know it's just a consult, but I get so nervous talking about stuff I feel like I'm going to be a mess.
Debbie downer: nothing in particular
GTKY: purchasing our first home

CD1 is a sneaky bastard. Good luck tomorrow! 

[peaseblossom55]

littlelion I'm sorry for Cd1
hydrangea1019 Good luck tomorrow let me know how it all goes.

[requiressnacks]

hydrangea1019, good luck tomorrow! The only good thing is that you might be able to do your CD3 BW this cycle.

[hydrangea1019]

Feb 9, 2016 14:37:03 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

hydrangea1019, good luck tomorrow! The only good thing is that you might be able to do your CD3 BW this cycle.

I actually thought about this. I guess that's the silver lining in it lol

[wannabmama]

kayladawn91 I'm so sorry you're feeling lost ((hugs))
requiressnacks GL with IUI!
@irish I had a CP and I struggle with it being glosses over, I know what you mean about there being a time, no matter how short, that I felt pregnant and some days all I can think about is how happy H and I were.