TTCAL Check-In 2/16

[notagoddess]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

GTKY: How are your parents in this? Do they know? Are they supportive? Do they get it?

[notagoddess]

How are you doing? I'm mostly OK, but I have a lot of anxiety around the still-existing septum. 

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC - TWW

Diagnosis (if applicable): Uterine septum

Updates/questions: I know the decision to have another surgery will be up to me to some extent. And I REALLY don't want to have to go through another surgery, even though it's an easy procedure. But I don't want to be filled with guilt if I have another MC. I don't know if it's "legit" to choose to leave it alone for now.

I'm awaiting an MRI and an appointment with the RE, hopefully those will make it somewhat clearer. Still, there's going to be a choice involved. I'm having some nightmares, muscle aches, and other physical manifestations of anxiety.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I possibly ovulated 3 days after I first thought, leaving us with low timing. And I don't even care.

GTKY: My parents know, and they were very supportive during the MC limbo, the D&C, the diagnostics, and the septum surgery. One thing that I really appreciate is they helped with some of the medical bills around those procedures. Over a year out, they don't bring it up anymore.

I would say they don't get it though. My mom was telling me about how my cousin was accidentally KU, and she expected me to be scandalized because she's not married or even engaged. I was instead sad and bitter, and she was like, well it's not a race. It doesn't matter when you have your children. Like all this time of suffering is just nothing. I don't know, that didn't feel good.

[peaseblossom55]

notagoddess, thank you for starting. I hope you can come to some kind of decision about the surgery soon.

How are you doing? Kind of crappy, kind of excited, kind of nervous too.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Me: PCOS DH: Inversion

Updates/questions: So as of yesterday I had like 12 follicles, I triggered late last night and the egg retrieval is tomorrow. I'm hoping they get a lot of good mature eggs. I just feel pretty tired, bloated and so ready to get this part over with. I'm also excited/hopeful this is the start of getting us our rainbow.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): None at the moment I've been focusing quite a bit on the now and the IVF process.

GTKY: How are your parents in this? Do they know? Are they supportive? Do they get it? Of course both of our parents know about everything. They were at the hospital when Anneliese was born. They both know we are going through IVF, they really don't pry but are supportive when/if we offer information. I've been trying to not to share too much because I don't want to get the questions if it worked or not.

[hydrangea1019]

Hi ladies. I hope everyone is have a pretty good week
notagoddess FX the MRI and meeting with an RE will provide you with clear guidance regarding surgery or no surgery.
peaseblossom55 FX this is the start to your rainbow!!!

How are you? I'm ok.
Status: TTC WTO cd4
Dx: N/A as of now
Updates: had our first consult with our RE last week. It went really well. It was good timing on our part because my period was just about to start, so we could start our testing pretty fast. Just had CD 3 b/w and u/s completed. My b/w results all seem to fall within the normal range. My HSG is scheduled for a week from today, on cd11, and then earliest DH could get in for his SA is early March. Then we'll meet back up to go over all the findings with the RE. DH is determined that it's him that's the 'issue'... I keep telling him we'll see.
Debbie Downer: nothing right now thankfully. Just really wanting to be pregnant.
GTKY: my parents are super supportive. My dad and I only really talk about it by email or text. He'll send me supportive bible verses. My mom tends to really try to protect me from stuff, sometimes I get annoyed and sometimes I really appreciate it. Neither of them really understand the next process, and mom asks a lot of questions, but I know she's just trying to understand and get what we are doing and going through.

[littlelion]

How are you doing? I could be better

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, WTO

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR & AMA

Updates/questions: DH and I finally talked it thru and decided we don't want to stop trying so if I end up pregnant then I won't make the trip to Mexico with him. And I mentioned it to my sister and now she is telling me all the Zika risks. Such as it can be transmitted thru sex. And if I go I need to wait to TTC after. She means well but I just can't esp since it can be a moot point. 

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Still stings that last cycle was a bust. When I think I've moved past it something brings it all back. My period was a couple days later than usual so I had one day that I let myself believe I was pregnant.

GTKY: It's just my dad. He knows since the very first one. I tried to keep subsequent losses from him but he felt hurt. So I tell him everything. For the most part he understands but mostly worries a lot and wants me to stop trying esp after the ectopic.  I always thought I'd miss my mom not knowing my children, but it's been so difficult to go thru all these losses without her. 

[littlelion]

notagoddess, I'm sorry your decision is causing you so much anxiety. Hope your MRI helps you come to a clear decision.
peaseblossom55, GL at tomorrow's egg retrieval! 
hydrangea1019, GL with all your tests! It's sweet that your dad sends you bible verses. 

[peaseblossom55]

hydrangea1019,glad the RE went well and you have a good plan
littlelion, Glad you made the decision about Mexico!

[doodler]

notagoddess I am so sorry about all of this. I hope that the right decision becomes clearer after your appointments.

peaseblossom55 I have everything crossed for you!!!

hydrangea1019 good luck with the upcoming testing!

littlelion sorry about last cycle



How are you doing? OK? I'm glad we got some answers about this last loss but it is just a lot to process.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched for a few cycles.

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions: We found out last week that this last loss was a result of the baby having Triploidy. I now have to do betas for the next few months to make sure it is not a partial molar. The doctor doesn't want to do any additional testing because it was not an inherited issue. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Oh and first counseling session is today.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing specific at this time.

GTKY: How are your parents in this? Do they know? Are they supportive? Do they get it? Mine know. My Dad acts like it never happened. He sent me a text after the first one but that's about it. I am fine with that though. My Mom has a hard time with it because she wants to be there for me 100% and I'm not really in a place where I can let anyone in that way right now. So I struggle with not upsetting her. It's a serious struggle for me to balance my emotions and healing with her thinking I am pushing her away.

[peaseblossom55]

doodler, I'm sending you so many hugs, hopefully it's not a partial molar or anything. We went back to the RE in early October and he did run a full DNA panel on both H & I just to be sure and even though they consider triploidy a fluke. Can they do any testing for your repeated loses? Good luck with the first therapy session, it has helped me out so much.

[diamondsndaisies]

How are you doing?Alright. Somedays are better than others.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched until Fall 2016

Diagnosis (if applicable): Blood clot/blood thinners until May

Updates/questions: Anyone ever been on Lovenox during pregnancy? I will have to be on it for any future pregnancies & 6weeks PP.

Debbie downer (a place to vent):Went to see my MFM yesterday and he told me that he wants us to wait until fall to start trying again to give us 18 months in between c-sections. I was only told I had to wait until I was off of my blood thinners in may, so this not well received. I understand why he wants us to wait, but it is still hard when I wanted to be pregnant yesterday. I also am still having issues with my leg as a result of my clot and sounds like I have to have more tests done because I am still dealing with swelling. I will be happy to have more answers but I don't like the idea that there is still something wrong.

GTKY: How are your parents in this? Do they know? Are they supportive? Do they get it?
Absolutely. They have been with me the whole way. They try to help any way they can.

[peaseblossom55]

diamondsndaisies, I'm so sorry there is another delay to begin TTC again, that must be so frustrating. I think of you and your angels all the time.

[hydrangea1019]

littlelion ((hugs)) having those periods that come a little later than we anticipate bring so much hope and hurt.
doodler ((hugs)) I hope your guest counseling session goes well and that the therapist is a good fit for you.
diamondsndaisies waiting is super hard. I hope the time goes quickly for you so you can burn that bench!

[Deleted]

How are you doing?:
I am ok. I'm in the 2WW but too early to test and have been symptom spotting and catching myself almost climbing on the crazy train. But then I find myself thinking "well even if I were to get a BFP I can't get excited about it right away because what if it's just another CP?"
I don't want to think like or worry but it is what it is.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): AMA

Updates/questions: nothing here really, just waiting out the TWW

Debbie downer (a place to vent): ok this is a big vent and people might find it trigger-y so ***TRIGGER WARNING***
A friend told me that her sister is trying for their second. She has a girl and has started asking people if they think it's weird if she has a boy next to use the boy name they had chosen for her daughter. Why would that be weird? Well according to her, the doctor originally said her daughter was a boy and they found out weeks later he was wrong. She says that " she bonded with that boy baby and then he was gone" and she was "devastated" so it feels like a loss and doesn't feel right using the name.
WTAF? You didn't lose him, he turned out to be a she. You gave birth to that healthy baby. fuck you asshole.

GTKY: How are your parents in this? Do they know? Are they supportive? Do they get it?

My family (parents and siblings) know because my loss occurred during Christmas and there was no way I could hide that something was wrong. They're mostly supportive. But at the same time I get the impression that they (mostly mom) feel like it's not a big deal and i should just be happy with the 2 I have. Funny coming from someone who has had a loss and has 4 children.

[daystardreams]

notagoddess I hope your upcoming appointments clears things up. That sounds like such a hard decision to make.

peaseblossom55 FX for egg retrieval!

hydrangea1019 I'm glad the testing stage is going well so far!

littlelion I'm glad you came to a decision about Mexico.

doodler GL at counseling and so many hugs!

@diamondsndaises So sorry there is another delay.

AFM,

How are you doing? Eh, about the same. I think I was more upset last week because I thought I wouldn't ovulate this month (after the last loss I didn't ovulate for five months) but I ovulated right on schedule even without Letrozole. I feel much better about TTC now.

Status: TTC-5 DPO

Diagnosis: PCOS & MTHFR

Updates: Nothing has really changed.

Debbie Downer: I'm just at the end of my rope. At the start of every cycle I think this is it. This is the last cycle we are trying, I can't take it anymore but then we get a BFN and I start the process over again.

GTKY: My dad doesn't know what to say so he just says nothing at all which I get. My mom is very supportive. She's the first person I call every time. I definitely get the feeling that she has researched what not to say to people after a loss. However she resists EVERYthing. She is very suspicious of any new medicine I take. I know it's hard for her to understand that we are tired of waiting and that every month is heartbreaking. She thinks I'm so young and she thinks that if we just keep trying naturally, it'll happen for us eventually. She knows lots of stories of women who got pregnant after they gave up or after ten years or after seven losses. I always remind her that for every 'miracle' happy ending, somewhere there is somebody who is living childless. People just don't spread that story around as much. She's supportive, just old-fashioned I guess.

[Deleted]

Hugs to everyone

[hydrangea1019]

@irish that's really weird! Why would she consider that a loss?! She clearly has no idea
daystardreams so glad O came right on time for you and not 5 months later.

[daystardreams]

danib Thank you for sharing your story. I never really thought about how the people in the miracle stories would feel but since I always hate hearing people offer up happy stories like some kind of infertility band aid, I definitely get what you are saying. I hate hearing them and I would hate them being used to make somebody feel how I feel now.

Ironically, I actually like hearing people's success stories and even google them from time to time but I don't want to hear it as a response to me talking about moving on to IUIs or the new medicine I'm taking. There is a time for it.

[requiressnacks]

notagoddess, so many hugs for your situation. I hope you can get some clarity and make the right choice.
peaseblossom55, GL tomorrow!
hydrangea1019,I'm so glad your consult went well! I always took comfort in having a plan.
littlelion, don't you love when your sisters magically become doctors? (That was my sarcasm font)
doodler, I'm glad you got some answers. And my dad is like your dad - pretends it never happened.
diamondsndaisies, that really sucks that you have to wait longer.
danib, I'm so glad you and YH are on the same page.
@irish, I'm with you on this one. Fuck you asshole.
daystardreams, TTC is the worst rollercoaster to be on. ((hugs))

AFM.....

How are you doing? Good...Ok....I'm not sure. I cried at my IUI, but I'm happy I had it.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, Cycle 15/2AL

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unexplained IF

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I cried at my IUI because we were SO lucky last time to GKU at the 1st IUI. I feel like there is no way we will be that lucky again.

GTKY: How are your parents in this? Do they know? Are they supportive? Do they get it?

I was actually really surprised at how non-supportive my parents were. The weekend I was miscarrying with cytotec I didn't hear from my mom or my sisters. They posted pictures on FB about all the fun they were having that weekend. My dad (divorced) found out through my sister and didn't want to talk about it.

My in-laws on the other hand have been great. My MIL gave me a token of St. Gerard - the patron saint of fertility. I carry it in my wallet. People can sure be surprising.

[peaseblossom55]

requiressnacks, I love the sarcasm font. FX for you this second first iui works out for you.

[akraus2015]

SPOILER: Click to show

notagoddess , thinking about you today. Whatever you decide will be the right choice for you and your family.

peaseblossom55 , I’m glad that you have supportive family. It’s hard sometimes to know the right amount of information to share. I tend to be an over-sharer, which helps get things out of my head, but then I get frustrated when people ask me questions and I don’t feel like talking.

hydrangea1019 , I’m glad you had a good consult apt. It feels good to know you’re taking steps in the right direction!!

littlelion , ((hugs)). I’m glad your dad is there for you, but sometimes it’s just not the same as having your mom to talk to.

doodler , good luck at your first counseling session today! I hope it brings you some peace. 

diamondsndaisies ,, I’m sorry to hear that you’re benched, but glad that you have a supportive family!

danib , I’m glad to hear that your sad feelings are less and less these days. That means healing is happening!

@irish , FX that this is your month!! I’m sorry that your friend’s story is affecting you the way it is. Does your friend know about your loss? If so, I feel like she should have maybe just kept that story to herself.

daystardreams , congrats on a quick O! That is reassuring!

How are you doing? I'm pretty good this week, except that my period was 5 days later than normal (33 day cycle instead of 28) so of course this one is a bitch...cramps, bloating, fatigue, and ALLL the Valentine's Day chocolate. Seems like that happens about 2-3 times a year.
Status: CD3, WTO...I think we might be benched for a minute.
Diagnosis: MTHFR, suspected uterine septum
Updates/Questions: My period finally came back, so I was able to schedule my SHG for next Tuesday. Then we'll know whether or not I will need surgery and whether we'll need to abstain for a few months.
Debbie Downer: I finally broke down and sold a bunch of Emmett's stuff this weekend. I got rid of the car seat we never got to open, $250 worth of cloth diapers that never got used, and several onesies and baby blankets that I was tired of looking at. I am going to take the money that I got back from those things and do something nice for myself (probably pay for the rest of my trip to Florida for the Stella & Dot conference in July), but it was still sad. I think it made DH upset, too. I tried selling my maternity clothes, but haven't gotten any bites yet. It's all so darn cute...it just makes me sad knowing I won't be able to wear any of it for a long time.
GTKY: My parents are supportive, but like others have said, my mom often says the wrong thing. She doesn't want me to feel sad, but then she says things like "Gee, our family sure would be a lot happier and have something good to focus on if we had a grandbaby in the family..." (My dad was just diagnosed with throat cancer, so she thinks if I get pregnant that will give everyone something happy to focus on....thanks for the pressure, mom!!)[/spoiler]

[notagoddess]

peaseblossom55, I know you feel crummy but I am rooting for you tomorrow and I really think this will be the start of getting your rainbow.

hydrangea1019, hugs for you and your husband. That must be tough seeing your H so down on himself that it might be his fault. I'm glad the appointment was helpful though.

littlelion, I am so sorry you are going through this without your mom. It sounds like you made a good choice for your family about the Mexico trip. Your sister's input is really not necessary.

doodler, hugs. I'm sorry your baby had triploidy and that you now have to be monitored for a while. How scary. I hope the counselor can help you work through all that you're dealing with.

diamondsndaisies, there are no words for how sorry I am for your losses. The 18 months wait is reasonable medically, but so difficult emotionally. I hope the issues with your leg are resolved soon.

danib, it seems you are coming to a place of acceptance. I wish it were different and you could get the family you hoped for, but being more at peace with things is an achievement too.

@irish, WTF at your friend's dumbass comments. I get not reusing the name, but calling it a loss is too much.

daystardreams, "I know it's hard for her to understand that we are tired of waiting and that every month is heartbreaking. She thinks I'm so young and she thinks that if we just keep trying naturally, it'll happen for us eventually" --> this is my mom exactly. I'm glad you ovulated on your own though, that's great!

requiressnacks, hugs at the mixed emotions at the IUI today. I hope St. Gerard watches over you.

[peaseblossom55]

akraus2015, I'm so sorry you sold some Emmett's things. We still have the travel system we bought for Annel.iese we never returned to Babies R US.

[notagoddess]

akraus2015, best of luck with the SHG on Tuesday, and let me know if you have any questions. I can't imagine how sad it must be to sell your baby's stuff, but seeing it is so difficult too. Lots of hugs.

[akraus2015]

Feb 16, 2016 15:09:49 GMT -5 peaseblossom55 said:

akraus2015 , I'm so sorry you sold some Emmett's things. We still have the travel system we bought for Annel.iese we never returned to Babies R US.

I have been thinking about it for awhile now.  I figured, 1) it expires, so it's sitting in the box losing value, 2) I could use that money for something else right now that will lift my spirits, and 3) I hate looking at it...

***Trigger Warning--OPP***
The part that I did not anticipate is that I posted it on a local Facebook swap/sell page, and H's best friend's wife commented that she was interested.  I thought "Hm...their child is almost 2; now is a weird time to want a new car seat."  Apparently she is 10 weeks pregnant again and assumed that my husband would have already told me, since her husband told him a long time ago.  He was intentionally not telling me because he didn't want to upset me....but it turns out I felt even stupider being blindsided with the fact that yet another one of our friends is pregnant.  (That makes 5 announcements from close friends in less than 7 days...)

[requiressnacks]

5 announcements in 7 days?! So many hugs, akraus2015. That is really hard.

[akraus2015]

Feb 16, 2016 15:11:55 GMT -5 notagoddess said:

akraus2015 , best of luck with the SHG on Tuesday, and let me know if you have any questions. I can't imagine how sad it must be to sell your baby's stuff, but seeing it is so difficult too. Lots of hugs.

Thank you!  I actually might take you up on that next week, depending on what type of information I get...I really appreciate the offer.

It was sad, but at the same time, I'm glad I did it.  I have a box of things that are just Emmett's, like his Nova onesie and his tiny little Baby Chuck T's.  Those will be his things forever, but the other stuff, I felt like we just couldn't keep anymore.  It made sense to hang onto for awhile, but not anymore.

[akraus2015]

Feb 16, 2016 15:25:13 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

5 announcements in 7 days?! So many hugs, akraus2015 . That is really hard.

Yeah it REALLY sucked...and I feel like no one really understood what I was feeling.  H gets agitated with me when I get upset, because he thinks we should just be happy for other people's healthy pregnancies, which I agree with, but he doesn't understand how I can also feel sad for us at the same time.

The first three were all from the same group of friends (7 of us who went to undergrad together and have been friends for years), and they all announced IN A GROUP TEXT THAT WENT ON FOR AN ENTIRE DAY.  I mentioned to my best friend that I felt like they were insensitive not to give me a head's up, and she said "I think you're being selfish.  It's been 6 months.  No one realizes that Emmett's due date was [last] week, and no one else is thinking about him anymore but you.  Move on."

.....um....ouch.

[requiressnacks]

Feb 16, 2016 15:31:33 GMT -5 akraus2015 said:

Feb 16, 2016 15:25:13 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

5 announcements in 7 days?! So many hugs, akraus2015 . That is really hard.

Yeah it REALLY sucked...and I feel like no one really understood what I was feeling.  H gets agitated with me when I get upset, because he thinks we should just be happy for other people's healthy pregnancies, which I agree with, but he doesn't understand how I can also feel sad for us at the same time.

The first three were all from the same group of friends (7 of us who went to undergrad together and have been friends for years), and they all announced IN A GROUP TEXT THAT WENT ON FOR AN ENTIRE DAY.  I mentioned to my best friend that I felt like they were insensitive not to give me a head's up, and she said "I think you're being selfish.  It's been 6 months.  No one realizes that Emmett's due date was [last] week, and no one else is thinking about him anymore but you.  Move on."

.....um....ouch.

That is so terrible. In so many ways.

[peaseblossom55]

thank you notagoddess,

[hydrangea1019]

akraus2015 5 in 7 days?! Whoa!! I'm at the point where I'm debating on whether or not to keep social media for this exact reason.

ETA: WTAF to your friends response. For me that would've been it, friendship over. It's one thing to try and help a friend move on in a supporting manner, but to be so callous?! Nope. Bye.

HUGE ((hugs))!!!!