Haven't heard from birth mom

[cst2cst]

Hi all, it's been a bit since I posted. DD2 was born in Jan and her adoption was finalized in March. We had a short match, less than a week. After we met dd2's birth mom she asked for significantly more contact including yearly visits. We were texting weekly and had talked once after placement. Then all contact from her stopped. I had asked for some family history because I was putting together all the information I knew about her birth family so that DD would have it when she is older. There was a discrepancy between her birth parents blood types and dd2's. Didn't call specific attention to it, but I haven't heard from her since. This was almost 2 months ago.

I know it is common to have a lot of contact initially and then for it to fade. Is there anything I can do on my end? I've been texting updates so if she wanted to pick up and ignore the medical questions she can without it being awkward. I texted that I've been thinking about her and wasn't sure if she needed space or had been busy, but wanted her to know that we will always be here.

If the blood types are all accurate, her birth dad (birth mom's husband) isn't her father. I'm worried this is why she stopped contact. DD2 has bio sibs her birth mom is parenting and I'm sad that dd2 may not have contact with her birth family. I know this can be very common, it is just very different from how our relationship started.

Anything I can do at this point?

[lizblue]

I'll be following this thread. We are in a similar situation. DD's birth parents requested two visits per year but haven't responded to anything since her birth. I keep sending letters and pictures and letting them know that we are here when they are ready. I understand all the potential reasons they may have for lack of contact right now, and I do hope they respond one day. I hope DD gets to have a relationship with them. For all of the obvious reasons that it will help her, but also because her birth parents are kind and awesome people.

[nobb14]

Similar situation here...


Our match was chaotic to say the least. From the get-go our BM wanted tons of contact, and we eventually compromised with bimonthly updates (going both ways), phone/Skype when DS is older and potential visits should we travel to the west coast (we have family there so it's not an empty promise.)

We sent one update and had a weird text exchange after BM received it, basically saying she would find DS when he was 18 and she didn't want to talk to us anymore. I told her that I would continue to uphold our promise of updates in case she changed her mind and hoped she would write DS letters, going so far as including an addressed envelope (we send everything via the agency). We haven't heard from her since her text and have sent more two packages. We found out through our agency she has moved out of state and gotten married.


All of this anecdote to say, that I think each of our circumstances are just different versions of BMs moving on. For us, with the children in front of us and our lives totally changed, we revel in the constant after wanting this life for so long. for our BMs, its not so simple. They are no longer carrying the pregnancy; the attention and time spent on the match has diminished; and with the baby not in her care, the plans to stay in close contact don't always make sense for her circumstances/mental wellbeing or for what she truly wants for herself in the bigger picture.


I would try to give the BM space- her silence is sending a very loud message. While you can wonder all the live long day about what caused the break in communication, it won't change the situation. I would continue to uphold any specific promises you made with contact but otherwise back off a bit. Sometimes that's the best way to show kindness and understanding.

I remember lizblue once wisely referring to the AP/BM relationship as a marathon and not a sprint. No one knows what the future will hold and your BM may want to continue contact down the road once she figures some things out... all you can do is leave the door open.


Hugs to you.

[pinkie]

We have two completely opposite relationships/levels of openness

Our older son's BM has told me she's always available if we have medical questions or need any info. She's open to a relationship when he is older but is very worried we would confuse him by having more contact now. I don't agree but honor her wishes. I've told him about her and have shown him a picture.

We have a super close relationship with our little guy's BM. We are even going to see her later this month. We text every week and face time about once a month. She also is very nice and loving towards our older son. It's really been a great open adoption.

In your case I think you can continue to send photos but I think she may just need some space right now.

[cst2cst]

May 6, 2016 9:53:37 GMT -5 nobb14 said:

Similar situation here...


Our match was chaotic to say the least. From the get-go our BM wanted tons of contact, and we eventually compromised with bimonthly updates (going both ways), phone/Skype when DS is older and potential visits should we travel to the west coast (we have family there so it's not an empty promise.)

We sent one update and had a weird text exchange after BM received it, basically saying she would find DS when he was 18 and she didn't want to talk to us anymore. I told her that I would continue to uphold our promise of updates in case she changed her mind and hoped she would write DS letters, going so far as including an addressed envelope (we send everything via the agency). We haven't heard from her since her text and have sent more two packages. We found out through our agency she has moved out of state and gotten married.


All of this anecdote to say, that I think each of our circumstances are just different versions of BMs moving on. For us, with the children in front of us and our lives totally changed, we revel in the constant after wanting this life for so long. for our BMs, its not so simple. They are no longer carrying the pregnancy; the attention and time spent on the match has diminished; and with the baby not in her care, the plans to stay in close contact don't always make sense for her circumstances/mental wellbeing or for what she truly wants for herself in the bigger picture.


I would try to give the BM space- her silence is sending a very loud message. While you can wonder all the live long day about what caused the break in communication, it won't change the situation. I would continue to uphold any specific promises you made with contact but otherwise back off a bit. Sometimes that's the best way to show kindness and understanding.

I remember lizblue once wisely referring to the AP/BM relationship as a marathon and not a sprint. No one knows what the future will hold and your BM may want to continue contact down the road once she figures some things out... all you can do is leave the door open.


Hugs to you.

Oh, I've already backed off. I didn't mean to give the impression that I've been constantly texting. I was texting like normal but stopped as soon as it was clear that she wasn't responding. I didn't text for a month before sending the last message that we'll always be here if and when she is ready. It's up to her now.