My sister - Advice please.

[MisDawnD]

Oh no. That is a mistake I would have probably made myself. Sorry you are going through this with a family member , especially a sister. It's a tough situation because you should not be made to feel bad in this special time of your life. I do understand how she feels after going through 12 years of infertility myself. I now realize how much I shut myself out of parts of life that had to do with babies and people being pregnant. I didn't do it openly and now looking back sometimes it was even subconsciously.
Both of my sisters had kids prior to me and I'm very close with my nieces and nephews and love them so much. I guess what I'm saying is I had to deal with it the best way I knew how and I did shut myself off from people. Your sister I'm sure loves you very much but sometimes it's hard to deal with that pain that most people do not understand.
It seems like you truly care and the pictures were an honest mistake. Just keep supporting her and be there when she needs you. She will come around. Most importantly she will probably become pregnant and EVERYTHING will change.
I never thought I'd be on a forum discussing pregnancy because I thought it was over and out of the blue here I am. So I pray it happens for her soon and things go well with your relationship (and family vacation
Edited:bc I cannot spell.

[honeybunches101]

I'm sorry, that is an awkward situation to be in. I am not sure there is much you can do. You thought she wanted to see the pictures, she apparently didn't, and you apologized. Hopefully she will be able to move past it. It must be hard for her to be struggling while you had success, but I am sure in time she will be happy and love her niece/nephew. It sounds like you are handling it well by giving her space.

[andreap525]

Yikes! You did nothing wrong, and your sister's 'issues' (I don't like to use that term here but it's the only word I can come up with right now) have nothing to do with you. It's sad that they're having such a hard time conceiving, but you should try not to let it dampen any family time you'll be experiencing in the near future. Just try to keep the pregnancy convos to a minimum around her. She's going to love her niece or nephew, but it'll take time to come around I'm sure.

My sister and her husband tried for 7 years (all the while she worked as a nurse on the L&D floor ) and finally after IVF it took and now I've got a beautiful niece and brand new handsome nephew. God willing, your sister will get her blessing. Until then, I guess just keep trying to be supportive of her however you can, even if it means keeping your distance. You've done nothing wrong by being pregnant, by the picture snafu, nothing. Just take care of yourself and your baby and the rest will come to pass.

[tatersalad]

I have several good friends who have struggled and are still struggling with infertility, so I know how uncomfortable it can be when you are pregnant. I think the best advice I was given from the friend who struggled the longest is to just give your sister time to deal with emotions and let her come around on her own terms if and when she is ready. The pictures sound like an honest mistake and I'm sorry she reacted that way. Hopefully you can just keep conversations focused on the upcoming family vacation for now and she will warm up to the idea of being an aunt soon.

[ktbear]

Sorry you're going through this with your sister- I can't imagine how tough it all must be for both of you. I'm sure she will come around eventually, just keep giving her all the love and support she needs.

[kpgrala]

You didn't do anything wrong. It was misunderstanding. I have a friend who has been trying and they can't get pregnant I just try to avoid the whole topic and reassure her that one day she will. Try to talk it out that's all you can really do. Hope that helps. I'm sorry your going through this, that it must suck.

[manhattanftm]

Hi- I'm sorry you're going through this. I also struggled with infertility for many years and it was hard to see friends and family have multiple babies as we continued our struggle. I'm sure she's happy for you and can't wait to meet her niece or nephew, but the struggle with infertility can be all consuming. I agree with everyone else's advice and I would also suggest lurking on the TTC or infertility boards as you may come across some perspectives from those in similar situations to her. I mention this because you said she's not open to discussing it with you and he boards could give you some ideas on good ways to attempt more open communication. Sorry this is so long and best of luck to you both!!!

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks that your sister is having problems TTC but you haven't done anything wrong and I think her reaction to your ultrasound pics was just plain rude. This baby is going to be her niece/nephew in a few months! What's going to happen this Christmas when all of you (and your new baby) are staying in the same house? Is she going to pass on the vacation just because she can't be around babies? The only person acting like a jerk here is your sister. Yes, I get that she is going through her own shit, but you are her baby sister! And that is not how sisters are supposed to treat each other. My only advice is to tell your sister to grow up.

[tiffbot]

Having not gone through IF myself, I can't give advice or insight on that part. But having a sister I'm really close to, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for your guys' relationship right now, that would be so hard. GL.

[Deleted]

What a tough predicament! I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this stress right now for what sounds like an honest mistake.

While I do think your sister's response was completely out of line, I can say when I was going through IF I wasn't my best self. One of my best friends told me she was pregnant right in the middle and while I was happy for her, I selfishly cried and had to struggle with my own insecurities with the feeling that there was something "wrong" with me.

It took me getting my own bfp to realize I had been completely absent during most of her pregnancy and was not there for her. Now that her son is here, I have tried to be incredibly involved as well as apologized for my lack of friendship. If I had to guess, your sister probably doesn't have the best sense of herself right now and is unfortunately taking it out on you. I would give her time and know that it isn't anything you've done. It's something she has to work out on her own, right or wrong.

[billyhorrible]

I think you know you didn't do anything wrong, but I also think you know that your sister in entitled to her feelings.

I think it's hard for most of us who haven't struggled with infertility to know just how difficult a situation it is for those who do. When you want something so badly, it physically hurts when someone else gets it. It doesn't matter if it's your sister, your best friend, or someone you can't stand. It doesn't matter that it's unrelated and takes nothing away from you. It feels unfair. For your sister it probably seems like everyone else in the world can get pregnant but her, and that's incredibly isolating. Infertility can put a strain on all relationships, even the best of relationships.

I think you best bet is to let your sister stew. Let her be "mad" at you without trying to fix things. Again, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong, but letting her feel however she's going to helps acknowledge the fact that you know this is difficult for her.

[jcprn]

I'm so sorry to hear your sister is so unsupportive. She should be able to reel it in though and be at least a little happy for you. And I agree that her reaction to the ultrasound photos was completely uncalled for.

I struggled with infertility and while I was going through it my older sister got pregnant during their first attempt. She didn't know everything I was going through at the time. Obviously I was secretly selfishly devastated but that didn't mean I was up upset with her, just more upset at our situation. I was happy for her and acted as such. Of course that didn't mean I didn't cry on the drive home with DH. But I kept that shit locked up. And I felt immensely guilty that I couldn't be as happy for her as I should have been.

I never avoided her while she was pregnant but she told us all after 12 weeks so it seemed like her pregnancy flew by. And let me tell you, my nephew is the most special little boy to me. After she had him I was at her house at least every week for hours at a time (God that must have been annoying) to see him and as an aunt I was sooo in love.

I hope your sister can get past her issues enough to be a part of your and your baby's life. People get pregnant all the time, she can't take it personally and can't possibly avoid all pregnant people. I'm sorry again and I hope she can come around to reality.

[theBeeMama]

I was in a really similar situation to you when pregnant with my first. The exception is that my sister and I are VERY close, and I actually had to live with her for a time while pregnant (long story- she had agreed to it previously and I had nowhere else to go)

I don't have a lot of "advice" because you seem to already be very sensitive. I would encourage you to try your hardest to celebrate freely without being hindered by worry for her feelings... I regretted not just letting myself be happy for myself and my child. Other than that, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers because I know how hard it is. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Good news for our situation... My sister dealt with her issues, less than two years later I got pregnant again (with this little one) and I was so worried that it would send her back into some downward spiral of anger and depression, BUT she took it well and three weeks later found out that she is also pregnant! Now she's a whole new kind of bitchy and grouchy because apparently she's been saving up all of her "I'm pregnant, I can act however I want" trump cards forever... Buuuut at least her grouchiness and drama is not centered around me or my kids!! Haha

[sunnyb]

I'm actually thinking that your sisters "Ew Gross" remark is really rude. Believe me I know the pain of IF, but that's a horrible response.
You made an honest mistake.

[taisree]

While I can appreciate how painful it must be for your sister, I think she needs to grow up.

Her comment about the photos is beyond rude and I'd be pissed. Obviously it was a mistake, maybe she should have been more clear, maybe you should have asked before sending. Whatever! But to call the photos "gross?" Very unnecessary and immature IMO.

Personally I think your sister could make it work. She could set boundaries. Like no pregnancy talk, no pictures of US etc... You could still text and talk and whatever she is comfortable with.

That is exactly what I did when I suffered a loss and my BFF had just given birth. It was tough at times but we made it work.

Good luck, I hope things somehow improve. But really I think it's up to your sister, you are being very understanding.

[kemdupuis]

I wish I had advice to give you, OP. I don't think you've done anything wrong- you've been more than sensitive to your sister's needs, and apologized when you felt you may have accidentally hurt her. But at the same time, you also need to think about you. You have every right to be excited about this baby, and regardless of what is going on with anyone else, you shouldn't have to suppress that joy. I say just keep trying to build bridges with your sister, and stay as sensitive as you can to her feelings. Eventually, she'll come around, and hopefully can celebrate the fact that she has a new neice/nephew to love on! Good luck! Sending positive T&Ps your way!

[gingerbabe]

You're sister is being selfish. I cannot put myself in her shoes, so maybe I am insensitive, but how can she expect the world to not have more babies because she cannot have them. I understand it is painful, but is she going to ignore her own niece/nephew for their entire life unless she is able to get pregnant with her own child? I think you are being more than sensitive and understanding. She, however, is not being understanding or thoughtful of you at all.