Can I ask for a little support? (friend's pregnancy ment'd)

[mellymel15]

OK, I know I just got here, but can I ask for a little support? I also don't know what the new etiquette is for mentioning other women's pregnancies and kids in subject lines now that we're no longer on The Bump. So please forgive me if I did something wrong here. 

Last night was a little hard for me. As I think I've shared with many of you, my best friend pregnant (due in June, a month after I would have been due) and I've had some difficulty dealing with it. Last night, she shared with me that she's having a girl. I'm happy for her, but also feeling really, really jealous. I feel like she's getting the two things I want most— pregnant and having a girl (although, now I just want a healthy baby, period). It's not her fault and she deserves to be happy and excited. I just wish I could be happier for her. I feel like such a shitty friend. My DH says our time will come and I need to just hang in there— it's just so freakin' difficult. 

[ldubhawksfan]

I'm sorry. ((Hugs)) it's never easy watching a pregnancy after loss, but one close to you is extra hard.

[grneyes]

(((Hugs))), it's really hard to not feel sad for yourself or jealous when those things happen. Don't feel guilty for that. I have to explain to my H too that statements like 'our time will come' don't make me feel better. It's about feeling sad about my loss, and I don't want someone to try and fix things.

[kateisoptimistic]

Your feelings are normal and I think we have all been there. I'm sorry you are having a rough time ((hugs))

[mellymel15]

Thanks, ldubhawksfan. She lives in my neighborhood and we hang out all the time. Her husband and my husband have known each other since they were little kids.

[therealbug]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Remember that it is okay to set boundaries. It's hard that this is your best friend but you still need to protect yourself - even if that means requesting that she not give you any baby updates unless you bring it up.

[agpjt413]

HUGE ((hugs)) Mel - I know it's difficult, esp. w/ someone so close to you...totally normal.

[mellymel15]

Thanks, grneyes and kateisoptimistic.

grneyes, yeah, I get annoyed when he says that. I think he's frustrated because he wants to fix things, but he can't, so he offers platitudes like that. I asked him once if he's jealous of our friends and he says that he isn't at all. I don't understand how he can feel that way.

And, sorry, not trying to be whiny here. I know everyone on the board has been through this. It's just hitting me really hard because she's my best friend and I see her all the time.

[kellybenelly83]

(hugs)
Its never easy to have a close friend pregnant after a loss. Just take the time you need to wallow if you have to, but pick yourself up. Its hard to get happy, we understand that. If you need some distance, ask her for it and if she is really a good friend she should understand. Just explain that while you are happy for her, you need to protect yourself a little right now.

I hope it gets easier soon for you

[mellymel15]

Thanks, therealbug, littlecabbage1019, agpjt413, and kellybenelly83.

[lizblue]

I echo bug by saying it's ok to set up boundaries. Or at the very least letting your best friend know that it's hard for you to hear about stuff. mel, I know we've chatted before about this, but I had the same experience with my bff and it was really important for her to recognize that i had to be the one to lead the conversation. It wasn't always easy, but it meant so much to me that she tried to be sensitive.

((hugs)) girl

[mrspipp]

(((hugs))) I agree with Bug on setting boundaries. Since it's your best friend, I know you want to support her, but you have to take care of yourself first. I'm sorry you had a bad night last night.

[momentomori]

Just ((hugs)) for you. It is so tough.

[dandb925]

Big ((hugs)) Mel, it really sucks to be in this position, but as PP's have said you have every right to set up boundaries and try to protect yourself. It's ok to be happy for your friend, but sad for yourself/jealous. Do what you need to do.

heartbot, what you said is so true - there's not as much support for women who've been through losses as there is for women who have healthy pregnancies, except for places like here.

[mellymel15]

dandb925- Thanks, right now I'm just trying to mostly avoid talking with my friend about her pregnancy. She seems to respect this most of the time— I think she was just really excited last night. I'm also frustrated that there isn't more support for women like us. I hate that society just expects us to shut up and move on like we were never pregnant at all.

Thanks for the support, momentomori, heartbot, mrspipp, km380, and lizblue (and thanks for messaging with me in the past about this). 

[littleowl913]

((hugs)). One of my best friends is pregnant and is due two weeks after me. She lives in VA and I'm in NY so I haven't had to see her but I definitely kept my distance. She's due in less than two weeks and I cannot even get up the nerve to call her. I feel bad that I cannot be there for her but it is not my choice. This is done for the sake of my health. I hope she understands that and I hope your friend does too.

[rmpar29]

Many ((((HUGS)))) It's so hard having a pregnant friends while going through loss. Be kind to yourself and definitely take a step back if you need to.

[readinglove]

Sending lots of (((hugs))). That's not an easy situation to deal with by any means. 

[forevermyfenix]

PP have already said everything I would say, but know hugs are being sent your way from me as well.

[mellymel15]

I got busy at work earlier, but wanted to say thank you to forevermyfenix, readinglove, rmpar29 and littleowl913. You ladies make me feel less alone.

littleowl913, I'm sorry you are going through the same thing. It's sucky and totally not fair.

[raelynn71109]

I'm so sorry. I totally get the mixed emotions and that's completely normal. My stepsister got pregnant right after my second loss. It's been a challenge at times being happy for her while dealing with my own emotions. And now, while I'm going through my third loss, she's in the hospital getting ready to have her baby. I'm happy for her, but sad for me at the same time. ((Hugs))

[rubysi]

I am so sorry...hugs

[nikiswimr]

Sorry sweetie, many hugs. I know how hard that can be particularly with a close friend. I still have a tough time visiting my friend's LO who was delivered the week after my loss.

[o2girl]

Big ((((((hugs))))))) lady