June check-in!

[ceejay]

Hi everyone! This board has been slow lately, and it's time for another check-in. Please stop by and update everyone with what is going on in your lives!

[gnomesweetgnome]

We have had a lot going on! Several medical tests, with one more to go. We ruled out the need for feeding therapy, which is great. We are still waiting to get started with OT as soon as they work out their summer schedule. Hopefully that will be in the next week or so.

We are also in the process of moving! We got an offer accepted on a new (to us) house last Thursday, and our current home will go on the market this weekend. We expect to have several offers to look over by the end of Sunday, and hopefully will be able to move forward and get this one sold! The market is extremely hot in our area right now (we made 7 offers in two weeks, several over asking price, and only the last one was accepted), so I'm not anticipating any trouble at all.

CASA informed me last week that CPS plans to ask the judge to change the goal of J's case from reunification to adoption by unrelated family at their June court hearing (the 16th). So it is looking more and more likely that we will get to adopt him, as they still haven't found any suitable relatives or fictive kin.

B turns 3 in a month, and I cannot believe it!

[trytobearunner34]

We've got nothing going on here but waiting:(.  We have been waiting for 21 months with no action whatsoever.  

Our coordinator has told us more than once we have done absolutely everything we can and just have to wait patiently for an expectant mother/parents to decide we are the right match for her/their baby.  Unfortunately we signed on with an organization where the bulk of the money is due at the front end.  This seemed smart at the time in the event of failed matches, but living in the land of the crickets we are kicking ourselves because we are financially stuck.  

During our wait we have continued to save our money and are also looking at IVF using Donor Eggs or Embryo Donation/Adoption.  Our adoption professional does allow for a freeze period so when we begin to actively purse one of these options we will go on a freeze period until baby is born, redo our profile, and again actively pursue adoption.   DH just had his SA today, so we are waiting on the results to help us determine which direction we are heading.

So the waiting continues...

[redandblue]

trytobearunner34 sorry for the waiting with crickets. I know it is so difficult. It's good you guys are exploring other avenues as well. FX for good news for YH SA.

gnomesweetgnome another very busy month for you guys! FX for a ruling later this month that will be in J's best interest! GL getting his therapies all in place, and a big GL on selling your house!

So M will be 10 months on the 16th! He is adorable as ever and we love him to pieces! He is starting to crawl and it's so fun watching him grow and learn new things every day! I am supposed to go back to work in September, so we've started looking for a home childcare provider for 3 days per week, and my mom wants him 2 days per week. So far we have met two people and I'm not impressed with either one. I am seriously considering starting my own home childcare. It's crazy to think this way! It's been in the back of my mind for a while. So my head is spinning trying to figure out what is the right decision. I am going to start with asking my director at work if they would entertain granting me an unpaid leave for another year. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm going to ask. So that's where we are at!

What about you ceejay? What's happening in your neck of the woods? Agreed this board is beyond slow/quiet. Not sure how to get more action here. I've tried a couple times, but I keep missing the mark on topics!

[pinkie]

I always check in here but there is never any activity. And since we are finalized on both kids I don't usually have a ton to add from our adoptions.

Please don't quote as I may delete some of this.

We just got back from a trip to the west coast. We visited our little guys birth mom and family. The trip was totally exhausting but the time with his birth family was really nice. We very unexpectedly ran into our older sons birth mom (same town). What a blessing!! She wants to resume contact. We met with her and it was so wonderful.

She literally saw us while we were in a public place and then texted me. We hadn't had any contact in over a year and at that time she asked for space.

I can't even tell you how happy we were for this and I now truly believe some things were meant to be

P.s. Traveling with two kids 3 and under is ridiculously tough. We won't do it again until they are older.

[redandblue]

pinkie what a wonderful update. I'm so happy for you and DS1 that you reconnected with her. That piece is definitely the part I struggle with the most. Our son's bm has not wanted any contact and any contact would have to go through our agency, even though we live in the same city. I think about her daily and wished we had a way to stay connected. Full disclosure, some people (most not in the world of adoption) would think it's easier not to have any contact. But I know the opposite is true and struggle with knowing how to answer DS2's questions in the future without contact. I want nothing more than to have a good open relationship with her. I will continue to remain open and do what we can to let her know that door is always open. Sorry for the ramble, clearly I have lots of feelings about this!

Tl;dr I'm happy for you pinkie and wish we also had a relationship with DS2'S bm.

[lizblue]

pinkie, what an awesome update!

redandblue, I hear you. We are in a similar situation.

As for us, we finalized in April and are a happy family of three. DD is just... everything. I struggled to find an adjective to describe her. She's awesome, beautiful, a handful, spirited, frustrating, loving, funny, hard, easy, everything. Being a mom to a nine month old is hard and rewarding, and I'm so grateful for the journey that led us here.

On the adoption front - we were approached by a friend of a friend about a situation where a (white) birthmom is not able to parent. After some soul searching, we realized that if we adopt another baby, we are committed to making sure DD's brother or sister is Black like her. DD will be othered in so many ways, we don't want to add one more layer. It feels good to have come to a decision around that.

[gnomesweetgnome]

Jun 2, 2016 8:03:17 GMT -5 lizblue said:

pinkie , what an awesome update!

redandblue , I hear you. We are in a similar situation.

As for us, we finalized in April and are a happy family of three. DD is just... everything. I struggled to find an adjective to describe her. She's awesome, beautiful, a handful, spirited, frustrating, loving, funny, hard, easy, everything. Being a mom to a nine month old is hard and rewarding, and I'm so grateful for the journey that led us here.

On the adoption front - we were approached by a friend of a friend about a situation where a (white) birthmom is not able to parent. After some soul searching, we realized that if we adopt another baby, we are committed to making sure DD's brother or sister is Black like her. DD will be othered in so many ways, we don't want to add one more layer. It feels good to have come to a decision around that.

I think it's great that you are choosing to help your daughter not feel so "other" in her own home if you adopt again.  We have to make tough choices sometimes as White parents of minority children that other families don't necessarily have to think about.  For instance, we have checked into the racial make-up of the elementary schools our children will be going to to ensure they won't be too singled out as African American.  The ratios still aren't great, but at least we're aware of them.  We haven't actively sought out foster care placements that are African American, but all of our placements have been so far.  Since it looks like we'll be adopting J, we will have 2 AA sons, and I think we'll be done growing our family at that point.  If we don't adopt J and continue to foster/adopt, we will likely change our preferences to be AA or biracial only.

[lizblue]

gnomesweetgnome, I hear you. DD's public school system is 53% AA and 35% White. White people in our township have told me that the township next to us has a school district that is "much better" academically. In reality, it is "much whiter" (85%) and only scores marginally higher academically. I'm happy where we are.

[ceejay]

gnomesweetgnome - You guys have a lot going on right now! It seems like J's case is moving very quickly... is that typical in your state?

trytobearunner34 - sorry that you are still stuck in the waiting phase. FX you are matched soon!

redandblue - our little guys are about the same age! Good luck talking with your director at work.

pinkie - I'm glad you guys had a good trip and were able to reconnect with your older son's birthmom!!

lizblue - I think it's great that you are sensitive to your daughter and thinking about how she will feel in the future. Our foster sons are AA, and we have already talked a lot about how we will be sensitive to race issues as they grow up. We are glad to live in a very racially diverse neighborhood and have also checked to make sure that our school district is diverse as well.

[ceejay]

We have had our foster sons for 9 months now. They are both growing so fast and are adorable and fun little boys. Our younger FS is 10 months old and looking more and more like a toddler and less like a baby! He has been crawling and pulling up for a couple months now and loves to walk around with help. He will probably be walking on his own in the next month or two! He also knows a few words like bye bye and uh oh. So cute! Our older FS is 2.5 and definitely transitioned from toddler to little kid. He is so verbal and is a lot of fun to talk with. He now enjoys doing some activities on his own but also likes to help out with whatever we are doing.

Their bio parents have been mostly MIA since the adjudication hearing in March. They haven't showed up for their weekly drug tests in 3 months and therefore haven't had a visit in 3 months. They also aren't making an effort to stay in touch with the caseworker or complete their required services. So it's looking more likely that the case may head to TPR and adoption, but it will still be a while before we know for sure. Unless the bio parents make dramatic changes in the next couple months, I think that our caseworker and CASA will be recommending a goal change to TPR and adoption at the permanency hearing in September, but it's a little unclear how long everything will take.

[gnomesweetgnome]

Jun 2, 2016 11:23:55 GMT -5 ceejay said:

gnomesweetgnome - You guys have a lot going on right now! It seems like J's case is moving very quickly... is that typical in your state?

It is not really typical.  Usually they give the parents 12 months to complete their services, and often they are granted a 6 month extension if they've been working on it but need more time.  FS was originally removed in November, so we're at about 7 months on the case total.  His bio mom is not really mentally or physically able to care for a baby/toddler and is now in a wheel chair on top of her other issues.  Bio dad has never been actively parenting him, and has refused a paternity test (he "knows J is his"), and neither parent has done their court ordered hair strand drug tests which were requested in January or February.  They were cheek swabbed at a visit in March and dad was positive for 3 substances, mom's test was invalid for insufficient saliva.  No other services have been done.  CPS and CASA have been fairly sure from the beginning that reunification would not be possible or favorable for J.  They have done many home studies on fictive kin, none of which have been approved.  It just has a lot of factors that go into the decision, but the CPS worker has been diligent in documenting missed visits, lack of services started/completed, etc., which helps.  Even after the goal is changed it will probably be awhile before the judge decides whether termination is going to take place.  I'm anxious to hear how court goes in June.

J is at a visit with his mom today (not sure if dad is going to be there or not).  She is currently in a rehabilitation facility following whatever incident landed her in the hospital/wheelchair, and that is where the visit is taking place.

[gnomesweetgnome]

Jun 2, 2016 10:58:18 GMT -5 lizblue said:

gnomesweetgnome , I hear you. DD's public school system is 53% AA and 35% White. White people in our township have told me that the township next to us has a school district that is "much better" academically. In reality, it is "much whiter" (85%) and only scores marginally higher academically. I'm happy where we are.

That's a great percentage!  Our new house/school district is only about 7% AA.  The whole area that we live in is fairly diverse, but still not huge populations of minorities.  Some areas south of us are more heavily AA, but they are too far from DH's job and not the community we love.

[redandblue]

lizblue that is great that you guys are being sensitive to your DD's race when considering adding to you family. I can imagine that must have been a difficult decision when approached about another LO.

We had an interesting situation regarding race when we adopted DS2. We were open to a variety of situations and were considered for alternative cultural matches due to DS1 being biracial (our CAS really tries to match children when they can with families that may have same race or similar race role models). So we were matched with DS2 prior to him being born. He is the 3rd child born to his bm, and the agency workers (I think) assumed (it's not clear if they knew or assumed) that because the older two boys were biracial, that M was as well. He is not. We do not have information on BF, but it is pretty clear he is not biracial. So now the questions have actually started for DS1, people now assume he is adopted. We do our best and love our wonderful, blended family! (so for M all of his siblings are biracial and he is not....we maintain a relationship with the two older boys).

Edit for clarity, DS1 is my biological son, from a previous relationship and biracial (Caucasian and AA). DH and I are Caucasian.

[nextchapter24]

Wow some really great updates! Glad everyone is doing well.

I don't have much of an update. We have been waiting 6.5 months now and have had some close calls. I am at the point where I'm getting very frustrated. I know 6.5 months isn't that long to wait but we have been narrowed down. To the final two couples a few times and I am really starting to doubt that we will ever make it past that final round. Our case worker assures me there's nothing more we need to do and it will happen- it's just been hard for me lately to really accept that. So that's it for my update- sorry it was so pessimistic!

[Captain Serious]

Not much adoption-related going on in our lives right now. We decided not to appeal the disability eligibility determination decision for the boys, because we found out that the services that M will most likely need in a few years (Disability waiver) fall under a different definition of "disability" and a different process (we applied for Katie Beckett). We also decided to table the decision about if/when we may foster for a year. We had a lot of change in the last year, and I think our kids could use some time just to breathe without adding any more changes or upsets to the mix.

Otherwise, we are all happy and well. Life is chugging along, and it's shaping up to be a busy summer.

[redandblue]

Jun 6, 2016 13:51:49 GMT -5 nextchapter24 said:

Wow some really great updates! Glad everyone is doing well.

I don't have much of an update. We have been waiting 6.5 months now and have had some close calls. I am at the point where I'm getting very frustrated. I know 6.5 months isn't that long to wait but we have been narrowed down. To the final two couples a few times and I am really starting to doubt that we will ever make it past that final round. Our case worker assures me there's nothing more we need to do and it will happen- it's just been hard for me lately to really accept that. So that's it for my update- sorry it was so pessimistic!

Hugs to you. I know the waiting is treacherous and seems to slow time! I would absolutely agree with your worker, about nothing more you can do. At the risk of sounding absolutely cliche, what is meant to be will be, and once you hold your child for the first time, the wait will seem like nothing.

In the meantime, what have you been doing to keep yourself occupied while you wait? Any awesome trips? Hobbies?

[redandblue]

Captain Serious sometimes the best updates are the ones where nothing needs updating! What are your busy plans for the summer shaping up to be??

[oneslybookworm]

Glad so many of you are doing well, but hugs for those in the middle of the waiting game.

As for us, we're also waiting. It hasn't been that long since our home study was completed, only about a month and a half. We're doing little things here and there to prepare...bought some cloth diapers, I crocheted a baby blanket, we're SLOWLY decorating the room (we have curtains and one thing on the walls), and we bought a car seat. Otherwise, just trying to take it a day at a time. There are days where I feel like we are so early in this journey, and other days where worry it'll never happen for us. Typical fears, I'm sure.

[nextchapter24]

Jun 6, 2016 19:31:15 GMT -5 redandblue said:

Jun 6, 2016 13:51:49 GMT -5 nextchapter24 said:

Wow some really great updates! Glad everyone is doing well.

I don't have much of an update. We have been waiting 6.5 months now and have had some close calls. I am at the point where I'm getting very frustrated. I know 6.5 months isn't that long to wait but we have been narrowed down. To the final two couples a few times and I am really starting to doubt that we will ever make it past that final round. Our case worker assures me there's nothing more we need to do and it will happen- it's just been hard for me lately to really accept that. So that's it for my update- sorry it was so pessimistic!

Hugs to you. I know the waiting is treacherous and seems to slow time! I would absolutely agree with your worker, about nothing more you can do. At the risk of sounding absolutely cliche, what is meant to be will be, and once you hold your child for the first time, the wait will seem like nothing.

In the meantime, what have you been doing to keep yourself occupied while you wait? Any awesome trips? Hobbies?

Thanks for the kind words. I am trying to keep myself busy- I picked everything out for the nursery, decorated it, we have been doing some small projects around the house. I just get really sad/ down sometimes especially when EVERYONE in my life is having babies and we are waiting for ours. We are thinking of planning a trip to Italy however I find myself hoping we will have to cancel it because we got our baby before then. I know I need to keep busy and not obsess over the wait but lately it's been hard.

[pinkie]

Jun 6, 2016 19:31:15 GMT -5 redandblue said:

Jun 6, 2016 13:51:49 GMT -5 nextchapter24 said:

Wow some really great updates! Glad everyone is doing well.

I don't have much of an update. We have been waiting 6.5 months now and have had some close calls. I am at the point where I'm getting very frustrated. I know 6.5 months isn't that long to wait but we have been narrowed down. To the final two couples a few times and I am really starting to doubt that we will ever make it past that final round. Our case worker assures me there's nothing more we need to do and it will happen- it's just been hard for me lately to really accept that. So that's it for my update- sorry it was so pessimistic!

Hugs to you. I know the waiting is treacherous and seems to slow time! I would absolutely agree with your worker, about nothing more you can do. At the risk of sounding absolutely cliche, what is meant to be will be, and once you hold your child for the first time, the wait will seem like nothing.

In the meantime, what have you been doing to keep yourself occupied while you wait? Any awesome trips? Hobbies?

Hugs on the wait. Our first wait became unbearable for me. We did ok for 6 months but then I had real issues with it. I would feel very optimistic you have gotten so close. Even though I know there is no "second place" here, this means you are clicking with expectant parents and it's just a matter of time before the right situation comes along

And I would have never wanted to hear this while waiting but being on the other side of things...you should try to enjoy this time. Everything changes after becoming a parent. Go to the movies, go to dinner at 8 pm, go on a spur of the moment vacation or road trip. just try to enjoy the time. And I would have wanted to hit whoever told me this 4 years ago so I don't blame you for making a face at me

[redandblue]

Big hugs to you nextchapter24 ! I can relate 100%. Although our match for our son to be adopted was pretty quick, it was a very long process for us to be able to expand our family! We tried to get pregnant for 4 years before taking steps towards adoption. I would say I had all the exact same thoughts as you did. We began planning trips, but letting those who we planned them with that we hopefully would have to cancel. Then we stopped planning trips, in hopes it would happen. We also spent a lot of time doing upgrades and home renos, because they needed to be done, but also in preparation. For us, in hindsight, it was great to have the time and all those projects complete. It used to hurt seeing others continuing their lives, with what seemed like such ease, while I felt like we were standing still. I say all this, because I totally understand. Feel free to pm if you ever want to chat. I would say (knowing easier said than done) try to continue living your life, doing all the great things you love. And if possible plan and go on the trips while you wait, and do all the things that will be harder or not able to be done once baby is here. And most of all, be kind to yourself.

[Captain Serious]

Jun 6, 2016 19:32:17 GMT -5 redandblue said:

Captain Serious sometimes the best updates are the ones where nothing needs updating! What are your busy plans for the summer shaping up to be??

Just kids camps, extended school year, work, etc.  Nothing too exciting.

[nextchapter24]

Thank you to those who shared your thoughts and offered encouragement to me! You have no idea ( or maybe you do) how helpful it is talking to others who are going thru or went thru the same things. Don't worry pinkie- I wasn't making any faces lol!

These past few days have been rough. We found out another couple was picked for a situation and again I'm having a hard time. I know I just need to get over it but for some reason lately I've just been angry it hasn't happened. Anyways, thanks everyone for your thoughts and letting me talk it out!

[butlerfan]

Just got an e-mail from our foster care licensing worker (I now have a name!!!!). So she wants to meet the week of 6/27 and wants to know times/days that works for us and she is excited to meet us and sorry for the delay due to staff changes, etc.

At least I have a name and a somewhat date/week of when we are starting the next step of interviews and home study. I mean it is two weeks away and what not (but that means I can maybe finish the rest of the things I want to have done by then...).

[chicago]

Hi All,
Hope everyone is well. I can empathize with those in the wait. We waited about 8 months to match. Short in the grand scheme ... But during the wait it was tough. We were starting to consider other agencies. We had booked an international trip as I thought we were out of the busy season (September birthdays) for expectant mothers. We ended up canceling as we matched with an expectant mother who was due in mid September ... 4 weeks notice. Hang in there!

We are doing well. Baby girl is almost 9months old! Open adoption is going well. We text on a regular basis and have had her and other family members to our house a few times.
Our Adoption Agency had a picnic last weekend. It was nice to hang with other adoptive families.

Next up are a couple of flights with little one ... One domestic & One international. Wish us luck!