Post by snowbigdeal on Jun 12, 2016 15:58:49 GMT -5
Rainbow mentioned
My little girl is 14 months and I'm finally in a mental place where I can imagine trying for another baby. I conceived her just two months after the loss of our son at 33 weeks. The back to back pregnancies were physically really hard, and the newborn stage was also rough, and though h and I always planned on multiple kids, I just felt like I was never going to be ready to try again. But, lo and behold, I think I'm getting there. We'll probably still wait another year, but I can actually imagine it without cringing.
I do think I want to start going to therapy in preparation for ttc. While I was pregnant with dd, I think I had the "lightning won't strike twice" mentality, and it helped me be pretty positive. But I think that the next pregnancy will bring a lot of new anxiety wit it. I want to stay ahead of it so I don't go crazy.
Anyway, that's just some of the stuff I've been processing lately. It's interesting to me how the way my loss impacts me changes over time, and how it extends beyond just the stages of grief.
Post by iheartbroccoli on Jun 12, 2016 21:03:32 GMT -5
Hugs snowbigdeal. Even though you're not TTC yet, I'm glad to hear you are in a better place for whenever you start TTC again. I think therapy is a great idea, and I'm sure it help you prepare for TTC. I love my therapist and am so glad I started therapy.
Grief is such a crazy journey. I feel like every fiber of me was changed when Theo died and is still constantly changing.
Post by iheartbroccoli on Jun 12, 2016 21:24:23 GMT -5
It's been a pretty crappy week.
Wednesday and Thursday were the 6 months mark of Theo's birth and death. Wednesday was SO much harder for me than Thursday for some reason. Still haven't figured that out, maybe because the 6 month mark of his birth should be happy? And I expected the 6 month mark of his death to be hard? I dunno, those were weird days.
We went out of town this weekend with a couple of MH's friends and it was so needed; it was a great break from reality.
***ALL the trigger warnings, major trigger warning!***
On Friday I found out that my good friend's 4-month-old son had coded while in the hospital and they were unsure if he was brain dead. I was, and still am, devastated by that news and just couldn't believe something like this was happening to our friend group again. Today I learned that he's NOT brain dead, but is still on life support and they're still unsure of the extent of the damage. So it's a waiting game. And while I am incredibly relieved to hear that he is doing better than originally expected, part of me is so incredibly sad that he is the miracle baby and mine was not. Not that I want my friend's son to be sick, far from it, but I want BOTH of our babies healthy and to be miracle babies.
Will there be a time when I can hear of someone else's pregnancy/child without comparing them to Theo? I feel so guilty when I think of myself and Theo when I see/hear of pregnant women and children. ******
Post by snowbigdeal on Jun 12, 2016 23:58:05 GMT -5
Hugs iheartbroccoli. I am sure there is a ton of emotional turmoil around what is happening to your friend's baby. I frequently feel straight up jealous of other people's babies, so I get you. It sucks. It is so conflicting to feel that way.
Post by snowbigdeal on Jun 13, 2016 0:00:22 GMT -5
I was just on facebook and saw that my friend's baby just turned 2 today. She was born on my due date. We lived next door to each other and it was hard to see. Anyway, double guilt because I am jealous and because I completely forgot it was Henry's due date today.
Post by littleowl913 on Jun 13, 2016 21:59:27 GMT -5
iheartbroccoli, I totally get it. I posted last month about my hysterical crying at watching the news about a miracle baby that was smaller than my Ronin. Also, one of my best friends was pregnant the same time as me (our due dates were two weeks apart) and when she sent a text announcing her baby's birth I sobbed all night. I couldn't talk to her for months about her baby.
Post by iheartbroccoli on Jun 15, 2016 23:04:53 GMT -5
snowbigdeal So many hugs. Don't feel bad about not remembering his EDD, we all find different dates/facts significant. It doesn't change how much you love Henry.
Sometimes I think our brains let us "forget" things like that to protect us sometimes. Like deep down we know we can't handle it, so we "forget" about it until we can.
littleowl913 Hugs. I so get that. I'm getting updates about my friend's son from another friend. I can talk to the mother about anything not relating to her son, but if I need to find out how her son is doing, I go to a different friend. It's easier to hear coming from someone else for some reason.
Post by heartpresidents on Jun 16, 2016 14:08:40 GMT -5
snowbigdeal, I'm sorry you're feeling guilty, and I understand. But everyone has different dates that are important to them. Please don't forget to be kind to yourself.
iheartbroccoli, I agree about our brains "forgetting" things. I swear, sometimes it's like my brain just will not or cannot process what's happened to our family so it goes back into survival mode and skims over different facts or events.
Monday was the anniversary of the date we got news about our last baby's trisomy. For some reason that date sticks in my brain even more than our TFMR date, a week later, I guess because that's when the world came crashing down. And with what is going on a fellow PAIFer right now who got news that her baby has severe malformations and she will likely TFMR, and also the loss of an IRL friend's baby at 36 weeks last week, I'm reminded more and more that bad shit happens and we have no control. And it makes me feel very sad, lost and helpless.
I didn't do anything on Monday to recognize the date. I'm currently pregnant again after IVF #2, Embryo transfer #4 and had a really hard time bonding with this baby and feeling like I might actually be able to have a take-home baby at the end of this pregnancy, I felt like if I started to focus on it, it might send me down a rabbit hole. And honestly, I don't know what to do to signify the date anyway.
Also, getting ready for Father's Day blows. My Dad died and though it's nice to be able to celebrate DH this year, it also has me down that my Dad won't be here when my daughter is born. At the same time, this is one of my good friend's first Father's Days without her Dad....he passed last year, and she's been calling me needing a lot of support lately. She called on Monday not knowing what the day meant for me and I spent two hours consoling her. I didn't mind doing it, but something felt strange about it. Later, I realized that no one recognized this date or knew what it was but me and DH. It felt again like it did this time last year...like no one cared.
Finally, today I learned I have to go on insulin. I have gestational diabetes and my fasting numbers are still too high. I know this is not the end of the world, but I feel like my body has failed me once again and I'm scared about what this will mean for the baby. I had no idea how much fear I'd have in this pregnancy but it's so profound. Every time I think I'm getting beyond the fear to the excitement the fear comes raging back in.
Post by angelsnight on Jun 17, 2016 0:22:59 GMT -5
**rainbow mentioned**
snowbigdeal,I'm so glad you feel like you might be ready to try in the next year. Trying or not trying is such a personal decision, but it's so nice for your brain to come to a stop on a decision, isn't it?
Since the day my rainbow was born, I've struggled so much with whether or not to have another. I always thought I would have at least two (living children, since I DO have 2 technically)...in a perfect world, another would be nice. But there are just so many factors (my age, many high risk factors, my fears, and just not knowing if I am capable/want to parent more than one kid). Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me, but I think I have also decided, and that's to not try again. But I am happy for you that you feel settled about the decision.
I also got pregnant with my rainbow two months after our loss, and while I wasn't pregnant with my angel for as long as you (22 weeks) I can relate to feeling like I was pregnant forever! The newborn stage with E was also rough...she was a very good baby, I was just SO worried and scared all the time. Anyway, good luck!
Post by angelsnight on Jun 17, 2016 0:26:05 GMT -5
murrt,I had gestational twice, and the second time I was put on insulin very early on (diagnosed at 14 wks, on insulin by 17 wks).
I know the feeling of your body failing...again. I thought I wasn't eating well enough, but my doctor assured me that I was doing everything right but sometimes diet controlled just isn't enough.
I was very upset and freaked out about doing the shots at first, but very quickly I became a pro. Oddly, after E was born, I sometimes missed the routine and everything of testing and doing the shots. If you ever have any questions about it or just need to rant, feel free to hit me up!
Post by angelsnight on Jun 17, 2016 0:36:54 GMT -5
**rainbow mentioned**
This was actually a tough week for me. I haven't had a hard time like this in a while. I miss my angel every day, think about her every day, but this week I have been so emotional. The other night I sobbed for the longest time, just thinking about her and how unfair it is that she didn't get to live her life.
I've also been a bit angry. I'm not sure if the cemetery is under new management or what, but for the first two years or so, the things at the baby's graves were never touched. Sure maybe deflated balloons and dead flowers were cleaned up, but not teddy bears or decorations.
But lately they have been taking everything. I just bought a plastic display case and gave her a new stuffed animal (took one of E's without telling her, oops, hope she doesn't miss it), hoping that if the case keeps the rain and mud off, they'll leave it alone. But I kind of doubt it. I understand that they have rules, but I just wish they could bend them a bit for the baby garden...these things are all we can buy for our kids, ya know? And what the hell is wrong with having a garden spinner at the grave?
*****warning*****story in the news lately******trigger warning*********
I've also been insanely tore up over the story about the little boy in Florida taken by the alligator. I try to stay away from the news because of stories about children, but this one has been plastered on the news, and it's really affected me. Of course we can all relate on some level to what the parents are going through, but the details of this case are just so horrible, I can't even imagine. My rainbow is also 2, and we were just at a Disney Resort a few months ago, so it really hits home for me. I'm so heartbroken for the parents and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have been in tears reading about it, and have felt sick every time I think about it. I pray the little boy didn't suffer too much.
angelsnight, Thank you. I'm not too scared about doing the actual shots because after doing IVF a few times, it's no big deal, it's more of the fact that something else is wrong and it scares me.
I'm sorry you are having a tough time lately. The story in Florida has been incredibly heartbreaking. For most people it's some distant concept but for others that have gone through the trauma of loss, it hits much closer to home.
Hi everyone, I'm so glad to see a check in here. (((hugs)) to everyone who needs them.
AFM- I'm currently in my first IVF cycle. We were almost canceled, on our first monitoring appt, but he agreed to up my medicine and push the little follicles to grow. So, at the next monitoring appt it looked better. The following it looked really good and my RE said my ovaries really rallied
At my ER we were able to get 7 eggs. They were all mature! Even better? THEY ALL FERTILIZED. I couldn't even believe it.
Today I had my day 3 call to tell me how they looked. The embryologist said that 6 were between 7-9 cells, which is where they want them, and we had 1 @ a 6 cell. It all looks good. He said that the 6 cell could very well catch up in growth, and that it was still looking good.
They are calling me again Tuesday to let me know how they look, and if they all look good we will biopsy on day 5+6 and freeze them. If that all happens, we will be looking at a July FET.
I can't help buy be blown away that this is happening for us. That things are looking so well, even in the face of almost being canceled. It's insane. I'm DOR...I shouldn't be having this much luck haha. I think all of my supplements have helped me tremendously.
Kenley is looking out for us. I've been talking to her a lot lately, and asking her for guidance/support. I can't help but feel a little guilty as well. I don't want to move on with my life because I want my girl here...but I know that won't happen. I feel the happiest I've felt in a long long time. That even feels weird to say.
I am trying to focus on each day, and not think about the shit I will have to deal with when/if I get pregnant. If I allow myself to go into that dark zone, I really feel pretty awful- I won't lie. Thinking about her nursery and changing her room and I get anxious.
Post by littleowl913 on Jun 21, 2016 9:15:39 GMT -5
hugs angelsnight - I'm so sorry they're taking away your angel's stuff. I think one of the reasons why we chose to bury Ronin at his cemetery is because all the other baby graves had so many toys, balloons and decorations. I know it's weird to thing to say about a cemetery but it looked bright and happy and that's where I wanted Ronin to be.
Speaking of cemetery, we went to visit Ronin and took our rainbow baby with us. I know he doesn't understand at 8 months old but we explained that this was his big brother's grave and how he's looking out for him from heaven.
Sometimes I'm so conflicted. I miss my angel so much but without going through the pain of his loss, I wouldn't have my rainbow, E. I've struggled with this since becoming PG with E. I feel guilty for missing Ronin and wishing he was here and then I also feel guilty for "moving on" and being happy with E.
Post by shandorfml2 on Jun 21, 2016 11:13:08 GMT -5
Hi everyone, hugs for those who need them. Being a loss mama can be so hard. I agree with the triggers on TV lately...I can't handle news stories about children dying, no matter what age. Brings up my trauma.
A lot of you are talking about TTC, and that's where me and H are at as well. **rainbow mentioned* our rainbow is 15 months, and we've always wanted at least three kids. We started trying for rainbow 2 in Feb. I just got AF after our fourth cycle. My LP is short which has never happened. My PCP is an idiot and said LP is always 14 days. Internet strangers know more than her, and she was a midwife! I called my OB and can't get in until Aug. I am trying to eat better, exercise, take vitamins and am looking at vitex/chaseberry.
I had this urge to hurry up and be done with having babies...I don't know if it's because of my recent birthday (31) or just anxiety. I have the strength emotionally to do it now, so I want it to just happen quick. I also think the trauma of trying to get pregnant for a year and a half after losing DD is on my mind. We also want to adopt, and I think I'm going to look at this seriously.
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13 BFP #2 8/7/14 Rainbow DS born 4/2/15 Started adoption process July 2016 BF#3 8/29/16 DD2 born 4/21/17
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13 BFP #2 8/7/14 Rainbow DS born 4/2/15 Started adoption process July 2016 BF#3 8/29/16 DD2 born 4/21/17
Post by iheartbroccoli on Jun 21, 2016 18:13:08 GMT -5
Sorry I'm late to responding to everyone.
murrt I totally get the feelings of helplessness and lack of control. I grapple with that a lot, and I've had moments of feeling like there is death all around me, what's the point of having another kid? Big hugs. I'm so sorry about your friend's loss. I'm so sorry it felt like no one cared about the anniversary, hugs.
angelsnight Hugs. I'm glad you've made a decision you are comfortable with. It's a tough decision to make. And I'm sorry about the cemetery management--I would be so angry as well. If they remove items like teddy bears, are you able to pick them up in the office?
rslh10 I love that you are talking to her. Take it one day at a time, the nursery can be dealt with later. I still keep Theo's room closed and have only spent a few minutes at a time in his room.
littleowl913 Big hugs, I understand that guilt. We are TTC now. We thought we would be "one and done", and I have a lot of guilt over TTC. I wouldn't be TTC now if Theo hadn't died. And I'm scared to take a HPT because I worry how I'll handle both a BFN and BFP.
shandorfml2 Big hugs. I'm sorry your PCP is so misinformed, that is very frustrating. I hope your OB is able to help you, and fingers crossed there is a cancellation or something and you can get in earlier. That's awesome you are looking into adoption.
Post by angelsnight on Jun 24, 2016 1:28:32 GMT -5
**rainbow mentioned**
littleowl913, I feel the exact same way. I got my BFP with Emily on July 4th, and my EDD for Kayla was July 26th. If Kayla had lived, there is no way Emily would be here. I know if she had lived, we would have been madly in love with her and been happy, but Emily is two now. For two years I've studied her face, soothed her boo boos, made her laugh. I know her personality, I know what she is thinking. I love Kayla and miss her so much, but aside from the short 22 weeks I carried her and the day and a half I held her, I don't know her at all. I wish we hadn't gone through what we did, but thinking about Kayla living, and never having had Emily makes me so sad....and guilty.
I look forward to the day I can see Kayla again, but that means leaving Emily on earth. It's like loving two halves of your heart, knowing it can never be whole at the same time. I know I am so so lucky to have Emily, but the guilt is just hard. Big hugs.
I was going to start a new thread, but I don't think I want to so I will just write it here...
We have been going through IVF and are currently waiting to hear results from our 7 PGS tested embryos. I should be hearing either tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm also waiting for AF to show up so I can start birth control in prep for my FET in July.
I'm having a lot of fucking feels about this all. I'm so nervous. I'm so anxious. I have been pretty excited up until there is "nothing" going on (just in the holding pattern of not moving forward maybe? idk). I have been pretty occupied with the IVF cycle, and have been trying to feel more optimistic about things. But...every time I start to feel ok, something hits me like a ton of bricks.
Lately, it's been the feeling of terror about getting pregnant again. I want another baby, and I know that if we're lucky enough, we might want more than one more-- that being said, how am I going to do this? How am I going to go through every single day knowing that I could in fact lose this baby as well. S/he could die too. I don't think I want to even buy this baby anything. I don't want to make a nursery for this baby (I'm saying all of these things before even getting pregnant. Look at me being so fucking anxious). I just don't want to do anything. I want someone to fucking knock my ass out, and wake me up when my baby is here, healthy and screaming and breathing.
I have a sinking feeling that baby items are going to trigger PTSD feelings for me. I can't even look at the baby section of a store still. I intentionally avoid it, and don't go into target EVER anymore. Fucking target. I know this is super random and a bunch of random feelings but, I know that there is no better place than here to put that information because you all understand.
I went to the store today and bought a picture frame for kenley's picture on my nightstand. I just lost my shit in the aisle. I shouldn't be buying a frame for my dead childs picture. That's not how life is supposed to work. I fucking HATE this.
I don't even know what I want to come from this post...I guess I just really needed to get it off my chest.
I'm getting scared. I'm scared of feeling happy for fear of failure, or guilt even. I'm scared if I feel too guilty while trying that I won't enjoy a pregnancy. I'm scared that the baby will know how I'm feeling. I'm scared that I won't connect with this baby. I don't know. I'm scared of the whole fucking thing.
cardhard (((hugs))) how insensitive of that Doctor. I swear to god some of them are so incredibly smart, yet the dumbest people on earth.
I am so glad E gave you and your family that small gift; What an amazing way to think of it. I know that E is proud of his momma for being so strong. You did everything you could for your son, and he knows that. This is a giant thing I struggled with and still do. I constantly do the what If game and I realized one day that it would probably drive me to insanity if I kept it up. So I stopped, got on medicine and see a therapist now.
Post by heartpresidents on Jul 1, 2016 13:05:11 GMT -5
rslh10, Agreed, this whole f'ing thing just sucks. Every bit of it. My worst was the party store, buying a "Happy Birthday" sign to put at Lincoln's headstone for his 1st birthday. And having to walk past all the birthday hats and high chair decorations. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I should be happily, naively going about life. Instead, I can't even remember the person I used to be who didn't know what loss was. Sorry, your vent somehow actually made me feel a little better, maybe just in the shared emotions, so thought I'd add a little one of my own.
cardhard, I'm so sorry about that stupid doctor! What a jerk! I still get angry at different doctors who have said stupid things. There is one I wish I had written a letter to the hospital about, he made me so mad. Ugh!
heartpresidents, I just scrolled through your blog and noticed you gave your second son Lincoln's name as his middle name. I cried so hard. We are planning to use Kenley's middle name as our next child's name. Thank you for your response. I appreciate all the support, always
heartpresidents, I just scrolled through your blog and noticed you gave your second son Lincoln's name as his middle name. I cried so hard. We are planning to use Kenley's middle name as our next child's name. Thank you for your response. I appreciate all the support, always
Using Kenley's name is a great idea! We almost hesitated, worrying what people would think and whether it would be difficult for us, but then realized we didn't care. We love it. We might even reuse Lincoln's middle name if we have a third.
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