TTMA birth family siblings

[nobb14]

Why, hello there! I know I have been MIA from this board, but could really use some insight from people in my world.





Last night, I was blindsided by a text from our BM that she is pregnant again, due in the fall with a boy. She wants me to send her DS's clothes.

Even with all of my fertility baggage aside, my heart aches over this. I totally knew future siblings were a possibility for DS from his BM, and he already has an older bio sib, but I'm struggling with this because of how close in age this child will be.

We are a transracial family and decided to adopt a different race because we are so pro open adoption. We want him to be proud of his roots... but I have been spiraling really hard about the future questions DS will have now, and potential feelings of inadequacy over having a brother that is barely a year older than him that his BM kept in her care. I knew that her moving forward with her life was inevitable, and I knew that future could involve more kids, but I wasn't expecting it to happen this soon.

MH thinks I'm projecting since DS is still a baby... but I just can't shake my worry about DS's self esteem, even if it is down the road. I want to protect him. I don't want to imply in any way that we plan on hiding this from him at all in any capacity because we won't, but I guess I'm just looking for input on the framework you guys have built for your children in regards to their birth family.

[redandblue]

Well first of all I want to send hugs to you! What a great momma for your first instinct to want to protect your baby. It's totally understandable! I don't have any experience or advice to give as DS2 is only 10 months (whoa 10 months! How did that happen! Lol) and our reality is if BM has another pregnancy, we will be approached to add to our family. I can't imagine how you and YH must be feeling about hearing this news in such a short time following YS birth. I'm sure I would feel very shocked and a little over whelmed by this news. Having followed your journey a bit on here, I think I recall you not always having the easiest time in your relationship with YS BM. The fact that she has shared this news, I'm hoping is good and means perhaps your level of openness has changed maybe. In all honesty I don't understand the request for you to send all of YS clothes to her (I'm sure completely besides the point, but a rather unusual, and IMO inappropriate request). Our situation with regards to birth siblings is different in that DS2 has 2 half siblings that have been adopted by the same family, who live about 4 hrs away. We maintain contact through email or FB. Because DS is so young, we have been taking the lead of the other adoptive family on get togethers, expanations of relationship etc. All I can suggest is that due to your DS being so young with this happening, and him being blessed with a momma who will fight for anything to protect and love him, you have some time to digest this information, talk with BM and YH on how you will explain and support this relationship. Biggest creepy internet hugs to you! I can imagine this is making your head spin. I'm here if you ever want to pm, but please keep us posted, as you feel comfortable, on how this is progressing.

[lizblue]

PDQ because I don't tend to put details of DD's story or her birthparents out there. DD has two older bio siblings. I also spin out a little on how to incorporate this information into DD's story. For now, her birthparents are not responding to us but I do hope they will in the future. If DD could meet them all on a regular basis it might be easier to explain.

But either way, I'd imagine that the idea of your birthparents could parent two of their children, but not the third is a hard concept to accept as an adoptee. But truly, the concept that your birthparents couldn't parent you, is a hard concept, period. Adoption is a complicated and difficult reality to accept and explain (duh, I know.) I will always tell DD the truth and the facts, and then talk to her about her feelings. I will try to minimize my reaction and feelings around it, especially when talking to her. I want her to be able to feel about it anyway that she will, and know that it's safe to come to me with any of it. Also, she will probably accept her story in different ways at different ages. She will realize the information in new ways as she develops.

nobb14, how is your relationship to your son's birthmother now? The way you talk about her still sounds like it may not be great. ("She wants me to send her clothes," vs. "She asked me to..") Do you have plans to see them?


I think that being a transracial family does add another layer to this. Does your son have a lot of racial mirrors in his life? Are there people who look like him everywhere he goes? We live in a pretty diverse area and I think she has a fair amount of mirrors (never enough). But I know that DD connecting to her birth family will have an added layer because she is black, they are black and we are not.

There are no answers, but it's good to keep talking about it.

[nobb14]

Our relationship has definitely gotten better. I think now that DS is older and his happiness and safety are a bit more apparent in our photo updates, it has helped our BM trust us a little bit more. However, and I hate to say this, but because of her intellectual level things get lost in translation: like the example of her wanting clothes for the new baby- she did not ask, she told me to send them- but I think it's because the nuance of asking is above her head. Her brazen approach of communication has taken time to get used to, especially because her contact is almost always over text... but tied with a new pregnancy, it was hard not to get upset at the news.


I realize when going through our placement I was all over the place and totally overwhelmed and hurt by our BM, which played a major role in how our relationship initially played out. It took time to disconnect myself from the situation and see her through DS's eyes. I struggle with this news because, honestly, my first reaction is not to send her any clothes, or even acknowledge the pregnancy because that's just never been the MO of our relationship- it is very much based around DS only, and I want to maintain status quo. But I don't know if that ends up hurting DS in the long run.


I have tried in the past to get information about his extended birth family, to be armed with the info when DS is ready. BM is not interested in sharing. I am torn about, say, down the road asking for pictures of his brother because of the complicated feelings it conjures, or saving pictures she will probably send without being prompted. I totally understand that a lot of this speaks to my own issues, but I go back and fourth in how far I am comfortable in going with our open adoption. Unfortunately, being on different coasts doesn't allow for visits, which I agree would definitely have done a lot of the work for MH and I. I am bummed about this because I think it would benefit everyone.

I'm so torn about the damn clothes. I feel pretty strongly about not giving her DS's hand-me-downs but I can't place why. Maybe I will include a gift card to a baby place in our next update package. I assume she wants clothes because she can't afford to provide much herself.


I appreciate everyone's thoughts. DS does have a diverse Circle surrounding him through MH and I, but I also know that it won't answer the questions he will end up having down the road.

[lizblue]

For me, I try to do the things that will benefit DD the most, and try really hard to stick to that. Me getting along with her birth family and giving DD the most amount of communication, openness and information will help her the most. I'm not a robot, of course this comes with hard emotions, but it's not about me. I signed up for an open adoption because it's the best option for my daughter. I have all the legal power now, and I have to be really careful that I don't use if for my best interests instead of my daughter's. It takes a conscious effort, I think.