Re-intro and question

[PAruby525]

We've only been married since May, and we still struggle with this so I don't really have advice, but I wanted to say welcome, and you aren't alone!!!

[kcones88]

When we got married last year, DD and I had already been living with DH for a year and a half, so nothing really changed after the wedding. We do have small arguments about DD, mostly because we were raised differently and thus have different ideas about how to parent. I think every couple goes through this, but for a blended family there's the added complication on step parents/kids, etc. Things have gotten better in the last few months with DH and I. We always remind each other that we are a team and should work together, not against each other. For example, there are times when I feel he's a little too harsh towards DD, but I've learned to support him so that DD see's that we are a team.

[CurlieWhirlie]

Everything PPs have said. The thing that makes blended family life harder, in my mind, is that parenting a step-child is sometimes like disciplining your kid's friend. It can feel awkward. "That's not my kid!" your brain says. "You're not my mom!" the kid's brain says. So figuring out that relationship, especially in scenarios where there's poor communication between two exes, can take a long time. Ultimately, I want my step sons to feel about me sort of the way they might feel about their best friends' mom. A grownup and a mom to be respected, but not their mom.

I think we as a culture put a lot of pressure on step moms to *love* their step children the same way they love their own children, and that's not realistic. I don't love my steps the way I love my babies, but I do care for them and want them to be safe and successful in their lives.

[CurlieWhirlie]

That's unfortunate. There's a lot of writing out there about this weird "step-mom" fantasy we have in this culture, where we're supposed to be either perfect or "evil". For some reason we don't apply this standard to step dads. Maybe share some articles with your H, to help him understand the unfair pressure he's putting on you? I'll see if I can find some good ones and link them here.

[CurlieWhirlie]

jlhv1909 here's a good article from a few years ago in Psychology Today.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201106/why-its-easier-love-stepfather-stepmother