Am I Crazy? Is It All in My Head?!

[tikoberry99]

I just got into a HUGE argument again with my lovely fiance because he thinks I need to relax and doesn't think we need any medical intervention like IVF to have a kid..it will just happen according to him. I'm infuriated. What I'm hearing him say is that we can't get pregnant because of my brain and my inability to relax. I have anxiety and have been on Xanax XR for over two years now and for the most part it has calmed my anxiety down, but it is not completely gone. I don't think I will ever be cured of my anxiety and I have accepted that. I am a very expect the worst, hope for the best kind of person. I just see realities and don't like to sugar coat them. I would rather be prepared for failure then disappointed by it. 

I just can't believe after over 2 years of trying, 2 years of OPK tracking and testing, 3 rounds of clomid with two IUI's and NOTHING since my last treatment in August and he still thinks it's because I need to relax. For fuck sake read the studies, read the science...there are millions of couples who suffer from infertility and we are fucking one of them....accept it and get off your denial horse! I'm just sitting here crying because I have no one to talk to and he stormed out and said I treat him like shit because I never take his advice. I never listen to anyone, I just make my own decisions and once they are made there is no changing me. I am stubborn, I don't like to be told what to do, but what the fuck does that have to do with infertility. It makes it worst because we are unexplained, so at this point there is no medical issue to "fix." 

I fucking fell down the stairs yesterday and sprained my ankle so I can't do anything, but sit around and ice my fucking leg. I'm so depressed and think I'll spend the day in bed. 

Thanks for listening. Any words of advice would be great. 

[Deleted]

I'm sorry he said that. It's such a shitty thing to hear from people NOT dealing with IF, it's even worse to hear it from someone who should know better.
I will admit that sometimes I forget that MH is dealing with this too. And although he doesn't show it, it still upsets him just as much. So I just let him rage and unload once in a while, and he feels better and moves on. Perhaps that's all your fiancé needed to do? Just be in complete denial, and hopefully get over it and realize that, yes, you guys do need help.

[remylove1011]

Oh tiko! {{HUGS}} First of, I'm sorry you hurt your ankle and I hope it heals quickly. I think fighting like this comes with the territory of IF. MH and I just had a doozie yesterday over something similar. It may just be a "guy" thing, but he is positive the first IUI will work and he doesn't need any treatment for MFI. bluefairy5 wrote a note to me in MFI check-in that I liked. She called it "pull yourself up by your bootstraps magical thinking". I think it's very hard when the diagnosis is unexplained, as like you said, there is nothing to "fix". Do you think it would help him to read a book about all this stuff? I've heard What to Expect When She's Not Expecting is a geat read for men or something you could read together. Sorry it's been such a rough week!

[deelopi9]

:::hugs::: From your siggy it says you are getting married next month. Could he be overwhelmed due to getting married and then adding the pressure from IF? DH and I were in the same boat we TTC 1 1/2 years before the wedding and he was just overwhelmed. He made the same comments your SO made and at first I was so frustrated and angry at his insensitive comments. Then as I kept on asking the same questions you brought up he admitted it was just too much.

[nomnom]

Donuts for you.

[lindseyp2012]

Ugh!! I'm so sorry for all of this (ankle included). Sounds like he's either in denial or doesn't want to do IVF but doesn't know how to tell you. Strange because his contribution to IVF will be the same as IUI (outside of the extra financial expense). You're the one who has to make the extra physical sacrifice and investment.

ETA: No, you are NOT crazy!!

[kaliRN]

The other ladies have phrased it better than I can so I just want to add that I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a ton on your plate and this is the fucking cherry. I totally agree with the thought that maybe he was stressed and just needed to blow up and that maybe things will be better after. All in all, from one lady with Unexplained IF to another- I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I truly wish you the best. Lots of big (((Hugs)))!

Eta: spelling

[daydreamsam]

I'm sorry about your ankle and sorry your fiance is being dumb. For the longest time, we didn't seek medical treatment because DH kept saying stuff like that. Even after two failed medicated TIs and three failed IUIs he would still say, "It it's meant to happen, it will," which would make me irrationally angry. Finally, a friend of his told him that we needed to relax and stop trying so hard and he told his friend that I have a medical diagnosis and that no amount of relaxing was going to help and it certainly wasn't from a lack of trying. It took someone else saying stupid crap to him to get him to really understand and that was very frustrating. Hang in there, he will come around. For some reason it takes longer for guys. ((hugs))

[lemonliz]

I'm so sorry. MH was like this when we first started testing. He thought I was jumping into it and I thought we had been married and having unprotected sex for at least 7 out of the 8 years. How much longer did we need to wait? In our specific case, it helped to have many conversations about reproduction because MH kept saying we needed to "try harder" and I didn't understand WTF he was talking about. You can have all.the.sex and still not get KTFU if you don't have it at the precise right moment AND if there is something wrong.

Plus, there are things they just can't test for. Like egg and sperm quality. Things they don't know until they get to IVF. Undiagnosed is just another way of saying they haven't figured out what the diagnosis is yet.

Anyhow, I hope he comes around!

[dancerspose]

First I wanted to tell you how incredibly sorry I am. I can't imagine how much you must be hurting by all this. (HUGS)! Does your fiance come to any RE appointments with you? I know that DH didn't really grasp the full seriousness of our situation until he heard some things straight from the doctor's mouth. Usually he isn't really a numbers person, but in this case it was necessary. Either way, you have every right to be angry and frustrated with him. I'm so sorry again, good luck.

[snd1231]

I am so sorry. Sometimes our DH's have no idea what we really think and are going through. ((hugs))

[bluefairy5]

Jan 16, 2015 13:11:06 GMT -5 tikoberry99 said:

he still thinks it's because I need to relax.

This may make you guys hate MH, but just for full disclosure, he once told me that my "body wouldn't even be able to sustain a pregnancy" because I was allowing myself to be "too depressed." This was a while ago, and I do not exaggerate when I say it was as close as we've ever come to calling it quits.

I offer that up as an example that it is possible to move forward from such a bone-headed, hurtful stance. Remy's right: I'm a big believer that a lot of this comes from the very deeply American "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" ideals. As far as I can tell, it's the same thing that motivates people who are vaccinated against hepatitis to not get flu shots, because "my body should do the work of fighting the flu off on its own!" if that makes sense as a comparison. It's not medically sound; it's just "self-made man" mentality taken to an extreme, and latched onto when the scary idea comes up that, "Wait a minute. Maybe I'm NOT capable of doing this on my own. WTH does that say about me??"

*takes off armchair psychologist hat*
*puts on helicopter beanie, which is more indicative of what I actually know about any of this*

[bootsorhearts]

Sorry you're dealing with all that. Maybe you just need a TTC break? Sometimes it helps to get your mind off it for a while and come back to it with a fresh perspective. What you both need to answer is 'If you don't pull out all the stops (i.e. IVF) and just 'see what happens' and you never conceive, are you ok with that? Sounds like you are not ok with it, but how does he feel?

[sammae]

I'm sorry you guys are going through such a rough patch with this. This may not be what you want to hear, but maybe he really needs some time to come to terms with things?* Big hugs* and I hope you guys work through this together. It took MH a very long time to deal with this and he's still got his head in the sand a lot of the time.

[sundaybrunch]

I cannot imagine combining the stress that comes with being a month away from your wedding, along with the stress of IF. It totally sucks that things went down like that and he said such hurtful things. I agree with @ketchup that it's really important not to let IF define you or your relationship. Hopefully once you've both cooled off and have had a chance to gain some perspective it really does come down to him being totally overwhelmed with everything that's going on and choosing an inappropriate way to vent. You have a very exciting day coming up quickly. Maybe you can try to focus on your wedding for the next month and resume convos about IVF after? I wish you the best!!

[lindseyp2012]

Jan 16, 2015 13:57:34 GMT -5 bluefairy5 said:

Jan 16, 2015 13:11:06 GMT -5 tikoberry99 said:

he still thinks it's because I need to relax.

This may make you guys hate MH, but just for full disclosure, he once told me that my "body wouldn't even be able to sustain a pregnancy" because I was allowing myself to be "too depressed." This was a while ago, and I do not exaggerate when I say it was as close as we've ever come to calling it quits.

Wow! I'm sorry. I wonder if men (excluding those with serious MFI) will ever get it. This doesn't make them bad people, just people who want to identify a problem they (non medical professionals) can solve.

[k1111k]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  I cannot STAND when people say we all just need to relax and it will happen.  If that was the case, we'd all get KU in our sleep.  So frustrating!  Sorry about your ankle, too...ouch!

[BunnyBerry]

I'm so sorry. Sometimes I wish the men in our lives had nothing to do with the process of getting KU.

Perhaps since you are informed about the appropriate next steps all along the way, he is feeling like you always get "your way" in the process? Maybe print off a stack of relevant studies for him to read and highlight your chances of conception with various paths (from NTNP to IVF etc) and see if that helps wake him up?

Of course, if he's like MH and sees a 0% chance of something as a challenge to hope even more....

[bandm14]

Ahhh I'm so sorry. MH gave me the "you just need to relax" a lot in the beginning, but has gotten better about it now! I like what Bunny said about statistics... I think some men like to think in terms of numbers and logic, and if you can appeal to his logical side through pointing him in the direction of some studies, or even having him talk to your RE, that might be helpful. MH and I just met with a new RE who was very clear about this kind of thing, and it was helpful.

As for you, ((hugs))! Although he may need some time to come around, I hope you are able to take care of yourself in the meantime and try to stay positive. He may just not understand that IF already leaves many of us feeling down about ourselves (I've personally felt like a failure numerous times), so to accuse us of creating our own illness by being "too stressed" is a real knife in the heart.

[tikoberry99]

So I've been gone since the huge fight with the fiance. He ended up leaving at 9:30 am on Friday and didn't come home until 11 pm because he needed time to think. I really thought it was possible it was over, but it wasn't. He came home (he went on a hike and off to the casino to play poker) told me he loved me and that was it. Last year when we started treatments we agreed IVF would be in our future if I wasn't pregnant by July 2015 (I would be 34 at this time) and we have agreed (literally had this conversation while I was writing this) to stick to this date, which gives us 6 months to get healthy, take supplements (maca root, high dose of CoQ10, zinc, vitamin D, prenatal) and focus on being newlyweds after our wedding and fixing up the house. I'm going to go see a new RE in March to get new blood work done since the last time I had my FSH and all that other fun stuff checked was 2013. I may do my own thing with femara (the last RE told me he thought it was more successful than clomid) and a trigger with TI. If my blood work shows issues and possible DOR we will probably push up the IVF.

@ketchup thanks for the recommendation on the book, I ordered it right after I read your post. I asked the fiance yesterday if he would read it and he said he would so I'm excited about that.

Thank you all so much for your support. I pretty much spent the whole day crying on and off and watched depressing documentaries on Netflix (Stuck and Living on One Dollar) and it was so amazing to see all the support during the day. I have no one IRL that I can really call so this board is the only support system I have and I am so grateful for all of you!

[bluefairy5]

I'm really happy to hear you guys had a good talk about it, Tiko.

[fightersince83]

I'm so sorry! Science. It's good shit. Tell your DH to get on board! Guys are "slow" so sorry this is making you feel alone and that he's playing the blame game. I get it, we went through this too. We still do. You just have to stand up for yourself and make your point as best as you can. IF is not d/t stress or anxiety and it seriously pushes my buttons when ppl say or imply that it is. ((Hugs))

[sammae]

Jan 16, 2015 17:14:49 GMT -5 @buttmonkey said:

Oh Tiko, I'm sorry. MH was weird about seeing the RE at first, after 2 fucking years! He would make comments like "well, it's not really 2 years. You have longish cycles and some of those we didn't do it enough." Smack.Face. 

THIS!!! MH - up until LAST MONTH - kept swearing we just weren't having enough sex. No matter how many times I assured him I'd jumped him at least 2 times during 95% of our most fertile days for 3 years.

Also, I love how we're "getting our way" involves stabbing ourselves with drugs that make us hormone-raging-maniacs and having needles inserted through our vaginal walls/catheters inserted through our cervixes. Like, you gotta be fucking kidding me?

[emmuffy]

I'm happy to hear you had a good talk with YH. All the hugs and best wishes. IF is so hard on a marriage. I hope that with time and some good reading, you can both agree on the next steps.

[booklover811]

So happy you and H talked it out and came to an agreement. I really think guys just take a lot longer to process things sometimes.

[ttcbabyj]

Oh Tiko I'm so sorry DH was being so insensitive. I also hope your ankle feels better. I absolutely HATE when people say "just relax." It brings Nikki out real quick...Nikki is my alter ego. She goes from zero to 100 very quick. I always say there were women getting pregnant in Ethiopia during the famine, women getting pregnant as a result of rape, I do doubt if these women were not under extreme STRESS while conceiving....so stress is not birth control. Ugh. This is not all in your head...((hugs))