DS1 has decided he won't sleep in his bedroom anymore. We've put all 3 older kids into one bedroom, and I'm turning the other bedroom into a playroom. No toys in bedrooms any more.
Camping with the inlaws this weekend was okay...it was kind of cold and everyone got sunburns. Somehow I had to work really hard--I feel like when we had one child, it was a bit easier spending time with grandparents, but with 2 kids, they just check out and let DH and I do all the work plus visit with them.
Today is "movie day" so I can unpack and do all our weekend chores since we weren't here, and we might go to the pool tonight. Tomorrow, M has preschool but I haven't really looked at the calendar to try to figure out anything else.
We have beach camping reservations next weekend, but I have to decide if we are going to cancel or keep them. We are tired.
Just doing our summer thing, probably a lot of going to the pool since the weather is forecasted to be hot. I get my stitch fix on Thursday so I am looking forward to that!
Post by creepyeyeball on Aug 1, 2016 10:42:05 GMT -5
I am free today. My MIL has the boys until tomorrow. My mom has the girls. It's just me and the baby. There will be lots of sleeping and binge-watching TV. DH is on his own for the night. The next 24 hours are all about me (well, and the nursing baby).
Post by wineandcake on Aug 1, 2016 10:46:01 GMT -5
It's too hot to do anything, we don't have AC so being home is just as bad as going outside. It's a holiday so everything is closed here as well. H is working today and the next two from 7-7 so I'm on my own with the boys. I'm really just so exhausted and really wish I could take a nice long nap. I'm going to try and get the boys to the pool at some point this week, we haven't been yet and I'm a bit scared to try since I won't have a second adult to help. Thank goodness there's a toddler pool so I can hopefully manage both boys on my own.
Post by colinsfebmommy on Aug 1, 2016 11:09:39 GMT -5
NOthing much this week. We had a crazy busy weekend filled with company. I am already looking forward to this weekend because we have no plans and that is a glorious thing.
Pretty standard summer week for us. Meeting up with a friend for a playdate tomorrow, hitting the park every day besides then, trying to keep these kids entertained between lunch & naps. DH might have to go away one night this week...not looking forward to that if it happens. We're boring.
We are on vacation at our annual church camp, but it hasn't been great so far. It has rained a lot and is just so much work with kids this age.... not relaxing for DH or I at all. Luckily the kids haven't woken each other up for the 2 nights we've been here so far, although DS is pretty restless sometimes and keeps me awake.
DH in general has just been miserable and very hard to deal with. I mentioned before that he's coming off Zoloft and I hope that's the reason for his increased irritability. He's normally a difficult person.... it's how a lot of his family is so their personalities are what he's inherited and seen his whole life. I didn't realize the extent of it until after we were already married. Our kids are at difficult stages which I really think is a major component to his attitudes because he's not handling it well... but then I'm left to deal with difficult kids and a difficult husband.
Before lunch today both kids were melting down, the weather's been crappy, neither of us can really do anything fun because we're always dealing with the kids, and we've already had a couple instances of not knowing where DD is because we think she's with a family member and they think she's with us. DH started packing up the room saying we were leaving. We ended up staying for now, but I know it won't take much for him to decide we're leaving again. He also keeps saying "no more vacations" and apparently his grandpa didn't go on family vacations. The men in his family have the habit of withdrawing from people, even their families. Like I am at the point where I'm wondering why any of them even got married and had kids because they are such loners and are so bothered by people in general and have no tolerance for anything. I am going to give him time to see how he adjusts to being off the Zoloft but if things don't improve in a few months I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sorry to be such a downer. I just don't really have anyone I can talk to about this IRL.
Really busy week here. My mom and I are hosting SIL's baby shower and it's this Saturday so we've been running around trying to get food and cake ordered, decorations picked up, that sort of thing. Work has been crazy. We're still in our busy season and my coworker is leaving for training tomorrow leaving us short a person. Oh and I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Yay!
It's been a big week. I've been absent a lot because we have been on a fab four week family vacation (or well, staying at my family house in the US because like Kleigh926 vacation with kids is hard, and so for us it means having built in baby-sitters and this is the main reason my DH is always THRILLED (really, really) to spend a month with his in-laws (even begged for a longer trip, but that was my limit)).
But today was our first day back to real life. I started a new, and amazing job. The kids are back at day care, and we are trying to get into the routine again.
It's been a long Monday. Have to do it all again tomorrow.
Post by beenandgone on Aug 1, 2016 17:18:10 GMT -5
kleigh926 I just want to hug you so tight! You've jest had a hard row these past few years, and I'm so sorry it doesn't seem to be lessening. I wish I were close enough to come over and take the kids for you sometimes to give you a break.
Post by Meghanfelldown on Aug 1, 2016 17:53:15 GMT -5
Tomorrow we're going to Whistler for the day. It's a ski resort in the winter but I prefer it in the summer. We're going with Nicky's godmother, whose family has a cabin there. So we'll stop at the cabin and have lunch, then carry on to the village. We'll explore the village for a while and then probably just head home. We'd talked about taking the gondola to the top of the mountain, but it's supposed to be cloudy so there's not point in spending $50+ each to go into the clouds.
then Wednesday I'm seeing my oncologist for the results on Saturday's MRI. I'm sure it will be fine, but I'm still a little nervous, I always will be.
kleigh926, I think we are living in parallel universes. Everything you described about your H and his family is the same with my H and his family. Except my H refuses to see anyone about his mental health issues (which, thankfully, have been pretty well at bay lately). He and DS have been butting heads like crazy and it's making me crazy. I sure hope the rest of your trip calms down. Is your H open to hearing you out about his irritability?
kleigh926, you are not a downer. We like that this is a place you can come and vent and discuss how you're feeling. Vacations will be different someday. Right now, perhaps the best is just to look for ways you can be with the kids and be happy, like a moms' group or library or something, and then your H can have his time and you can at least imagine a day in the future when you can have more of your time too.
He is weaning off the Zoloft because he thinks it's causing him to gain weight. Also, I'm not sure it really did him much good to begin with. He's very sensitive to meds and side effects (which is why I think weaning may be messing with him). I do think he has some sort of mental illness but I am not convinced it's only depression. There definitely seems to be something else going on. He has sporadic periods of amnesia where he won't remember events. During these times he is always more unstable, angry, and irritable than normal. He will tell me that he doesn't feel good and sometimes he needs to sleep for a little while to help snap him out of it. These periods of time that he says he doesn't remember have lasted as long as a couple hours, or only a couple minutes. He has occasionally completely zoned out and I need to physically shake him a little bit to snap him out of it if I'm trying to talk to him.
However, he is not very open to treating or discussing it. He doesn't want to be on medication, and he doesn't want to see any other specialists about it. I think he is either in denial about it or doesn't realize how abnormal it is. He did see a counselor for a short time a couple years ago because of a situational issue that was causing major depression and suicidal thoughts- but I don't think he gave it much of a chance and every time I bring up further psychiatric treatment he'll say "I tried that and it didn't work." They aren't very frequent episodes, and only seem to happen when he lets his guard down and/or knows I'm there to handle things- I don't believe it happens at work or when he's alone with the kids. It's very confusing to me, but he knows I'm concerned. And I still wonder if it's effects from the Zoloft because he never did any of this before he was on it. Shortly after starting it he also began randomly talking in his sleep which he never did before. I just don't know with him.
We moved over a week ago so we are still settling in. DH and I got rid of the 30 year old shelves in the closets and installed new wire shelves ALL BY OUTSELVES! It was stressful and there were a few f bombs dropped and 3 trips to Home Depot but we did it! Lol
Since we moved I'm doing daycare drop off and pick up so that's an added stress.
Tomorrow we're going to Whistler for the day. It's a ski resort in the winter but I prefer it in the summer. We're going with Nicky's godmother, whose family has a cabin there. So we'll stop at the cabin and have lunch, then carry on to the village. We'll explore the village for a while and then probably just head home. We'd talked about taking the gondola to the top of the mountain, but it's supposed to be cloudy so there's not point in spending $50+ each to go into the clouds.
then Wednesday I'm seeing my oncologist for the results on Saturday's MRI. I'm sure it will be fine, but I'm still a little nervous, I always will be.
He is weaning off the Zoloft because he thinks it's causing him to gain weight. Also, I'm not sure it really did him much good to begin with. He's very sensitive to meds and side effects (which is why I think weaning may be messing with him). I do think he has some sort of mental illness but I am not convinced it's only depression. There definitely seems to be something else going on. He has sporadic periods of amnesia where he won't remember events. During these times he is always more unstable, angry, and irritable than normal. He will tell me that he doesn't feel good and sometimes he needs to sleep for a little while to help snap him out of it. These periods of time that he says he doesn't remember have lasted as long as a couple hours, or only a couple minutes. He has occasionally completely zoned out and I need to physically shake him a little bit to snap him out of it if I'm trying to talk to him.
However, he is not very open to treating or discussing it. He doesn't want to be on medication, and he doesn't want to see any other specialists about it. I think he is either in denial about it or doesn't realize how abnormal it is. He did see a counselor for a short time a couple years ago because of a situational issue that was causing major depression and suicidal thoughts- but I don't think he gave it much of a chance and every time I bring up further psychiatric treatment he'll say "I tried that and it didn't work." They aren't very frequent episodes, and only seem to happen when he lets his guard down and/or knows I'm there to handle things- I don't believe it happens at work or when he's alone with the kids. It's very confusing to me, but he knows I'm concerned. And I still wonder if it's effects from the Zoloft because he never did any of this before he was on it. Shortly after starting it he also began randomly talking in his sleep which he never did before. I just don't know with him.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I think you already have enough stress.
I tried to think about what I would do in your situation which has been going on for a long time and nothing seems to work or help improve things. And my answer was quick. It may be terrible but I would manipulate the situation. I don't think he realizes the effect his behaviour and inaction (getting help so that he is a productive member of the family) has on YOU. So I don't mean sit down and try to talk about it with him. I mean become a serious fucking drama queen to get the point across. Turn his behaviour back on him and see how he likes it and then point it out when he doesn't. I'm a bit of a yeller bc that's the family I grew up and it sounds like he did too so maybe that's the way to get through to him. Oh and guilt trips galore bc they are super shity but he needs to know the effects of his behaviour on the people that matter most. That's probably terrible advice.
expatmama, OMG how the heck can you guys take a month vacation, sounds amazing, except the in law part LMAO
Spoiled Scandinavian thing, we have the right to 3 weeks in a row paid vacation in the summer but most people take 4 or 5. My totally obnoxious problem is that my new job gives me 6 weeks off and I still have parental leave days saved as we thought we'd use them to take trips (have to use before kids turn 8) now we need a new plan, but I am so grateful for it. Customs always gives DH shit when he comes to the US on a 4 week holiday, wondering about his job.
Kleigh maybe you can remind your husband how important finding a 'good for him' therapist is. That can take so much time and energy when you feel shitty, but can make all the difference. Coming off Zoloft was a bitch, but the work doesn't stop once you have weaned. Hugs to you.
Post by seadragon2013 on Aug 3, 2016 6:44:13 GMT -5
kleigh926, you have so much on your plate right now caring for two kids. I know this is stating the obvious, but it sucks that you are also carrying the burden on your H's untreated mental health issues. Hugs. Feel free to vent here any time.
You already know this, but difficulty or even refusal to seek help is often a sign of depression. You obviously love and care deeply about your H - he may need to hear some harsh words from you about how his behavior is affecting the family to seek further help and you may need to be the one to pick up the phone and make the first appointment for him
I struggle with how to approach DH about his mental health issues because his main problem is anger and irritation. I definitely need to wait for the right place and time to discuss things with him and even then there's no guarantee it will help because his moods change frequently. Right now I am convinced it's the Zoloft because a couple weeks ago he cut down his dose again and it's been terrible ever since. He did just admit to me that he knows he's been very irritable and has a very short fuse. I haven't really come at it from the angle of making me and kids miserable because there's a good chance he'd take that and twist it to mean that he should just leave since I think he's such a horrible person and unhelpful for our family. His thinking can be so irrational. But if things don't improve after he weans from the Zoloft I am going to have to incorporate that in with an emphasis on the fact that I'm sure he doesn't want to continue to live this way and I am at wits end.
There's not much you can do with a person who doesn't want to change though. I don't understand his issue with seeking help. I think he truly believes that he is doomed to misery and he will never be happy, therefore any effort to get better is a waste of time. As far as yelling, I have a big problem with my kids being in an environment like that and I want them to see the difference between me and him. In an effort to reduce tension as much as possible in our house when he's in a bad mood, I either just avoid him or continue to act normally and speak in normal tones so that at least one of us is a stable presence for our kids, and so that my behavior doesn't exacerbate the situation.
If I would make an appointment for him with someone it would probably cause a fight and guaranteed he wouldn't go. In the end, he's an adult and it's up to him to make the choice to be a miserable person that no one wants to be around, or get help. I know that mental illness causes irrationality and affects a person's ability to see things clearly or even be capable of making that decision. But we've had conversations about it, he knows something is wrong. I can't force him to get help. I will say though that I am really sad for myself and my kids. I envy other families with fathers who are so involved and outgoing and happy. I wonder if we will ever get close to that or if my whole life is going to consist of walking on eggshells and trying to manage dealing with him like this. It's something I think and pray about a lot, that's for sure.
I haven't really come at it from the angle of making me and kids miserable because there's a good chance he'd take that and twist it to mean that he should just leave since I think he's such a horrible person and unhelpful for our family. His thinking can be so irrational. But if things don't improve after he weans from the Zoloft I am going to have to incorporate that in with an emphasis on the fact that I'm sure he doesn't want to continue to live this way and I am at wits end.
There's not much you can do with a person who doesn't want to change though. I don't understand his issue with seeking help. I think he truly believes that he is doomed to misery and he will never be happy, therefore any effort to get better is a waste of time. As far as yelling, I have a big problem with my kids being in an environment like that and I want them to see the difference between me and him. In an effort to reduce tension as much as possible in our house when he's in a bad mood, I either just avoid him or continue to act normally and speak in normal tones so that at least one of us is a stable presence for our kids, and so that my behavior doesn't exacerbate the situation.
If I would make an appointment for him with someone it would probably cause a fight and guaranteed he wouldn't go. In the end, he's an adult and it's up to him to make the choice to be a miserable person that no one wants to be around, or get help. I know that mental illness causes irrationality and affects a person's ability to see things clearly or even be capable of making that decision. But we've had conversations about it, he knows something is wrong. I can't force him to get help. I will say though that I am really sad for myself and my kids. I envy other families with fathers who are so involved and outgoing and happy. I wonder if we will ever get close to that or if my whole life is going to consist of walking on eggshells and trying to manage dealing with him like this. It's something I think and pray about a lot, that's for sure.
Again...exactly the same. I swear I was in your exact place six years ago, with an H that was always unhappy, that I couldn't say anything to without him twisting it into an attack on him, and that spent a lot of time in bed or out of the house. I, too, wondered if I was doomed to live with his misery for the rest of my life. His response was always "if you don't like it, leave." Which, obviously, I didn't do and I'm glad I didn't. I did end up going to counseling myself, just to get some help figuring out how to live with him and how I could help him, if at all. My therapist recommended finding a support group for spouses of people with mental health issues, and helped me understand how bipolar disorder and depression work in the brain and the effect it had on my H. So, for example, when he was in a down cycle (depression), it was harder for him to make even simple decisions, and asking him questions just made things worse. So I stopped asking him what he wanted for dinner and just started making the decision myself. Or I would say "I'm getting up to get ice cream if you want some" instead of "do you want ice cream?" It was weird, but it did make a difference. And having someone to talk to really helped me cope as well.
Mine is stubborn and doesn't deal well with even the idea of being told what to do, so if I suggest he do something, he won't do it just because I suggested it. Like, he loves mountain biking, and after he hadn't been for a few weeks and was being extra-cranky, I suggested he go and have some time to himself mountain biking. He didn't go again for two years. Seriously.
You have it extra hard because there are kids involved. My H is much better than he used to be, and I completely attribute it to the bike riding he does to and from the train station every day. He's been in an even better mood since he started training for his relay, but that is at the end of the month and he'll go back to not running after. *Sigh* But if we hadn't had moved before we had kids, he'd still have a very short walking commute and there is no question in my mind that we would be where you are right now. I did take my kids to my parents' house with very little warning once, because he was being so mean to me and miserable in general. It way pissed him off, but we both needed the break. I had to make a decision for myself and do what I thought was best for my kids in that situation, and it was the right choice. I know your parents live nearby, so it's less of a "thing" to go to their house, but could you go for a night or two? Give him the time alone and maybe get a little bit of a change of scenery and a little help for yourself?
I'm here if you ever need to talk. It is not easy being the spouse in these situations; in fact, it's damn hard. But you don't have to do it alone. Save
summer, thank you for your support and insight. I have wondered if DH has bipolar disorder. Some of it seems to fit his symptoms better than only depression. He has even mentioned it before, but still believes that this is just how he is and doesn't seem to think treatment will help. But I'll keep encouraging him to do something about it. And I may take you up on that and PM you sometime. I don't want to talk to anyone IRL because it's a private matter and I don't want to change someone's opinion of him based off of what is probably a mental illness. But it sure is hard
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