WDYT- vacation situation (long)

[kleigh926]

Background story: my family and I have been going to our church camp every summer for the past 20 years. I grew up going there, it's one of my favorite places in the world. DH did not go there except for a few youth retreats when he was a teenager, and during one of them he got violently sick. After we got married I tried to get him to go with me and he did for a couple days but really disliked it. There's a lot of social interaction which he is not fond of and he said he was always bored. Then he started getting involved in the games and activities and had fun for several years in a row. Also of note: the facilities have had problems with bed bugs in the past, but there have not been any reports of them for a few years and they've taken steps to reduce the chances of infestations, like getting mattresses that aren't suitable for them to live in. 

Current issue: the past two years, DD has gotten sick at the end of the week with a stomach virus. There are also usually at least a couple other people who have stomach bugs while we're there. That combined with DH being sick there in the past and the history of bed bugs has him saying he's never going back. He thinks either they have issues with food preparation or that they don't clean the rooms well enough. I attribute the sickness to a large number of people coming in frequent contact with each other, which could happen anywhere. We were pretty sure we were going to take next year off even before she got sick again just because it was very difficult keeping up with our kids both trying to run in opposite directions all the time, and neither one of us really got to enjoy much since it was so much work. However, I can't fathom never going back. I've never personally had any issues there in 20 years and I love it. 

So... knowing both of our experiences and points of view, do you think I'm being unreasonable, he's being unreasonable, or that we just have had different experiences there and we both have valid opinions? And, what do you think about me going for the week with the kids by myself in the future if he still refuses to go? I know it's not optimal for a vacation, but he can be very irrational and avoids social situations regularly. I don't feel that I should have to sacrifice something I love and give up things I want to do just because he chooses to live that way. 

[brachysira]

I think it's reasonable for you to want to return. If no one else is getting sick, maybe DD and DH have some kind of weird allergy to something there? Probably unlikely, but maybe. I think DH may cool off after a year goes by and be more open to it. Plus, with DH in his current state, it's hard to predict how he'll feel about anything in a year. I'd also note that even compared to a few months ago, we have a much better time with the kids not just running off and getting into danger, so you probably will find vacations progressively less difficult until your children start constantly whining about going at all because they don't want to miss out on doing stuff with their friends (which may not even be a problem at this place, with all the social options). I think taking the kids by yourself is an excellent idea as well, especially if you get to the point where your kids are independent or there are others who can help supervise. Maybe you can try another kind of vacation with DH--like a overnight at a hotel and daytime visit to a children's museum or something.

[expatmama]

Being someone who loves to use summer vacation as a way to share things I loved doing as a kid with my own kids, I don't think it is time to give up on this church retreat just yet, but maybe taking a year or two or three until the kids are old enough to really get something out of it as well might make it easier on all of you.

I would try to push DH to come as well in a few years time, only because it would be nice if he could get to a place where you can all enjoy it, but if not take your kids on your own when they are a bit older. But wait.

My kids are now 3 & 6 and while they still are a handful, they do so much better in these group settings and my 6 year old can be pretty independent in that type of environment. And then it could be a nice getaway for all of you.

As for the food, just be prepared and maybe provide some alternative snacks/Food for your husband and DD and hopefully they will be OK. Those things are kind of a given on this kind of a trip in some form or another and could happen anywhere.

[kleigh926]

I also hope he will cool off about it and that he is in a better place mentally by next summer, but there are no guarantees. I would definitely encourage him to go though. And there's no way I could do it on my own by next year, even with my parents there to help. But I am hoping that by the year after I could consider it if DH still refuses.

[creepyeyeball]

I say you're both adults and he has the right to not want to go and you have the right to go and make memories with your kids. Take them and have fun!!

[kleigh926]

Aug 7, 2016 19:37:39 GMT -5 creepyeyeball said:

I say you're both adults and he has the right to not want to go and you have the right to go and make memories with your kids. Take them and have fun!!

Well when you put it that way it sounds so simple Seriously, I over complicate things all the time so I do appreciate your input!

[creepyeyeball]

Aug 8, 2016 6:20:30 GMT -5 kleigh926 said:

Aug 7, 2016 19:37:39 GMT -5 creepyeyeball said:

I say you're both adults and he has the right to not want to go and you have the right to go and make memories with your kids. Take them and have fun!!

Well when you put it that way it sounds so simple Seriously, I over complicate things all the time so I do appreciate your input!

It sounds much simpler than it is though. I can relate. My parents have a campsite about a half hour away. We go there about three times each summer. The kids can swim in the pond and play with cousins and we have a little camper that sleeps us all comfortably - queen bed for me and baby, two fulls that pull out and then twin bunks. But despite all the sleeping space, DH feels claustrophobic in the camper and hates sleeping there. I will spend a three day weekend there with all the kids and he may stop by for a few hours each day.

I used to resent him for it because it is SO MUCH WORK for me to do alone. I have family there and they help sometimes, but it falls all on me to get them all ready for bed each night and prepare meals and make sure no one is drowning and scrubbing sand out of scalps in the shower. Such long days. But I value the memories my kids are making with their cousins. My husband doesn't. He's an adult and can make that choice. It also frees me up to not feel obligated to go to his family functions. Because I allow him to bow out, I can say I'm not feeling up to going places and I have had days of freedom while he chases the herd around his distant family reunions while I relax at home with just one kid.

To save my sanity when I'm camping solo with the kids, I totally lower my standards. I can't do it all alone away from home, so of it means I only brush their teeth before bed instead of twice a day or they only get rinsed off instead of fully showered, so be it. It's camping so they enjoy getting filthy.

[dc2london]

ITA with eyeball. Go, take the kids, have fun.

[Meghanfelldown]

Yep, I say go with the kids and leave DH at home. you can enjoy yourself without worrying whether or not he's miserable and he can have some time alone to recharge.

[beenandgone]

Yep, go and have fun. Forget nightly showers, brush teeth once, and let them sleep with sandy feet if you have to. Your kids will remember doing these things with you forever, and they will be some of their best memories.

Besides, it might do you and your H some good to have scheduled "alone" time away from each other. This is coming from someone who thought she would LOVE spending every waking moment with her spouse... until I actually had to. When he finally got the approval to return to work after his surgery (6 weeks home with no breaks), I was singing from the rafters.

I love my H, and I know he loves me. But honestly, me going to Maine for the funeral was the first time in 5 years where we have been apart for more than just 8 hours at work. We both returned to the relationship renewed and not annoyed with each other. It was wonderful.

You need something to look forward to each year. Especially you, kleigh926. You've had a very hard row to hoe lately, and you deserve some fun and relaxation. I think you should continue to plan on going, but let H stay home. He can enjoy his solace and silence, and you can enjoy camp like you used to--without having to please everyone all the time.

[kleigh926]

I'm so glad that you all think going without him if he doesn't want to go is "acceptable" (not really the right word, but the best one I can come up with). My parents do almost everything together and they are both pretty social, as are most of the married couples in our church. That's what I'm used to being around. DH's parents are the opposite, they are often doing their own things separately, so that's what he's used to. I don't want to go without him, but I do value the memories and time spent with friends more than he does, and I'm not willing to give that up.

At this point, I still think it might be wise to take next year off from any week-long vacations, but maybe we can go for a few days if he agrees to or I can take DD for a day or two since she's older and won't require naps like DS will. After that, I'll take them on my own if I have to. And I won't feel guilty about it

[crimsonandclover]

I would wait another year or two until the kids don't need quite so much supervision, but I totally agree with everyone else. Go without him and it will probably end up being more fun for everyone!

[mishka29]

I think you should go alone once you feel you can and then hopefully DH will be able to join you guys again in the future if he's feeling up to it.

[cinnasugar]

Agreed with what the others said, and also that in a year or two it might be worth it to take one kid and leave the other with DH. Gives each of you some quality time with Each kid. DD is older than your kids, but last year she and I wnt to CA (just the two of us) to visit my brother and it was great bonding time. And she still talks about how fun it was.