Nanny drama

[geners]

Can someone tell me if I'm overreacting/being crazy? So I've posted a bit about our nanny and the various things she's done to drive us crazy, and we've started looking for a new one. Over the weekend, we installed a new monitor, a wi-fi one that we can all view on our phones from anywhere. She knows that with this, we can see what's going on in the nursery. One of the things I wasn't sure I trusted is that she says C takes numerous multiple-hour naps in the crib every day she's here (much longer & more frequent naps than for us - fine, and great actually, if it's true. I just have a hard time buying that he naps for 5.5 hours a day for her and 2-2.5 for us). And, as a result I guess, his diaper is changed less often and he drinks less milk than when he's with me or MH and sleeping less.



Today I pulled the camera up on my phone while at work, and watched C wake up from a nap. He laid in the crib for almost 10 minutes - not crying, fairly calm, starting to fuss only towards the end - and then I see her sit up slowly from a laying down position, so I guess she was sleeping on the floor next to the crib, and finally get up and pick him up. And when she logged the nap in the baby app, she included the extra 10 min he was awake but she wasn't.

A few questions -

1. Is there such a thing as napping TOO much? Since she arrived at 7:30 this morning, he's slept for 3.5 hours (and is asleep at the moment, I guess, but I can see he's not in his crib so not sure where they are). As a result, he's gone 5 hours between diaper changes and only had a couple ounces of milk so far today. Does that seem bad?

2. If you were us - would you be concerned about something like maybe she's slipping him Benadryl or something (am I crazy to think that?).

3. I haven't expressly told her "no sleeping on the job" (I guess I never thought I'd have to?), the one time she was there while I was WFH she did ask me if I minded if she laid down on our bed while he slept, I was kind of surprised but was like, uh okay (and thought she meant just laying down, not sleeping)... and next thing I knew she was asleep (she was snoring!!) and totally missed him waking up and I had to go get him. I know I should have said something then but I told myself that she wouldn't have done that if I wasn't there and maybe it was a one-time thing. My question is, is it unreasonable to want to fire her over sleeping on the job when I haven't expressly told her it was not okay and one time I sort of okayed it one time (at least in her mind, probably) without meaning to?

IDK, just let me know if I'm overreacting about any of this stuff. We are actively searching for a new nanny, I just want to know if we are right to feel upset about some of this stuff.

[obscurereference]

(I feel like I'm stalking you today lol.)

I know you've said some things in the past that have made me side-eye your nanny but I can't remember specifically what they were.

I can see the problem with the naps. It's actually similar to the difference between how me and my H and even my mom handle naps. So for me if I laid down and fell asleep, I would wake immediately to any noise the baby made. My H sleeps through all her noises until she is legitimately fully awake and being quite noisy. Not upset, just talking etc. So he would say she was napping longer than I would because he isn't aware of her being awake until that point. Same with my mom. She basically ignores the little noises, too.

So I don't think I'd worry about the difference in nap lengths too much. I don't think babies can nap too much and wouldn't worry about that unless he starts having weight issues.

Sleeping on the job I'd say maybe clarify your expectations with her. Personally I would feel weird napping at someone's house like that and hell no to in their bed! Maybe suggest some other things she could do? Cleaning toys? Straightening up whatever mess they've made that day? Baby laundry?

Good luck. Sorry this has been such an issue for you guys!

[gdaisy09]

So Broadly, I'm glad to hear you're looking for a new nanny, but you need to make this better for you in the short-term.

perhaps like obscurereference suggested you could leave her with some tasks. "today it would be really great if you could (do a load of laundry, clean up the kitchen, tidy living room...) while C is napping"

I also tend to ignore some of LOs first waking noises, she often stirs a little and the falls back asleep again. but the 5 hours between changes is concerening.


Plus side, hopefully she has helped clarify your expectations for your next nanny.

[cnf2013]

Your nanny is strange and I don't like her, because that's obviously your concern, lol.

I agree with leaving her tasks to do. I'd also let her know that sleeping on the job is unacceptable if that's your stance.

I hope you find a new nanny soon.

[13liza]

I definitely think you need a new nanny over some of the things you've posted in the past. I actually don't hear A when he wakes up from a nap (and I'm not even napping) because he's so quiet- just lays there playing with his blanket or his feet. It would bother me that she sleeps while she's there, but I do know that my sitter will sometimes lay down on the couch (at her house) while A is napping - if he's the only one there that day. I don't mind that because she actually has 2nd shift kiddos too and I know some days can be really hectic for her. Napping on your bed- no way.
I'm not sure she's giving him Benadryl- do you have some in the house and have you noticed it going down quicker? I suppose she could bring it with her, though. A does sleep a little longer at daycare, although I think it's because he's so stimulated by the other kids. Does she play with him a lot while he's awake? He could just be more active with her and then sleeping more. Sometimes I feel like A stays awake more when we're home just because he likes to see us (wishful thinking?).
I think if his naps and not eating as much during the day affect his nighttime sleeping, I would ask her to wake him after a set time. Our sitter will sometimes do that for us for his afternoon nap, depending on how long his morning nap was.
That was long, but overall I think C is fine, but you still need a new nanny just because you don't trust her fully and that's unlikely to get better.

[geners]

Thank you all for the feedback! I realize at this point she's under my skin and everything feels magnified so I'm having a hard time viewing the situation objectively to tell if I'm overreacting. I definitely know an extra 10 min tacked onto a nap isn't a big deal, especially since he was totally calm, it's just when the difference is an extra 2-3 hours of naps on her days, I wonder how often it's happening and for how long. We will talk to her about the sleeping and offer suggestions on what she can do during his naps (she does already do his laundry 1x/week and empty the dishwasher when it's clean) while we continue to look for someone new.

Thanks for listening (reading) my numerous vents on the topic, and offering advice, I really appreciate it!

[expatmama11]

I think the fact you don't trust her is enough to get someone else. I believe in intuition and something is telling you things are off.

Good luck!

[byjove]

Hugs to you! Hope you can find a replacement quickly.

[RoLoMa]

Let me start by saying that if you are uncomfortable or don't trust her, I wouldn't hesitate to find a new nanny. You need to be comfortable with the person taking care of your child.

The next couple of things are probably going to be a bit UO-y but know that I don't mean it to come across mean or judgey.

I think it is probably a little crazy to think that the nanny is drugging your child so she can nap or have him sleep longer for whatever reason. Does it happen, maybe, but very rarely. If she has ever given you reason to think this though, she needs to be gone like yesterday.

Also, and this comes from a place of pure "I'm there", I know you said the other day that you wish you could just stay home. I think this could possibly make it so no matter who is watching him, they will eat crackers for you. I would like to stay home and know this affects the way I look at his daycare. No one does it "right" or "as good" as I would. I have to remind myself that he is safe and well taken care of, even if it isn't by me during those hours. (I'll be even more honest and admit that part of it, for me, is jealousy that he has bonds with someone else)

All of that being said, I really hope you can find something that works and makes you happy. That is the most important!

[geners]

RoLoMa, I agree with everything you said. I know rationally she's not drugging him (I was texting w/ a friend about the situation and she brought it up, otherwise I don't think it would have occurred to me) but it just seems so crazy to me that he naps for 5+ hours a day for her and only 2-3 for everyone else. But there could be a lot of (less crazy) reasons for that. It's just hard to not feel like it's a problem either way... if he's truly getting that much sleep those days I guess he needs it, but he drinks less milk (sometimes only half the amount he does for MH) and has his diaper changed less often as the days he's with us, over the past six weeks or so. It's just weird to me.

I also definitely agree that I will likely have a hard time accepting anyone who isn't me, as his caretaker. I really do just wish I could stay home with him. There have definitely been some warning signs/red flags with her, but I think the bigger issue now is she's under my skin/eating crackers for me and I don't think I can just make that feeling go away.

Thank you for the honest feedback!!

[RoLoMa]

I think, and see no problem with it, that things are never going to work out with your current nanny. I know there was all of the time she was sick, or gone, and add in the fact that you don't feel like you can't trust her. It is clear it is time to part ways with her.

My suggestion when you bring a new nanny in, would be to lay out your expectations very clearly right at the beginning. Things like, if he has slept more than x hours at a time, he needs to be woken up to eat and change his diaper. For instance, I have told daycare that M can't go longer than 4 hours between bottles. Yesterday he fell asleep after snack and before his bottle. He slept for 45 minutes and his teacher woke him up because it was 4 hours since his last bottle. That way you know he isn't going too long without a diaper change or getting food/milk.

Keep in mind, sometimes just a change in routine can really make a difference in nap frequency and length. C may stay awake more around you because he simply wants to be around and interact with you more than his nanny. Also, you are his primary food source

[beaglemom2011]

I'd ask her to change up his naps some if it is affecting his milk intake and your sleep at night. My SIL had this issue with their at-home daycare. They told her that our niece only wanted to sleep all day and was such a great baby, but they were up with her a lot at night and needed to feed her.
My 3 year old can take long naps on his own, but we started to wake him up at times to help us with bedtime routine. Daycare followed our requests on this too. Maybe set max nap time limits for her and say that he needs a diaper change and feeding. I try to make sure feedings happen every 3 hours to ensure fewer wake ups at night with Olivia.
That said, you are free to hire/fire whomever you want based on how you feel with them and your child. Maybe a tentative schedule with activities could help out in this situation. You could always say that you're doing the schedule based on his age now.

[geners]

beaglemom2011, that is part of the problem. He sleeps way better when he gets more milk during the day, we noticed he STTN on Monday after being home with MH and was up a bunch last night looking to eat after being with her and the last couple weeks that we've been paying closer attention, we've noticed that trend. MH talked to her when she got there this morning and described what he does, the loose schedule he follows, the cues he looks for, etc. so we will see how she does with that info today. And I agree RoLoMa, anyone new we bring in will need to know our expectations from the start. I imagine it's tough with our current nanny too given the fact that she's been with C since 3 months and his behaviors & routines have changed so much since then, and we are still trying to figure things out and make changes as we go along.

[13liza]

geners in regards to your last comment about change in routine- I feel like any good sitter should be willing to make changes with the child as they grow. Our daycare has been great about discussing changes to routine with us and even helping us make decisions when we're not sure. I hope you find someone you're more comfortable trusting to help you and your H. It's hard being a parent and I think it's good to have another opinion when you want it.

[Unknown]

If you aren't comfortable with the nanny for any reason you need to find s new one.

My LO naps for 4-5 hrs for me on the weekends but only an hour at daycare, so that is possible. If she's doing things you're not comfortable with and haven't discussed do it. Tell her if you don't want him sleeping so long. Her laying on the floor napping when he does doesn't bother me, if it bothers you tell her.