Building a Relationship with a Birth Mom

[Deleted]

Hello!

I have vague memories of this being discussed on the board a while back and if so, please just direct me there. I don't want to speak too soon, but it looks like we will be soon working towards adopting our two youngest foster sons. Last night we met with their mom and case worker and she asked us what kind of role we'd want her to have in their life. Our state is a closed adoption state so we don't actually have to do anything. But we do want them to know her. We are open to whatever is best for the boys, but we just don't know what that is. We've had them since the baby was 3 weeks old and the toddler was almost 2 1/2. They are now 8 months and almost 3. Their mom has seen them probably 10-15 times (for about 1-2 hrs) since then and the last time was 3 months ago. She is very nice and cares a lot about the boys but she is inconsistent. She flakes on visits and doesn't communicate regularly with the case worker. Right now the boys don't really notice that and are too young to be disappointed if a visit is scheduled and she doesn't show up. And sometimes she goes weeks without contacting the case worker. Everyone agrees that we want to do what is best for the boys. She even said she doesn't want them to call her mom. She says at the very least she wants to receive pictures of them and maybe write letters but we are also open to more than that as long as she is sober. But I also think eventually, the boys will notice the inconsistency and potentially be affected by it. 

tl;dr How have you built relationships with birth parents? What resources are out there to determine what is best for young kids who have a prior relationship to their birth parents? How do you determine what is best for the kids? What books or websites should I be looking at?

[spooko]

Our situation is a bit different in that BM is my sister. However, we had long stretches where she wasn't fit to have a relationship with DS, so I can understand the inconsistency side of things and how hard that is to navigate.

TBH, I've read all the things and consulted all of the people and when it comes down to it, I think if you have it in mind that an open relationship is beneficial to your kids, you can, and will likely have to, go on gut.

It sounds as though she's highly respectful of you guys as parents in the way my sister was/is, so that makes things much easier. Even when she wasn't in a place where she could be a part of DS' life, I kept in contact with her and would at least give her pictures and updates. In terms of her flakiness and falling off the radar, that will be on her to keep in enough contact to receive the updates she desires. If I were you, I'd just start a ziplock of the things you want to give her if she's off-grid and give them to her whenever you next see her.

As is my general policy with small kids, I try not to give any kind of notice to my kids about meet-ups or plans in case they fall through. It just ends up being a welcome surprise if things work out.

We've always been really upfront with DS about his story and it's just a part of him like anything else. As he's gotten older we've discussed some of the reasons why BM couldn't parent or why we may not see her all of the time, but I'm always very careful to temper my honesty with kindness and respect, since he is a part of her, and I appreciate the respect she gives me in return. For example, I had her look over the adoption story book I created for DS to see if she had any changes. It ended up mattering to her that I wrote she "wouldn't" be his parent instead of writing "couldn't." I readily changed it.

Has your BM been offered the opportunity to voluntarily TPR instead of continuing through the whole foster care system? My sister did this and it really simplified things. I think she just needed someone to explicitly tell her that she didn't have to parent just because she gave birth. Like, she needed permission to change her perception of what it means to be a mom from sticking in the kid's life even when that wasn't for the best to actively choosing to have him be cared for by someone who was more capable. It may be worth asking your SW about, in any case.

If you have any inkling that you'll have to go through a full TPR trial, be very clear in your dealings with BM that it doesn't get translated as a bribe or agreement that you'll do X to entice her to sign off. That can be flipped at trial by a good lawyer so I know we had to be careful with BF because of that.

I'm happy to discuss more about how we've navigated DS' relationship with BM (there's none with BF) but I don't want to overwhelm you right off the bat DS is 9, adoption finalized at 4 even though we had him before he turned 1 (visits sporadic through 3yo) FWIW.

[Deleted]

Thanks for this response. That is really helpful. Right now they wouldn't know the difference even if I told them that they would see her. But I think I will definitely just plan on keeping it a "surprise" going forward for as long as that works and she stays flaky. And that is a good idea too to just keep a bag with stuff just ready to give to her as well.

She is kind of weird about the TPR. The hearing is next week and this has all happened really fast already that I'm okay with that. The boys haven't even been in care for a year yet. But she just like, can't bring herself to proactively relinquish her rights. She's come close over the last few months but just mentally can't get her mind around that I guess. It's my understanding that she is not going to contest it though, so it should just be a default judgment after the hearing. It would have made it a lot easier if she relinquished her rights to us specifically, because we are still at risk of some family stepping forward and their interest in taking the boys carries more weight with the state and the judge by statute. So we are just taking that part day by day!

[spooko]

I wonder if your BM is in the same mindset as my sister was. She grew up with a BM who was in and out of her life, negligent, abusive, etc. As a result, she came away with the image of a mom who could be lousy but at least wasn't actively giving up her kids. It took some time and some very specific conversations to reframe what it meant to be a mother before my sister was able to voluntarily TPR. I know it was extremely difficult for her to do it (she even had to sit on the witness stand in court and answer questions/testify), but I have the very utmost respect for her doing so at this point. It erased all the ill will I had harbored about how she had cared for DS in the past.

Even if your BM passively allows an involuntary TPR, it seems as though she's doing her best to put their interests at heart. If it's any consolation about the kids not being directed to you, specifically, that's not even a possibility in our state. They are very clear that the TPR and any subsequent adoption proceedings are unrelated and I remember them stating, for the record, several times that BM would have NO say in where DS went after TPR. And here, family always has priority (this worked in my favor, at least).

What's the situation with BF in your case? Are you in a state where the TPRs need to be simultaneous?

[Deleted]

The BF has not even responded to his own attorney's contact attempts in months. He hasn't shown up to a single hearing. So the hearing is for both of them and if he doesn't show up again, it will be a default termination. And yes how it works in your state sounds similar to ours. I've heard some anecdotes here about a BM conditioning voluntary termination on a kid being placed somewhere specific but I have no idea if in that case it was where they were planning to place them or whether that was how the foster parents told the story (they ended up not being the placement so they were angry). But we know that if some family stepped forward, the state would at the very least have to seriously consider them before placing the kids with us. I don't know at what point they stop trying to find family though. After the termination hearing, we have an additional fostering period before we can petition for adoption. And I think even during that time a family member could come forward.

[spooko]

Well in any case, I hope everything goes smoothly for you guys and be sure to update. I'm invested!

[gnomesweetgnome]

Aug 22, 2016 11:33:00 GMT -5 @helgahufflepuff said:

The BF has not even responded to his own attorney's contact attempts in months. He hasn't shown up to a single hearing. So the hearing is for both of them and if he doesn't show up again, it will be a default termination. And yes how it works in your state sounds similar to ours. I've heard some anecdotes here about a BM conditioning voluntary termination on a kid being placed somewhere specific but I have no idea if in that case it was where they were planning to place them or whether that was how the foster parents told the story (they ended up not being the placement so they were angry). But we know that if some family stepped forward, the state would at the very least have to seriously consider them before placing the kids with us. I don't know at what point they stop trying to find family though. After the termination hearing, we have an additional fostering period before we can petition for adoption. And I think even during that time a family member could come forward.

In our state there is a 30 day waiting period after TPR for parents to appeal the decision (I think this is waived if they relinquish voluntarily, but that may be case-by-case).  There is a concurrent 90 day window for immediate family (grandparent/aunt/uncle/adult sibling only) to come forward and request placement.   In our current case they don't really have any family and so far all the fictive kin people have either passed or won't turn in the info needed for a home study to be conducted, so I would be surprised for anyone to come forward in that time period.  I think you can also waive the 90 day waiting period, but you'd have to be OK with the fact that a family member could contest/overturn the adoption if they were found fit to parent.

Also, not sure how long it's been since BF made any contact with anyone on the case.  In TX they can terminate on abandonment at the 6 month mark of no contact.

[Deleted]

Oh that is interesting info gnomesweetgnome . In our state, if the parent plans to contest the termination, the hearing we have coming up would be a pre trial hearing and then they would conduct a full trial. Since the BF will likely not show up and as far as we know the BM does not plan to contest it, then this hearing serves as the entire proceeding. Abandonment might be their main argument against the BF. I think it's been close to six months since he's responded to anybody official. I hope there is some kind of waiting period here too for family. I think that would help us at least emotionally. Right now we've kind of just steeled ourselves to the idea that a family member might show up out of the woodwork or change their mind right up until an adoption is finalized!