Feeling guilty
Sept 13, 2016 13:34:00 GMT -5
Post by blueinred on Sept 13, 2016 13:34:00 GMT -5
I feel really safe confessing to all of you because you are such a nonjudgmental group of women.
Im feeling very guilty and uncomfortable about my feelings towards the difference in DD and DS's birth experience and early days. DD was a 31 week preemie born via unplanned c/sec , then whisked away to the NICU after I barely saw or touched her. She spent almost 8 weeks in the hospital. A initially she couldn't nurse so I pumped for almost 6 months and, honestly, hated every second of it. She cried constantly due to reflux which wasnt properly diagnosed until 5 months. I also cried regularly the first few months due to PPD, intense sleep deprivation and the reality of caring for a high needs baby vs my fantasy of what being a parent would be. I didn't feel the normal and expected mother child attachment until she was a few months old.
By contrast I had a wonderful birth experience with DS, he nursed immediately and I instantly felt waves of intense love and attachment to him. He continues to be the dream baby I fantasized about during my years of waiting.
I keep telling myself none of the early challenges were in her control as is his easy start in life. Maybe I was being unrealistic DD's adjustment to being a big sister, but it has not gone as easily as I had imagined. Do you think it's possible that somehow she senses my subconscious comparisons.
Thank you for reading my ling post.
Im feeling very guilty and uncomfortable about my feelings towards the difference in DD and DS's birth experience and early days. DD was a 31 week preemie born via unplanned c/sec , then whisked away to the NICU after I barely saw or touched her. She spent almost 8 weeks in the hospital. A initially she couldn't nurse so I pumped for almost 6 months and, honestly, hated every second of it. She cried constantly due to reflux which wasnt properly diagnosed until 5 months. I also cried regularly the first few months due to PPD, intense sleep deprivation and the reality of caring for a high needs baby vs my fantasy of what being a parent would be. I didn't feel the normal and expected mother child attachment until she was a few months old.
By contrast I had a wonderful birth experience with DS, he nursed immediately and I instantly felt waves of intense love and attachment to him. He continues to be the dream baby I fantasized about during my years of waiting.
I keep telling myself none of the early challenges were in her control as is his easy start in life. Maybe I was being unrealistic DD's adjustment to being a big sister, but it has not gone as easily as I had imagined. Do you think it's possible that somehow she senses my subconscious comparisons.
Thank you for reading my ling post.