Having a really hard time

[evenkeeled]

I have another clogged duct and now mastitis. this is the third one in three weeks all in the same spot. I will get it cleared and have a day or two of okay and then it starts again. It is like I can't pump that duct. Because of this and just the added work that pumping causes on everyone we/I have decided to wean. I just can't keep doing this and the doctor doesn't have any ideas on how to stop it from happening. I am in so much pain even on 600mg of ibuprofen, I can't have anything touch it, it hurts so bad my skin feels like it is going to pop open. I have done everything to get it cleared to no avail. I am sitting with moist heat on it right now. I don't know why this is happening. 

So I am on an antibotic and taking sudafed to start drying up. I have been crying since we made this decision. I don't tend to look at the negatives of things and try and look at the silver lining but the whole nursing experience, all the issues, to then having to end like this, just breaks my heart. I feel like it was my one real bonding connection to Emma that no one else could do. I like feeding her fresh breastmilk and while I have a freezer stash I didn't want to end because of something like this. I wanted to gradually wean when I choose to. I know that there are going to be some major positives, like my boobs won't be a major focal point of my life, I want be run by the pump, and can travel without fear and how I was going to pump. But I just can't stop crying. Between that and the amount of pain I am; major tears. I still don't know how we are going to handle nights with her, without fresh milk. Ugh that is another mess. I guess I won't miss pumping at 1am. 

The doctor told me I could drop a pump a day though that sounds crazy fast for me especially with this clogged duct. She said it was fine. I may stretch it over two days. But I have to relieve this pressure, it is brutal. Just touching the underside of my boob takes my breath away. 

My life has been ruled by the clock and the pump for 9 months. I am at a loss on what to do now. 

More tears. 

[gdaisy09]

Hugs to you sweetie. I *think* I remember right that you were an EP mama, that impresses me so much and you've done an absolutely amazing job. mastitis is no joke, sending all the healing vibes your way the thing Emma needs most is a happy health mama, no one but you can do that for her either.

[13liza]

Lots of hugs! You stuck it out far longer than I could. I hope you feel better soon and that you can find some peace with this.

[evenkeeled]

Sept 15, 2016 13:17:26 GMT -5 gdaisy09 said:

Hugs to you sweetie. I *think* I remember right that you were an EP mama, that impresses me so much and you've done an absolutely amazing job. mastitis is no joke, sending all the healing vibes your way the thing Emma needs most is a happy health mama, no one but you can do that for her either.

Yes, the latch was problematic so wasn't able to do it consistently and stopped at 5 months. I have been pumping since day one. 

Thanks you guys. Each clog is more painful than the last. This thing is breath taking. 

[byjove]

Weaning in the best of circumstances is incredibly emotional. I'm sorry to hear that you ended up with mastitis. Be gentle yourself. You did great. A change needed to happen. You are still the only mom she has, and nothing can change that.

[thatgirlrachel]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. You should be very proud that you were able to BF/EP as long as you did. You're a great mom. Take care of yourself.

[beaglemom2011]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with mastitis and weaning when you weren't ready. I agree that it is such an emotional time. I cried often while weaning down at various levels with DS and I'm sure some of it was related to fluctuating hormone levels as well as feeling an end to that special bond. You did awesome going to 9 months!

[COCO]

I had a very similar experience with what myself and my docs thought was a clogged duct. I decided to stop BF/pumping when it got so red, swollen and painful I couldn't hold DS on my right side. Turns out I had a bacterial infection (the way I understood it was bacteria thrived when milk would pool causing my to feel like shit, then I'd drain my breast, pain would subside a bit, then milk would come in and i started the process all over again). The infection was missed in several visits to two OBs over the course of 3 or 4 weeks. They thought I had clogged duct/mastitis and treated accordingly. My issue got so much worse when I weaned. If you're having clogged ducts please dry up slooooowly. And if your clogged duct gets worse keep going back to your doc.

I know it's an emotional time. You are doing a great job. Hugs.

[inthewoods]

So many hugs to you! I'm sorry this hasn't been easy! Way to go making it this far!

[evenkeeled]

Sept 15, 2016 15:31:31 GMT -5 COCO said:

I had a very similar experience with what myself and my docs thought was a clogged duct. I decided to stop BF/pumping when it got so red, swollen and painful I couldn't hold DS on my right side. Turns out I had a bacterial infection (the way I understood it was bacteria thrived when milk would pool causing my to feel like shit, then I'd drain my breast, pain would subside a bit, then milk would come in and i started the process all over again). The infection was missed in several visits to two OBs over the course of 3 or 4 weeks. They thought I had clogged duct/mastitis and treated accordingly. My issue got so much worse when I weaned. If you're having clogged ducts please dry up slooooowly. And if your clogged duct gets worse keep going back to your doc.

I know it's an emotional time. You are doing a great job. Hugs.

Did they put you on antibotic? Your story just scared the crap out of me!I thought mastitis was a bacterial infection?  I am beside myself as of now and I am reading I am in for some pain. My fear, these clogs keep coming back right away. How do I wean slowly when they keep coming back? No one has any answers. I talked to the dr office again, the lactation person at the hospital, to find out how to do this. This is so bad I asked her if she could stick a needle into it to drain it. I would much rather have that then this pain. This is so bad I can't hold Emma on my left side. It is so swollen and painful. 

[kida]

Big ::hugs:: evenkeeled. I'm sorry you are not able to ween under the circumstances you would have liked. It is an amazing feat you have accomplished being able to breastfeed this long. I hope you get some releif soon and the pain eases. You've done wonderfully for your baby and I'm sure you will be able to find a new thing to bond with baby that's just for you two. Maybe bath time? Special story time/cuddles before bed? Hang in there mama.

[COCO]

I am really sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I remember trying to find answers and repeatedly coming up empty. My ob put me on a series of antibiotics for mastitis. After a few weeks he sent me to a doc specializing in breast health. She had me do some test (ultrasound??) and she saw a huge pocket of fluid. Long story short I ended up having the fluid tested (I had incision to drain fluid because I had an egg size lump that was growing rapidly - probably, in part, because I weaned so quickly and thereby giving the bacteria an environment to thrive and bc the bacteria was growing for 2 months at this point)). Turned out the bacteria strain i had was very rare and didn't respond to most antibiotics including the ones I had been prescribed. I felt such relief as soon as incision was made. Meds took care of the bacteria infection. Turned out to be a relatively easy fix once everyone agreed it wasn't a run of the mill clogged duct. Again, I'm really sorry if I scared you. That wasn't my intent.

[geners]

Oh, I'm so sorry you are in such pain and not able to wean the way you would have liked, evenkeeled. That sounds incredibly difficult and I just want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug.I hope it goes as well as something like this can. I'll be thinking of you.

[evenkeeled]

Oh my freaking god, got it out. What a relief. Sorry if tmi but thank goodness for my husband, second one cleared from him doing what Emma hasn't been able to do. It is so beat up and bartered but at least the pressure is out. Gonna take the antibotics in case this has been a lingering infection. I hope to figure out how to stop this from happening and I can slow down the weaning process. I don't want to do it basically a step slower than cold turkey.

At least for tonight I will have relief.

[expatmama11]

So sorry you are having such a tough time. Don't be too hard in yourself though, you have done an amazing job. I hope your issues clear up quickly and you get to feeling better.

[Unknown]

((HUGS)) You have don't fantastic, and never doubt. I hope you feel better soon.

If you are really not ready to let go, have you considered just weaning from the problem side? When I weaned my oldest I went down to only nursing on one side for awhile.

[evenkeeled]

Thank you everyone, this has been very emotional for me. I am going to follow what the lactation consultant's recommendation and drop a few minutes off of each pump, wait a few days between dropping and when down to 5 minutes or less then start dropping pumps waiting three days between each time. I THINK (knocking on wood fervently) that I am seeing a difference with the antibotic kicking in. I feel like since I got the clog from this morning cleared (very early signs of one or just backed up) that the milk is coming out faster than it has in a long time). I suspect that I potentially had an infection for awhile and this is helping clear it.

I am going to also do peppermint capsules, some sage, and altoids to help with this process. It is very sad as enjoyed providing for my baby milk, I do think I need to with these clogs. I have warned my husband that if we have another baby and can nurse to be prepared that I will probably nurse for a few years. I just really enjoy it.

Crap, tearing up again.

[evenkeeled]

Sept 16, 2016 10:47:45 GMT -5 Unknown said:

((HUGS)) You have don't fantastic, and never doubt. I hope you feel better soon.

If you are really not ready to let go, have you considered just weaning from the problem side? When I weaned my oldest I went down to only nursing on one side for awhile.

My mom asked the same thing. My problem is I have been having rapid fire clogs and since I don't know why it is happening or how to prevent it I feel like I need to use other means like peppermint and sage to help with this process. Right now our household is ruled almost as much by pumping as we are my Miss Emma. I am still getting up in the middle of the night to pump as well. 

I don't know, if the antibotics are working and I get down to 1-2 and producing a little bit and we are all happy I think I am going to throw it out to my husband for his thoughts. But right now this has become so hard on us/me and the last three weeks have been extremely stressful. The whole thing has been stressful and it has really caused my feelings of loss over not being able to nurse to be addressed again as well as mourning weaning. Just a whole pile of emotions. 

But definitely an idea if I can get the left side under control. Which is sad as that has been my big guns and my steady eddy. My right was more up and down and harder to work with. Sigh. Well maybe doing that will get them a little closer to the same size, lol

[Unknown]

Sept 16, 2016 13:58:37 GMT -5 evenkeeled said:

Sept 16, 2016 10:47:45 GMT -5 Unknown said:

((HUGS)) You have don't fantastic, and never doubt. I hope you feel better soon.

If you are really not ready to let go, have you considered just weaning from the problem side? When I weaned my oldest I went down to only nursing on one side for awhile.

My mom asked the same thing. My problem is I have been having rapid fire clogs and since I don't know why it is happening or how to prevent it I feel like I need to use other means like peppermint and sage to help with this process. Right now our household is ruled almost as much by pumping as we are my Miss Emma. I am still getting up in the middle of the night to pump as well. 

I don't know, if the antibotics are working and I get down to 1-2 and producing a little bit and we are all happy I think I am going to throw it out to my husband for his thoughts. But right now this has become so hard on us/me and the last three weeks have been extremely stressful. The whole thing has been stressful and it has really caused my feelings of loss over not being able to nurse to be addressed again as well as mourning weaning. Just a whole pile of emotions. 

But definitely an idea if I can get the left side under control. Which is sad as that has been my big guns and my steady eddy. My right was more up and down and harder to work with. Sigh. Well maybe doing that will get them a little closer to the same size, lol

((HUGS)) Be kind to yourself. Weaning at anytime is very emotional plus hormones are at play.

[emmylo413]

Just now seeing this. I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. You should be proud of all you've done and continue to do for your daughter.

[geners]

How are you holding up, evenkeeled?

[evenkeeled]

geners, thank you. Doing okay. I am trying to see the silver lining and am enjoying shorter pump times. I think the gradual drop off is helping me get my emotions around it. Still on antibotics and no new issues which has helped my anxiety. I am seeing how I can work around not having fresh milk and still function with her at night. And also seeing the freedom that it is starting to give me. I have dropped down to 5 pumps since I don't have to worry about my output which has made work easier. Output went up yesterday but I think much lower today. Dropped my time down so now I am at 18 minutes and 22 minutes for my pumps from 28 minutes and 35 minutes. Working down to 5 minutes and then start dropping pumps.

Being at work keeps my emotions at bay. Will see how it is when I am home all day again. Being around her is what makes me feel bad about it.Hoping that has passed. Looking into starting again in therapy to help keep me calibrated.

Thank you.

[geners]

evenkeeled, I am glad you are doing okay, and I hope that continues when you're home with her. I hope you know you have nothing to feel bad about though those feelings are natural. You have given her such a gift and you are an amazing momma to her! Many hugs.

[jesnyc]

Hugs to you. You did such a great job and while it may feel like that is the only thing you can do for her that no one else can, there is one very important thing you are overlooking - being her mom. I ended up in the hospital for 4 days with mastitis with my big guy and ended up not being able to nurse or pump after that. I ended up nursing (and pumping while at work) L for 9 months (I'm weaning now) and I can tell you as a mom who has done both, the most important bonding I have done with both kids has nothing to do with what they ate. You should be very proud of how long you made it and know there are many times ahead of you doing things for your daughter that no one else can just by loving her like no one else does.

[evenkeeled]

Thanks you guys! Making me tear up. 😊