Stupid Stuff People Say When You Mention Adoption

[CurlySu717]

I guess I should have expected this, having experienced all the stupid stuff people say when you mention infertility, but clearly I overestimated some of my fellow human beings...

I met this woman at a book club yesterday, and I couldn't believe what she said to me...

"Can't you just use a surrogate or something?"    Yeah, because that's cheap and easy to do...
"What do you mean there's no way for you and your husband to have a biological child; how is that possible?"    Trust me, lady, it's possible.
"Well, I don't know if I could adopt, I mean, you just don't know what you're getting.  I mean, if you and your husband have a child, you can be reasonably sure of how smart the child is going to be.  But if you adopt..."     Yes, obviously, if you adopt, you're going to get a dumb kid...

What ridiculous things have people said to you, and what do you say in response??

[pinkie]

Holy moly CurlySu717 that's a bad one!!

We really have had all positive comments. We have had a few people push too much (aka digging) with things like where could our older son have possibly gotten such beautiful blue eyes and curly hair from . And once someone pushed a little too hard on there being no way our kids could be brothers (older son has a very olive complexion while our little guy is super pale) where it seemed they were just being annoying and passive aggressively digging at our business.

Anyone we have told generally says how great it is or how lucky we are.

[spooko]

I get occasional negative adoption language, but it's from ignorance and habit rather than maliciousness. I correct and move on. We really haven't had anything major come up that sticks out in my mind. But then again, kid looks just like us so either people don't know his story or they know the whole story and so there isn't much room for commenting.

If I were in your shoes, I probably would have just stared at them incredulously and said OH.

[ceejay]

Whoa, CurlySu717, those are pretty bad!

Like spooko mentioned, I haven't heard too many negative comments on foster care/adoption but the few I can recall come from a place of ignorance.

When we first got our foster sons last fall, one of my coworkers was really excited to see pictures of them on my phone. She hadn't realized or considered that the boys might be a different race than us. So I was showing her some pictures, and she clearly looked surprised to see them (we're white, our foster sons are black). Then she asked "If you get to adopt them someday, won't they know they are adopted?" As if we wouldn't tell them, even if they did look like us?!? I was honestly shocked that there are people today who still think that adoption is usually a secret.

The other ignorant comment was from a different (tactless) coworker who mentioned off hand that I should have some of "my own" kids because I was "young." Um ok. First of all, if we get to adopt these boys, they will very much be "my own." And second, just because I'm relatively young doesn't mean that I can have biological children.

[CurlySu717]

I'm glad you guys haven't had people say horrible things to you!! I guess I read too much online...I have read stories of Caucasian mothers having to deal with racism toward their African-American children, stories of people getting snarky comments when they use WIC to pay for groceries for their foster children, stuff like that. I do better when I'm prepared for stuff like that as I don't think quickly on my feet.

[ceejay]

Sept 20, 2016 11:32:44 GMT -5 CurlySu717 said:

I'm glad you guys haven't had people say horrible things to you!! I guess I read too much online...I have read stories of Caucasian mothers having to deal with racism toward their African-American children, stories of people getting snarky comments when they use WIC to pay for groceries for their foster children, stuff like that. I do better when I'm prepared for stuff like that as I don't think quickly on my feet.

I do feel extremely self conscious every time I use the WIC coupons for our foster sons. So far I haven't gotten any snarky comments, but even after a year of shopping with WIC, I still feel like people are silently judging me. Hopefully they're not and its all in my head!!

[shandorfml2]

As a young teen, my sister and I attended an adoption workshop, and were on a panel (we are both adopted, from different families at birth). Some woman made a comment that she had her kids "the normal way". This greatly upset my sister, who started crying. The lady latter apologized but we both remember this vividly. The people Ive told (only a couple) about our adoption interests have had only good things or neutral, to say.

[kammycow]

I was asked... "don't you think you're too old for another kid? I mean you raised yours already. " I'm 49. No. I'm not too old, but that's my business.

[Deleted]

That is horrible CurlySu717. I don't know what I would do if someone spoke like that to me. Years ago before kids were even on my radar, I had a classmate who said they could never adopt because they wouldn't feel like it was "their own" kid or love it as much as his "own" kid. He already had a few kids so I guess luckily for him it was a nonissue.

With our younger foster sons, everyone ALWAYS asks if their mom was on drugs. Particularly because one of them is a baby. I get a lot of the "don't you want your own kids" too.

Oh and +1 to feeling so awkward using WIC checks for them. The other day I realized that I was using a WIC check while carrying a very nice purse I recently got with a gift card. I thought, oh man I am probably getting judged so hard right now.

[irismorning]

I have gotten a lot of "stupid" questions over the years. I think in part because I am a "single mother by choice". My personal "favorite" was, "what do they call you?" (about my 4 and 2-year-old sons who were adopted). I just looked at her funny and said, "Mom".

I have found that a great reply to most questions is simply "why do you ask?" For some reason, this makes people think twice about what they said and most of the time back off.

[CurlySu717]

irismorning, nice tactic!! I will file that one away for future use for sure

[butlerfan]

We are getting licensed to become foster parents and I get I could never do that. How do you give them back that would be so hard?

Well duh it will be hard but there is a need and we want kids in our lives. We are doing foster to adopt.

[spooko]

Sept 24, 2016 18:56:06 GMT -5 butlerfan said:

We are getting licensed to become foster parents and I get I could never do that. How do you give them back that would be so hard?

Well duh it will be hard but there is a need and we want kids in our lives. We are doing foster to adopt.

You know, I'm really conflicted about this. I've seen others post this when the topic of offensive adoption comments comes up, but I never read this particular comment as negative. Instead, what I see when people say this is that they are actually looking outside the typical "savior" perspective of foster care and are acknowledging and realizing just how difficult of a situation it is and how not everyone is cut out for this path. Nothing upsets me more than the generic message that anyone can be a foster parent and I've seen too many bad situations where the foster parents should have never been placed with kids or are woefully underprepared for what it all entails, etc. Just another perspective...not trying to discount your feelings.

[butlerfan]

Sept 25, 2016 13:53:24 GMT -5 spooko said:

Sept 24, 2016 18:56:06 GMT -5 butlerfan said:

We are getting licensed to become foster parents and I get I could never do that. How do you give them back that would be so hard?

Well duh it will be hard but there is a need and we want kids in our lives. We are doing foster to adopt.

You know, I'm really conflicted about this. I've seen others post this when the topic of offensive adoption comments comes up, but I never read this particular comment as negative. Instead, what I see when people say this is that they are actually looking outside the typical "savior" perspective of foster care and are acknowledging and realizing just how difficult of a situation it is and how not everyone is cut out for this path. Nothing upsets me more than the generic message that anyone can be a foster parent and I've seen too many bad situations where the foster parents should have never been placed with kids or are woefully underprepared for what it all entails, etc. Just another perspective...not trying to discount your feelings.

[brdo]

The problem I have with the statement is people are trying to either think we are "saviors" when we are ordinary people. Or try to make it seems like we won't love the child(ren) at all because we may have to have them reunite with family. I realize not everyone can become a foster parent or would be a good foster parent (just like when some people don't want to have kids for the same reason).

[ceejay]

I hear "I could never do that, it would be too hard" more than anything else when I tell people that we are foster parents. I definitely get that not everyone is cut out to be a foster parent, but I think some people that actually could be good foster parents don't ever consider it because it is "too hard." Yes it is hard to be a foster parent, and it would be very hard to 'give back' kids after you have an attachment with them. But there is a true need for good foster parents, and I feel like some people don't really give it a fair chance or thought because at face value it just seems "too hard."

Does that make sense? I guess it irritates me coming from some people who I know might be able to be good foster parents but they've already discounted it completely as an idea. Lots of things in life are difficult but that doesn't mean they won't also be meaningful and important and rewarding.

[CurlySu717]

As someone considering foster-to-adoption who's working really hard to make sure she goes into it with both eyes and heart wide-open...it must be a very live-in-the-moment thing, right??

I also think of that starfish story, "It made a difference to that [child]"...super-corny but seems to fit...

I have also gotten a lot of people (friends and coworkers) saying things like, "Oh how wonderful, to rescue a child like that," and I've read a lot about the dangers of a "savior" mentality and how that can lead to resentment, so I'm actively trying to correct that as I go...

[CurlySu717]

Uuuugggghhhh, my officemate just informed me that foster care is "the worst" and "most foster kids are abused" and that "foster parents are only in it for the money."

[butlerfan]

Sept 26, 2016 12:45:10 GMT -5 CurlySu717 said:

Uuuugggghhhh, my officemate just informed me that foster care is "the worst" and "most foster kids are abused" and that "foster parents are only in it for the money."

We haven't gotten these very often thank goodness but ugh. TP to them is deserved.

[roxy]

Sept 26, 2016 12:45:10 GMT -5 CurlySu717 said:

Uuuugggghhhh, my officemate just informed me that foster care is "the worst" and "most foster kids are abused" and that "foster parents are only in it for the money."

I would legit have told that person to fuck right off.

[roxy]

I think I've posted this before, but it's been a while. One of my coworkers/friends asked me if I was going to tell my son that he was adopted. I was like probably not. He did start living with us when he was 10 so I'm pretty sure he figured it out on his own. To be fair, she was highly intoxicated at the time. Still makes me LOL.

[Captain Serious]

Sept 25, 2016 13:53:24 GMT -5 spooko said:

Sept 24, 2016 18:56:06 GMT -5 butlerfan said:

We are getting licensed to become foster parents and I get I could never do that. How do you give them back that would be so hard?

Well duh it will be hard but there is a need and we want kids in our lives. We are doing foster to adopt.

You know, I'm really conflicted about this. I've seen others post this when the topic of offensive adoption comments comes up, but I never read this particular comment as negative. Instead, what I see when people say this is that they are actually looking outside the typical "savior" perspective of foster care and are acknowledging and realizing just how difficult of a situation it is and how not everyone is cut out for this path. Nothing upsets me more than the generic message that anyone can be a foster parent and I've seen too many bad situations where the foster parents should have never been placed with kids or are woefully underprepared for what it all entails, etc. Just another perspective...not trying to discount your feelings.

I see both sides of this....

On one hand, it's like people are implying that people who could let children be reunited are cold-hearted.  I actually had a woman tell me that she couldn't foster because she "feels too much" and that it would destroy her to know what the kids went through.  As if that is not the most selfish way of looking at the predicament these kids find themselves in ever.  It makes me heated just thinking about it!

On the other, I wholeheartedly agree with spooko , and have said it a million times.  Adoption/fostering is not for everyone, and it's not only insensitive to presume it is, but downright irresponsible and dangerous.  I could list myriad of examples, but I will spare us all, unless asked....

[Captain Serious]

"He's 7? What's wrong with him?"

"Don't you want children of your own?"

When they found out a child who grew up with our sons was abused, "Maybe the ... family will end up with a girl after all."

ETA:   Sorry if my posts are harsh.  I'm in a really bad place right now.

[ceejay]

@juliagulia that reminds of another one that we heard a few times...

Before we had even started the adoption/foster care process, we had shared with a few friends (who had biological children already) that we were hoping to adopt. The response we heard a few times was "I could never love an adopted child as much as I love my own children." I can understand that this is partially coming from a place of ignorance, and it might be hard to understand adoption if you are not very familiar with it, and I can appreciate that their love for their biological children is very special and strong... but still. There are so many things wrong with that statement.

[redandblue]

Sept 27, 2016 11:33:01 GMT -5 ceejay said:

@juliagulia that reminds of another one that we heard a few times...

Before we had even started the adoption/foster care process, we had shared with a few friends (who had biological children already) that we were hoping to adopt. The response we heard a few times was "I could never love an adopted child as much as I love my own children." I can understand that this is partially coming from a place of ignorance, and it might be hard to understand adoption if you are not very familiar with it, and I can appreciate that their love for their biological children is very special and strong... but still. There are so many things wrong with that statement.

In this same theme, but I didn't take it as an offensive statement, but rather genuine question. Shortly after we brought DS2 home an acquaintance asked how we felt our bonding was going. Was it a super personal question? Yes. But I wasn't offended. She clarified her question by stating she had thought about adoption and it was a question she wondered about. We were the only people 'close' to them that had adopted, so she was curious about it. I felt it was a valid question if you are just starting to explore adoption.

It's funny that I had someone else ask me a similar question about bonding, and I felt it was more intrusive and I didn't feel it came from a genuine place as the example above. I think sometimes the comments/questions are easier to understand when I understand the context in which the person is asking it comes from.

[hippygirl]

Where do I start?

--why didn't his mom want him?
--does he know he's adopted? <~we talk about it but he's a toddler so no probably not right now
--where are his real parents at?

[Captain Serious]

So yesterday, someone asked me if the transition was hard when we bright our kids home. I answered honestly, as I always do, and said that yes, it was very hard for all of us.

She then proceeded to tell me that she only knew one couple well who adopted, and they had a very hard time. But they adopted from Russia, and you know that have a lot of problems over there with "that fetal alcohol stuff."

[Captain Serious]

Why, oh why, does everyone feel the need to know if my sons are brothers?!?

"Well, I'm mother to both of them so, yes. They are brothers.

Oh, you meant are they *biological* brothers. Why would that matter?"

ETA: That's just how I wish I could answer without feeling like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Instead, I usually reply, "No, they are not biologically related," or, if it's someone to whom I'm trying make a point, "They are now!" said brightly with a smile.

[redandblue]

Captain Serious, I hear you on answering slightly different depending on who is asking and what I assume they are trying to say with their question. I'm sure DS2 will get more of these questions as he grows up (in relation to the 'are you brothers?' question), but his family tree comes with many roots that may require extra explanation (should he want to answer). He has 3 brothers, 2 are biological and 1 through adoption, but culturally he is the only Caucasian child of the 4 of them. I just hope that we will always remain open and can help him navigate these questions as they come.