Will this disqualify us?

[bokchoybuffalo]

I have been preparing and planning to become a foster parent for awhile now. I met a guy about a year and a half ago. Recently he asked me to marry him.

However, I'm concerned as he has 3 kids. 2 children from a previous marriage and then 1 from an unexpected situation.

I have no kids. I was previously married and lost my fertility due to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.

I have always wanted to foster. It's something dear to me as my family took in multiple kids when I was a teenager. It would be very heart wrenching if I couldnt.

Any advice or information? I live in New Mexico.

[Captain Serious]

It shouldn't disqualify you, but you will want to consider birth order when fostering. Also, if your fiancé shares custody of any of the children, you may have to show how you plan to promote stability, so that the foster children can feel secure in your home and not like someone's always coming and going.

[Deleted]

Another thing worth considering is an adjustment period for your new family, particularly your fiancé's kids. I know for adoption most states require being married for one year, but I think foster programs are more desperate and may not have that requirement. However, as I'm sure you know from having foster kids in your home growing up, foster care is emotionally difficult and making sure your marriage is strong is vital as you go into this together.

[Captain Serious]

Oct 6, 2016 12:19:24 GMT -5 @helgahufflepuff said:

Another thing worth considering is an adjustment period for your new family, particularly your fiancé's kids. I know for adoption most states require being married for one year, but I think foster programs are more desperate and may not have that requirement. However, as I'm sure you know from having foster kids in your home growing up, foster care is emotionally difficult and making sure your marriage is strong is vital as you go into this together.

Our agency required a year wait from the time anyone entered the family (spouse, child, live-in grandparent, adult child moving home, etc.).

[butlerfan]

Ours I know is based on space requirements for bedrooms, bathrooms, and living space.

I'm sure the PP advice applies as well.

[akafred]

What the others said. It will absolutely not disqualify you, but you may need to wait a little longer until after the wedding by a year or so. Also you will want to apply after you are living in your long-range residence. What I mean is that, say you live in House A and your fiancée lives in House B, and the plan is to move into House B for a little while until you can sell House A and then by House C which will be a little bigger or whatever. You should not apply while you are living in House A or B because they will have to redo the home study which will only delay the process. You may think things will go faster if you apply sooner but that might not be the case in your particular circumstances.

Also, if you aren't opposed to living together, you can speed the process some by living together for a year and getting married after you are approved. Especially if you plan to have a long engagement.

[Captain Serious]

Oct 14, 2016 6:10:41 GMT -5 akafred said:

What the others said. It will absolutely not disqualify you, but you may need to wait a little longer until after the wedding by a year or so. Also you will want to apply after you are living in your long-range residence. What I mean is that, say you live in House A and your fiancée lives in House B, and the plan is to move into House B for a little while until you can sell House A and then by House C which will be a little bigger or whatever. You should not apply while you are living in House A or B because they will have to redo the home study which will only delay the process. You may think things will go faster if you apply sooner but that might not be the case in your particular circumstances.

Also, if you aren't opposed to living together, you can speed the process some by living together for a year and getting married after you are approved. Especially if you plan to have a long engagement.

Fred! I haven't seen you in forever! How are you? How is C? Tell me everything is wonderful!

And please read my hidden updates in the September check-in and below. (Trying to keep things quiet online I fear we're in for a battle) I am all tied up in knots, and could use the sage advice if someone whose adopted through the foster system.

All good thoughts, well wishes, and prayers are also accepted and welcomed.

P.S. sorry to hijack OP

[akafred]

Oct 14, 2016 22:02:04 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

Oct 14, 2016 6:10:41 GMT -5 akafred said:

What the others said. It will absolutely not disqualify you, but you may need to wait a little longer until after the wedding by a year or so. Also you will want to apply after you are living in your long-range residence. What I mean is that, say you live in House A and your fiancée lives in House B, and the plan is to move into House B for a little while until you can sell House A and then by House C which will be a little bigger or whatever. You should not apply while you are living in House A or B because they will have to redo the home study which will only delay the process. You may think things will go faster if you apply sooner but that might not be the case in your particular circumstances.

Also, if you aren't opposed to living together, you can speed the process some by living together for a year and getting married after you are approved. Especially if you plan to have a long engagement.

Fred! I haven't seen you in forever! How are you? How is C? Tell me everything is wonderful!

And please read my hidden updates in the September check-in and below. (Trying to keep things quiet online I fear we're in for a battle) I am all tied up in knots, and could use the sage advice if someone whose adopted through the foster system.

All good thoughts, well wishes, and prayers are also accepted and welcomed.

P.S. sorry to hijack OP

All is well! Charlotte is doing really well overall. She has been dx'd officially with ADHD and anxiety. The anxiety is actually harder on everyone I think, and comes out in such weird ways for her (oppositional, etc). Understanding that has been huge. Our relationship is the best it has ever been and she is just so loving. Her "identity" at school has been formed. She is a mother! She takes all the toddlers under her wing on their first days and they bond to her super quickly. The woman who owns the school and teaches primary had a baby about 2 weeks into the school year last year and came back to work almost immediately, and the teachers all helped care for her, wear her, etc. Charlotte is like a second mama to that girl. And if she is kind of meh, they say something like, "Autumn needs a clean diaper, can you get one!" and it just resets her. She has recently been allowed to carry the baby and it is amazing how this has helped. Of course she is desperate for us to adopt a baby... . We had a situation arise a few months ago with a friend of a friend making an adoption plan but DH really didn't want to. Plus all the other reasons we haven't adopted by now (can't really afford 2 in private school, C's anxiety couldn't deal well with fostering, etc). So, you know, mommy guilt.

My ILs aren't doing so great. My sFIL was dx stage 4 lung cancer over 2 years ago. He was doing pretty well for a long time. The drug he was taking after chemo and another drug didn't work was doing great...until it wasn't. Tumor started growing, and nothing they have tried since has helped, and the latest drug apparently has given him horrible skin lesions all over his back and feet. Meanwhile MIL was dx with a slow growing sarcoma in her leg. It has not spread, thankfully, but she had surgery to cut it out on Tuesday. Unfortunately they did not get it all, so they tried again yesterday. They cut a 7" hole in her calf(!!!) and she was in so much pain she was screaming. And they still didn't get everything, so she is facing radiation and chemo. This was a spot that bothered her for years and no one dx it. Poor thing. They live 3 hours away. Idk what the heck we're collectively going to do. And sFIL can't be near Charlotte because of the risk of infection. And of course I am worried about Charlotte handling all this, especially whenever the end comes for sFIL. He isn't currently on any meds at all because they have to clear up the skin mess first. So I pray otherwise but that may not be super long away.

I saw one of your posts. You had deleted details but I got enough to become furious for that poor girl. I need to read the updates to see what your role will be.

[Captain Serious]

akafred I am so happy to hear that C is doing so well. It's sounds like you've really found a groove. We've also been doing great lately. We're planning to tell the bits about getting involved with the girls case today (just in case we have to jet across the country for a hearing on short notice), and I'm dreading it and how it may rock them.

I'm sorry to hear about your in-laws. It sounds like they are having a really tough time. I hope they find comfort soon.