Can't just "get by" anymore

[venyia]

Hello, everyone.

I was wondering if you folks could give me some insight and encouragement, as I feel overwhelmed and alone, and often scared about it.

I have been dealing with depression in varying intensities for more than half my life, including a long history of attempted medications and once a brief, failed, stint at therapy. I never found an antidepressant that alleviated symptoms without introducing other undesirable side effects. I just struggled through, finding the minimum places to survive life.

Now, at almost 30, with an almost 8 month old daughter, I am finding myself hitting that "stuck, can't even think past the next 5 minutes" place a lot, a lot, and with added financial and relationship stressors on top of caring for my child, I am starting to feel like I am losing it. My fear, and what I am hoping for others to share experience on, is that I am just a lost cause. Therapy and medication failed before, why should I expect them to help now? In my head, I do know I should not give up before I even start, but I can't seem to find the will to try. I just don't want to feel so sad and crazy in my own head anymore. My daughter deserves a mommy who can cope, and who can teach her how to do the same thing when she gets older.

How do you start? How do you break the fear barriers, the financial constraints? I have always just forced myself to meet the basic requirements... but it is not just me anymore. Help, please? Also, if this has been out of line in any way, I do apologize.

[redheadbaker]

I was recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder + premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I was in counseling for my pregnancy loss, and my counselor recommended I see a psychiatrist. I wasn't intending to follow through (I had been on meds before, and they totally tanked my sex drive, and I didn't want that again), but she bugged me about it at every appointment so I finally went.

The psychiatrist was really nice, asked about past meds I tried, and asked a MILLION questions, and chose another, newer (than when I had last tried meds) drug. We met every month for a while, to make sure the meds were (A) helping, and (B) any side effects were minimal. So, when I actually remember to take my meds (I'm HORRIBLE at remembering to take pills), I feel like a normal person.

I didn't really have a "fear" of going. I just ... didn't want to deal with it. I had taken a "head in the sand" approach for so long, I didn't want to change what I was familiar with. I had gotten a recommendation for a psychiatrist that charged on a sliding scale from the pregnancy loss department at the hospital, but I found one that took my insurance.

[numbbears]

Lots of hugs. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You're not alone. I don't have a long history of depression, but I had PPD-PPA for over a year after DS was born. It was awful. My husband has a long history of depression. He stopped his medication a long time ago, but he did get a lot out of therapy. I think the key is finding a therapist that's a good fit for you. It took him a while. I hope you're able to talk to your doctor and find something that works for you.

[butnotthearmadillo]

I can also only say that I am sorry you are depressed. I cannot give much advice on how to deal with depression since I am not dealing well with my own and could have written a lot of what you did.

You are a good mommy. You feel like you cannot cope right now, but you clearly think of your daughter, your future together, and what you can do to make things better.

Is there a family support network in your county/state you could call? You need someone on your side if you are to depressed to organize treatment options and there is no shame in that.

Hugs.

[venyia]

Thank you guys for the responses. I don't have anyone in my real life to talk to at all. My mom would take it all as negativity about my relationship, or just tell me to get over it. My boyfriend has many other things on his plate right now, plus some of my worst anxieties stem from things to do with our relationship, and all I get from him is "Ok" when I manage to speak up at all. None of my friends are close enough to talk to about details of things. I just get lost trying to figure out what is safe to discuss with people.

I almost cried reading your kind words. I guess I need to start with figuring out if my insurance covers any mental health stuff. I don't even have a primary care doctor, just my daughter's pedi who is/was also my OB... ugh, I hate feeling so disorganized. I just never get any time to myself to sort out what I need to do for me. Daughter first, always. Then supporting my BF, who supports our family. Last is me, but there is no time left at the end of the day. The sad refrain of a mom, I guess?

[venyia]

butnotthearmadillo I am not even sure I know what you mean by a family support network. Some kind of hotline or a group meeting? I have no idea, locally. We are really a small town, and I don't know where I would start looking for something like that.

[proudtobeazebra]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I would recommend checking with your insurance to see if you can get set up with a nurse case manager. I started working with one last year when I was in really bad shape. They can call to check in with you once a week, help you set and keep track of appointments, coordinate with your doctor to get prescription refills, and help with transferring records. I found it tremendously helpful, especially when I was so depressed that the idea of trying to schedule a doctor appointment was overwhelming. ((hugs))

[mrsb1008]

Hugs. I don't have much more advice than you have already been given. It's a hard cycle to get out of. I don't have depression except when my panic disorder flairs up. It can be paralyzing. I'm glad you are trying to find a way to get help.

[butnotthearmadillo]

Jan 17, 2015 17:25:35 GMT -5 venyia said:

butnotthearmadillo I am not even sure I know what you mean by a family support network. Some kind of hotline or a group meeting? I have no idea, locally. We are really a small town, and I don't know where I would start looking for something like that.

In my area there is something called Family Network of Northwest CT - sadly their website is not of much use. I could have written a lot of what you did. Since your daughter is less than a year old then you might suffer from post partum depression, independent of your history of depression. Do you have an OB/Gyn you could ask if know of any groups in the area, maybe you can ask? Googling might help you find something regional if not local.

[twinklymama]

Hi venyia, just stopping in to send a creepy internet hug and suggest finding an psychiatrist that will listen to you. You might ask your OB to recommend someone and meet with him or her to see how you feel about their approach to treatment/therapy. Also, it helps to be your own advocate and tell them honestly how you feel when trying out any meds, giving lots of details on side effects and asking them lots of questions. Starting out by thinking of your own goals and how you feel you'd like to be feeling will help you know if the psychiatrist and/or therapist will be a good fit for you. I was lucky and it only took two docs to find the one that fits for me and she lets me decide what I'd like to do, after giving me all of the facts and guidance that she can.

You aren't alone. It can and does get better!

[venyia]

twinklymama, thanks for that. I am having problems even approaching how to get started asking anyone medical for help. I am very easily discouraged. I had made up my mind to ask about possible ppd/ppa at my DD's 6 month visit, but it was such a rushed appt. I barely saw the doc, and no one asked how I was doing, like they had at every appointment before that. At that time, it really reinforced a sense of insignificance, like if my daughter was fine, then I didn't matter, I am just the food bearer and transportation giver. I feel stupid even saying that.

It is strange... if there is a possible issue with my girl, I don't hesitate to call the nurse on duty, but if it is me, I feel burdensome. I am so tired of feeling like I drag everyone else in my life down. I just need to... well, there is a lot I should do. Which is probably why I never do any of it.

[alyssajones]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I also recommend seeing if your insurance covers therapy. Personally it took me finding the right therapist for me before I felt like therapy was working. And I did have to go through several therapists but I love the one I'm seeing now.

And I feel you on it being hard to speak up about mental illness. It's not as if it's something that everyone can see by looking at you. I would call your ob office and start there. Good luck and you can do this.

[twinklymama]

venyia If you aren't able to talk at their appt, maybe a phone call in to ask?

[Deleted]

Hi,
I often get overwhelmed and feel like a burden too. Oh, and not having a moment to yourself because you're caring for your baby - yeah. I know how debilitating it can be. First steps I would take would be to call your OB and just tell her you need help, and call your insurance and ask them what mental health care is covered. You don't have to search around a website yourself, just call the member number on your card and ask them for help. Just start asking, and don't stop until you get the help you need. It will not be a burden to anyone, I promise.
Big hugs. You can do this. A lot of advances have been made in the mental health field in recent years. There is some combination of drugs and/or therapy that can help you. Just keep at it and you will find it.
Good luck. We are here if you need us.

[venyia]

I am planning to make some calls tomorrow. I have an old phone that does not hold a charge, so it makes for an easy excuse not to make "nonessential" calls. But I just have to keep telling myself that this IS essential...

Do you all know what I mean if I mention the daily mask I keep up to interact with the rest of the world? It makes me so tired to hold that sucker up all the time. My life is a little strange compared to traditional methods and choices and families. I hate feeling like I have to defend my frustrations to everyone else because I chose to be here. Do I not get to have bad days and relationship issues that do not automatically make people say gtfo? Nothing in life is so black and white as ideally we might like. I let the mask slip to vent a little bit, but it seems that it was the wrong place and audience to vent to, and I feel just that much more alone and emotionally beaten.

Sorry for being all over the place. I am trying to hold onto the momentum and let go of the negatives, but I am running out of room to bottle it all up all the time.

Thank you to you guys here, for being encouraging and kind.

[numbbears]

Jan 19, 2015 1:48:53 GMT -5 venyia said:

I am planning to make some calls tomorrow. I have an old phone that does not hold a charge, so it makes for an easy excuse not to make "nonessential" calls. But I just have to keep telling myself that this IS essential...

Do you all know what I mean if I mention the daily mask I keep up to interact with the rest of the world? It makes me so tired to hold that sucker up all the time. My life is a little strange compared to traditional methods and choices and families. I hate feeling like I have to defend my frustrations to everyone else because I chose to be here. Do I not get to have bad days and relationship issues that do not automatically make people say gtfo? Nothing in life is so black and white as ideally we might like. I let the mask slip to vent a little bit, but it seems that it was the wrong place and audience to vent to, and I feel just that much more alone and emotionally beaten.

Sorry for being all over the place. I am trying to hold onto the momentum and let go of the negatives, but I am running out of room to bottle it all up all the time.

Thank you to you guys here, for being encouraging and kind.

I'm glad you're making those calls. That's a big first step. I hope it helps.
And venting is good. It's better than bottling up emotions.

[emmaswan]

Big giant hugs to you, I've been there, done that, and fortunately lived to tell about it!

As far as the financial burden...if you have insurance, look into providers your insurance covers. If you work, look into their EAP program, as you can sometimes get a few free sessions. If neither of those exist, many counselors will work on a sliding scale based on your income so you can save money.

It is so important to have a network of supportive people in your life. Some of my darkest days were when my now STBXH and I were fighting, he didn't understand/thought I could just "snap out of it", and I felt too ashamed to talk to anyone about how I felt. Going to therapy was a big, big step for me, and one in the right direction, because it was at least one person I could talk to and get validation for my feelings. It's so easy to just shut the world out and put on a happy face...but reaching out for help is really important.

You can always vent here

[venyia]

So big fail on the phone calls today. Barely made it out of bed, must have caught someone's bug and it knocked me flat. I did do some googling on what my particular insurance covers, and if I am understanding correctly, so long as the provider meets certain educational/licensing requirements, mental health visits appear to be covered. And a quick search revealed practitioners at my current health group in town, including ones accepting new patients. So, the question of "if" just becomes "when".

The support of even one person who can listen without judgment and help me make the adjustments in my life on a personal level... I am not a one-size-fits-all person with a one-answer-fixes-all-issues problem. My BF is actually my most supportive person in my life, but I have issues to wrinkle out that involve him as the problem. He can't help with those! And I reached a point that I can't just talk myself around anymore.

Do those of you who visit therapists feel like they actually care about you? Part of my past failure with therapy involved feeling like just a number to the therapists.

[alyssajones]

Jan 20, 2015 1:48:24 GMT -5 venyia said:

So big fail on the phone calls today. Barely made it out of bed, must have caught someone's bug and it knocked me flat. I did do some googling on what my particular insurance covers, and if I am understanding correctly, so long as the provider meets certain educational/licensing requirements, mental health visits appear to be covered. And a quick search revealed practitioners at my current health group in town, including ones accepting new patients. So, the question of "if" just becomes "when".

The support of even one person who can listen without judgment and help me make the adjustments in my life on a personal level... I am not a one-size-fits-all person with a one-answer-fixes-all-issues problem. My BF is actually my most supportive person in my life, but I have issues to wrinkle out that involve him as the problem. He can't help with those! And I reached a point that I can't just talk myself around anymore.

Do those of you who visit therapists feel like they actually care about you? Part of my past failure with therapy involved feeling like just a number to the therapists.

I've been through several therapists. Some honestly didn't mesh with me. I had one who recommended I seek in patient treatment for an eating disorder because I was watching my diet as a way of injecting control into my life to help with my anxiety. Obviously I felt like she didn't know how to help so I left therapy for awhile. Since then I've had two therapists I felt genuinely cared about me. The therapist I have now is amazing. Personally therapy works better when you have a therapist you mesh with.



And honestly sometimes I feel like I pay my therapist to listen to me rehash the same issues every week. But my therapist never leads on like she's bored listening to the same shit different day. Good luck. And srsly if you don't like a therapist, look for another. You're paying them for a service and you need to feel comfortable. :-)

[emmaswan]

Jan 20, 2015 1:48:24 GMT -5 venyia said:

So big fail on the phone calls today. Barely made it out of bed, must have caught someone's bug and it knocked me flat. I did do some googling on what my particular insurance covers, and if I am understanding correctly, so long as the provider meets certain educational/licensing requirements, mental health visits appear to be covered. And a quick search revealed practitioners at my current health group in town, including ones accepting new patients. So, the question of "if" just becomes "when".

The support of even one person who can listen without judgment and help me make the adjustments in my life on a personal level... I am not a one-size-fits-all person with a one-answer-fixes-all-issues problem. My BF is actually my most supportive person in my life, but I have issues to wrinkle out that involve him as the problem. He can't help with those! And I reached a point that I can't just talk myself around anymore.

Do those of you who visit therapists feel like they actually care about you? Part of my past failure with therapy involved feeling like just a number to the therapists.

I had one like that (who was awful!) but my current therapist, who I have been seeing for years, is wonderful. She's one of the most caring people I know (which I guess she has to be, because she's a therapist!) It can take some trial and error, there are different types of therapy and some bad therapists out there, but when you find a good one, you'll know.

[Deleted]

You might not have made any calls but you made a lot of progress on finding out what your options are!
I have felt like my therapists cared. I've only had one personal therapist, and though I don't feel she's given me as much help as I need(which is why I'm looking for another), I did feel like she cared. I'm also in couples therapy with DH, and I've actually made our therapist tear up describing some of my issues, so if say she cares quite a bit!

[olivegoose]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been there myself, many times. Whenever you feel insignificant, remember your child. You are anything but insignificant to them, you are the world. A quote that helps me a lot when I have a hard time seeking help for myself is "I am the only one who can give my child a happy mother who loves life." I would do anything for my kids, so that helps get me moving (and makes me cry).

If you could get a therapist/counselor to talk to, and a psychiatrist for medication management, then I think it would do you a world of good. In the past I let my regular doctor or OB manage my medications and seeing a psychiatrist/counselor has made a world of difference. It may take a little trial and error before you find the right one for you. I actually prefer group therapy to individual therapy, so that's another option. Hang in there, we are all rooting for you!

[butnotthearmadillo]

You might not have made a call (yet), but you found out who you can call next time you find the energy to do so. Depression makes it so hard to function, especially if most of the effort you make goes towards keeping up appearances as you said. If you had a broken leg, no-one would expect you to walk to the doctor, but making a simple phone call while depressed can seem just about as difficult. I hope things are going ok for you today.

I also wanted to say that I found 8/9 months a quite difficult age for my son (who still does not STTN at 20 months). They are old enough to need more interaction, are much more mobile, still depend on breastmilk and/or formula, likely teething, and I was worried about introducing a variety of solids despite them not being that necessary yet.... but some things will get a bit easier as your daughter keeps growing, giving you more time to get better yourself.

[lulu]

Oh my goodness I just want to give you a cuddle.
Please realise that while you might not have people close by to talk to or find it difficult to explain to your DH or parents about how you feel, we are here for you and while I can't speak for anyone else - I know exactly what you are going through and exactly how hard/lonely things can seem sometimes.

You are certainly not a lost cause - just because one therapist didn't work, doesn't mean another won't. Therapists are like friends....some are crap, some are great. You just have to find a great fit. Just like medication.

Things not working isn't a reflection on you or the extent of your depression, it's a reflection on your therapist/medication ok?

Also - I don't know you, but it seems to me like you are an amazing mum. You have recognised you have a problem and you have been brave and strong enough to ask for help. You have been tough enough to find and speak to a therapist - that takes a huge strength in my opinion and you have posted on here to find advice/support. All of these things show that you are fighting to get strong and well again....you are being the best mum you can be to your wee one!

Being a mum is all about being there for your child (anything after that is a bonus ha ha) and you are doing everything you can to get well and to be strong for your baby.....that sounds like a great mum to me!!

It's so so hard, I know it is, but keep fighting and you will def get there. Good luck x

[cruelsound]

Thirty six years on this planet, with three kids and an awesome husband, I finally got myself into therapy and a psychiatrist. You go through life pushing through the fog and the sadness and the bullshit, and that's ok because you just need to worry about you. But here's the thing, that's not the case anymore, you've created a new little person who needs you to be healthy, happy and comfortable. I finally admitted I needed help when my oldest was a few months old, started on Prozac and was just fine until my youngest was born. I've spent the last 5 months fighting with myself, pretending like THISISOKBECAUSEITSNORMAL and hearning my husband tell my oldest two that "Mommy is just crying/sleeping/etc because she doesn't feel well" when I just couldn't fight anymore and had to take a break. Not only could I not live like that anymore, I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking it was normal and I couldn't allow my husband to pick up the slack anymore. I made the calls and it was SO HARD going into the first appointments, but I'm committed.

You're going to need that moment too. The one when you realize that this bullshit does not have to be your normal. Whatever happened in the past were not failures, they were learning experiences. And this is a lifelong thing we will have to deal with and there is no one answer. The meds I'm on now might only work for a short time but, you know what? That's not because they failed. What is failing is if I throw in the towel and allow the issues to eat me alive and rob me of a good life with my family.

[2kiddos]

Jan 16, 2015 19:00:08 GMT -5 venyia said:

Hello, everyone.

I was wondering if you folks could give me some insight and encouragement, as I feel overwhelmed and alone, and often scared about it.

I have been dealing with depression in varying intensities for more than half my life, including a long history of attempted medications and once a brief, failed, stint at therapy. I never found an antidepressant that alleviated symptoms without introducing other undesirable side effects. I just struggled through, finding the minimum places to survive life.

Now, at almost 30, with an almost 8 month old daughter, I am finding myself hitting that "stuck, can't even think past the next 5 minutes" place a lot, a lot, and with added financial and relationship stressors on top of caring for my child, I am starting to feel like I am losing it. My fear, and what I am hoping for others to share experience on, is that I am just a lost cause. Therapy and medication failed before, why should I expect them to help now? In my head, I do know I should not give up before I even start, but I can't seem to find the will to try. I just don't want to feel so sad and crazy in my own head anymore. My daughter deserves a mommy who can cope, and who can teach her how to do the same thing when she gets older.

How do you start? How do you break the fear barriers, the financial constraints? I have always just forced myself to meet the basic requirements... but it is not just me anymore. Help, please? Also, if this has been out of line in any way, I do apologize.

I went through the same thing. After a couple years of counting down the hours until I get to go to bed, I felt like I was a terrible wife and mother. Then I found a new dr which I really love. He recommended something I've never taken (in a different class of meds) and it really works for me! I've come to believe ( as dr put it) some people have diabetes and some people have clinical depression. It's an illness even though you can't "see it ". That helped me a lot in recognizing i have an illness and I will most likely always have it. I'll also most likely will always need meds. But I plan on changing diet and exercising ( someday lol) to see how that helps. But with two young kids and working full time it's hard to find time and energy. I'd say reach out to new drs till you find one who has different ideas on helping. Finding a good dr for you is really the key, please don't stop trying, I'm sure there is a method to help you. It can take awhile to figure it out though.

[venyia]

I had it out over some of the "boyfriend issues" last week with him. It was like a pressure release... helped a bit. He really is my biggest supporter.

So why is venting about his less um... helpful habits in a venting thread make me seem like such a whackjob? Don't we all get cranky in some moments about specific things and just want to let off steam? Sometimes I wonder if I even speak the same English as everyone else. It is hard to get shot down in a way that makes me feel more crazy.

Thanks everyone, for all your stories and thoughts. You are helping me realize that this CAN be improved.

[icequeen]

Honey, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know how you feel, honestly. I haven't been diagnosed with depression but the feelings of despair are too familiar. It has taken many MANY years for me to be willing to accept help and I have seen countless therapists, dietitians, psychiatrists, social workers. I say this not to discourage you, but to emphasize how important it is to reach out for help, like you are doing to us. Have you talked to your husband and family how you can manage your budget to help you afford the care you need and deserve? I too had a breakdown in the car this morning and cried to MH for half an hour about the expenses. But you also have to realize that you cannot put a price on your health, and it is better to tackle this sooner rather than later, when you may need even more intensive/expensive care. You can do it, and find something that works for you. I believe in you, and your baby believes in you too. BIG HUGS.

[Deleted]

When I first moved out of the city I developed severe agoraphobia issues. MH would literally drag me kicking and screaming outside so I could get fresh air. It was horrible and helpful all at once. When i started my new job I had trouble getting to work on time because I hated leaving the house. I still have trouble leaving the house some weekends so I force myself to atleast get the mail.

Where im going with this is that -It may take you a while to call but the fact that you WANT to make the call is a huge step. You will get there. I think it's great that you are motivated by your daughter. It helps when you have a goal to work towards.
You might do well with a practioner who focuses on a more holistic approach (diet and exercise in conjunction with medication). I've worked with both MDs and NPPs. The NPPs seem to take a softer approach to treatment. I meet with mine monthly for a medication management/therapy session.
I also loved my psych but moved out of the area.

[kmc2]

Venyia, just want you to know you're not alone in feeling like you do and I'm here to talk to if you need me.