Friend with IF struggles - how to help and feeling guilty

[emilie]

So I have a very good friend who has been dealing with IF issues for several years.  When we were both going through IF treatment, we were seeing the same RE - we would commiserate and update each other with our progress and talk about our RE and the nurses at the clinic and everything.  

And then I got pregnant and she did not.  Easily the hardest part of my pregnancy was having to tell her.  I held out until 6 weeks and then she already knew, because I hadn't updated her on how my betas went on my successful cycle.  She has been more than supportive throughout my pregnancy and even helped to throw my baby shower because she is one of the sweetest and best people I know.

But now after multiple cycles and multiple losses and lots of bad news she is now at an impasse where they are taking a break to figure out what is next and she is just devastated.  And I am here with my 3rd tri belly feeling really guilty even being around her.  She is still confiding in me but I just feel so, so bad and I wish so much there was something I could do.

When I was going through IF treatment I always felt weird and sad and conflicted around my pregnant friends, but all of them had gotten pregnant easily and did not know about my IF.  It's not easy for me to look back and say what would have been a good thing for them to have done for me if they had known.  Does anyone have any suggestions as to something nice and supportive I can do for my friend and her H that won't come off as "hey, I'm pregnant and feeling guilty about it!"? I don't just want to send her treats because she might still be doing IF diet stuff.

Thanks in advance for any advice.
 

[teachermomtobe]

The fact that she is still confiding in you means she still trusts you and still wants you to know what she is dealing with. I think if you feel awkward she will pick up on that and it might make her feel awkward. My friend got pregnant right away and I started my IF journey. Throughout her pregnancy I still confided in her and she still supported me. She didn't talk about her pregnancy unless I asked but I never felt awkward or unhappy around her. To me, having her friendship was much more important to me than the fact she was pregnant and I was not. If you want to do something for her maybe a mani/pedi/massage to let her focus on herself. When my friend would leave me a note and tea on the morning of betas it meant the world to me. I don't think you need to do something big to show her you are thinking of her.

[luvboston]

Tell her to go to a reproductive immunologist it will be the best thing you ever did for her.

[fightersince83]

I had two friends that were struggling TTC at the same time that we were. They both got pregnant at about the same time and I did not. Knowing that they had struggled for quite a while before, I was really very happy for both of them. I ended up getting pregnant and then having a loss which lined up with both of their baby showers so I was too emotional to attend either one, but I sent gifts. Anyway, point being, there's a difference between hearing an OMG we weren't even trying story & knowing that other people have been down the 3T/IF road and made it. Since both got KU at the same time, I did feel a little left behind, but that didn't change the fact that I was happy for them. I appreciated that they kept up with cheering me on and asking about our journey and they were some of the first people I announced to when we were finally successful. I felt like both were also careful not to talk about their pregnancies or LOs too much if I didn't ask. Around losses it was harder for me to hear things than other times and I appreciated that they got it. It wasn't that I didn't care, it's just that depending on where I was at the time limited my ability to tolerate the baby/pregnancy talk

[dancerspose]

I agree with everything PPs have said. I would just continue to take your cues from her. She knows what she can and cannot handle, so as long as she is still engaging with you, then I would engage back normally. If she needs to pull away, she will, and just respect that if it happens. Not only is every person dealing with IF different about how they deal with OPPs, a lot of time each OPP is different. For me, I had a lot more patience for people who patient and respectful with me when they were pregnant than people who (intentionally or not) rubbed it in my face.

As far as another gift idea, maybe a gift certificate for her and her husband to a nice, or favorite, restaurant? I don't think you NEED to do anything, but if you want to quietly acknowledge that you know how difficult this is for her and appreciate her standing by you through your pregnancy something like that could be nice.

[MellyKnu]

The only thing I would add that hasn't already been said, is that it might be a good idea to have a conversation with her about how she wants to find out about your LO's birth. This came up not too long ago with somebody else, or it might not have occurred to me to mention it. Would she be okay with finding out on FB with the rest of the world? Or maybe a text so she's forewarned? Or even just letting her know when you go into labor so she knows to expect it in the next couple of days.