Start of the hard season

[toastie]

ugh, this season is such a bummer on me.  All the cute Facebook photos of families and traditions.  I accommodate my kids number 1 and for us it will be thanksgiving just the 4 of us. We still have to feed our 4 and 6 yo and those beautifully set tables, not happening unless I want it all over the floor. Oh and having family over, not happening because my IL could care less about my kids and unless things happen on their terms, they don't happen.and my parents are out of town.

there will be no Christmas tree or presents wrapped because there is now way to gate them off anymore.  For the most part I'm ok with all this because it is what it is and I know things could be much harder, they have been much harder. 

Its just hard to see pics of everyone else's families doing the things I wish we could do.

[mirandah]

Sorry, toastie- it's a tough season. I hope you find some happiness in some of the small rituals.

[theycallmemommy]

+1 to what Mirandah said.

My parents, brother, wife and 2 kids went to Disneyland last week. We didn’t. DS would not be able to handle a plane-ASD . What hurt the most is that I accidentally heard about the trip. No one had the heart to tell me. We are a pretty close family and see each other at least once a week. I don’t relate to your exact situation but there's plenty of times I think "I just want to be like everyone else "

I would get creative with your decorating. I'm a very artsy person, it would kill me not to have stuff be pretty. Maybe a small tree up on a high high shelf or wreaths hung up on the house doors in each room. Pintrist is a great place to start however when DS was younger and basically nonverbal I couldn’t have a tree out either. He would pull on it or undecorated it.

Hugs

[mrsbuttinski]

I'm sorry toastie,. It is really hard when you can't find any small approximation of what you imagined motherhood to be prior to becoming which you can savor. I try to remind myself that those happy facebook families have cracks, too. What you are seeing is a highly currated and photoshopped version of reality. Not that I would take pleasure, but I try to understand that they have their stuff, too. A job that's insecure, a marriage that's in a bad place, kids who are doing poorly in school or making bad choices in the community.

Feel free to ignore if what you need most is to vent, but is there some other way to bring some magic to the house? Maybe decorate a tree outside that can be seen from indoors? Play music from your childhood Christmases? Fill the house with scents from baking? Add toss pillows or handtowels with holiday themes?

I'm sorry your ILs aren't up to the task of being loving grandparents- how sad for your sons and also for theirs. Will your own folks be back soon?

[mrsbuttinski]

theycallmemommy,

Gosh, that's harsh.

There are programs to help individuals with ASD become more comfortable with air travel if you decide to want to try it sometime. As a rule, Disney is very accommodating to those with ASD and sensory issues once you get there.

www.thearc.org/wingsforautism

www.autismir.com/about_us.html

[akafred]

Christmas is hard for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. I'm so sorry, toastie. I don't know that finding ways to decorate as PPs suggested would make it better or not, but it so, feel free to just have a ball with it! I've seen some pics of vinyl wall trees that looked pretty cute. But, I know that probably doesn't cure the sads and you're entitled to those feelings. ((Hugs))

[toastie]

Its not even about the decor. It's about the joy and excitement of it all. It's Groundhog Day around here. My kids have no understanding of future events. They enjoy things like music, lights etc. but there is no anticipation or excitement. Everyday is the same as the last and that's the hard part. The tree, lights etc they're all stuff. We don't do santa for other reasons so we don't care about him. It's just tiring.



As for my IL it's been a 6 yr battle. They want every gatherin at their house and refuse to put up baby gates on their 2 open stairs. There are no toys glass tables and clutter everywhere. They live 20 min away and we see them a few times a year. Yet they'll drive 12 hours to see sil her bf and his daughter. They've got their braggable grandchild with her and my kids are useless. I'm over it. It's their loss. They'll never know how amazing my kids are.

[ohsewcrafty]

I'm sorry toastie. I totally get that it's not about the decorations. We have family that won't come over for Thanksgiving because they "just can't take Charlie's 'energy'." Your kids ARE amazing and I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

[Deleted]

Hugs toastie.

[cam]

Hugs, toastie and everyone else who has an especially hard time with holidays.

[samanthajulep]

New here, I don’t mean to “lurk” but I joined for some insight and am reading through many threads as we are unexpectedly in the process of fostering a child with special needs different from what we know and I am trying to gain some perspective and some information before I jump into this.
I just wanted to comment to theycallmemommy,--
I actually just took a trip with my in laws and my own family to Disneyland, and my sister/brother -in-law and her kids did not come (one with ASD). The trip was brought up MANY times, and my in-laws decided to join us as we began planning. I never thought that my sister-in-law would be offended as her husband was out of work and made it clear he would never want to attend such a trip. (hates rides, a waste of money, etc.). I felt like it would be rude to ask and put them in the position of explaining things…
My mother-in-law also watches my niece and nephew 5 days a week, including therapies and school. I understand this is a necessity for the function and needs of my sister-in-law’s family but this can be hard on everyone. We are a very close family but my kids are often left out. For example, when she was supposed to pick my kids up from school and at the last minute couldn’t- because she needed to pick up my nephew instead. My own kids are not old enough to understand what is happening yet. I interpreted this trip as a chance for my kids to get to spend time with their grandparents, since they get a LOT less one-on-one.
I guess my point here is- I would guess that your family loves you and has good intentions but are not always sure of how to communicate or approach certain situations. Tell them! I bet they WANT to know. Now, I am not saying it is right, and I won’t even pretend to know your perspective- BUT I can see how this sometime happens being on the other side.
I appreciate reading what you all have to say.

[theycallmemommy]

We are a really close family. My mom and dad (the grandparents) are the therapies drivers and help us A LOT. I can see this from multiple viewpoints. It is more that it is a reminder that my life will continue to be different from what I expected or wanted. **Wanted** being emphasized.

I just wish they had told me directly and I didn't overhear it. We would have declined anyway because the kids are 3 & 6 and I get nervous taking DS to birthday parties where I need to hover. I am constantly looking at my environment as "where could DS potentially get lost?" It's exhausting because he might be just fine or he might wander. His communication is still a struggle. He may not think to ask for help because he wouldn't understand that I couldn't just find him.

My family is and has been amazing. I also recognize others' needs to move on and have normal life experiences. If that means they go on a fun trip and we dont, unfortunately that's life.

It's like she was saying, it's not the decorations, it's the natural desire for a "normal " childhood experience. Sometimes I get down about it too. The Disney trip was the latest example. I let myself be sad for one day and then pretended it didn't matter (although it still did)

I asked my mom not to tell my DD. She is 3.5 and would understand that they all went. If it is brought up by the cousins, that's one thing. I just think the adults don't need to mention it. I'm not ready for disappointing her yet. She's already a "waiting room" kid because he has therapies 4xs a week right now. She has been going since infancy.

Well this got depressing! Sorry

[theycallmemommy]

Samantha, they know

This has been a family experience, not just for my Dh and I but for my parents and siblings too. Everyone is very team DS. That comes at a cost though for everyone.

I can understand your sister in law being offended. There's a lot of emotions in raising someone who has ASD. She may be hiding more feelings than she is letting on. No one wants pity or to constantly talk about it, but it's the 500lb elephant in the room. I'm glad you understand where she is coming from. I probably am hard to read at times because most people have literally no idea what my day to day looks like

[numbbears]

Hugs and sympathies for everyone struggling.

We got a mini-tree last year and DS was pretty good with it. I made him a felt tree (green felt glued to a traffic cone) with felt ornaments for him to decorate. That kept him distracted last year. But I won't even try to put out presents or stockings. And everyone's asking their kids what they want for Christmas. I can't do that or ask him to point to what he wants in a store because he'll want it then. He likes the lights, but he just doesn't get the holidays or the anticipation either. He's still asking to go Trick-or-Treating.

[numbbears]

theycallmemommy, I brought DS to the Wings for Autism event that mrsbuttinski linked and it was a pretty good experience if you're thinking about trying to fly at some point. He did a lot better than I anticipated. The plane drove down the runway and he was pretty fascinated the whole time. And we saw where he struggled (leaving the seat belt on) so we can work on that before we actually fly anywhere.

[theycallmemommy]

Numbbears, it's definitely something worth looking into in the future. Not sure when that will be, but maybe someday. Mrsbuttunski thanks for the links 😀