Advice? Family Drama (not pregnancy related)

[marshian]

*poof*

Got great advice (thank you all!) so poofing the story.

[pinecone21]

If you can, I'd try to be happy for her. She probably knows she's making a mistake, and she definitely knows that no one approves. If things go south in her marriage, she's not going to turn to someone she thinks will say "I told you so." And who knows, the guy might grow up and their marriage might be great. Either way, if you want to keep a relationship with her, you need to at least pretend that you trust her judgment. Maybe ask her what she loves about him, so that she can help you start to like him too? If she can't think of anything, that should be a big red flag to her.

[animaldoctor]

You can't say anything without jeopardizing your relationship with her. I have been there before. Just be happy for her and hope that everything works out in the end. It sucks but it is her decision.

[eucalyptus]

I agree with the others. Try to get on board and be excited. Your role is to support her decisions, but they are hers to make. There must be done really good things about this man, do maybe see if you can figure out what it is she loves about him.

PS if things go south in the future, I think you still just want to support her and listen her and avoid telling her you never liked him. That also could hurt your relationship with her.

[ihatepizza]

marshian, I'm on the fence about this one. I dated an emotionally abusive, cheating jerk for 11 years of my life. My family were super supportive of us and him and it wasn't until after we broke up they told me that they hated him and I deserved so much better. This person destroyed every shred of self confidence and self worth that I had. I have the most negative self talk and to this day H will tell me to not hate myself. This is where I'm on the fence because no one said anything to me at all, but would I have listened if they did. It came to the point where I truly felt that this is what I deserved. I guess my advice would be to stay close to her and remind her that she is a worthy human being and when he beats her down point out she doesn't deserve it. I completely empathize with the position you're in, it's so hard.

[marshian]

Thank you all for your thoughts. We have been trying to focus on what she loves about him and the good things he does. I'm pretty sure we'll continue to go that route as we long as we don't see any red flags as far as abusive behavior (though I know outsiders don't always see what's going on). We were prepared to be happy if she was happy, then she and I just had a long conversation the other day where she was beyond upset, the most angry and hurt I've ever seen her, and everything looked like it was adding up, and then he proposed. The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning toward being happy she's happy and staying close in case she needs me. The past 6 months she's been asking more for advice (about their relationship) and was truly listening, so I am hoping that will continue.

ihatepizza - I'm so sorry for what you went through. If I actually saw or heard her describe anything along the lines of abuse (emotional, physical, physiological, anything) I would not hesitate to ensure her safety. We've talked about that before, how I don't care at that point if she hates me forever, her safety is #1. (There has been abuse in our family so we are all very careful to watch for signs.) My H's opinion is if things go bad I'll regret not saying anything. It is a very tough situation I would rather not be in.

[mreve]

That's hard, I'm sorry you're in that position. My family is also very close and it's always been one of my fears that my brother will date/marry someone my mom and I don't get along with. It hasn't been an issue (so far, at least!), but I've seen close families drift apart due to animosity with SOs and I've always said that whoever my brother chooses I will make the effort to be happy for him to keep my relationship with him intact.

Like I said, I don't have any personal experience with a situation like yours, I hope you find a solution that you have peace about and that you can keep the close relationship with your sister.

[sdlaura]

That's a tough one. Sorry you're in that spot. I agree with PPs - if you see signs of abuse, say something, but otherwise try to be supportive. I'd also be tempted to ask leading questions when she gives you an obvious opening - I'm trying to think of what I mean. Sort of like if she complains about something he does, you could say 'does that happen often?' Or 'wow, that would make me feel bad about myself - I'm sorry' and see if she opens up about things.

Also how old is this guy? Honestly my husband was pretty immature when we got together and I knew that my family liked him less than my longtime college boyfriend. But long term he was a better fit for me and he has really matured into a great husband and father. He still is a little awkward in social settings sometimes but I've learned to plan around that - like he needs his downtime on family trips so we get a separate rental rather than all the extended family sharing a house - but it matters more to me how we function as our little family unit. Good luck

[marshian]

sdlaura - I've been doing the leading questions for a while. Love that tactic. It works well. He's almost 30. I'm really hoping he matures more. Right now he acts somewhere between a 6-year-old (e.g. throwing fits if things don't go his way) and a high schooler (e.g. no worries about having a FT job, doesn't understand about basic chores like buying groceries). Glad to hear things went well for you and your H! Gives me hope.

Something I do need to suggest to my sis at some point is allowing him to go off on his own for a little while when our family is together. Pretty sure we overwhelm him and it shows. Breaks are cool. Acting like a child is not.

[sdlaura]

marshian, sounds similar to how my family probably thought my husband was in attitude (he was 27 when I met him) but at least he had it together professionally. I totally agree on encouraging him to take breaks. I still have to encourage that with DH. He just gets overwhelmed with my loud, very direct family and then sometimes ends up acting like an a-hole.

Ex boyfriend was super gregarious and the life of the party and everyone loved him, but I must have known somehow that more of an introvert would be better for me long-term - that just means that he doesn't do as well outside his comfort zone. Sounds like you're already doing a good job on the leasing questions. I hope the family stuff at the holidays goes well!

[marshian]

sdlaura - My family is definitely loud and we like to sit around and play games and talk for hours on end. I'll see how I can bring up letting him take a break from all of us.

[honda13]

Damn it. Missed it! Looks like you got some great advice and I wish you the best of luck with the situation.