How to improve? XP from PAIF

[kaf7]

Hi Guys

I started a thread looking for input on PAIF and I would appreciate your thoughts.

goodbyecb.proboards.com/thread/134033/improve?page=1#post-7565411

[luvboston]

I think it's great you did this but I think some of us need to have a private discussion as to where we went wrong bc I have many unanswered questions.

[milkeyway]

Jan 26, 2017 14:33:13 GMT -5 luvboston said:

I think it's great you did this but I think some of us need to have a private discussion as to where we went wrong bc I have many unanswered questions.

With all due respect this is gonna piss us all right back off. The point of the discussion post is to talk and air the complaints. Having a private discussion with other vets is not going to fix the issues. Vets can air complaints/comments/feedback on the post kaf7 posted too especially if you have ways to fix SAIF.

[sumbeach]

^^exhibit A
"Some of us"
When I think the point is open dialogue.

[luvboston]

actually sumbeach we can't have an open dialogue bc everyone just points the finger in one direction and there is no point and we get no where.

I don't mean people who have been here forever I mean those that particularly called people out for not being supportive when they are the total opposite.

[Amelia]

Jan 26, 2017 14:41:34 GMT -5 milkeyway said:

Jan 26, 2017 14:33:13 GMT -5 luvboston said:

I think it's great you did this but I think some of us need to have a private discussion as to where we went wrong bc I have many unanswered questions.

With all due respect this is gonna piss us all right back off. The point of the discussion post is to talk and air the complaints. Having a private discussion with other vets is not going to fix the issues. Vets can air complaints/comments/feedback on the post kaf7 posted too especially if you have ways to fix SAIF.

+1

Also, kaf7, thank you for starting the thread!

[milkeyway]

Jan 26, 2017 14:45:37 GMT -5 luvboston said:

actually sumbeach we can't have an open dialogue bc everyone just points the finger in one direction and there is no point and we get no where.

I don't think there has been an open thread such as kaf7 posted. Yes we've had our threads where we've fought. This is not that. We want SAIF to not go down in flames both sides need to make their feelings known. Thus far it's a safe calm thread where we're sharing our thoughts and feelings. No finger pointing just honest suggestions. I know there have been issues but let's drop it and have an adult conversation here.

[MellyKnu]

Jan 26, 2017 14:33:13 GMT -5 luvboston said:

I think it's great you did this but I think some of us need to have a private discussion as to where we went wrong bc I have many unanswered questions.

If you have questions or helpful ideas to help mend this board, please come to the thread and share them there.

[kensie5226]

Jan 26, 2017 14:33:13 GMT -5 luvboston said:

I think it's great you did this but I think some of us need to have a private discussion as to where we went wrong bc I have many unanswered questions.

You're welcome to have whatever private discussions you want. I suggest you keep it private and don't callout on the board about how we can't have an open dialogue to make the community a better place. This feels deliberately inflammatory.

That being said. I never felt unwelcome. I always assumed that moms of older babies moved and had less time. Also I assumed there was a big loss of experience with the move over. I was disappointed that we didn't the benefit of this experience and expertise, but I never took it personally.

[luvboston]

kensie5226 I want specifics on what you feel support is as you noted you weren't supported?

Do people expect everyone to go into checkins and respond?

[luvboston]

Perhaps we should have an ask an older parent thread every week.

[kaf7]

I am for open discussion in a respectful manner. That is the purpose of the thread. I am truly trying to understand how the divide has occurred and how we can change things moving forward. There have already been some great ideas put forward on the PAIF posting of this. Please post there if you have something constructive to contribute.

[kensie5226]

luvboston , I never said I wasn't supported. I just said that it felt like we lost experience on the board and that was disappointing. I also said that I never felt as though I was unwelcome.

If you're referring to my saying I had never been supported specifically by you (in a different thread) that is true, but I've also never asked for your support. I didn't mean that as a negative, I only meant it as context. I definitely don't expect people to lurk all check ins they don't belong to. I don't sit in the NB check in anymore. I don't expect anyone to have time for that.

[kensie5226]

Jan 26, 2017 15:09:12 GMT -5 luvboston said:

Perhaps we should have an ask an older parent thread every week.

This is a very good idea.

[mrswillie]

Honestly, my issue is not with "newbies." I am friends with a lot of "newbies" and enjoy having you all here. My issue is if people want the board to be a home for everybody, then a person's comfort in that home can't and shouldn't come at the expense of making another person uncomfortable.

[kensie5226]

Jan 26, 2017 15:14:15 GMT -5 mrswillie said:

Honestly, my issue is not with "newbies." I am friends with a lot of "newbies" and enjoy having you all here. My issue is if people want the board to be a home for everybody, then a person's comfort in that home can't and shouldn't come at the expense of making another person uncomfortable.

I absolutely agree with this.

[mrswillie]

Jan 26, 2017 15:13:38 GMT -5 kensie5226 said:

Jan 26, 2017 15:09:12 GMT -5 luvboston said:

Perhaps we should have an ask an older parent thread every week.

This is a very good idea.

Where was the BTDT thread? On here or PAIF? Is that what it was called on the PAIF before it was resurrected as Ask A Grad?

[kensie5226]

mrswillie, yeah I don't think there was one here.

[kensie5226]

Let's be real, a big issue is that as our kids grow up and we leave the IF trenches we have so much less in common. We have differing children's ages, we have differing lifestyles, politics, personalities. If I have questions about something my kid is doing I take those to my BMB. We all have LOs the same age. I don't come here for pop culture, politics, etc. I already have communities for those things. Other than TFAS, it's hard to know what this community really needs to be.

Whether or not it's deliberate, cliques are probably going to form. If you cycle with or near people that's how you know them. I don't keep with 3T and PAIF so I have no idea who those people are. I think a big challenge is going to be after the shock of getting your take home baby wears off. What is this board supposed to be?

[luvboston]

kensie5226 this board is supposed to be where you come to land after IF where we as parents look at the world differently for having gone through it and a place to support each other in the next chapter of life without having to hear pregnancy announcements and where we can help TFAS.

[leahb12]

Ok, so I come and go with posting, so I don't quite understand everything that's going on. However, I think kensie5226 makes a great point. I'm past the baby phase in my life. I'm probably not going to respond in a lot of those posts simply because I don't always feel like talking about infants anymore. I'm also not bothered at all to see those posts. I don't know. I don't feel like I can contribute a whole lot to a solution. I do feel like people might want to explain what they want from this board. I think there are many different ideas of what it should be.

ETA: Spelling

[dp21]

Hello ladies,

Ugh, I've been following everything across the boards. I really would like everyone to feel welcome here. I think we should be able to be ourselves but at the same time, act as adults.

I was originally on the bump and was so disappointed coming over to SAIF back in January 2015 and fell off the bandwagon. Rejoined back in September when I needed support to TTC #2. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the differences comes down to the nature of becoming parents. Just less time to dedicate to being online...less time to do anything lol Those kids are time suckers.

But what can we do to keep busy parents involved? Especially when not cycling to TTCAS?
Ask a grad on PAIF is really nice bridge
Maybe we can have a sticky: 1st year parent survival guide - just as a welcome to PAIF's and we could all throw in tips.
Agree, older kid check-in could be really nice so it not just focusing on babies
and just more GTKY threads and fun things

And I think when responding to posts, know your audience. Lets work on getting to know each other better. I think you can be more snarky with some posters (because you have built a relationship and you know they won't take it personally) but if you don't know someone well or they are clearly new to SAIF (maybe back off a little until you get to know each other better). That's just my personal opinion but just like in real life...gotta use good judgement. Just like I will tell my best friend the truth about her terrible outfit and she won't hate me, but if I walk up to a stranger on the street and tell them how terrible their outfit is (I might get a mouthful lol). Is that a stupid analogy? lol Ok to tell me

[luvboston]

leahb12 wouldn't you like to be able to come to a once monthly coffee style chat where you can meet up with old and new friends?

[leahb12]

Jan 26, 2017 15:49:38 GMT -5 luvboston said:

leahb12 wouldn't you like to be able to come to a once monthly coffee style chat where you can meet up with old and new friends?

Absolutely. Honestly, I would be absent for months and then jump in briefly and I never felt unwelcome. But like I said, I've been pretty ignorant to any problems going on.

[ruthie]

I'm brainstorming on how to respond to Kaf's thread on PAIF, but I think kensie5226 's comment raises a very good point.

Are there many out there who never felt unwelcome? I worry that you don't feel comfortable posting because of fear of negative comments in return or because you didn't want to get involved, so I hope you can find a way to make your thoughts known (even if it is just a LT).

Thus far, I've seen two outlined issues being, (1) The "oldies" or "vets" posts. Awhile back, some 2015 moms said they found those thread titles hurtful and it was decided that we would break up the posts to include an older preschooler check in. I said I'd run it and totally dropped the ball, for which I feel awful. And, (2) 2012/13 moms not participating in welcome posts, threads related to issues of younger children and posts initiated by 2015/16 moms.

I appreciate those who chimed in with their experiences and I think those are concrete examples of ways to improve. I know I've been deeply hurt by this issue (especially of late), as I am both a 2012 and 2015 mom who never felt welcome in the 2015 club (although there were several who were kind and welcoming to me). But, I don't think this board is beyond saving and I'm sad there are those who feel that way.

ETA: I do believe there is a way to make moms from different eras come together to support one another. I have been a member of both virtual and IRL MoMs communities and they are proof that it works if people are willing to put in the effort. 

[westiemom]

Jan 26, 2017 15:09:12 GMT -5 luvboston said:

Perhaps we should have an ask an older parent thread every week.

I love this.

[kensie5226]

I agree that there is a spectrum of what is and is not acceptable. What happened last week was bad news bears. When Parenting is calling a thread "cunty" I don't think it's a good sign.

I don't want to rehash that thread. It went way south, way fast. I understand both perspectives on why.

I'm not all sunshine and rainbows, but there are ways to talk to people without deliberately provoking conflict. To stick with dp21 's example. I'd tell a friend "dude, that shirt is not a flattering cut for your body. Let's look for a shorter shirt in a different color which would like better on you" vs. "gurl that's the ugliest shirt I've ever seen, have you shopped before? Seriously it looks like puke."

[dp21]

kensie5226, haha love it!

[ruthie]

kensie5226, I thought I was the last person on this planet who says, "bad news bears!!"

[kensie5226]

@ketchup I get what you're saying. But, number two is much more confrontational and you shouldn't be surprised when confrontations happen. S'all I'm saying. I ain't trying to change ya.