kensie5226 this board is supposed to be where you come to land after IF where we as parents look at the world differently for having gone through it and a place to support each other in the next chapter of life without having to hear pregnancy announcements and where we can help TFAS.
I feel like you're being deliberately obtuse.
What I'm getting at is that as IF fades we have nothing in common. I know one poster's siggy says something to the effective of letting go of her IF history. That's awesome! I don't define my parenting by my IF. I define it by my values and my experiences. This page still matters to me became I'm TFAS. But, I didn't come here to ask questions about breastfeeding or about raising my kids in a biracial family. I'm sure some people here have those same experiences, but I go to those boards for those topics.
I thought it was obvious that I meant we as a community need to decide what we want this board to be. That has to include everyone. Maybe it looks like several boards for IF parents who cycles together. Like BMB boards for IF. Each one can define their own board culture. It's just a thought.
TTC #1: March 2014 Dx: MFI Medicated IUI #1: March 2015-BFP Baby Girl born 11/5/2015! TTC #2: August 2016 Medicated IUI #1: Feb 2017-BFN Medicated IUI #2: March 2017-BFP Baby Boy expected Dec. 1
6 m/c, 2 IVF w/CGH,1 IUI, TI
DX: Anovulatory cycles,Implantation Dysfunction, APA
High TNF, Low NK Cells
Treatment:Humira, IVIG, Baby Aspirin, Lovenox/Arixtra, High dose Folic Acid, LIT Treatment Mexico
1 Miracle born Aug 2013 Premature
1 Miracle born March 2015 39 Weeks
Miracles brought to me by Beer Immunology
Lots of good insight going on here guys and some actionable items I think.
I did gain a lot of support here, particularly with my first and then when ttca. But since s2 was born I have moved on a bit. I end up on parenting more often or as much as here. I think kensie5226 has expressed how and why that happens naturally. But I do think there is ongoing value in having the input of women who understand an IF background (even if I am the one letting go of my if history in my siggy!) and I am certainly willing to participate a bit more to provide that btdt experience to newer parents as I am able. Probably reinstating the older kids checkins would help as was mentioned to give us a bit more personality and memorability rather than just dropping by for occasional advice giving.
We aren't all going to mesh. That will never happen. I do think that the examples given above of giving input to a bff vs an acquaintance are helpful.
If asked to define what I envision this board to be based on the input so far, I'd say a place to stay connected to those you went through the wringer with and also to provide advice to those moving through the stages of parenting through an IF lens.
I think the ideas for more fun threads, participating in lemonliz's open IF check in, and everyone being aware that perhaps there are people in checkins you don't frequent that may benefit from your insight are all good ones to try to improve the board's value for everyone.
That's what I have taken away from reading all of the posts at least.
Also milkeyway suggested a pinned chart sort of thing on the PAIF posting of this thread with names and kids ages like some BMB have to aid in knowing who to ask for advice. What do people think of that? Does someone want to take initiative and start one? I am not that saavy I don't think....
TTC #2: IVF #2 (Lupron), BFN, No frosties IVF #3 (Ganirelix), BFN, 2 frosties FET #1: BFP, EDD 8-31-17, MC 1-3-2017 Goodbye little one FET #2...BFN IVF #4: Seeking second opinions
Post by bocaburger on Jan 26, 2017 21:06:37 GMT -5
kaf7, I really appreciate you starting this. I think an open dialogue is really important right now.
I think that some sort of BTDT or "ask an older parent" thread would be helpful. If I'm looking for advice from people who are going through the same thing as I am right now, I go to my BMB. If I have twin-specific questions, I go to POM. But if I have a question about parenting that I'd like advice from someone who has actually dealt with that specific issue before, and not someone who is fumbling their way through just like me, this is where I come because I don't have another board for that.
dp21, I love this idea: "Maybe we can have a sticky: 1st year parent survival guide - just as a welcome to PAIF's and we could all throw in tips." I think seeing that when moving over from PAIF would definitely have made me feel more welcome.
ruthie, I'm interested to hear why you felt unwelcome in the 2015 crowd.
I think I'm in an interesting position here, because I'm neither part of the "oldies" group nor the 2015 crowd. Not too many people that cycled and went through PAIF with me are here; maybe because they went to the FB group instead? I don't know, because unfortunately I don't feel comfortable participating in the FB group and losing my anonymity. So I think a lot of my not feeling at home here stems from simply not knowing the other posters as well as I did on the other IF boards. I had just barely intro-ed on 3T on TD when the shit hit the fan, and because of that it took me a little while to dip my toes in on TCF. Because of that, I think I missed out on some major bonding opportunities. I really like most of the people I meet here, but I have only ever met one TCFer IRL, and I never developed close personal friendships with individual people. But I still really value this community as a whole, and I value each individual who has reached out to me, welcomed me, supported me, answered my questions, pointed me to resources, etc.
The only thing that has ever made me feel actively excluded on SAIF are the "old lady" threads. Every other check-in has always felt open - targeted to a specific age or purpose, of course, but anyone who fits that category can join, and others are welcome to come in if they have advice from past experience or questions for their future. The Oldies threads are different - as far as I can tell, they are "how are you" check-ins where you are only welcome if you belong to a specific time period and/or you were tagged in the OP.
On the other hand, not being actively excluded is not the same as being actively welcomed. I think responding to intro posts goes a long way. I don't always respond with a post unless I have a specific response to something in the OP, but I make a point of always reading the intro (so I can learn about the person) and handing out a love-tit to show I care. I also think participating in GTKY and randoms threads is an important step. I don't often post in the GTKY threads simply because I usually start writing my answer to all the questions, and before I have a chance to finish someone needs me, and I lose the post... so I've stopped bothering unless it's a topic I care about. But I do try to read and love-tit when I have time. With this week being the very obvious exception, I find that by and large only the newer members of SAIF participate in the GTKY threads and the randoms threads, and so I have never had the chance to get to know the "vets".
In terms of what purpose we want this board to serve... here are my thoughts.
1. IF-specific issues: Since all of us have at least one child, this will obviously be different than the other IF boards. TFAS is the most obvious aspect of this, but I have also found support here when considering my contraceptive options, etc. Also, IF-related political/current events, such as the HR-586 thread, or bills being considered about insurance for IF treatment, etc.
2. Age-specific check-ins: I really enjoy and appreciate the newborn/infant check-ins and the BF check-in. There are other boards for those things on TCF, but since I became accustomed to a smaller, more intimate community for TTC and pregnancy, it follows that I (and hopefully others) would enjoy having something like that for parenting as well.
3. Continuity: Being able to rejoin with people we got to know on 3T or PAIF, and getting to know a smaller group of women more intimately than on parenting (for example).
Not everyone has to participate in every thread, and not everyone has to love everyone else's personalities. But this board at times seems almost territorial. @ketchup mentioned that not everyone is just going to come running back here now that we've had this discussion, and I think that is probably true. But I also want it to be a safe space for people who are currently on 3T and PAIF, where they feel welcomed and included once they make it over here.
kensie5226, I just like that you used the word "obtuse". Hadn't heard that in a while
I don't have much to add, since I haven't been active in a while and don't have a clear understanding of the dynamic as of late. I like the ideas like Parenting thread. Maybe periodically have a fun topic we can all enjoy like a Meme thread?
Aside from some specific personality clashes, I think the general divide between those with older kids and newer members of SAIF will always be there. Not to be Negative Nancy or anything...I just think there's been too much focus on the divide and the tension just keeps building - then the personality clashes amplified it. I'm in a few other Facebook groups that had been around a while before I had C, and they have gone though several growth spurts. You know what happened? Old vs new arguments. Older members being clicky, newer members saying they didn't feel welcome, participation dies down...same bullshit everywhere. A few groups pulled it off with minimal growing pains, but the issue here is not an uncommon one.
Don't get me wrong, there is definite stank across the board, and this is a great step to make things better! But I also just want to be realistic.
TTC #1: March 2014 Dx: MFI Medicated IUI #1: March 2015-BFP Baby Girl born 11/5/2015! TTC #2: August 2016 Medicated IUI #1: Feb 2017-BFN Medicated IUI #2: March 2017-BFP Baby Boy expected Dec. 1
TTC #2: IVF #2 (Lupron), BFN, No frosties IVF #3 (Ganirelix), BFN, 2 frosties FET #1: BFP, EDD 8-31-17, MC 1-3-2017 Goodbye little one FET #2...BFN IVF #4: Seeking second opinions
I have a genuine question, as I'm not here as much either and miss some things. Is it just the titles of the oldies or vets come chat that bothers people? If we have an older kid check in, it's still "the oldies" chatting right? I feel like either way, anyone is more than welcome to come chat too. I just don't know if it's the title that's unsettling or if it's also that some feel like they can't comment.
I like all of the suggestions so far. I too have a 2015 baby and participate in those check ins as much as I remember too. We'll also probably try for #3 late summer so I may have a 2018 baby as well. Cohesiveness, I think, is our goal and it'll take baby steps to get there.
Ok ladies, I'm going to turn some of this into action! Going to start a new thread, we should make a Welcome to SAIF sticky I think as the other two boards have them. I will also create a google doc that everyone can edit anonymously as long as you have the link.
Sound good?!
We'll need idea on what should go in it haha.
I was thinking the 1st year Parent survival tips will be great!
TTC #2: IVF #2 (Lupron), BFN, No frosties IVF #3 (Ganirelix), BFN, 2 frosties FET #1: BFP, EDD 8-31-17, MC 1-3-2017 Goodbye little one FET #2...BFN IVF #4: Seeking second opinions
Post by karabear4409 on Jan 27, 2017 7:29:37 GMT -5
I like the idea of a BTDT thread. I personally love being able to impart my experience and knowledge on to others, if the topic applies to something I know about. But, I don't even go in to the infant or young toddler threads (even though I have an infant now too...I just couldn't keep up with another check in). So, let's say a question about BLW is thrown in the infant check in. I think a lot of "oldies" that could help never even see it.
Along those same lines, I think part of the culture shift is that threads used to be created for individual topics, so people would join in where they saw fit. Now, a lot of the conversation happens within the check ins or Randoms, which not every one checks.
I'll put this in the other thread as well, but I just want to jump in and say I think a welcome should aim to include posters (such as myself) that didn't post in 3T or PAIF. I posted a little on TD in PAIF, but never made the transition here as I had an incredibly supportive BMB. But after DS was born is when I found I really needed the IF community.
Also it might be a good idea to make maybe a monthly post to discuss when you're finished building your family. I know that can be a hard decision because of the factors unique to IF that impact our decision.
Post by turquoisequeen on Jan 27, 2017 9:55:54 GMT -5
If we do a sticky/post with members names and kids ages it could also be helpful to include some things that pertain to that parent and kid(s) that could be helpful for others when you are trying to see who to ask about something. Such as reflux, exclusive pumping, preemie, preeclampsia, PPD, delayed speech, etc etc whatever people are comfortable putting in there.
That way if someone has a question about something specific they could page the right people in case they aren't checking the board all the time for a regular post.
I have a genuine question, as I'm not here as much either and miss some things. Is it just the titles of the oldies or vets come chat that bothers people? If we have an older kid check in, it's still "the oldies" chatting right? I feel like either way, anyone is more than welcome to come chat too. I just don't know if it's the title that's unsettling or if it's also that some feel like they can't comment.
I like all of the suggestions so far. I too have a 2015 baby and participate in those check ins as much as I remember too. We'll also probably try for #3 late summer so I may have a 2018 baby as well. Cohesiveness, I think, is our goal and it'll take baby steps to get there.
In my opinion, the difference between an "oldies" specific thread and an older kid check-in is that anyone can join the older kid check-in as they transition into that age group. The "oldies" check-in feels more exclusive and is aimed towards specific people and even as posters transition to new stages with their little ones, will never be an "oldie" because they weren't part of the pre-2015 group.
I get that people want to hear from and catch up with the people they went through this with. I just think that if we want to be a cohesive, inclusive group, there are better ways to do it than an "oldies" post where only specific people are tagged. TJ's lurkers call out post is a good example of including everyone, compared to the other post that night that was "oldie" specific.
Me: 34 | DH: 33 Married: 2010 | TTC since Jan 2012 Met RE: March 2014 | Official DX: unexplained 04/2014-12/2014: 5 IUIs, all BFN IVF #1 March 2015 25R/20M/17F: Freeze-all, 12 frosties! FET #1 - May 2015: BFP! Beta #1 361, Beta #2 726 Baby boy, C, born 1/19/2016
Natural chemical pregnancy 8/2013 Clomid #1 and #2: BFN IVF 1 :0 to use IVF 2:4 great embryos after PGS testing. FET 1: BFP EDD 6/20/15 Chemical Pregnancy FET 2: BFP EDD 11/14/2015 MMC 9.5 weeks twins IVF #3: 2 fair embryos after PGS testing Surprise BFP during break cycle and DD born 4/2016
At least go in add yourself and your children. If we all could add one pointer to one of the titles or more it would be soo nice to collectively write this as a group! Also, don't be offended if someone edits your points. I threw some in there to get started, feel free to delete, edit, whatever. I'm open and don't claim to be the best with ideas or the best writer It's all anonymous and you don't need to create a google account. You can edit on your phone too (you might need the google drive app though...not 100% sure).
TTC #2: IVF #2 (Lupron), BFN, No frosties IVF #3 (Ganirelix), BFN, 2 frosties FET #1: BFP, EDD 8-31-17, MC 1-3-2017 Goodbye little one FET #2...BFN IVF #4: Seeking second opinions
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