Advice for a 12 year old

[marygracerich]

I am certainly no expert of 12yo girls. I probably haven't spoken to one since I was one. However I think I would start off by asking her if everything is ok at school. There has to be some underlying reason why she is failing the classes and it's probably socially related. I remember that age being awful for me.

[honda13]

I also have very little experience with this age.

I would maybe try and get her to open up with some general questions. How's school? Friends? The conversation may just naturally transition. If it doesn't I might just say something like, "I know school has been a bit tough this year. I'm here if there is anything you want to talk about or if you need help with your assignments."

Take this with a grain of salt because I have no clue.

[bethypoo83]

My niece just turned 13 and has similar struggles. She has anxiety and a Dad with Parkinson's Disease so that compounds her problems at school.

I always start by asking her how school is going, how are her friends, does she feel like she's getting what she needs in terms of support both at home and at school. We have always been very close and she knows she can be honest with me.

I'd say, do what you can to make her comfortable. And don't make this the first thing you talk about with her once she comes over. Give her some time to feel ready to open up. I am sure if she can articulate her feelings/struggles then she will share with you.

Good luck!

[jezebk]

I think it is great that you have a good relationship with your niece and I hate that she isn't doing well in school. My own niece has had similar issues with school but I think a big part of her issue is her home situation - her mother has moved her around a lot and doesn't appear to care much about school. My brother, her father, is very involved with her and cares very much about her education so he has been working with her on her weak subjects but she doesn't live close to him (the mother's doing). Its probably a sensitive subject but I would do what has been suggested previously with the general questions. I would ask her if she likes learning and what her favorite subjects are. Maybe she is really good in one subject and not so good in others. I would find out if she likes school and just has a hard time with the material or if she doesn't care about school. Ask her what her goals are...does she want to go into a certain career, does she want to go to college?? If she is having a hard time, maybe she would be interested in tutoring? If she doesn't seem to care about college or school in general, I would tell her that YOU think education is important. If she has a good relationship with you and looks up to you, she will value what you say.
Good luck with the talk! I hope it goes well.

[hotcoconuts82]

If you can casually work it into a conversation vs. a sit down, talking to, she might open up more.

[honda13]

McBgg21, that's what my mom always did. We had the tough and uncomfortable conversations in the car. You don't have to make eye contact and there is no escaping. lol

[CatLady]

I would be more direct about it than the other posters stated. I think I would say something like, "I heard school isn't going well this year." In a neutral voice. I'd see where she goes with it, but keep a frame of mind of, "I want to help you." If she gets defensive, I'd probably just say, "well, I'm always here if you want to talk about it" and let it go. I would avoid being pedantic, since that doesn't seem to work and be empathetic.

[corrys12]

Wow, I am so sorry your niece is going thru this. I have a 12 yo niece who i am VERY close with. My BIL (her dad) passed away 1.5 years ago but she has really navigated this difficult time well. I think stability has been a MAJOR contributing factor. Although she has always struggled in schol she has never stopped trying her best.

How close in proximity are you to her? I think talking about things, however you choose to addrsss it, either directly or more casually, is a great first step. But I think, if at all possible you have to be willing to put in some time with her. At this stage I find lots of people talk to or at kids, lots of people with good intentions....but no follow thru. Everyone wants to "help" but rarely do people actually follow thru with action, so it leaves the child with a feeling of "why even talk about it!?!?!" Action coukd be as simple as calling her after school every day to see how things went. Many schools have online systems where you can check a students grades or talk to teachers...if her Mom is willing to allow you to helo her out in that way it may show your niece that you genuinely care and are willing to help.

I go pick up my niecss from school regularly. I have never missed a holiday show, or missed an award ceremony I was invited to, I take my nieces to the Dr & dentist now more than my sister has ever (my BIL was Mr. Mom....so my sister has never had to do those things) but I don't mind, and I jump at the opportunity to do it. I am an obsessed auntie with my nieces, 12 & 9...always have been and alwys will be.

I think it is amazing that you were willing to take custody of her. It shows such a huge level of commitment to her. I didn't mean to digress into my own experience, but it is what I have done for my sister and my nieces and they have both been able to work through their emotions and the sudden loss of their Dad was devastating, but they continue to do well.