New Here Intro

[twixiesky]

Good morning!

New here and have been lurking around for a few days. Found this board from TB/the dump. So thankful to have a place to go to relate to people in similar situations although I wish it never were.

I just recently lost my son at 18 weeks on January 29th after going in for a regular appointment and being told he had no heartbeat. This was my first pregnancy, normal/no known complications, and our 4th appointment. They induced labor. The first week was quite hard and I cried everyday (sometimes I still have these moments). Im coming to terms with his passing though and we're having a memorial next week. I'm still healing (more emotionally than physically now) and have a follow up appointment with my obgyn tomorrow. The doctor said they would run tests on my son and the placenta to try to identify a cause.

I was so happy for impending motherhood as well as my SO. We've talked and he wants to start trying as soon as I'm ready. I want to try again as soon as I get the doctors clearance.

In the mean time I've been going crazy getting prepared to hear the worst

--Li-Li

[happyin14]

Hugs! I am so, so sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need to heal. This is a great group of folks for support!

[wrenofthesea]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It can be so nerve-racking waiting for appointments and results.

[tthgirl]

I'm sorry for the loss of your son.

[littleowl913]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Did you decide to name him? If so we would like to refer to him by name.

[shandorfml2]

Im sorry for the loss of your son

[flutterfly88]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, but am glad you've found us here, there are some wonderful supportive people here.

[twixiesky]

Thank you all for your support

wrenofthesea :
So true, I was anxious all yesterday until I saw the doctor. Didn't help that she took forever to see us which is unlike her so I kept thinking the worst. She told me all of my blood results came back normal with the exception of antithrombin III, a protein that helps to stop the blood from clotting. My functioning levels were low so she recommended I see a hematologist. In the meantime I'm going further crazy looking up everything I can find on antithrombin, deficiency, treatment, and effectiveness during pregnancy while I wait on the office to open to schedule an appointment. Also feeling a little guilty that I/my body failed our son, Keegan. I keep thinking about how on track his development looked with his little fingers and tiny feet, and skull plates forming, his strong heartbeat, nothing showing any problems for him - other than me


littleowl913 :
Yes, we named him Keegan after delivery.
We were looking through baby name books in the previous weeks and were finding it difficult to find boy names we liked. My SO found it, I was hesitant before everything happened because it means 'small and fiery'. Although he barely made it to 18 weeks he had a fiery personality already (12 week U/S scan he became stubborn decided to relax and stop moving around for her to get measurements, and even when the tech asked me to cough to try to get him to move he refused only waving his little hand at us and popping his finger in his mouth; 14 week Doppler he wouldn't stay still enough for tech to catch his heartbeat initially - he moved around a lot usually). When we lost him I thought the name was fitting because of his size and that personality of his.

[littleowl913]

twixiesky, my Ronin was just like that at my NT scan! I coughed, I turned on my side, I got up and jumped up and down for three minutes (twice!) I told DH that he's not a morning person like his mommy. I'm glad you found a perfect name for your little boy.

[manada]

I'm so sorry for your loss of Keegan. He sounds like a lovely little guy with a spunky personality.

Take your time to recover in any way you need. There are many people here to support you as needed and the TTCAL board is great as well.

[flutterfly88]

Feb 20, 2015 8:22:09 GMT -5 twixiesky said:

Thank you all for your support

wrenofthesea :
So true, I was anxious all yesterday until I saw the doctor. Didn't help that she took forever to see us which is unlike her so I kept thinking the worst. She told me all of my blood results came back normal with the exception of antithrombin III, a protein that helps to stop the blood from clotting. My functioning levels were low so she recommended I see a hematologist. In the meantime I'm going further crazy looking up everything I can find on antithrombin, deficiency, treatment, and effectiveness during pregnancy while I wait on the office to open to schedule an appointment. Also feeling a little guilty that I/my body failed our son, Keegan. I keep thinking about how on track his development looked with his little fingers and tiny feet, and skull plates forming, his strong heartbeat, nothing showing any problems for him - other than me

twixiesky, I'm sorry you're feeling guilty, I struggled with it too (and still do sometimes). I lost my son due to incompetent cervix at 23 weeks. Knowing that he was perfectly healthy and that my body was failing him was awful. I told my doula about my feelings of guilt and what she said to me has really stuck with me. I'm going to share it, in hopes that it can help you too. Guilt's purpose in a person's life is to make you realize that you've done something wrong. So a more appropriate feeling would be anger, because you didn't do anything wrong.  

This link was shared (I think back on TD), and it also ahs really stuck with me. It's a really good, but emotional read. Sending you so many (((((hugs)))))

[twixiesky]

manada
Thanks, I am definitely going to check out TTCAL, and some of the other boards too This site/boards have been sooo helpful.

flutterfly88
Thank you for sharing that advice and the hugs. I read the article, and yup I cried (I needed that though). Thanks again.

[mrswheelo]

I'm so glad you were able to find us. I'm so sorry about your son. You will find alot of support here. I think we can all relate to the feelings you are having. I understand feeling like you've failed in some way, but you can't blame yourself. Hoping all goes well with your treatment and ttc when tour doctor clears you.

[cheesypeas]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[penguininthecity]

I'm sorry for the loss of Keegan. Take all the time you need to heal. I'm hoping you find support and comfort among us. *Big hugs*

[MiniMeisters]

I am so sorry for your loss of Keegan! I hope you can find a lot of support here!

[girpipley]

I'm so sorry for your loss.