Looking for advice--loss mentioned.

[smithy]

Hi,

Let me begin by saying, I am not in your place and I won't get into great details as I don't want to trigger or offend anyone--believe me this is the absolute last thing I want to do. I need some advice for a friend and I'm not sure where else to go. This is brand new territory for me. Please don't read on if this will upset you.

A family we are friends with just recently lost their 4-year-old son, suddenly and tragically. He had special needs (long story), but otherwise was completely healthy. They were completely blindsided by this occurring and are (obviously) beside themselves with grief. I know some of you are in similar situations, and my heart breaks for you. It truly does.

As far as background on our relationship, we are friends but not "best friends" with them. We are friends mainly because our oldest daughters are friends in school. We have hung out socially a bunch of times, but in my mind we are not "super close." Although, I think this incident has kind of made us automatically closer since we were at their house the night before their son died. It was a small gathering with a couple other families from school. We were among the last people to see him. It has been hard on everyone--us, our kids. (obviously NOTHING at all compared to their grief--just giving background).

Basically, I just want to ask--what can I do for her? For the family? They have 3 other kids. This just happened 2 weeks ago. They went away for a few days after the funeral as a family and just got back. A mutual friend emailed last night and said she was worried about the mom, she got an emotional text from her and was not sure what to do. I am planning on calling or texting the mom today to see how she is doing. I feel I'm in a weird place though, because I don't want to overstep boundaries. Is there anything more specific I can do--again, without overstepping boundaries?

Any insight would be helpful. Again, I apologize if I hurt anyone here. I am trying my best to not offend as I understand your position--not from being in it but close to it. I feel for you. Thanks for reading this and offering any suggestions!

[happyin14]

You don't offend! Wanting to help someone facing this loss is amazing. And they are lucky to have a friend that would try so hard to figure out what to do.

I lost my almost 3 year old very suddenly and tragically (I hate that word, but...). The things that helped me most were: my best friend who literally called me daily for about an entire year. The rule was I never had to answer the phone if I didn't want to. And honestly, rarely did. But I LOVED that she called me.

Then there was a friend - not super close to me - that just did things. Sent me a gift card for dinner for Halloween so I didn't have to be home for trick or treaters. Would send me a little note on the 9th of every month (he died on the 9th). Plan a night out of distraction or a weekend trip with friends.

And most importantly, talk about their child. Tell your favorite stories. Let her talk about her child. Let her cry - know that you never "make" her sad. She is sad. You can just give her the safe space to feel.

You didn't ask, but - don't say any "things happen for a reason" or "part of a plan" or "in a better place". Don't send articles you have read (or worse, haven't even read!) thinking they'll help. Unless she asks...

And MOST important. Know that they will be different. Distracted. Distant at times. Losing a child changes you. I know you probably know that on one level, but some don't really think about the level of that change. Things bother me more and other things bother me less. TV shows bug me. Birthday parties are hard but I want to be invited. Honestly, I want to be included but I want people to also understand when I flake and don't go or decline. It is probably exhausting to be my friend right now. But I cannot tell you how much I value those who are sticking by me.

ETA: I don't know what the emotional text was but I would also say... Be careful. Don't overreact. Of course she's emotional. Everyone should just try and make her fee safe to feel what she feels.

[jenn83]

I completely second everything that happyin14, said. I lost my almost 2 year old suddenly (though extremely different circumstances).

[happyin14]

Although I now feel weird having said it to someone who didn't come back. But maybe it will help someone!

[smithy]

I'm sorry--I'm back! Was out all day yesterday and didn't get the chance to check in.

All very good advice that I will take, and good ideas on how to support her. I still haven't spoken to her this week. I texted her the other day but haven't heard back yet. I just want to give her some space. I know it is probably a different feeling for her minute to minute right now. The mutual friend and I are getting together with her this weekend. Still waiting for word on plans. I have expressed that I am here for her anytime, and really mean it. I will keep looking for little things I can do. I really like the idea of the notes. They are receiving dinners 3 nights a week from families in school from now until April, and they can extend that--there is no shortage of people willing to help. Our school community is fantastic in this regard.

Thanks again for the advice. I really appreciate the response and again, I am so, so sorry for your losses.

[manada]

I third everything said above....

And also - things that really helped us after our loss, in addition to the time people spent with us (which was, by far, the most important thing) was PRACTICAL help. Having people bring us food, send us takeout (or gift cards for delivery), come over and clean our kitchen while we were sitting frozen, pick us up extra kleenex and toilet paper -- that stuff was all super important for us, and really made a difference. I spent weeks after we lost our babies just sitting on the couch wrapped in a quilt while people came over. I was scared to go outside because of the triggers - so we didn't have any groceries, and I didn't have the energy to do anything around the house. Having support in just doing the little things at home was important, and not having to think - just pick up the phone and order delivery - was very helpful too.

[pixy0stix]

Feb 20, 2015 12:16:39 GMT -5 manada said:

And also - things that really helped us after our loss, in addition to the time people spent with us (which was, by far, the most important thing) was PRACTICAL help. Having people bring us food, send us takeout (or gift cards for delivery), come over and clean our kitchen while we were sitting frozen, pick us up extra kleenex and toilet paper -- that stuff was all super important for us, and really made a difference. 

OMG, the toilet paper. People had sent us so much... stuff... and when we ran out of toilet paper I just sat on the stairs and started hysterically giggling. (Whew, post loss emotions are no joke.) The last thing I wanted to do was go get toilet paper. Luckily, my bff delivered us some that day.

I'd like to reiterate that the mom (and probably the dad and really the whole family) may behave completely off the wall for a good while. Every single barrier in your brain is blown completely down. No filter, no stopping emotions, there is nothing there keeping you in check. Don't be surprised. Just keep reaching out, even if you don't get a response back.

[mommytoava]

I think all the advice you got is good, just be there for them. Listen if they want to talk, or if they just want to cry. I've found that a lot of people who were there at first have moved on and we feel so alone sometimes. There are some that are still helpful and supportive and my husband and I really appreciate that.

[heartpresidents]

I agree with everything above. Mostly, just keep reaching out even if you don't get a response. Let them know it's ok if they don't respond. They see your love and your messages but like others have said...the brain just doesn't function and sometimes you can't respond.

[flutterfly88]

Feb 21, 2015 10:31:52 GMT -5 heartpresidents said:

I agree with everything above. Mostly, just keep reaching out even if you don't get a response. Let them know it's ok if they don't respond. They see your love and your messages but like others have said...the brain just doesn't function and sometimes you can't respond.

I agree with this so much. After my loss, I just didn't have the energy to respond to people, and it was such a relief when people took the pressure of me needing to respond off my shoulders, but it was nice t know people cared and where there if I needed them. 

[girpipley]

I agreed with all of the above. We lost our twins just under two weeks ago. For me, I don't have the energy to reply to texts or messages, so know that if she isn't responding, she still is benefitting from your words.

Also- we need help with the house. We do have a cleaning service, but even still, the laundry is piling up, the floors are going unswept, etc. maybe you and a few friends could pay for a cleaning service for a few weeks, or just go offer to do some laundry, or whatever they need right now.

I think it's wonderful that you are asking us how you can help. So many of our friends are saying "let us know if you need anything" but what I need is for people to just pick something at do it. I don't have energy to direct anyone right now.

[mrswheelo]

I think pp have made excellent suggestions. Offer to help. Offer to listen. And don't be offended if she declines. Just knowing someone cares enough to want to help is a huge comfort. Even if she declines now, let her know it's an open offer in case she needs you later. Grieving over a child is a very difficult thing to navigate. It is so wonderful that you are reaching out here to find ways to help her.

[smithy]

Thanks again, everyone. I finally spoke to and saw the family yesterday when I brought home one of the kids from their girl scout meeting after school--I think helping out with that kind of stuff is key bc she doesn't want to be talking to a million people right now (her words). Our weekend plans fell through but from what I gathered she's not much in the mood for company, so I think that worked out for the better. She said what I expected, it's a different emotion minute to minute. I again let her know that I am here for any reason anytime (store run, cleaning, just sitting and listening, anything at all) and she was very appreciative and receptive.
Thanks again. My heart goes out to you all.

[MaiTaiBeth]

you are a good friend. Just keep on emailing every now and then letting her know you care and are there for her. If you can to things to help out like just showing up to shovel snow or have meals sent to them, there are companies that do that like honey baked ham. It will help to not have to think about what to cook it will just be there.

[girpipley]

Feb 24, 2015 9:22:39 GMT -5 smithy said:

Thanks again, everyone. I finally spoke to and saw the family yesterday when I brought home one of the kids from their girl scout meeting after school--I think helping out with that kind of stuff is key bc she doesn't want to be talking to a million people right now (her words). Our weekend plans fell through but from what I gathered she's not much in the mood for company, so I think that worked out for the better. She said what I expected, it's a different emotion minute to minute. I again let her know that I am here for any reason anytime (store run, cleaning, just sitting and listening, anything at all) and she was very appreciative and receptive.
Thanks again. My heart goes out to you all.

This is so great of you. I also wanted to suggest that care for her older child might be really what they need. We are two weeks out, and emotionally just can not handle our 4 year old full time right now. As much as we need some normal time with her, we also are just weak and find ourselves being short with her, we just don't have it right now.

Maybe just text and tell her you'd like to take her DD for the day, I'm sure she would really appreciate it, but might bot feel comfortable asking.

You're a great friend.

[abi]

Feb 24, 2015 9:32:43 GMT -5 MaiTaiBeth said:

you are a good friend. Just keep on emailing every now and then letting her know you care and are there for her. If you can to things to help out like just showing up to shovel snow or have meals sent to them, there are companies that do that like honey baked ham. It will help to not have to think about what to cook it will just be there.

Agreed. Keep reaching out even if it's nothing more than an text or an email, and don't stop. Parents who've lost a child wants to know that other people aren't forgetting even if it's been years.