Get ready to side eye me.

[esmerelda]

Feb 18, 2015 14:34:14 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

Feb 18, 2015 14:22:30 GMT -5 esmerelda said:

Just chiming in here, I love the idea of him taking a parenting class. Maybe even go with him? Not saying you need but it may make him feel better about going if you made it something you did together..

Also have you talked to your Ex about any of this? Is he aware there's someone serious in your life? How does he feel about the idea of him moving in? I know if it were me I'd want to meet the person living in a house with my child.

But no judgements from me I know you've taken the relationship slowly and cautiously.

Oh, I think everyone could use more with help/ techniques / coping skills when it comes to parenting-- I would totally go to one.

So far, my STBXH knows I am dating someone and that it's somewhat serious.  I know what you are saying-- if the situation were reversed, I would want to know the person living with my child as well.  I haven't quite thought as far ahead as to when / how would be a good time for introductions-- but, yes, it does have to happen sonner than later.

Yea I'd say have if your considering moving in especially before divorce I'd final Ex H should meet the new guy. Or at least tell him and ask if he wants to meet him so he can have some peice of mind.I wouldn't let him tell. You you can't move in but make sure he knows he's not being replaced and what not.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 18, 2015 14:34:57 GMT -5 tarheelmom said:

1. Absolutely no judgement here - that's great that you found someone so soon that is a perfect fit for you and Josie! It also sounds like you are pretty decided on moving in together, it's just the timing that you are questioning? I don't think you would even be considering moving in with him if you didn't believe he was the right guy for both of you.
 Correct-- we both want to move in together, but I am questioning timing.  He's more relaxed about it and only suggested May BC of the lease.
2. If it's only a month or two longer before you expect the divorce to be final, then I would wait those couple of months. Not knowing the legalities of your state, but if your STBXH had any vindictiveness, he might be able to use your co-living as leverage in custody arrangements, property division, child-support, alimony, etc. Technically you are still in a legal marriage even though you aren't living that way.
Yeah, I am concerned about this.  So far nothing has been contested and we are doing all of the paperwork on our own.  I live in a "no fault" state and we didn't own anything together.  I do get child support from him once a month.

 He knows I am dating someone but does not know we are talking about moving in together.
3. I think at Josie's age, moving in together will be less confusing than the few nights a week you are doing now. It'll be great for her to have that added stability of another constant person in her life.   This is a good point and not something I had considered, actually.

4. Does he know that you are OAD? Is he ok with not having any bio-kids? I only ask because I have a friend who divorced a few years ago and she had no desire to have any kids (she had two teenage step-kids) and that was ultimately a deal-breaker in a couple relationships with guys who didn't have any children as they got more serious.

He does know this-- he actually even knows I am part of an online group about being OaD- haha.  My OaDness is highly situational.  Like, once I was pretty sure I was going to get divorced (way before I even said the words out loud) I started to mentally prepare myself to be mom to an only.  It seemed like the most logical-- given my circumstances.  He actually does want a bio kid, but almost feels like the ship has sailed for him-and which has sort of gotten me all confused about my OaDness. We're both sort of "old"-- I will be 35 in a few weeks and he's 37, so I don't even know if it's something that would ever come to fruition.  

I don't know why I can't bold this paragraph!

Not trying to be a downer, just trying to help you look at it from all sides. But yay - so happy for you finding a great guy!

Not at all!

[sandandsea]

Feb 18, 2015 14:09:35 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

Feb 18, 2015 13:55:49 GMT -5 sandandsea said:

Honestly, I'd wait until the divorce was final. From a legal standpoint, I wouldn't want to risk anything because while it's all going okay now, you don't know if/when the bitter ex will mess up everything. Can BF move closer so you can see each other more until then? I don't really see any risk in waiting a little bit longer. I'm pretty risk-adverse though and grew up with bitterly divorced parents (who jumped at the chance to cause trouble for the other more than they should have).

Sadly-- me too.  Which is why I am sort of side eying myself.  I mean-- I said I would never in a million years be in this position-- and here I am.

I'm sorry.    But I'm so happy that it's going so well with BF!  That's great!  FWIW, BIL had his then GF with a baby move in and they got engaged before her divorce was final and they're super happy now 5+ years later.  There was a lot of side-eying going on at the time, but I think everyone's gotten over it (even their super conservative, traditional parents).

[eyenigh]

Feb 18, 2015 12:52:32 GMT -5 namastebiotches said:

Feb 18, 2015 12:46:23 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

It's possible, but not likely.

We said May because that is when his lease is up, but he has the option to extend for a month or two should need be.

Honestly, I'd wait for it to be finalized. Just to be safe & not face any ramifications from the Ex. I watch too much Lifetime & Dateline.

This. No side eye and I don't think it's a bad idea at all but I think it might just be way easier in the long run in case anything went weird with the divorce and your STBXH got some sand in his mussy and wanted to make a thing about you living with someone.

[BostonKisses]

The one problem that I can think of is would your STBXH be able to use this as ammo against you for any reason?

I don't have any issues with people moving in together when they're in a serious relationship. I personally feel like it would be better to wait until the divorce is finalized so you can eliminate any chances of him using this decision against you in a negative way, but ultimately it's going to be up to you if you want to do it now or stick it out a little longer until everything's filed and done.

[TheEleventhHour]

Feb 18, 2015 15:03:23 GMT -5 eyenigh said:

Feb 18, 2015 12:52:32 GMT -5 namastebiotches said:

Honestly, I'd wait for it to be finalized. Just to be safe & not face any ramifications from the Ex. I watch too much Lifetime & Dateline.

This. No side eye and I don't think it's a bad idea at all but I think it might just be way easier in the long run in case anything went weird with the divorce and your STBXH got some sand in his mussy and wanted to make a thing about you living with someone.

This! Admittedly I am a "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" person but even though STBXH is fine at the moment you can never be 100% sure how he'd react to SO moving in. I think being completely separated from him is just safer. STBXH may be rational in this moment but big life changes can make people act nuts (as witnessed when my parents got divorced when I was 19, they both did ridiculous out of character shit)!

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 18, 2015 15:09:17 GMT -5 BostonKisses said:

The one problem that I can think of is would your STBXH be able to use this as ammo against you for any reason?

I don't have any issues with people moving in together when they're in a serious relationship. I personally feel like it would be better to wait until the divorce is finalized so you can eliminate any chances of him using this decision against you in a negative way, but ultimately it's going to be up to you if you want to do it now or stick it out a little longer until everything's filed and done.

Right, I mean maybe to the bolded.

We aren't going thru the court, and don't have lawyers,  so most likely the "ammo" would be him just being a big fat jerk to me (which I don't need)

My gut says waiting is the right thing.

[stellabunny]

Feb 18, 2015 14:47:27 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

Feb 18, 2015 14:34:57 GMT -5 tarheelmom said:

1. Absolutely no judgement here - that's great that you found someone so soon that is a perfect fit for you and Josie! It also sounds like you are pretty decided on moving in together, it's just the timing that you are questioning? I don't think you would even be considering moving in with him if you didn't believe he was the right guy for both of you.
 Correct-- we both want to move in together, but I am questioning timing.  He's more relaxed about it and only suggested May BC of the lease.
2. If it's only a month or two longer before you expect the divorce to be final, then I would wait those couple of months. Not knowing the legalities of your state, but if your STBXH had any vindictiveness, he might be able to use your co-living as leverage in custody arrangements, property division, child-support, alimony, etc. Technically you are still in a legal marriage even though you aren't living that way.
Yeah, I am concerned about this.  So far nothing has been contested and we are doing all of the paperwork on our own.  I live in a "no fault" state and we didn't own anything together.  I do get child support from him once a month.

 He knows I am dating someone but does not know we are talking about moving in together.
3. I think at Josie's age, moving in together will be less confusing than the few nights a week you are doing now. It'll be great for her to have that added stability of another constant person in her life.   This is a good point and not something I had considered, actually.

4. Does he know that you are OAD? Is he ok with not having any bio-kids? I only ask because I have a friend who divorced a few years ago and she had no desire to have any kids (she had two teenage step-kids) and that was ultimately a deal-breaker in a couple relationships with guys who didn't have any children as they got more serious.

He does know this-- he actually even knows I am part of an online group about being OaD- haha.  My OaDness is highly situational.  Like, once I was pretty sure I was going to get divorced (way before I even said the words out loud) I started to mentally prepare myself to be mom to an only.  It seemed like the most logical-- given my circumstances.  He actually does want a bio kid, but almost feels like the ship has sailed for him-and which has sort of gotten me all confused about my OaDness. We're both sort of "old"-- I will be 35 in a few weeks and he's 37, so I don't even know if it's something that would ever come to fruition.  

I don't know why I can't bold this paragraph!

Not trying to be a downer, just trying to help you look at it from all sides. But yay - so happy for you finding a great guy!

Not at all!

To the bolded, italicized, underlined:I had DD at 34 (I'm 35 now) and DH turned 53 the month after she was born. So, just in my own personal experience, that ship never really sails for men who want (more) kids.

[helenahhandbasket]

LOL stellabunny and lildis.

No-- 35 isn't old, but obviously so so so much would have to happen for a baby to even be a real conversation at this point.

And 37 isn't old either, of course, but he's got a large group of similarly aged friends, all of whom are married, most of whom are done having kids, so I think he feels a little behind.

[stellabunny]

Feb 18, 2015 16:21:49 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

LOL stellabunny and lildis.

No-- 35 isn't old, but obviously so so so much would have to happen for a baby to even be a real conversation at this point.

And 37 isn't old either, of course, but he's got a large group of similarly aged friends, all of whom are married, most of whom are done having kids, so I think he feels a little behind.

Steve Martin just had his first child in 2012 at the age of 67.

[helenahhandbasket]

Ha! I didn't know that about Steve Martin-- amazing!

I think maybe he thinks for him 37 might be too old. I always sort of had 38 in my head (for some reason). Like, for me, anything after that would feel "too old", but might be the perfect age for someone else.

My dad was 46 when my half sister was born and my mom was 42 when my half brother was born. They both wound up getting re-married to people that are significantly younger then them and had no children prior.

[emmaswan]

No side eye from me. You guys have taken it slow and haven't pushed on Josie as far as accepting him as more than just a "friend". It sounds like a healthy relationship. I think the others above have given sound advice...have him stay over more, help out around the house, and maybe have him around a few times when Josie is acting up to see how he reacts to the situation, just to make sure he's not the fly-off-the-handle type.

[skategirl128]

No side eye from me! I would wait until the divorce was finalized though. I would take it slowly and adjust as you need to for Josie. I'm so glad things are working out for you though!

I'm in a blended situation since DSs bio dad passed and my SO lives here. He has been in our lives since before that occurred so DS already knew him. We did take it slow- he was my best friend for two years before he moved in a year ago. A lot of that time though was due to me grieving and I really didn't see him as anything more until about a year and a half ago.

We coparent but there isn't another parental figure in DSs life. We did start out slowly that way and I'm still the primary parent regardless. In our case we remain OAD due to medical issues.

I would have BF and STBXH meet soon. The smoother that process can be the better. You don't all have to be buddy buddy but it helps if everyone gets along.

[emarieme]

Lot of great advice and I don't have much to add. I echo others in that it may be best to wait until the divorce as final as to not fuel the fire with your ex.....but honeslty, go with your gut girl!

And congratulations on the relationship! Even in this post you sound happy and optimistic. So tell us, is he cute?

[Deleted]

I agree with PPs and was also thinking that him living with you vs him staying with you several nights/week probably isn't all that different to Josie. He's there a lot, he'll continue to be there a lot regardless of whether he moves in. GL!

[shakinros]

Lots of good advice already. I'm also in the "wait till divorce is final" camp. For reasons of custody and child support with your XH. Anything like this can be ammo for more custody time for him, which equals less child support (in my state. Not sure about yours.) I think you'd be better off finalizing all of that without the cohabitation being a factor.

It's awesome that XH is being rational and adult for now, but you can't be sure he'll stay that way. Also no way to know he won't go get a lawyer before your divorce is final. What if he doesn't like new guy or even the idea of new guy and doesn't want Josie living with him?

It could be totally fine of course, but it's way safer for you & Josie to finalize divorce and custody details first.

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 19, 2015 0:36:24 GMT -5 emarieme said:

Lot of great advice and I don't have much to add. I echo others in that it may be best to wait until the divorce as final as to not fuel the fire with your ex.....but honeslty, go with your gut girl!

And congratulations on the relationship! Even in this post you sound happy and optimistic. So tell us, is he cute?

Ha! I think he is!


And thanks for the advice everyone.  I already sort of knew what I was going to hear, but many of the responses solidified it for me.

I feel like I don't have a great grasp on what's apprpriate sometimes-- as mentioned before both of my parents (who are remarried to other people) were living with their significant others for years before their divorce was final-- which looking back on it was probably why I spent most of my childhood confused.  I have sort of learned that pretty much the complete opposite of the stuff they have done is probably the right answer--LOL.