Inlaws who are A-holes

[TJ]

Guys. My ILs are such jerks! It's mh's bday, and they came for his party today. They just took off in the middle of the night with no explanation and no goodbye. When mh called to find out where they were, FIL went off on mh, calling him condescending and rude. Nothing happened between them. There was no argument or disagreement or anything.

He made mh cry on his bday. And left the girls without saying goodbye. I'm so angry at them for hurting mh and my daughters.

Who else has asshole inlaws? Would you do anything in this situation?

[marshian]

Is this typical behavior for them? If not, I would reach out in a day or two (either you or your H) and ask if everything is okay. Maybe something else is going on and your FIL just took it out on your H rather than tell him what's really going on.

If this is par for the course, not sure anything you or H do will help since nothing precipitated them leaving (as far as you can tell). In that case, I would just wait it out.

That whole situation sucks.

[freezorburn]

Sorry your ILs are such jerks. Sounds like they needed to have the party be about them.

Not my in-laws, but my own parents have had a tendency to be narcissistic a-holes my whole life. (My mom wore white to my wedding. Who does that?) Oh, and I still have to talk to DS's dad regularly, so I know a bit about having to deal with people you would rather cut out.

It's all about boundaries. Easier said than done, I know. But I've been working on my boundaries with my parents for 20 years and it has gotten a bit easier with time. Took a long time for it to sink in, that it wasn't ok to treat me the way they did.

IME, establishing boundaries and getting others to respect them is often a work in progress.

[brandiewine11]

This is one case where I'd probably send a WTF email and let them know all about the consequences of their a-hole actions. Their behavior was childish and unacceptable. I'd probably also hold off on inviting them to anything in the near future.

This sounds like something my own family would do, rather than my in laws. I'm sorry for your H.

I hope he has an awesome birthday regardless.

[TJ]

I wouldn't have said that this was typical behavior of them. However, he has been treating SIL this way lately too. He's always been abrasive and pushy. But this seemed deliberately hurtful.

[mintyblueair]

That's so shitty of them. Totally childish and ridiculous.

I'd probably send a short text message or email to tell them that their behaviour at the party really hurt your husband's feelings and was completely uncalled for (or you could have your husband send it himself). I think it's important to let other people know when their behaviour is hurtful. I personally wouldn't say more than that, but I'd also not invite them to anything for a while and hope that they would offer a genuine apology to your husband. It does kind of sound like there might be something else going on for them and it's manifesting this way, but that's no excuse.

[critter015]

Wow, that sounds like something my ILs would do. I'm so sorry! I have no good advice. We're to the point where we only mess with them if absolutely necessary and with the idea that they are trying to screw us over in the back of our minds with every interaction.

[Crisco Salad]

Sounds a lot like my MIL. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with that, especially on his birthday.

MH asked my MIL to come over and hang out with him for the weekend when I was in Chicago because she always bitches that my parents get to hang out with them when I travel and not her. Well, she hadn't been at our house half a day and declared to MH that she was going to head home. Out of the blue, she had been planning to spend the night and everything but just took off around lunchtime. So bizarre.

[rainbowbridge14]

Hugs to your family TJ, that is really shitty that they did that. It definitely sounds like they made it about them and not YH which is awful on his birthday.

I don't have shitty IL's for the most part but my Dad and his third wife were prone to doing hurtful stuff like this. I had to put a lot of distance between us, including no contact for years because of their actions.

[MapleMe]

If this is new behavior for your FIL, could there be some health issue? Like beginning dementia or just he's hiding some diagnosis that he should really be sharing.

This also sounds like the dynamic between MIL and SIL. They've gone for stretches without talking and there will sometimes be some slight unnoticed by anyone else that results in MIL up and leaving early.

[TJ]

I did think of that MapleMe. But I really think it might be one of those things where he's just getting older and crankier and doesn't care to pretend to be polite anymore.

I mean, he doesn't really have a relationship with the girls anyway. He didn't even know how old they were. He only has 1 other grandchild, so it's not like it's complicated.

Currently mh says that he is done with them. I don't see that being the truth, but I think some time and distance would be a really good thing.

[pbandj714]

Oh my, TJ. I'm so sorry that your family has to deal with that. I was thinking something along the lines of what maple suggested. If it's just general assholery, that is plain appalling. I hope that your H (otherwise) had a nice bday!

[briarrose]

I am sorry that you are dealing with this!

My ILs majorly suck, but I actually kind of wish they would pull this so DH could decide to cut the cord. They are the people who overstay their welcome by a million years.

Anyways, hopefully your H had a good birthday and you guys can get this figured out.

[TJ]

Ok, cool. Then he called SIL and told her that we are awful parents who don't even talk to their kids. Bc we took them to a kid friendly event and let them run around and play with the other kids. Instead of forcing them to sit at the table. I'm over that family drama. Eff him.

[rugger]

☹️

[Crisco Salad]

I'm sorry TJ, you are an awesome mom. Eff him and his pot stirring and shit talking.

[dramaphile]

Ugh, so sorry you are dealing with this, it's so sad when a family member is so miserable that they have to lash out at others. I hope a break from them will bring you guys some peace. Disengaging has done wonders for my anxiety about my hose-beast SIL.