The guilt of being OAD

[ECB]

I have to talk this out because I feel like it's weighing on me more and more.

DH and I went through 5 years of IF before having DS.  5th IVF.  I was 38 when I had DS.  In that same time frame, DH went from being an attorney to working on tugboats.  So, big drop in $$ AND a weird schedule.  DH works 2 weeks on, 2 off.  When he's on, parenting falls 100% on me.  And this can be stressful.

So, the IF, my age, $$, and even my own temperament with being a mom (I am NOT a "I've always wanted to be a mom" person), we decided to be OAD.  On many levels, this feels right.

But.

Our immediately families are small.  We both have a brother, neither of which will have kids. So no immediate cousins.  DS is just a really awesome kid and I KNOW would be an awesome big brother. 

DH has a large extended family but they aren't local.  We do make a point, though, to visit one branch of the family twice a year (they are in NYC, 4 hours away).  They are having little ones now and DS adores all of them. 

We also live in a neighborhood w/ a ton of kids DSs age and he's made friends through preschool and K.  He's a happy, social, nice kid. 

But.

I seriously have been feeling guilty lately that we didn't at least TRY to have another kid.  And trust me, TRUST ME, I fully get that there are no guarantees of closeness.  My brother and I are a prime example of that.  But still - he's an only and doesn't even have any immediate cousins.

We're doing all we can to give him a robust life and connections to the extended family.

I also know about all the "what ifs".  What if kid #2 wasn't easy like DS is?  What if kid #2 had issues?  What if DS and #2 just simply don't get along?  Our financial situation would be impacted.  Probably couldn't travel as much.  The 2 weeks DH works would be even harder on me.

This is a brain dump. I realize.  but it's all the crap that is going through my brain at any given time.  I FEEL GUILTY that we didn't at least try to have a 2nd child.  I really think about the future.  We are older parents.  I do the "When DS is ___, I'll be ___" ALL the time.  I can only pray that I'll live a long, healthy life and DS has us around.  But when we are gone... will he have the family and friends that I SOOOO hope he has so that he never truly is alone? 

Again, a sibling is NO guarantee.  But it does up the chances of having at least that one person in your life that you can rely on.  KWIM?

And trust me, we ARE OAD.  That ship has sailed.  I'm 45.  No more kids will be forthcoming.

But dammit.  I just feel guilty. I want to own my decision but I'm having a hard time doing that right now.

[BostonKisses]

Sometimes it's hard not to feel guilty. I have moments when I still feel guilty about everything. And that's totally normal.

I will say, as an only that only has 2 cousins (so slightly different than your situation), only kids are great at forming relationships elsewhere. My cousins and I are close, but once they moved across the state when 2 of us were 10, we weren't able to see each other as often. I always had a few really close friends growing up that I used to do tons of things with, and had others to interact with in and out of school and all. Seeing family is great and all, but if it's not always possible because of distance, no cousins, whatever, other relationships can build into something very similar and hold just as much importance. Only difference is there isn't the blood element.

[helenahhandbasket]

These feelings are OK and understandable. I have them too, and can relate to a lot of your post (with the exception of the IF).

But $$, time, age, in the midst of a divorce and motherhood not coming easily to me are all reasons for the case of being OaD.

I would say to you (and to myself) to really, really work at looking at your life and thinking about all of the great things you have going on. Great friends? Great hubby? Great Kiddo? Good health? Nice home?

It's easy to get consumed with what ifs, but you are going to miss out on the present with your LO.

And hang out here with us more-- we will all tell you how great OaD is

[ECB]

Feb 19, 2015 12:06:00 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

And hang out here with us more-- we will all tell you how great OaD is

Oh, trust me, I do feel the benefits of being OAD.  That's the other aspect to this- there is a LOT of good about it.  I do see friends who juggle their 2 (or more) kids and I think "ahhh.... i only have to worry about one!". 

I do revel in the plus side too.

It's just that at times - I look at DS and think 'did we make the right choice for YOU?'.  I just want the best for him, which is why we really do make a lot of effort to fill his life with experiences and people. 

[stellabunny]

I understand what you're saying about being older parents and OAD. DD is 7 months old, I'm 35 and DH is 53 (no, I didn't transpose those numbers). I don't want DD to feel burdened to take care of me when I'm old and most likely widowed. She is going to have her own life to live. She has some cousins close by but like others have said, that's not necessarily a guarantee of closeness. What comforts me though is knowing that I can give her plenty of opportunities to socialize - through daycare, through school, through extracurricular activities, etc. and that she'll be able to build other close relationships even if they're not all blood. And also, I know most of us don't want to think of our kids growing up so fast, but by the time I die it's highly likely (although not guaranteed) that DD will be married and possibly have a family of her own to love her and support her.

So honestly, I think it would be really hard for an only child to not have strong connections somewhere that are as good or better than a sibling connection.

And yes to what helenahhandbasket said - definitely hang out with us more!

[helenahhandbasket]

Feb 19, 2015 12:43:00 GMT -5 ECB said:

Feb 19, 2015 12:06:00 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

And hang out here with us more-- we will all tell you how great OaD is

Oh, trust me, I do feel the benefits of being OAD.  That's the other aspect to this- there is a LOT of good about it.  I do see friends who juggle their 2 (or more) kids and I think "ahhh.... i only have to worry about one!". 

I do revel in the plus side too.

It's just that at times - I look at DS and think 'did we make the right choice for YOU?'.  I just want the best for him, which is why we really do make a lot of effort to fill his life with experiences and people. 

Awesome!

And I think a lot of the things we are consumed with when thinking about having a second (or a third) are things we think of that meet our needs.  They are things we think will fill us up.    It sounds like you are doing a really good job-- which is part of making great choices for him!

[TheEleventhHour]

I can understand where you are coming from. It can be difficult to feel sure what the right choices are in building a family. We are still fence sitting, though 99% likely to be OAD, and I have to remind myself that DS will be okay. I remember that some of my best relationships are not with relatives. You don't have to have a big family to have meaningful relationships.

Hugs! Feel free to brain dump anytime. We all need to do it sometimes!

[ECB]

Feb 19, 2015 12:47:43 GMT -5 TheEleventhHour said:

 I remember that some of my best relationships are not with relatives.

Yes, very much for DH and I too.  We have a good group of friends from college who are really like family in many ways.  So I DO know that side to it too. 

[tomorrowisanotherday]

My DH is an only and he has more good, close friends from all different stages of his life than any person I have ever met. He is not super close with his immediate family, but is very close with some of his extended family. He also has me and DS now that he loves to pieces. He thinks his life is full and happy and that is actually part of the reason he wants us to be OaD. I know it's anecdotal, but hopefully it makes you feel better!

[penguin129]

I think all pp's did a great job supporting you. I don't have much to add, but wanted to say I'm thinking of you. My dh worries about not giving DD siblings, so I know where you are coming from. Stick around and hang out with us.

[emmaswan]

I understand where you're coming from. I have PCOS and it took over a year to conceive DD. Rough pregnancy/bad L&D experience, health issues, money problems, and other stuff and STBXH and I decided we were OAD. DD is six now and wants a baby brother or sister so badly and would be a wonderful sister...but now I'm single, still have health issues, and I'm about to turn 35. Doing the math, by the time I meet someone, date, get engaged, get married, and then go through the TTC process again I'll likely be in my 40s, and DD will be almost in high school. Not sure I want to start over again at that point.

[ECB]

Thank you all. I appreciate the words of support and experience.

[homebrewgirl]

I have similar feelings of guilt, I think it's very common among OAD. But we are all doing what our situations allow and what is best for our families.
Others said everything more eloquently, but I wanted to offer support and hugs.

[chapter79]

Everyone said what I was thinking, so nothing big to add.. but yes, hang around! And hugs to you.
Life is a BIG "what if" pool. In EVERY single decision we make in life, there's always the other side. Some of these choices/decisions are just bigger ones.
Even if we are SOLID OAD by choice girls here, I think we have gone through periods where we said "but what if...?" because I think it's normal.

My daughter is almost 9 and only has one cousin.... and she lives in Holland, we live in NY. She hasn't even met her yet- and age span is pretty big (almost 9 vs 9 months). I have 2 brothers, neither local. One just married. The other married a few years and no kiddos yet. So even if they HAVE kids, my daughter will likely be over 10 years old. She will never have family close to her in age.

BUT she has the best friend in the world! She met her in grade K and now they are in 3rd grade and so amazingly close. In fact, yesterday (winter break) she spent 7 hours at her house. I have confidence that she'll get her close friends this way. And sometimes, these relationships are just as close as blood.

[tonksy]

Feb 20, 2015 11:43:01 GMT -5 chapter79 said:

Everyone said what I was thinking, so nothing big to add.. but yes, hang around! And hugs to you.
Life is a BIG "what if" pool. In EVERY single decision we make in life, there's always the other side. Some of these choices/decisions are just bigger ones.
Even if we are SOLID OAD by choice girls here, I think we have gone through periods where we said "but what if...?" because I think it's normal.

My daughter is almost 9 and only has one cousin.... and she lives in Holland, we live in NY. She hasn't even met her yet- and age span is pretty big (almost 9 vs 9 months). I have 2 brothers, neither local. One just married. The other married a few years and no kiddos yet. So even if they HAVE kids, my daughter will likely be over 10 years old. She will never have family close to her in age.

BUT she has the best friend in the world! She met her in grade K and now they are in 3rd grade and so amazingly close. In fact, yesterday (winter break) she spent 7 hours at her house. I have confidence that she'll get her close friends this way. And sometimes, these relationships are just as close as blood.

this! K only has 2 cousins, and a slightly larger pool of 2nd cousins that don't live near her. My brother is done, DH's sister doesn't plan to have kids unless something drastically happens in the next 2 years (37 and single), and his 1/2 brother and sister are 16 and 21 respectively. no kids for likely 10 years there.

she and her friends all refer to each other as "sister". she refers to her two cousins as sister cousin and brother cousin.  I met my best friend in kindergarten and I can't imagine life without her. I love my brother, but she is always the first person I call when something happens. always. we are tighter than blood.

Family is what you make it.

[mrsbeachcat]

My mom was diagnosed at 28 with a really aggressive form of breast cancer right after I was born, so my family was OAD because of that. She ended up living until right after I turned 18 and we were like, Gilmore Girls close. My dad also ended up dying of cancer a few years ago when I was 29. I've talked about before how much I loved being an only child but I think a lot of parents worry about how their adult child will fare once they're gone, but I'm here to tell you that even after losing both my parents at a relatively young age, I STILL love being an only. I have extremely close relationships with friends and have never felt cheated out of a sibling relationship. The thing I like most about myself (my independence) I attribute to being an only and it's one of the reasons my SO and I will be OAD. Don't be so hard on yourself! I hope your guilt doesn't last long!

[adinashoshana]

(((hugs))) ECB

I feel like i could have written (most of) that myself. DD just turned a year and MH really wants another but for many of the reasons you and PP mentioned, I am 99.999999999% done. Sometimes it feels selfish on my part and I love having my siblings. But then I remember how important my reasons are and that having another because it seems unfair not to is not a good reason (for me) to have a second child.

[tonksy]

Thank you for sharing mrsbeachcat. It means so much to hear from adult onlies. I am sorry for the early loss of your parents in your life.