what's Fair When it Comes to Names?

[rachydc]

Please excuse my lack of avatar and Sig. I'll get that set up asap

Anyhoo, how did you guys decide on middle names? I only ask this because it's been creating some tension between my DH and I. His mother passed away 2 years ago (Nancy) and his grandmother passed away last week (Patricia) he would really like to incorporate one of their names as a middle name if we have a girl and got some pressure from his father to also consider the names. The problem is, I would also like some say and family name as well. My grandmother's were a huge influence in my life and I'd like to honor them just as much.

I know it sounds bratty but Nancy and Patricia are really hard to make "flow" as middle names. Especially when Athena is a front runner girl name and our last name is extemely Italian. I didn't think he'd care so much. Is it terrible to pull rank on this because I'm the one carrying and pushing the baby out?! Haha

Am I being selfish? Have any of you guys run into this problem? It sucks!

[petrichor14]

Hmm, I agree those are tough to work in as middle names. Do his mother or grandmother have middle names that might work better? Would that be enough of a compromise?

It'll be difficult to impossible to work in family names from both your sides, plus another unrelated name that you guys like as a first name. So somebody isn't going to get what they want. Are you guys planning to have more kids? Could you go with one side of the family for this one and plan to go with the other next time (there would be no guarantee you'd have another girl, of course.)

Maybe he (and his father) will be a little more open to compromise in a few months when the grandmother's death isn't so present on everyone's mind. Ultimately it's up to you two, no one else. But you're going to have to find something you're both happy with, or happy enough with.

[rachydc]

Honestl cornpop311, none of my family names or his would "flow" but if I were to suggest using a different, non-family name, I feel DH would hold it against me because he's so sensitive about this issue. Seems like the only fair solution though. Maybe I'll have a boy and all this will be moot point! Haha

[kristhegirl]

It's between you and your husband, so FIL can quietly keep his opinion to himself. There are important people on both sides that you want to honor; I'd be making lists of first names with all the possible middle names to see what both of us like the most. If you can't come to an agreement, no family names - no one is required to have a baby named after them, that's certainly not the only way to honor the dearly departed.

[tiamiaxx]

I think leaving it for a bit would definitely help. We've considered 2 middle names because we both really want family names too but I don't think our ones look good together. It also reminds me of my best friend (only girl with 7 brothers until another girl came along 16 yrs later). She has 4 middle names because they wanted to fit so many names in haha. her youngest sister has one middle name. I think its awesome anyway but it just reminds me of that.

[wineandcake]

I vote meaning trumps flow. Do you plan on having more children? We compromised on names for the first and will use the others we wanted for the second.

With our son, DH wanted to use a family name from his side so we did for the first name, middle name is my dads name - DH loved it because him and Mac are named after the same person (his great grandpa was Iain McKinnon LastName, DH is Iain DS is McKinnon).

If This baby is a boy, we are using a family name from my side as first name (my moms maiden name so we can honour my mom and grandma) and DH's grandads first name as a middle name. If we have a girl, first name will just be a random name we like and my sisters name as a middle name (she passed away 4.5yrs ago).

[ashiscute]

I think meaning trumps flow so I'm much more concerned with having a middle name that means something to me than that sounds good.

If my MIL had passed and DH wanted to honor her I would respect that. Because if it were the other way I would want my mother honored. Is there a reason you can't honor his family this time and yours next?

I think Athena Patricia is lovely. And there is a whole board for baby names here where you can ask this as well.

[babymakes5]

We used my great grandmother's first name as DD1's middle name. If we have another girl this time, we *might* use his grandmother's first name as her middle name, but DH isn't set on it - it's just kind of a "if it sounds good" thing. If we have a boy, we aren't using any family names because we don't like any of the ones we have!

I agree with above ladies that Athena Patricia isn't bad at all! And maybe one of their middle names would suffice?

[CALEO]

I think you should come to agreement together.

Dh and I made a list of all possible names, nothing was off the table, then we narrowed it down to our favorites. Our girls name is not anyone's family names. The boys name is a combo of his moms maiden and my moms maiden.

It would have been hard to honor just one side of the family.

[petrichor14]

Something else to consider: assuming you took your DH's last name and the kid is going to get that name, you're already honoring his side of the family. Maybe not the specific people you'd be wanting to honor, but he can't say his side of the family isn't represented. I think you could make an argument for the middle name coming from your side, out of fairness, if you guys aren't able to find a better compromise.

[mischiefmama]

We named DS after his great grandfather, without using the same name. Have you thought of some similar names you like that you could compromise with? Great grandfather had an old fashioned not cool now name and we used a modern, similar name and told everyone it was a namesake. Went over very well with the ILs, though we didn't have any pressure I was aware of.

[mehlaknee]

Oh man. That's tough. I kinda feel your pain though...maybe it will be a boy!! I don't even know how to navigate our own situation..

This is the first baby on my side. I'm an only child. However. My husbands side has a few grandkids already. Ones first name is actually named after my FIL..
My struggle is that I did not get along with his mother and she passed in August...part of me thinks the nice thing would be having a girls middle name be Christina, for her. But I hate the idea of it because we legitimately did not have a good relationship and I would hate that reminder...plus. What about my mom?

I think I'm pulling the "first grand baby in my side" card...and going with Emerson Eileen instead of Emerson Christina. And if it's a boy its def my dads name as his middle!
Probably will piss people off but I don't care...

[rachydc]

Thanks guys, your replies have been so helpful!! I think I'm gonna let things simmer for a bit. we still have awhile to go, so I think revisiting in a few months is a good idea

[yelah250]

This is why my daughter has 2 middle names

[Tgrrl]

That is a tough spot to be in. I completely understand. I personally feel the last name is honoring his side. Luckily we had agreed on names a long time ago & I chose a name that was meaningful to us, but did not honor either side. Like pp said, naming doesn't have to be the only way to honor. This is a decision for you & DH.

[ahsile]

We got so lucky that we had the same names on both sides in our familes.
DD's mn is the same as my stepmother and DH's deceased grandma.

For this kid we had a mn picked out for a girl that is also the mn of my grandma and his other deceased grandma. For a boy the mn would have been the same as my dads fn and his dads mn.

I think flow is as important as honoring relatives though. The child will have to live with that name forever. For that reason I think it's important to compromise. Have you looked at either of those relative's middle names as a possibility yet?

[bkml]

Not sure if this helps but I come from a very Italian family. My parents came here in the 60's. Italians before generally didn't give their children middle names. They were names via tradition. First born son named after the husband's father, second born son was named after the wife's father. First born daughter was named after the husband's mother etc. We decided to not follow this tradition because my husband does not come from Italian decent (and his father's name makes me cringe).

Anyway if we have a girl we decided not to give her a middle name because I don't have a middle name. If we have a son he will have my husband's middle name.

If you need an excuse..you can always tell them that Italian's traditionally don't have middle names. Not sure how that will go but its worth a try. If not..if you like Athena as the first name, I would say Patricia works better as a middle name. It flows a little bit better than Athena Nancy .. (eek)

[andindria]

I know the feeling, DH and I are struggling on choosing names. With his mother and father passed. My mother passed we decided to not name after anyone immediate. I chose DS's name of Christopher Michael. Michael being named after my brother who passed. He was only four so he got priority over any other family name in my book and DH didn't complain. I think I'm probably going to allow DH to name this one as the fourth in his line. He didn't question me on Chris's name. I'm not going to question him as he at least gets dad and grandfather in one shot.