Do You Sleep In the Same Bed As S/O?

[MissMusic]

Poll time! 
(Or better yet, Pole time!)

LSS, I asked DH if he would consider sleeping in a different room than me at night.
TLDR: I don't want to sleep in the same room as DH, so give me your insight.

Basically, I already have sleep issues originating back to my late teen years, and sometimes its better than others.  It has NOT been good lately.  Anywho, DH's sleep habits and snoring have disrupted 2 nights of much-needed sleep in the last 2 weeks, and I'm borderline functional as it  is.  I go long stretches while barely sleeping, and then my body just calls it quits and I sleep like, 15 hrs.  On both those nights when I ACTUALLY stayed asleep, DH woke me up and everything reset for me.  I'm frustrated as f$#k and I can't keep doing this.

DH has apnea so bad that if he falls asleep downstairs, I can hear him through the floor upstairs.  Its THAT bad.  He wears a CPAP, but he doesn't keep up with maintenance so it doesn't fit right.  Some nights it falls off and he's snoring, some nights its loose and it makes a very loud whoooooshing sound, some nights its not placed properly and it whistles. And ON SOME HELLISH NIGHTS, he wakes up at like 3am, thinks its 7am, pulls the CPAP off and some some fucking reason GOES BACK TO SLEEP.

I'm completely over it and want him out of the goddamned bedroom.

He's kind of mad about it (he'd be sleeping in the guest room), but I don't know what the hell else to do at this point.  The CPAP issues have been going on since last summer, and he's still lazy about it. 

Do you sleep in the same room as you S/O?  If you do not, I'm guessing it doesn't affect your relationship or intimacy?  Clue me in.

[britbratjf]

I sleep in the same bed but if he snores or had issues like that I would want separate rooms. I'm a light sleeper and when he does occasionally snore I wake up & have to kick him so he'll turn over & stop. I couldn't live with it.

[mommymadness]

I sleep with hubs and enjoy it but do what you have to, to get sleep!! I mean lack of sleep affects how you function during the day and the mood you will be in. I would say if you are in separate rooms and getting good sleep, you will be happier during the day and maybe more open to intimacy than if your not sleeping and tired/grumpy!

[mightybee]

I haven't slept in the same bed as H for 10 weeks because I'm choosing to sleep with the baby in a separate part of the house so as not to disturb D. I am starting to miss sleeping in the same bed as him. I enjoy that intimacy, but neither of us bother the other too much overnight.

If it's affecting your QOL, sleeping in separate beds would be worth a try, IMO. Are you cuddlers in general? You could get cuddle time in before going to bed.

[stegasaurus]

How was he sleeping when the CPAP was new and fit him properly? Does the idea of separate sleeping arrangements motivate him to fix it at all? I'd want to try everything to be able to stay in the same bed, but you have to draw the line somewhere in order to get the rest you need.

[babywinks]

We sleep in the same bed but I don't have sleep issues. I am very lucky. Also DH only snores when he drinks too much and that is rare so no issue there. I do get up at least 3-4 times a night with one kid or the other so if I came back to a bed hog or loud snorer, we would not be sharing a bed. We rarely have ST right before bed - we try to work it in right right after kids go to bed so we aren't tired, so I don't think it would impact that for us.

[jfresh]

We sleep in the same bed although maybe 1-2 times a week one of us ends up on the couch because of his snoring. Jessie and her husband sleep in separate beds. They both prefer it that way. I am obviously not in the know with how it affects their intimacy but it seems to work for them.

[rollerrink]

That sounds like it would be so frustrating! We're in the same bed, but neither of us have sleep issues. If DH had issues like your H, I'd want to give separate rooms a shot, but I also have some of the same questions stegasaurus asked.

[USCgirl]

MissMusic, I totally feel your pain! My H just got a CPAP this past year and granted it's the latest and greatest, it still has issues with getting loose and I hear the dang whistle of air that drives me nuts. Now, I must say, it is much quieter now than ever before because it keeps the snoring at bay most nights when it is worn properly, but that is pretty rare.

Just want to commiserate with you and let you know that you are not being mean by asking him to sleep in another room. Like you, I also suffer from insomnia and can't sleep most nights, so having an H that snores with apnea just sucks! I hope he tries to understand the bigger picture and at least for the time being, decides to try the guest room sleeping arrangement to see how that goes. Maybe getting a better CPAP setup might help too? Sorry you are in this situation!

[nursedesi]

We sleep in the same bed most of the time. When hes working 12hr shifts most of the time he falls asleep with Henry watching tv before bed while I'm getting Logan to sleep. If hes asleep I just leave him there and he usually comes to bed at some point in the night. We bedshare with Logan in the middle cuddled up to me, so we don't cuddle. I'm not a cuddler while I sleep anyways.

When one of us was working the opposite shift we obviously wouldnt sleep in the bed together because we were sleeping at different times. You can still have an intimate relationship if you dont sleep in the same bed. Yeah its not the norm, but you have to do whats best for both of you.

And yes, he for sure needs to get ontop of the cpap maintenance!

[pegleg715]

Bed time is about the only time h and I get to spend together. We do sleep in the same room. I can honestly see why Your H would be mad. I would feel like roommates at that point. I have insomnia, and it's a million times worse when I'm pregnant so h is just careful when he gets up and I by some miracle am asleep that he doesn't wake me.
I don't know much about the cpap machine and Im all for sleep but I think if you want to sleep in different rooms you have to be the one to go to the guest room. Not kick h out. And maybe make it temporary and hope you can fix some of the issues.

[bantyrooster]

Get the cpap fixed, for you and his health. Can you wear earplugs? I know people who sleep in seperate beds, but it would be a very last resort for me.

[MissMusic]

Thanks for the input!

Yeah, I don't blame him for being a little mad. He is a night owl and I like to try to sleep early, so we usually don't go to bed together, ever. I asked him to use the guest room because it faces the street, and he sleeps like a rock. Our bedroom faces the back of the house with newer windows, so its both quieter and darker in the morning. Same size bed in both rooms.

I just don't know what else to do! I know separate beds works for some people, I just wanted to see how common it was. If he could just keep up with the damn CPAP we wouldn't be here, ARGH!

[bantyrooster]

Mar 1, 2015 22:22:15 GMT -5 MissMusic said:

Thanks for the input!

Yeah, I don't blame him for being a little mad. He is a night owl and I like to try to sleep early, so we usually don't go to bed together, ever. I asked him to use the guest room because it faces the street, and he sleeps like a rock. Our bedroom faces the back of the house with newer windows, so its both quieter and darker in the morning. Same size bed in both rooms.

I just don't know what else to do! I know separate beds works for some people, I just wanted to see how common it was. If he could just keep up with the damn CPAP we wouldn't be here, ARGH!

If the cpap maintenance fixes it then he needs to do that. I couldn't sleep next to an ill fitting cpap and I don't have sleep issues. Some peoples whistle so loud! On a sad note I have so many wives who say they can't sleep right after their husbands die because the white noise of the cpap is gone so sad yet so sweet.

[aimeefarrahfowler]

kinda like mightybee - I slept on the couch with T in the PNP for 8-10ish weeks when he was a NB because it was easier on everyone.

That aside, I'm a nightowl and he needs his sleep so it's common for him to go to bed around 10ish and me to stay up late or fall asleep on the couch and come up around 12 or not at all if I stay there all night.

It bothered him a lot at first and he would get up to bed and passive-aggressively text message me about coming to bed with him. Now he seems to accept that I need my time.

My parents had their own rooms my whole life growing up because both worked odd hours + snoring issues on both sides, they slept better that way and it seemed totally normal and fine to me.

[somethingcleverer]

We sleep separate because H's snoring is awful. I'm a light sleeper and cannot sleep next to him snoring like that. Right now he sleeps on the couch because it reclines and he's sleeping better like that. He's hoping getting a bigger bed and a cpap might allow us to share a bed again. I think your H shod sleep in the other room if he's not maintaining his machine.

H likes to "remember" how we shared a bed when we were dating but I have to remind him how I would wake up at 2 am every night and move to the spare room.

[mightythorgi]

During the most recent bout of illness I booted H to the couch. He's been back in bed for a week and it's either sheer exhaustion or the OB-okayed unisom that has allowed me to sleep in spite of his snoring.
The snoring is usually worsened by a) too many beers or b) not getting enough exercise. I am gently trying to get him to go to the gym but I realize that this might be a life goal for when we do not have young children.
As far as affecting intimacy and the relationship in general I feel like it will just have to get better in the future perhaps coinciding with both of us having time to exercise more and take better care of ourselves.

I also have a friend who sleeps separately from her H and it works for them.

[roo1582]

We sleep in the same bed, but we go to bed at different times. I tend to be a heavier sleeper, and I go to bed earlier. He usually falls asleep on the couch and then at some point in the middle of the night drags himself upstairs. I usually sleep through all that but sometimes him getting changed and into bed wakes me up. He's not a big snorer (thank god!), but he has been doing it more recently. I think its because he's been so tired thanks to the two kids and doing lots of work. On the nights his snoring is loud, I usually just poke/hit him and he wakes up. Either he rolls over and the snoring isn't so bad or he stays awake long enough for me to fall back asleep before he starts snoring again.

[jennmm]

I do but I would sleep better if I did not. Unfortunately, there is no alternative other than the couch. I have slept on the couch before when his snoring is really bad. DH's aunt and uncle do not share a bedroom and haven't for years due to health issues. They have 3 kids and seem perfectly happy.

[laurski81]

We do share a bed but I have made my way down to the couch several times because I can't handle his snoring. Especially now that I am uncomfortable and having a hard enough time sleeping as it is. Now that there is an extra bed in Henry's room (we got him bunk beds), I can see myself climbing up there (after I have this baby, there is no way I could get up and down from there now) and sleeping up there for the night.

[xanthepants]

We do a mix of both. I'm on meds to help my anxiety at night. I'm a light sleeper and once awake I stay awake and worry all night long. I concentrate on his snoring and never go back to sleep. So that sucked. So the meds help that slightly. He will sleep downstairs in another bedroom if he drinks (he snores worse) or if I have a migraine or just had a migraine because I need to sleep. So that is usually a few nights a week. I will go out on the couch if I get frustrated and can't sleep from the noise as well. I have a sound machine to cover him up slightly. I tried ear plugs. Didn't work. It's all frustrating. I don't have any great ideas. It has definitely affected intimacy so I don't know what to tell you there. We are trying really hard to make sure that weekends we try to sleep in the same room if at all possible.

[trixi282]

On a normal basis, yes we do sleep in the same room, and same bed.

After moving in with IL's H was sleeping in the basement a lot to let me get better sleep/more rest because with the new bed, his snoring, and me being pregnant I was getting shit for sleep.  He graciously offered to sleep on the couch a few nights a week so I would not be so tired and uncomfortable.

That said, although he snores and I punch him MOTN to stop at times, I can usually still sleep fairly well.  He was supposed to do a sleep study in VA, but cancelled it the night before - which really pissed me off....

His dad has sleep apnea, and I remember years ago being able to hear his snoring in the LR below IL's bedroom.  His parents (before we moved in) would occasionally sleep in separate rooms, but his dad actually does use his CPAP and it works wonders as long as you maintain it....

Slap him silly and make him use the CPAP properly, the more he uses it and does so correctly, the less he'll wake up at random times and disturb you as well!

[sarahandeddie]

DH and I do most of the time, but we didn't for almost 2 years.

I bedshared with DD#1 and DH was nervous about being in the same bed so he slept in the guest room. He is very jumpy in his sleep and has occasional night terrors (he's an Iraq vet) so it was safer that way. We continued with him in the guest room when Avery was born and I had recovered from my c/s.

When we moved we lost a bedroom so we now sleep together most nights. The biggest issue we have is DH gets off work at 2am and usually wants to watch tv when he gets home. It drives me crazy! He often falls asleep on the couch and stays there until the girls and I are up for the day.

Sleeping separately did not change our level of intimacy. We would spend time together before going to sleep.

My grandparents are about to celebrate their 60th anniversary and have had separate bedrooms for 30+ years. They are still madly in love. My other grandparents (both deceased) were married for over 50 years and also had separate rooms. My grandma told me that they were still intimate (I was so grossed out - lol) so it didn't have a negative impact for them either.