Today sucked. (vent)

[mrsbuttinski]

Mar 9, 2015 17:40:38 GMT -5 akafred said:

Some images I found on another forum and plan to introduce:





Hope the images work.

That looks "borrowed" from this author-


www.5pointscale.com/books_links.htm

These books are fabulous for kids on spectrum or with adult-sized anxiety.


www.5pointscale.com/books_links.htm

A 5 Could Make me lose control is the one intended for younger kids. It allows a parent or professional to individualize the book to the child's unique worries, fears and triggers.

[funchicken]

Another thing re: deliberate sabotage vs. unintentional environmental sabotage (e.g. by siblings, friends, etc). If it's something that I "screw up" like forgetting to buy waffles, I take the brunt of DD1's displeasure instead of DD2 or a classmate or Grandma.

[akafred]

Mar 10, 2015 7:20:30 GMT -5 mrsbuttinski said:

Mar 9, 2015 17:40:38 GMT -5 akafred said:

Some images I found on another forum and plan to introduce:





Hope the images work.

That looks "borrowed" from this author-


www.5pointscale.com/books_links.htm

These books are fabulous for kids on spectrum or with adult-sized anxiety.


www.5pointscale.com/books_links.htm

A 5 Could Make me lose control is the one intended for younger kids. It allows a parent or professional to individualize the book to the child's unique worries, fears and triggers.

Thanks for posting that book. The "Problem Size-O-Matic" may well have come from that book. I Googled for both images and couldn't find the source so I just screen lifted them from the other forum lol. But I thought they might fit the situation.

[mamaturtle]

Mar 10, 2015 7:14:46 GMT -5 mrsbuttinski said:

Mar 9, 2015 20:18:24 GMT -5 funchicken said:

Exactly A lot of times the rigidity stems from anxiety, and by always having the MLP plate clean and available you are reinforcing the idea that she is only okay if she has the MLP plate. You help her work through that, and then use that to help scaffold another situation. You say things like, "remember when the MLP plate was dirty, and you had to use a different plate? You were upset but you calmed down." 

I would say rigidity is always a function of anxiety.

These are great examples. Other things you can do are letting preferred clothing go unwashed, running out of favorite foods, changing up chores or the usual seating at dinner, etc.

Parents accommodate a lot more than we realize says the woman who never once ran out of Leggo Toaster waffles even once between 1994 and July 1999. The bigger piece to this is that when you always  accommodate to avoid the meltdown it's a no confidence vote. It's telling your child that you believe in your heart that he is too impaired to be OK if he has to have pancakes for breakfast. If he doesn't think you think s/he can get to be OK with those pancakes (or wearing something other than the pink MLP tee to school), he won't believe he can either. Fake it 'til they make it.

We did the shirt thing with DS because he always wanted to wear the Lightning McQueen Shirt. Once it got dirty, I did not wash it until the weekend. PITA to have to wash a shirt every single day and I wasn't going to buy 7 Lightning McQueen shirts.

[mrsbuttinski]

mamaturtle

Good call. It'll help him become more resilient. Plus, as kids get older wearing the same shirt every day can be stigmatizing. It's easier to foster true inclusion when peers can relate to a child being "like them".

[leroybrown]

We have meltdowns if Rainbow Dash is dirty. I finally stopped washing it because I was sick of it. She's gotten better with that particular thing, but it seems like her attention is always redirected at another shirt or object and we start the cycle over.

[mrsbuttinski]

Mar 10, 2015 8:58:59 GMT -5 leroybrown said:

We have meltdowns if Rainbow Dash is dirty. I finally stopped washing it because I was sick of it. She's gotten better with that particular thing, but it seems like her attention is always redirected at another shirt or object and we start the cycle over.

DS started out as a serial monogamist around special interests. We played wack-a-mole around this issue for quite some time. Eventually, he became a pretty well rounded individual.

[olivegoose]

Here's a situation we deal with a lot, maybe someone will have some ideas.

DD's "thing" is cars. It has been for a long time. She lines them up, sorts, organizes, and has imaginary play with them. Of course, DS loves cars. She's absorbed his cars into her collection (or she tries to, I take them back for him) and freaks out if he touches any of them after she's arranged them. It's their #1 issue. He loves when she is at school and he will take all of the cars into the kitchen and roll them on the vinyl floor.

Any ideas on how to help her be less rigid about them?

[KC thepouchh8r]

Mar 10, 2015 13:58:11 GMT -5 olivegoose said:

Here's a situation we deal with a lot, maybe someone will have some ideas.

DD's "thing" is cars. It has been for a long time. She lines them up, sorts, organizes, and has imaginary play with them. Of course, DS loves cars. She's absorbed his cars into her collection (or she tries to, I take them back for him) and freaks out if he touches any of them after she's arranged them. It's their #1 issue. He loves when she is at school and he will take all of the cars into the kitchen and roll them on the vinyl floor.

Any ideas on how to help her be less rigid about them?

What does she do if you come and ask to join? I would gradually start butting into her play and trying to break up the repetitiveness.

[hopecounts]

either intentional sabotage (messing her arrangments up, sorry DD I need to clean here/we need to pick up/whatever excuse, keep giving DS back his cars, and so on)
or remove them if she is that rigid around them you may have to go cold turkey and put them away for a while, which isn't exactly fair to DS but maybe he could have access while she is not around.

[KC thepouchh8r]

I think intentional sabotage is great and we use it a lot but just make sure you go slow. It can backfire and then your kid won't want to interact with you during play at all. Obviously the big picture goal is your child plays with a wide variety of toys creatively in a non repetitive fashion both alone and with others. Start slow and work your way up if this is new.

[BostonKisses]

Mar 9, 2015 14:50:34 GMT -5 mack said:

When Kenz gets to meltdown stage, the less I say the better. Everything I say will just make her more distraught. Usually, I make sure she is in a safe space and leave her alone. She cannot get control of herself with me there. Or I just pat her head.

Also, for her everything must be fair. So I learn to anticipate where we are going to encounter problems. We get two of everything. I am talking, like if we get a two donuts, we get two bags. If there is something big like that, then I will try and discuss it in advance with her or point out where she has an equal toy, etc.

She has the brain of a 5 year old, but she rationalizes like a 3 year old. I just try to remember that all though her intellectual brain is beyond her peers, her emotional brain is not. So I have to approach things like I am dealing with a three year old.

I'm late to respond to the thread, but I wanted to say that this is what I've been doing lately as well.  I thought we got extremely lucky with age 2 because Judith didn't have the typical tantrums and meltdowns that a NT 2 would have.  Boy, am I paying for it now!  Her tantrums and rationalizations are more on par with a 2-3 year old, and when she loses her shit, she REALLY loses her shit.  In the middle of a massive tantrum, I just let her do her thing and don't say a lot, but will sit there and periodically do/say something soothing.  Or, if it's really bad and I feel myself getting ready to yell or argue back, I walk away until she calms herself down and we can talk/work through it.

With the emotional and rationalization part, I quickly realized that she really is behind with this, as you can see with my above paragraph.  She really does have a good intellectual grasp of concepts that's pretty much on par with any other 4, and some things she's even beyond where a 4 would be, but she just doesn't rationalize like a 4.  I've found myself employing techniques that many of my friends used a year or 2 ago to deal with their NT kids.

[olivegoose]

Mar 10, 2015 14:45:58 GMT -5 KC thepouchh8r said:

Mar 10, 2015 13:58:11 GMT -5 olivegoose said:

Here's a situation we deal with a lot, maybe someone will have some ideas.

DD's "thing" is cars. It has been for a long time. She lines them up, sorts, organizes, and has imaginary play with them. Of course, DS loves cars. She's absorbed his cars into her collection (or she tries to, I take them back for him) and freaks out if he touches any of them after she's arranged them. It's their #1 issue. He loves when she is at school and he will take all of the cars into the kitchen and roll them on the vinyl floor.

Any ideas on how to help her be less rigid about them?

What does she do if you come and ask to join? I would gradually start butting into her play and trying to break up the repetitiveness.

She loves if I play with her... But only if I do what she wants me to do. We sabotage her with that often but it hasn't helped much.

[mrsbuttinski]

Mar 10, 2015 13:58:11 GMT -5 olivegoose said:

Here's a situation we deal with a lot, maybe someone will have some ideas.

DD's "thing" is cars. It has been for a long time. She lines them up, sorts, organizes, and has imaginary play with them.

Describe this imaginary play. A lot of times parents see something as imaginary or creative that is actually very scripted or dysfunctional and would be better extinguished. When DS was a younger preschooler he often re-enacted his Thomas or "There Goes a..." videos and books. Lining them up and sorting is not an appropriate way to play. You could also insert yourself and sabotage as she becomes more comfortable. I never had an issue with DS becoming less interested in being engaged with me- my attention was a strong motivator. Better play skills would make her more included in preschool and give her opportunity to build her social chops.

Of course, DS loves cars. She's absorbed his cars into her collection (or she tries to, I take them back for him) and freaks out if he touches any of them after she's arranged them.


DS used to do this. He has an extensive Hot Wheels collection that he used to park along the baseboards in his bedroom. Rule was they had to go in the bin so we could vacuum. He never "played" with them, only collected and admired them. He takes them out from time to time- cars have always been a secondary special interest. He's pretty pissed this evening over the Jeremy Clarkson situation with BBC. Top Gear is one of his favorite shows along with Bill Mahr and John Oliver.

There are a couple approaches. The cars could all go on a very long trip or in the shop for a while whenever she's home.

You could put a Sharpie initial on the bottoms of each identifying whose car is whose. This along with a Social Story about the rules of touching other people's stuff might help.

If you allow her access to cars, don't allow them to be arranged for very long- sabotage the shit out of that. If she plays this way at school or on playdates, she'll quickly become a pariah.


It's their #1 issue. He loves when she is at school and he will take all of the cars into the kitchen and roll them on the vinyl floor.

This is very appropriate given his age.

Any ideas on how to help her be less rigid about them?


Floortime to teach good play skills so she can enjoy playing with her cars in a manner that allows her play with others.

[cam]

Mar 9, 2015 20:39:20 GMT -5 olivegoose said:

Mar 9, 2015 20:18:24 GMT -5 funchicken said:

Exactly A lot of times the rigidity stems from anxiety, and by always having the MLP plate clean and available you are reinforcing the idea that she is only okay if she has the MLP plate. You help her work through that, and then use that to help scaffold another situation. You say things like, "remember when the MLP plate was dirty, and you had to use a different plate? You were upset but you calmed down." 

Awesome! I will be doing this.

If you want a few more ideas, some that happen here (in addition to those already mentioned):

hiding his stocking cap occasionally and pretending I can't find it so he has to use his hood

"forgetting" he likes to push the toaster lever down, push the start button on the clothes dryer, etc

having him play Hungry Hungry Hippos with a ball "missing" or having the toy screwdriver "missing" so he has to use the wrench

having a dog sometimes be outside during bedtime stories

doing activities that require sleeves pushed up or short sleeves when he is in "winter mode" (only wanting long sleeves)

being "all out" of batteries when a toy dies

etc

[olivegoose]

mrsbuttinski I will have to pay more attention to what she's acting out. I can think of her playing "Mommy" car, "Daddy" car, "DD" car, and "DS" car... But not what they were doing. She does this with stuffed animals too. Often they're reenacting something that happened recently. I can't recall if it's true imaginary play or not ATM.

I think the car labels + social story could actually work well with her. She knows the behavior expectation if you ask her, but she doesn't follow through with it. A visual reminder that the cars are not actually all *hers* might help.

I'm not worried about DS, he just gets excited that he has all the toys to himself. He does not let DD walk all over him either, he puts up a fight when she tries to take his stuff. Which is good, IMO. I don't want him to just let her walk all over him and I can't sit next to them 24/7. He doesn't even talk yet but man he has opinions.

I will talk to DH about all of this too so he's on board. He is her favorite playmate and the second he walks in the door she is all over it!