Bad Sister?

[Deleted]

When I turned 25 my parents threw me a big 25th birthday party (which I supplied all the beer for). It was an outdoors cookout in their backyard.
My sisters (twins) turn 25 next month and they asked my parents for an all expenses paid weekend to a local resort and waterpark. My mom told me that this is about the same cost as my party... I have no idea who taught her math. Anyway...

My mom has asked us (DH, myself, and DD) to come for the WHOLE weekend.  Which means we would be incurring $50/day in waterpark entry fees (that I can't participate in) and we would have to board our 2 large dogs.
We are going through a $4k renovation right now in order to refinance our house in May and we have a $3k+ medical bill coming in July from having this new little one.
Was I a complete ass to tell them to stuff it?
I told them we would consider coming for 1 day. DH told me no on that one too.  He said it was dumb to pay for my waterpark ticket and I can't have any fun and I would have to sit in the lobby or the hotel room all day otherwise.
Thoughts and flames accepted.

[chelseamp11]

Wait.. I thought your parents were supposed to be paying for it anyway?

I honestly wouldn't go, especially if you can't enjoy it. Offer to take your sisters out for dinner or something to celebrate separately.

[wineandcake]

Why couldn't you go in the water park? We took DS when I was about 6wks and I went and had fun. We'll probably go again in March or April as a last big family of 3 hurrah and I'll be participating.

[andindria]

Actually, I agree with DH. I'm skipping out on a few family functions this year because I can't do anything either. You have a lot going financially right now. And though I do see where your parents would like you to be in attendance, its not really all that feasible for you to spend that type of money and you get to do nothing. I think you did the right thing. Go enjoy your weekend with your family with stuff that you won't be sitting there doing nothing all weekend.

[Deleted]

I have a feeling they are going to get really bitchy when they see how much we are spending at Menards, Home Depot, etc for the house updates.

I did call the resort last night and I asked them about prices and told them I was pregnant and couldn't partake in any activities. They told me it was still $25 for me to even get in the door. Lame.

My sisters and I struck a deal years ago that on my birthday they would take me out for dinner and on theirs I would take them out. After two years of me taking them out (on my dime obviously)and them 'forgetting' mine I stopped. Now if we go out at all it's dutch.

We also stopped doing birthday presents as sisters when I was 18, because they are 6 years younger and always broke. It's easier that way for everyone.

[slurpeelove]

I would have told them no as well. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone here understands that having a baby is expensive. Just tell them that with everything going on right now, you can't afford to add something else to your plate. I wouldn't even mention that I wouldn't be able to participate. I would offer to take them out drinking or something else that maybe they would enjoy. But I would say no and people will have to understand. Once your sisters start getting married and having kids, they'll understand that this wasn't selfish, it was you trying to not put yourself into debt for an unnecessary expense.

[chelseamp11]

I still definitely wouldn't go. They should not be judging what you are spending on home renovations. It's your HOUSE.
If they and/or your parents are THAT upset about you not going, they can pay for your way.

[wineandcake]

I still don't understand why you can't go? Can't you play in the baby pool with your DD? Or if there's a lazy river lounge around in that.

I don't do anything big for my birthday or my sisters birthday, but I would go for the sake of doing something fun with the kid along with family.

[kristhegirl]

I would not go, and if your parents get shirty about where you spend your money tell them that's your prerogative. I wouldn't want to spend money to NOT hang out with my family, either; even if you went it sounds like you couldn't or wouldn't do the big slides etc, so $25 to hang out by yourself seems pretty lame.

[Deleted]

Jan 19, 2015 9:21:10 GMT -5 wineandcake said:

I still don't understand why you can't go? Can't you play in the baby pool with your DD? Or if there's a lazy river lounge around in that.

I don't do anything big for my birthday or my sisters birthday, but I would go for the sake of doing something fun with the kid along with family.

While I can't do the big fun stuff, I am being a slight ass and I don't want to do the smaller stuff.  This waterpark is not that big and it is over ran with children and the teenage life guards don't do a lot about it. 
I can't justify the cost/dirve for the small 'fun' that would be had.

When I asked my mom to talk to my sister about what they wanted to do for their birthday I assumed it would be a dinner out at this over priced place they love.

[caymarks]

I do not think you are a bad sister for not going. I personally would jump on the chance to go because I'm all about pools especially during pregnancy. With our tight budget I might have to decline for that reason but normally if my parents asked me to go they would be the ones paying. We are going to our timeshare resort in March and the only thing I can think about is getting to swim. I'll be around 23 weeks I think.

[foolofatook]

Honestly, it sounds like you don't WANT to go. SO don't go. I mean, I'm not trying to be bitchy, but why go if you're going to be miserable?

(Also, I too am not sure why you can't participate in big slides and things like that. I did when I was up to six months with DD!)

[mischiefmama]

I wouldn't have told them to stuff it, but with the circumstances I wouldn't go. Did you calmly and logically explain why it doesn't work for your family? Maybe offer to make dinner for your sisters instead?

[Deleted]

At first it was the expense of it. My mom actually asked if my MIL could come over and let the dogs out as needed... our younger dog is in a kennel all day because she cannot be trusted so this would mean she is in a kennel all day and night with 3 potty breaks oer day. That's mean!

Now, you're right. I just don't want to go the more I think about it. Spending 3 days in a cabin with my family trying to co-parent on top of me sounds awful.

I'm sticking with my no.

[Deleted]

Jan 19, 2015 9:51:16 GMT -5 mischiefmama said:

I wouldn't have told them to stuff it, but with the circumstances I wouldn't go. Did you calmly and logically explain why it doesn't work for your family? Maybe offer to make dinner for your sisters instead?

Ha! I wish I had said stuff it!  No, I explained it to my mom who claims she still doesn't see why we won't be going.

[mischiefmama]

Jan 19, 2015 9:59:15 GMT -5 @sldober0521 said:

Jan 19, 2015 9:51:16 GMT -5 mischiefmama said:

I wouldn't have told them to stuff it, but with the circumstances I wouldn't go. Did you calmly and logically explain why it doesn't work for your family? Maybe offer to make dinner for your sisters instead?

Ha! I wish I had said stuff it!  No, I explained it to my mom who claims she still doesn't see why we won't be going.

If you explained it well ("we just don't have the money to spare right now") and she still doesn't get it, then there's probably not much you can do.  Sorry!  Some people are of the opinion that doing things like this trump everything else.  

[caymarks]

PS - Can I go in your place? I don't have dogs and I love to swim. They can co-parent my children all they want. Especially while I'm lounging in the pool

[Deleted]

Jan 19, 2015 10:08:27 GMT -5 caymarks said:

PS - Can I go in your place? I don't have dogs and I love to swim. They can co-parent my children all they want. Especially while I'm lounging in the pool

You bet! It's in middle-of-nowhere WI next month.

[caymarks]

Jan 19, 2015 10:11:39 GMT -5 @sldober0521 said:

Jan 19, 2015 10:08:27 GMT -5 caymarks said:

PS - Can I go in your place? I don't have dogs and I love to swim. They can co-parent my children all they want. Especially while I'm lounging in the pool

You bet! It's in middle-of-nowhere WI next month.

I hope you know I'm just teasing you. There have been plenty of situations I didn't take part in that I'm sure people didn't agree with. Honestly who cares?! Well besides your family and I'm sure they'll get over it.

[Deleted]

caymarks my feelings are not hurt.

One of my sisters is really pissed at me because I was truthful about her douchebag BF. Nice guy, BAD BF. So that's another point for me not to go.

[steen9713]

Geez your parents are nice, mine would never pay for a party for me or an all expense paid resort. I'm lucky if they take me to dinner. Any ways, with your financial situation I would decline too. Especially when you are unable to enjoy the amenities you are paying for. And it seems like a hassle to go. I'd rather put some money away for a small family trip instead with your DH and DD

[Deleted]

Jan 19, 2015 10:37:37 GMT -5 steen9713 said:

Geez your parents are nice, mine would never pay for a party for me or an all expense paid resort. I'm lucky if they take me to dinner. Any ways, with your financial situation I would decline too. Especially when you are unable to enjoy the amenities you are paying for. And it seems like a hassle to go. I'd rather put some money away for a small family trip instead with your DH and DD

We are taking DD to the Mall of America the weekend before.  It's a yearly, planned, in the budget, one day trip.  We meet up and see her Godmother and take her to the aquarium, Disney Store, and let her run.  She loved it last year and I'm sure will be more excited this year.

[Deleted]

Ha! They switched it to friends only and no guys. Definately NOT going. Woot.

[yelah250]

Well that worked out well! I would personally go for 1 day in the original circumstance. You could still participate in lots of the stuff and it's honestly weird to me that you wouldn't want to celebrate your twin sisters birthdays if you were able to. Sounds like you just don't want to, but that's what I don't really understand!

[junebug0611]

OP, I wouldn't doubt that the cost of your party was the same as the cost of sponsoring either sister's weekend at the resort... they footed the bill for the "large party" so they must know what they spent. Either way it doesn't do any good to compare how much they are spending on each kid. They did a nice thing for your birthday and are doing a nice thing for your sisters. Sounds awesome.

That said, your sisters didn't have to pay to come to your birthday party so they can't really begrudge you not being able or willing to pay to come to theirs. Although it honestly sounds more like you just don't want to than that you truly can't afford it. Maybe they are sensing that too and that's why they are giving you a hard time.

But you're allowed to say no to something you don't want to do. You're an adult. Good luck navigating this situation.

[tla0623]

I don't understand why they don't understand. You're pregnant and you're renovating your house - you don't have any expendable income; it's as easy as that. They'll get over it.

[Deleted]

junebug0611 Orignally it was family only and the villa they wanted is $500/night.... plus all food and drinks.
You're right tho, I should not have brought up the expense as the difference. I just assumed they would do something in town and accessable to everyone. Like rent a party room at a local restaurant or something.
yelah250 I love my sisters... but sometimes when it comes to these things it's best not to try to celebrate with them. They want their friends and boyfriends and I am odd (old married lady with kids) out. So yes, that plays in to me not wanting to participate.


I appreciate all the encouragement to stay home and the questions on why I just don't want to go. I wouldn't have asked if I couldn't take it.

[sutavim2]

I'd go for one day. If you really think about it, your one day entry will be less expensive than taking them out to dinner. And if the park has a pool, lazy river, small slides you should be able to go on those. Maybe talk to your mom some more and explain the whole situation and just ask if she'd be able to maybe cover your family's entry fee?
My FILs birthday is this weekend and we are going to the mountains to snowboard- I'll be cross country skiing with some of them Friday, but relaxing by myself Saturday and Sunday. I think family is too important for me to skip out on a birthday.

[sutavim2]

@wafflesfriendswork it's too important to ME. I also mentioned asking her mom to cover expenses- no, if you cannot afford it, you can't. end of story. But if you just go to the local park for a day, it actually may make more financial sense than to take them out to a birthday dinner.

[Deleted]

Jan 19, 2015 11:57:39 GMT -5 @wafflesfriendswork said:

Jan 19, 2015 11:46:19 GMT -5 sutavim2 said:

I'd go for one day. If you really think about it, your one day entry will be less expensive than taking them out to dinner. And if the park has a pool, lazy river, small slides you should be able to go on those. Maybe talk to your mom some more and explain the whole situation and just ask if she'd be able to maybe cover your family's entry fee?
My FILs birthday is this weekend and we are going to the mountains to snowboard- I'll be cross country skiing with some of them Friday, but relaxing by myself Saturday and Sunday. I think family is too important for me to skip out on a birthday.

This really rubs me the wrong way.  My mom has offered to pay for me and DH to fly to Vegas to visit my grandmother for her birthday.  It will be expensive (hotel, rental car, meals out) and eat into my maternity leave.  We will likely not go.  It has nothing to do with family not being important to me, but the simple fact that financially and logistically it will be VERY difficult.  

Her sisters will have other birthdays and she will only have this baby once.  If she can deal with the FOMO and her sisters will get over it, then @sldober0521 should do whatever the fuck she wants.  No one is EVER obligated to accept an invitation, especially when it requires a big bill.  

Whoa...  #1 - I am never taking my sisters out for dinner again, I have done this for other birthdays and they never reciprocate.

#2 - @wafflesfriendswork  I was offered a free flight out to CT to visit family after I had DD 2 years ago.  I was also unemployed and on a very tight budget.  I found out that the whole family spent the week eating out, shopping, and visiting NYC.  I would have had to sit back at the house with an infant. The train alone from CT to NYC was $100.  I also declined.  I feel your pain there.

It sounds like my sisters are bickering (nothing new) on what they each want to do.  One wants the huge resort party with friends only ( so I'm not invited anyway) and the other says girls only (because her boyfriend is an asshat and refuses to go no matter what).  It's getting messier by the second.

I will pick them up each a nice birthday card and deliver on their birthday as I have been doing.