Recent loss/D&C check in?

[mrssqueegy]

I know there are a few of us who are still dealing with recent losses or are post D&C.  Just wanted to check up on everyone.

How are you feeling physically?  Any symptoms?

How are you doing emotionally?

How is your partner doing?

[mrssqueegy]

How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms? I haven't had any spotting today so I think I'm done bleeding for now. I stopped cramping on Sunday as well. My bloat seems to have gone down too. So basically physically I feel back to normal.

How are you doing emotionally? It comes in waves. I still have a good cry each day but I am able to hold it together better than last week.

How is your partner doing? Honestly I'm not sure. He says that he is doing okay but I wonder how much he is holding in. I really need to ask him more often how he is doing.

[starfishy]

Physically, I'm doing okay. The anemia/iron pill regiment is getting old. I'm not even sure how long I have to do it. I had to call to reschedule my follow up appointment and it's not until the 31st. Annoying. I still have some cramping and a little bit of spotting.

Emotionally, just okay. My anxiety is through the roof. My friend is having me over Saturday for a girls night. I'm looking forward to that. I feel fine some moments and weepy the next. I keep saying to my H that I want it to just be over.

I think H is doing okay. He talks to me about how he feels. I wish he had some more friends around. I think it would help him feel better.

[vballbaby]

I was just thinking "I have no where to check in anymore" Thanks for this mrssqueegy

How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms? D&C was last Wednesday and physically I was fine until two days ago when I started having very painful spasms/contractions starting in my bottom and shooting up through my ute like a bolt of lightning. Esp when I went to the bathroom. Today however I've only had one little spasm so I think today will be a better day. My spotting is almost non existent.

How are you doing emotionally? Ok, much better than last week. I'm no longer dwelling in sadness and I'm looking fwd to another IVF cycle now and preparing my body. However recovering from the D&C has me up and down. Last night I felt extremely emotional like my hormones were just out of whack and was in tears for a hot minute (more on this in next part). I haven't been walking, I'm bloated like a mo-fo, so this makes me feel depressed at times and I just want to feel fucking normal again already! Sorry, it gets old with all these procedures, surgeries, meds that make you feel bad etc etc. Xanex has gotten me through this past week and pretty soon I'll be out of that. It's a very weak dose but it has definitely helped me sleep and it helped my body relax to reduce the spasms.

How is your partner doing? I wanted to kill DH last night. My spasms had been so bad at one point yesterday I cried. And they lasted about 5-10 seconds each time. He asked me last night how many I'd had during the day and I said about 10. He was like so ok so for 60 seconds of the day you were in pain, like it was nothing. Grrrrrr. That pissed me off and I rolled over and went to sleep in tears. He's not usually a jackass but this was definitely a jackass comment. So what's a good comparison? I wish I would have said, well honey, if I dropped a fucking hammer on your head or your little toe repeatedly throughout the day, that would be no big deal right? Men....honestly I think maybe he just gets a little tired of my physical and emotional condition so he wants me back to normal too. He's been super supportive and sweet until now. He gets out of the house a lot, works out, plays volleyball, etc so he's able to release his tension. He's also looking fwd to trying again.

Sorry this was long and for the F bombs; thanks for letting me ramble, I really needed to get this out!

[shytimes]

Thanks so much for doing this mrssqueegy!!!

How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms? Physically much better, and today is 2 weeks since the d&c. Had my blood drawn for HCG levels this morning so waiting for the results. (For me, physical recovery will be when I start the next cycle).

How are you doing emotionally? Better than last week, but there are still tough moments. I cleaned up my diet, which has helped and my hormone levels feel like they are more balanced. I wouldn't say I'm back to my 100% self yet though. There are certain friends I'm avoiding (because they'll ask, I'll tell them and they'll say something stupid) and I'm being careful about whose kids I choose to be around. I finally realized that pushing myself was not always a sign of strength and I didn't need to feel obligated to put myself in emotionally challenging situations. So when DH's brother came up for the weekend to show support for me (which wasn't what I would have chosen), I didn't feel obligated to go to much any trouble.

How is your partner doing? Likely better than me, though he's getting a lot of pressure from people (e.g. in his office) that his priority is taking care of me. And while it's true he doesn't have the emotional and physical toll, it makes him feel like his feelings are less valid, which isn't helpful. He doesn't understand why there are certain people I can't be around and if you were to ask him honestly, he'd say that I should push through.

And like vballbaby so nice to get this out!

ETA: HCG came back at 129 exactly 2 weeks post d&c.  Nothing to compare it to, but made me feel good.  

[mrssqueegy]

starfishy I hope you have a good time at your girls night this weekend!

vballbaby I'm glad those weird spasms have stopped. And I'm sorry that DH made an insensitive comment.

shytimes Good luck on your blood draw. I hope your levels are zero.

[goldenlove3]

I didn't post an intro but I wrote about my experience in the ectopic pregnancy post.

How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms? I'm feeling fine. I'm still spotting and cramping. It feels like I'm about to get my period. Sometimes I get pain on the left side but nothing as bad as it was two weeks ago. I go in for another hcg check tomorrow.

How are you doing emotionally? I have ups and downs. I'm normally ok throughout the day but it seems like the moment I'm alone or have a chance to think, I get sad and start crying.

How is your partner doing? He seems to be doing fine. We're both just ready to move on from this.

[cabgirl]

Thanks for starting this thread, mrssqueegy. I'm glad you're feeling so much better physically.
vballbaby, I'm sorry your H was insensitive. I think sometimes it's hard for our partners to understand what it's really like to have these physical symptoms to deal with. They might not sound so bad, but what your H needs to understand is that, a) it's very scary to have pain like that when you weren't expecting it and aren't even sure if it's normal or what it might mean, and b) it's awful to have any physical symptom related to a miscarriage, because it's just a reminder of the loss, and it adds to the emotional pain we're already feeling. I hope you're able to work it out with him.
shytimes, good for you for recognizing that being strong doesn't always equal pushing yourself. Sometimes being strong means knowing when to go easy on yourself so that you don't make things harder.

How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms? Much better than I was, and the symptoms I'm having now are mostly just annoying, honestly. My skin mostly cleared up after my D&C, and now, almost 3 weeks later, is completely breaking out again. The last couple days I had terrible cramps and bloating that felt exactly like my period was coming, but then it went away completely and hasn't returned, with no sign of my period. I'm still having a little bit of brown spotting, which my OB told me not to be concerned about. My HCG was down to 110 last week. I gained a few pounds while I was pregnant, and they haven't come off, so my clothes are tight and I feel uncomfortable. I don't know. I just want to feel like myself again.

How are you doing emotionally? I've been having panic attacks, and I had one at work the other day. I used to have these, but it's been years, and it worries me that they've come back. Other than that, I'm mostly just depressed. I haven't broken down crying in days. I feel okay, and then I feel guilty for feeling okay, like it means I don't really love the baby we lost. I feel numb a lot.

How is your partner doing? He seems to be doing okay. We haven't really talked in a while about how we're feeling about our loss. I think he's mostly just worried about me. I feel bad, because I feel like the intensity of my grieving forced him to suppress his so that he could take care of me. I did a lot of out-of-control sobbing and being vocal about my mourning; I definitely didn't (and couldn't) keep my feelings bottled up. Now I worry that I robbed him of the chance to mourn openly, too, because he was too busy comforting me.

[amandaree]

mrssqueegy, Thank you for this check in and for thinking of us.

How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms? I feel ok. Still have pregnancy symptoms of my boobs hurting and feeling nauseous and tired all the time. I've had a horrible headache that I can't quite get to go away. I'm still waiting to miscarry and this morning as I pulled into my parking lot at work I felt like I was spotting, so I quickly turned around and drove all the way home to get a pad when I realized all I had on me was tampons. When I got home it was a false alarm, just a little discharge. I know it sounds weird but I was sort of relieved to think that the process was starting and that I wouldn't have to wait very long. Nope, still waiting.

How are you doing emotionally? It's a rollercoaster. I think I go through all the stages of grief in one single day. I go from dumb, to disbelief, to acceptance, then I get sad, then I get angry and bitter. I'm just trying to keep a strong face on at work. I can't take off any time during this waiting period as I know I'll need my days off once things get going.

How is your partner doing? We had a weird rol reversal during this pregnancy. Usually I am the optimistic one begging him to get excited with me. This time I kept a pretty strong hold to a more realistic outlook - thanks in large part to the reality of what my betas were doing...rising but not doubling. He was the one that was like 'I think this is it this time' and telling me to stay positive. Now, he seems more worried about me and how I am physically then showing any emotion, but I know he's hurting. He let his hopes up and now this. He did ask me last night if we wanted to wait or try again right away. I think he's anxious to try again but I know the reality is we have a few months of trying to get this all sorted out before we can try again.

[amandaree]

vballbaby, sorry you had a hard night. I think I would have given my DH a nut punch if he had said that to me. ((hugs))

[doves654]

How are you feeling physically? I am pretty much done with spotting and cramping I think, so a lot better. My back is still really sore but I think that was from a weird PIO shot. I'm glad to be feeling more normal, and the weather got nice here, so it's been nice to be able to get out.

How are you doing emotionally? Better. It will be a long time, I think, before I feel like myself again, and I'm still really mentally foggy, but I am having more and more normal moments and I'm grateful for them. I still cry at random moments.

How is your partner doing? Ok, I think. We have a lot of other not great stuff going on in our lives in addition to the miscarriage (my cousin committed suicide last month, my brother just got out of jail and has a very strong history of heroin abuse so we're kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop there, our cat has to have surgery and my FIL had a scary cancer remission scan last week) so ALL of it is really taking a toll on us. We're just kind of quietly holding on to each other and trying to take good care of each other while all of this calms down. We aren't sure we'll try IVF again and are just waiting until we feel like we're in a good head spaces to make that decision.

[babyzebra]

Thanks for starting this mrssqueegy



How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms?
I guess I'm ok physically. I'm still bleeding a moderate amount. I had a natural MC Sunday night and I thought I had passed everything. Well, last night I started having pretty intense contractions every few minutes for about an hour. I then ended up passing some more stuff. Since then, I've only had mild cramps.


How are you doing emotionally?
I'm not doing as well emotionally. I feel really traumatized about my experience with the natural MC. I'm terrified to go to the bathroom because I'm afraid I'll pass some more stuff. Other than the actual MC process, I still just feel really sad. I think I'm getting better every day though.


How is your partner doing?
DH is about the same as me. I think he was even more traumatized by the MC process at home than I was. I really thought he was going to pass out. I should have made him leave the bathroom. He's doing alright other than that I think. I do need to check up on him more. We're both sad, but do want to TTC as soon as we are cleared to do so.

[mrssqueegy]

goldenlove3 I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board.

cabgirl I'm sorry that you are still having panic attacks. Hugs!

amandaree I'm so sorry that you are stuck in this limbo.

doves654 I am so sorry for everything that has been going on in your life. What a difficult time.

babyzebra I am so sad that you had such a traumatizing experience for both you and DH. I hope you can find some healing soon.

[rablissful]

How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms?
I'm pretty much all done. Some brown spotting still, but I have a feeling by the weekend I'll be done. I started this whole natural miscarriage process two weeks ago (with the majority happening two weeks ago Thursday).

How are you doing emotionally?
Much better. I still have moments of sadness (and some anger) but I haven't cried in days which is a step forward. I did have an irrational moment when I realized I was pretty much done spotting and was thinking "now it really is all over" and being really sad about it despite how shitty this process has been. I think once AF comes I'll be ready to begin trying again. I am, however, dreading to see my pregnant older sister, which is my last big emotional hurdle.

How is your partner doing?
Fine. He's been seemingly ok through this whole thing. Was he sad? Sure. But he grew up knowing this could happen (his mom had a mc) and was more emotionally prepared for it. He's been a great support for making me feel normal being the goof he is.

[snakefisherbub]

How are you feeling physically?  Any symptoms? I'm almost 2 weeks out from our loss. I'm spotting just a bit still but nothing a liner can't take care of. I'm having some cramps today but it could be anything.

How are you doing emotionally? Some days are better than others. I get sad seeing random babies/kids but not so much for people I know. Just looking forward to trying again. I go next week to check my levels. It was down to 130 last week.

How is your partner doing? He's doing ok. Usually doesn't say if he isn't. Honestly we haven't talked about it a lot.

[babyzebra]

I just want to give hugs to everyone here. I wish you all healing in the days, months, and years to come.

mrssqueegy I'm glad you are feeling a little better than last week. A good cry sometimes helps me.

starfishy I'm sorry you're having so much anxiety. I hope you are able to enjoy your girls night.

vballbaby I'm sorry that you're so bloated and that DH was insensitive. I hope you start feeling better soon.

shytimes I'm glad that you're drawing a line and not pushing yourself more than you want to. I think that's important for all of us to do. I'm glad to hear about your HCG.

goldenlove3 I'm glad that you're starting to feel a little better. ((Hugs)) and I hope you continue to heal.

cabgirl I'm sorry that you're having panic attacks. I hope that you can continue to heal and talk to DH about how both of you are doing.

amandaree I'm sorry that you're still waiting. That makes all of this so much harder when you know the inevitable has to come. I get keeping a strong face at work. It's hard. I wish you the best in your healing.

doves654 I'm glad that you're starting to feel a little better. I'm sorry about all of the other hard things going on in your life though.

[babyzebra]

rablissful I'm glad you're nearing the end of this process, but I can understand how it makes this so much more final. Good luck with seeing your sister. It's hard to have conflicting emotions.

snakefisherbub I'm glad your spotting is almost gone. I feel the same way about being more bothered by strangers' kids than people I know. I hope you can find some healing in TTC again.

[rablissful]

babyzebra thank you! I hope you start feeling better emotionally, that first week for me was definitely one day at a time. My mc was fairly traumatic as well, and three days after the big event it got worse for a few hours which broke me down all over again (which sounds like what happened to you). It will get easier. For me, getting back to work and into a routine did wonders. Hard to think about it when I have 60 high school kids to wrangle each day!

[germaphobe]

I guess this will be my introduction.... my H and I were TTC #2 and I miscarried at 5 weeks (Saturday).

How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms?
Still bleeding. 

How are you doing emotionally?
Just going through the motions at this point... don't really know how to feel. I go though waves of pain and moments that I am fine.

How is your partner doing?
I know he is sad because we were both very excited, but he doesn't seem to be all that affected. He does internalize a lot of emotion though so I may never know.

[babyzebra]

Mar 10, 2015 19:53:39 GMT -5 rablissful said:

babyzebra thank you! I hope you start feeling better emotionally, that first week for me was definitely one day at a time. My mc was fairly traumatic as well, and three days after the big event it got worse for a few hours which broke me down all over again (which sounds like what happened to you). It will get easier. For me, getting back to work and into a routine did wonders. Hard to think about it when I have 60 high school kids to wrangle each day!

Thanks, this helps a lot! I hope it does start to get easier. The biggest hurdle I have right now is that I don't think that I'm done. I'll just have to wait and see. I know what you mean about getting back to work. Sometimes, I don't like how busy and stressful my job is, but it sure does distract me and help the day go faster. I don't know that I could handle 60 high school kids, though!

[rablissful]

Woo my high school kids are watching movies today so I'm being a bad teacher and finally getting to reply to everyone here instead of, you know, grading or doing work or something  I'm also on a real computer versus my phone so that also makes it way easier to do a big post like this.

Thanks for doing this mrssqueegy!! Since I started back at work I haven't been checking in as often so it's nice to get updates on everyone. I'm glad you're doing better.

starfishy Enjoy that girls night! I had a scheduled afternoon out with a former coworker before I miscarried, which ended up being 2 days after the bulk of it happened (3 days after I got confirmation I was miscarrying). I almost didn't go because I was still so upset but I managed to get myself out of the house. It was so worth it! It was the first time I had fun that week, and while most of me was still sad, it was good to get out of the house.

vballbaby My SO has a habit of saying really insensitive things as well, although he has been surprisingly good during this whole process. Just tell him how you really feel, and maybe get out of the house more yourself? If that doesn't help, I concur with the nut punch.

shytimes it's nice that your H's office is being so supportive! My SO's work and my vice principal have also been very flexible and it has been such a relief on that part.

Welcome goldenlove3!

cabgirl I'm sorry about your panic attacks ((hugs))

amandaree I'm sorry you're still waiting it must be torture!

doves654 Holy shit that is a lot to deal with! I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Having a miscarriage is hard enough, never mind going through all of that on top of it. ((hugs))

snakefisherbub I'm glad you're doing better and are ready to move on and try again. I'm pretty much at that point as well, just waiting for AF to arrive! Midwife said I should wait until my first period before we start trying again.

germaphobe welcome and ((hugs)), I'm sorry to find you here. It will get easier and we're all here for you!

babyzebra sometimes busy and stressful are what you need to snap you back to yourself. After my relapse I was also petrified that I wasn't done, but after a few days I definitely calmed down a bit. My 60 kids are spread out through 5 classes so it's manageable I'm about to get MUCH more busy as well because musical rehearsals are about to start (I'm the crew director) and I am SO PUMPED because putting on shows is like my favorite thing about teaching. I love those kids so much that I'm going back this semester to help them (I'm a permanent sub actually, was at a different school last semester and helped out with drama and loved it so much that I'm going back this semester despite being at another school). It is SO SUPER STRESSFUL because, you know, high schoolers with paint and power tools and what not but we have so much fun and laugh together that it's the one thing I'm looking forward to right now.

[babyzebra]

I need to vent for a second here. I just got off the phone with a nurse who told me the results of my bloodwork that was done on Monday. My beta levels are 21,000! How is it even possible to still be that high? Now I'm even more terrified that I haven't passed everything. The nurse said that may not necessarily be the case and it might just be taking a while to go down. I have to go back in 2 weeks to get my levels taken again. What I really don't want to have happen is to go through all of this at home by myself and then still end up getting a D&C.

ETA- on 2/27 my betas were 57,000 and on 3/5 my betas were 47,000

[shytimes]

babyzebra oh no, that would be beyond horrible. is there any way you can go in on Friday, get your levels checked and have a d&c next week if they aren't coming down sufficiently? I wouldn't want to wait two weeks for that information.

[rablissful]

Mar 11, 2015 11:22:02 GMT -5 babyzebra said:

I need to vent for a second here. I just got off the phone with a nurse who told me the results of my bloodwork that was done on Monday. My beta levels are 21,000! How is it even possible to still be that high? Now I'm even more terrified that I haven't passed everything. The nurse said that may not necessarily be the case and it might just be taking a while to go down. I have to go back in 2 weeks to get my levels taken again. What I really don't want to have happen is to go through all of this at home by myself and then still end up getting a D&C.

ETA- on 2/27 my betas were 57,000 and on 3/5 my betas were 47,000

Ack! I'm so sorry

I have no real advice on betas or how they are supposed to go down. I had mine taken only once when my midwife was checking to see if I was miscarrying (I was) and they were only around 5,000 (I was supposed to be 10 weeks at the time). They aren't even tracking them down to zero. I hope you get some answers!


Maybe ask to go in sooner, as per shytimes suggested?

[babyzebra]

Thanks shytimes and rablissful! I think I'm going to call back and see if I can get in sooner.

I also had a thought (this is going to make me sound like a crazy person, so beware). The majority of what I passed at home was in the middle of the night Sunday night/Monday morning. I then went in and had my bloodwork done Monday mid-day. HCG is produced by the placenta, but has a half life of 24-36 hours. So maybe my levels are much lower now and it just seems high because it was taken about 12 hours after my natural MC. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking....either way I can't wait 2 weeks to find out!

[mrssqueegy]

Mar 11, 2015 11:22:02 GMT -5 babyzebra said:

I need to vent for a second here. I just got off the phone with a nurse who told me the results of my bloodwork that was done on Monday. My beta levels are 21,000! How is it even possible to still be that high? Now I'm even more terrified that I haven't passed everything. The nurse said that may not necessarily be the case and it might just be taking a while to go down. I have to go back in 2 weeks to get my levels taken again. What I really don't want to have happen is to go through all of this at home by myself and then still end up getting a D&C.

ETA- on 2/27 my betas were 57,000 and on 3/5 my betas were 47,000

Aw hun, I'm so sorry.  Can you ask for another level sooner?  That's what I would do.  Hugs.

[rablissful]

babyzebra When it comes to pregnancy and miscarriage, we are ALL in crazy town. Any doctor/nurse/midwife working with us is a saint for dealing with us.

Good luck and ((hugs))