Sharing -- I don't get it

[foolofatook]

Okay, I'm starting to think more and more than I'm a weird parent. I don't like the idea of teaching my children that they are required to share their toys, books, etc. with others just because it's "nice" or "polite." To me, it feels the same as teaching my children that they are required to hug anyone that asks/demands a hug. 

Am I really super weird? Am I one of those hippie-dippie moms who is going to be hated on the playground? I just want my children to know that their possessions are theirs, and they have the prerogative to share or not share. We don't let just anyone wander into our homes and share our food, books, money, etc. Why do we teach it to our children? 

ETA: I don't think that sharing between siblings is the same thing. 

[junebug0611]

It's more nuanced than that. I don't teach DD that the second another kid wants what she is playing with she needs to share it. It all depends on context:

- at school or the playground the toys don't belong to anyone and everyone has equal right to them. In this context we teach taking turns. DD can play with something for a while but if someone is obviously waiting we give her a five minute warning and then make her give someone else a turn.

- at our house, we don't invite random people in. Anyone we have invited in is our guest. We teach kindness and hospitality to our guests. That includes sharing or toys. Again, this can be done by taking turns. And we don't make her share her most prized stuffed animal. She can explain to her friend if there is something in particular she doesn't want to share. But she needs to share some things.

- at a friend's house, we are guests. We respect their possessions and are grateful for what they share with us. We are careful with what we play with because we don't want to break their toys. If a friend doesn't want to share something in particular we talk about how we are protective of some of our toys too and find something else to do.

Sure, in life you aren't required to share, but if you're selfish about how you split restaurant bills, for example (either too stingy in insisting on a separate check when you all spent roughly the same, or selfish in pressuring a check split equally when you ordered an entree and alcoholic drinks and someone else just had an appetizer and water) it's going to affect your friendships. We try to teach DD to be a good friend.

[sutavim2]

I remember as a kid, I was brought up to take good care of my things. That cannot be said for everybody. I remember when i let my friend borrow my CD and she gave it back all scratched up. Her parents didn't think it was a big deal because it still worked. So yes, I agree with you. Not all things should be shared, however, be careful how it comes of to your child when you tell them that. You also don't want them to be completely selfish. They need to learn that if they value something, they should take care of it and maybe not take it outside, etc.

[Deleted]

I was an only child until I was 6 and I never had to share my toys. I also never went to daycare and my grandparents took me during the day. I was, and still am, a complete brat when it comes to my stuff and things.
DH and I work with DD to play together and share with whomever is playing with her. I hope she is nicer than I am.

[catladymeow]

I agree with junebug0611 that context is key. Sure, in 100% of situations it isn't appropriate to share, but it's about being a reasonable, respectful person and in certain contexts, that requires you to share.

[yelah250]

I don't make my kids share but we do discuss implications of not sharing. This comes later, of course. When they were little and people were over, they could put a couple off limits toys on their bed and no one could play with them. The rest was basically open season. My two are 20 months apart and pretty much everything was "shared" in a sense so we didn't have a lot of problems in this area. Life was one big sharing session. Lol.

[ashiscute]

Jan 19, 2015 11:37:25 GMT -5 junebug0611 said:

It's more nuanced than that. I don't teach DD that the second another kid wants what she is playing with she needs to share it. It all depends on context:

- at school or the playground the toys don't belong to anyone and everyone has equal right to them. In this context we teach taking turns. DD can play with something for a while but if someone is obviously waiting we give her a five minute warning and then make her give someone else a turn.

- at our house, we don't invite random people in. Anyone we have invited in is our guest. We teach kindness and hospitality to our guests. That includes sharing or toys. Again, this can be done by taking turns. And we don't make her share her most prized stuffed animal. She can explain to her friend if there is something in particular she doesn't want to share. But she needs to share some things.

- at a friend's house, we are guests. We respect their possessions and are grateful for what they share with us. We are careful with what we play with because we don't want to break their toys. If a friend doesn't want to share something in particular we talk about how we are protective of some of our toys too and find something else to do.

Sure, in life you aren't required to share, but if you're selfish about how you split restaurant bills, for example (either too stingy in insisting on a separate check when you all spent roughly the same, or selfish in pressuring a check split equally when you ordered an entree and alcoholic drinks and someone else just had an appetizer and water) it's going to affect your friendships. We try to teach DD to be a good friend.

This was so well said. IMO sharing is more about being gracious with their belongings. And being a willing turn taker.

[CALEO]

Jan 19, 2015 11:48:54 GMT -5 @sldober0521 said:

I was an only child until I was 6 and I never had to share my toys. I also never went to daycare and my grandparents took me during the day. I was, and still am, a complete brat when it comes to my stuff and things.
DH and I work with DD to play together and share with whomever is playing with her. I hope she is nicer than I am.

I agree with junebug.

I was an only child and had a bit of the opposite reaction. Because I never had a sibling vying for my stuff and never had to protect what was mine, I was always happy to share with other kids/adults etc.

I was just excited to have playmates!

I loved to talk though and my mom had to remind me that "no one gets all the attention all the time" which worked well until I told my 92 year old neighbor the same thing when he was hogging the convo at Easter lol.

[jlbaker08]

I'm with junebug0611, context is important. There have been a ton of blogs and various "articles" written about teaching kids to share, google is full of them.

[kissandglow]

Agree with everything here. Also I will add that if I see a kid who has never been told that they don't get everything they scream for, I might purposefully not require my kids share with that kid. Spiteful? Hell yes.

[imavera]

Jan 19, 2015 12:07:40 GMT -5 yelah250 said:

I don't make my kids share but we do discuss implications of not sharing. This comes later, of course. When they were little and people were over, they could put a couple off limits toys on their bed and no one could play with them. The rest was basically open season. My two are 20 months apart and pretty much everything was "shared" in a sense so we didn't have a lot of problems in this area. Life was one big sharing session. Lol.

Same, expect my kids are further apart. We have "sharing" fights, but I basically make them deal with it. I don't force them to share. They're excellent friends now since they get so much practice with each other

[ahsile]

Jan 19, 2015 11:37:25 GMT -5 junebug0611 said:

It's more nuanced than that. I don't teach DD that the second another kid wants what she is playing with she needs to share it. It all depends on context:

- at school or the playground the toys don't belong to anyone and everyone has equal right to them. In this context we teach taking turns. DD can play with something for a while but if someone is obviously waiting we give her a five minute warning and then make her give someone else a turn.

- at our house, we don't invite random people in. Anyone we have invited in is our guest. We teach kindness and hospitality to our guests. That includes sharing or toys. Again, this can be done by taking turns. And we don't make her share her most prized stuffed animal. She can explain to her friend if there is something in particular she doesn't want to share. But she needs to share some things.

- at a friend's house, we are guests. We respect their possessions and are grateful for what they share with us. We are careful with what we play with because we don't want to break their toys. If a friend doesn't want to share something in particular we talk about how we are protective of some of our toys too and find something else to do.

Sure, in life you aren't required to share, but if you're selfish about how you split restaurant bills, for example (either too stingy in insisting on a separate check when you all spent roughly the same, or selfish in pressuring a check split equally when you ordered an entree and alcoholic drinks and someone else just had an appetizer and water) it's going to affect your friendships. We try to teach DD to be a good friend.

This is our philosophy exactly.

[foolofatook]

I think I would rather teach DD and LO to be kind and empathetic to others instead of require that they give up their toys whenever someone else asks.

That's where I'm coming from.

[wineandcake]

We teach sharing. He loves to share his things with us and anyone who comes to play. He has his moments where he will scream and scream and scream if we try to get him to give something back that he isn't supposed to have so we try to tell him he needs to share. I don't want my kid to feel entitled to everything, I want him to know that we buy things for him to play with/eat, but its not only for him and we can have access to things too. Too many kids these days think that the world should be handed to them, I don't want him to have that attitude and think that sharing and being kind/respectful of others and their things is important.

[laylamamma2013]

We are teaching our DD to share. I think of it as if you are a guest in someone's house you would hope they would share with your children, so we share.

[kathol]

I teach DS to share but it's really tricky. Like he doesn't always have to share his toys with other kids but I expect him to share with his cousins & siblings. He understands that not everyone will always share with him and he will not always feel like sharing. For instance if he has a "favorite" toy, that's off limits. He does really well with that. He shares a bulk of his belongings with no problems at all. He understands that sharing is caring but also gets that someone else isn't obligated to share with him.

[mrsklm09]

I also agree with junebug0611 but I want to add one more thought. While I can't be concerned how other people raise their kids, I find it very important that my kids are not entitled. To this point, I want my kids to understand that just because they want something at the playground or a friends house or wherever, that the other child is not required to share with them just because my child wants a turn.

In life, especially beyond the playground, things are not always fair across the board. Just because I wait my turn for something doesn't always mean I get it, even if I am next in line or that's how things are supposed to work. It is obviously way more complicated than taking turns on the swings but I do think our society places too much emphasis on life being fair and everyone getting the same opportunities. I want my kids to understand this early on.

[foolofatook]

DD already knows - if she doesn't want to hug/kiss someone, she doesn't have to. Not momma, not daddy, not Nana or Papa or anyone. NO ONE.

[yelah250]

About entitlement...my opinion is that children should feel confident and entitled to some autonomy over their own things (and body, of course. At this age, their things are viewed as somewhat equal to their things). We model turn taking and encourage "sharing", but it shouldn't be forced IMO. Children learn best when they aren't forced into things.

[Deleted]

Depends on age. When I worked in a center for toddlers in a university setting (hybrid preschool/research lab), we were specifically told never to mention sharing, and to encourage kids to hold on to what was theirs when others tried to snatch it, specifically because of their developmental stage, and the setting (a school, where there were always duplicates of all the toys).

The kids would often spontaneously share, but the directors felt it was too early to be enforcing that as a rule right when they were starting to develop their autonomy. By four, yes, I think sharing is important for the reasons mentioned above. I strive to be a generous host and a gracious guest. I tend to get really irritated and not want to socialize with "friends" who don't often share those values. So it's starting your kid off on the right foot to encourage it, and to explain why.

[junebug0611]

Jan 19, 2015 15:13:27 GMT -5 @officedronette said:

Depends on age. When I worked in a center for toddlers in a university setting (hybrid preschool/research lab), we were specifically told never to mention sharing, and to encourage kids to hold on to what was theirs when others tried to snatch it, specifically because of their developmental stage, and the setting (a school, where there were always duplicates of all the toys).

The kids would often spontaneously share, but the directors felt it was too early to be enforcing that as a rule right when they were starting to develop their autonomy. By four, yes, I think sharing is important for the reasons mentioned above. I strive to be a generous host and a gracious guest. I tend to get really irritated and not want to socialize with "friends" who don't often share those values. So it's starting your kid off on the right foot to encourage it, and to explain why.

I agree with this. 

I don't "force" sharing in the sense of ripping something out of my daughter's hands to give it to another kid.  (And I support her in telling any friend who rips something from her hands, "I'm not done playing with that."  Her school encourages that as well -- rather than running to the teacher to "tattle," or sitting there and crying, proactively addressing the situation and trying to work it out.)  But I will ask her to share in the contexts described above, and if she refuses, will talk about how that makes me feel, how that probably makes her friend feel, etc.  Also, if we go to someone's house who is mean to her and won't share, hits or says mean things, etc., we will talk about it after we leave, and I'll tell her I didn't like how that friend was playing, ask how it made her feel, and tell her we don't have to play at that friend's house again because we didn't like the way they played. 

I definitely teach her that if she doesn't like the way people are playing, she can and should leave that group and find something else to do. And that while she needs to be nice to everyone, she doesn't need to like everyone.

[gw3nny]

This is such a great discussion! I try to enforce community property at home with the exception of one or two favorites. If someone snatches a toy from the other, I make them give it back and ask permission. If they can't work it out, I take the toy away.

All that being said, my MIL keeps the children one to two days a week and is pretty much opposite to the extreme. She goes so far as to buy two of the exact same toy so that my children don't have to share. I hate that! And now my DD complains that we don't have as many toys as Grandma and she doesn't like our home. Sigh. I'm hoping that is just a phase.

[luckystar]

I do teach my children to share, but in the context that Junebug talked about. I had actually never considered this as a POV before, until I read this article. It's interesting. www.popsugar.com/moms/Should-You-Teach-Kids-Share-27333250

[mehlaknee]

Jan 19, 2015 12:29:46 GMT -5 foolofatook said:

I think I would rather teach DD and LO to be kind and empathetic to others instead of require that they give up their toys whenever someone else asks.

That's where I'm coming from.

exactly this! and im also not going to force them to hug who ever wants a hug. but be polite.

[kathol]

Jan 21, 2015 21:47:49 GMT -5 luckystar said:

I do teach my children to share, but in the context that Junebug talked about. I had actually never considered this as a POV before, until I read this article. It's interesting. www.popsugar.com/moms/Should-You-Teach-Kids-Share-27333250

Great point!

[bkgusse]

I love this thread - I think I agree totally with junebug & I am glad to know I'm not the only one thinking of things like this.