WWOADD? Quitting child activities

[tonksy]

I know my kid is older than most, but still curious even in the hypothetical.
I was always the mom who said I don't mind of my kid changes her mind about activities she is doing, but that I would always insist she would finish them. We don't quit things once we make a decision.

Of course I am now in a situation where I might need to eat my words. She plays soccer at a local club that is fairly competitive, even at this young age (6 /u7). It is a 45 minute practice and 50 minute game each week.

At first she said she wasn't having as much fun and didn't want to continue next season. Fine we talked about it and said no pressure to continue next season, but we finish out this one and give it her all. But She has started to cry at every game. She constantly asks her coaches to sub her out. She doesn't chase the ball / stay with the scrum and gets easily frustrated if the other team scores, if she gets jostled or falls down.
Some kids do this, but not to the extent she does. I feel embarrassed that the coaches seem to spend more time getting her attention than the other kids.

My husband can't go to games or practice because he gets so frustrated and upset with her. It's not worth it for him to go.

I know we said we don't quit, but if no one is having fun, me, her or dh, is it worth it.
Would you just quit now?

Season goes to end of March, so another 2 months.

[esmerelda]

That's tough. How far into the season are you? Do you feel she had enough time to really try for at least a few games?

I would talk with her and maybe say 2 more weeks so you can let the coach know as well. Maybe try to emphasize why a positive attitude is so important even if she doesn't like it.

[tonksy]

Season started in September. Focus issues were a problem before, but she always had a good attitude when she paid attention. The bad attitude has started probably in December.

I probably should talk to the coaches about how bad it is from their perspective. I agree, knowing how to put forward a positive attitude even when you aren't enjoying the moment is an important lesson

[skategirl128]

My son is a little older than your DD. We had a hard time with soccer too. We talked about how he made a commitment to the team and that he needs to follow through on his end.

I explained it to him in a way he could understand. We talked about how I committed to picking him and his friend (his mom works really late once a week) up from school once a week. Even when I'm tired or not well I have to keep that commitment to the other mom. She relies on me- just as his coach and team rely on him.

He did make it through the season. He wasn't happy but he went and followed the rules. We talked about the good things about soccer and why he didn't want to go- it ended up he was really afraid of being hit by the ball.

Now our season was much shorter- he only had to tough it out a couple weeks. I will say he is much more thoughtful about what activities he chooses to do- he loves the theater stuff.

Good luck with whatever you choose- it isn't easy!

[namastebiotches]

I'd probably talk to the coach as well & get their take on it, too. Did something happen to cause her to lose interest by any chance?

[tonksy]

So funny skategirl128 . She is also much more inclined to music/ theatre/ acting. She is never going to be a team sport kind of kid.

[helenahhandbasket]

Obviously this is hypothetical because my DD is only 3, but I don't think I would make her continue.

Can you pick another activity out together that you think she would enjoy and make some sort of deal that you will pull her out of soccer if she commits to another activity?

[TheEleventhHour]

I would be inclined to have her finish only because it may start a precedent of "if I act a certain way I will be allowed to quit an activity early". Following through on things is an important life skill. Obviously, if you feel like she is really truly miserable and it is having a negative impact on your entire household this might not be the activity where you teach the importance of following through on commitments. I would also talk to her coaches. You mention she just started acting like this in December. They may be able to shed some light on what caused her attitude to change.

[Deleted]

I agree with talking to the coach, they must get their fair deal of not-so-cooperative kids and may be able to shed some light on recent bad behavior and what might be causing it. Then it may depend on the answers you get, how to proceed.
Two months may seem incredibly long, but it's not like your forcing her to stick with soccer all the way through college, so it may be worth the lesson.

[Deleted]

Jan 19, 2015 16:10:32 GMT -5 @misspeansmama said:

I will start out by saying that my daughter is 3 so I have no experience. That being said, to me it sounds like something more is going on than just not enjoying it anymore. Crying at every session for the last month seems a little over the top if she just didn't like it. Maybe something happened with one or more of the other kids. I think I would talk to the coaches to see if they've noticed anything. And I would try talking to her again and ask more questions as to why she is getting so upset. I do think I would let her stop though if there isn't a way to help her get through whatever issue there may be.

Good luck!

I agree with this!

[emmaswan]

I'm struggling with this hardcore with my 6 y/o too. She wanted to do karate, so I signed her up. Now she doesn't want to go. REFUSES to participate. I will get her dressed in her uniform and she will absolutely refuse to join the class and will just sit there and watch. It's a shame, because it's a year-long contract that has no early termination clause in it so I'm throwing away my money. It's infuriating. If it were not for the contract I'd just let her stop going...but I'm kind of wondering if there's a point to all of the theatrics we go through every Tuesday since she doesn't participate anyway. Blah.

She also had the same issue when we did youth soccer, but only when I stayed to watch the game. She didn't want to play, she just wanted to sit in mommy's lap...and so I had to stop attending games or hide and watch. Her dad was her coach so he'd still be there to make sure she was safe. She finished out the season missing only a couple of games. If it had been super competitive though I might have just pulled her out if she didn't enjoy it. I don't think it should be at this age.

[BostonKisses]

Would there be a less competitive option you could switch to? I'm inclined to say to have her stick it out until the end, though, because it's not that much longer until the end.

[sandandsea]

I would stick it out. Maybe something else is bothering her about it (lack of friends, not as good as other girls, etc.). I'd work with her to make it fun again. Like have family soccer in the yard, or go to ice cream after, and help her have something to look forward too. I wouldn't sign her up next season though.

Also, I think DH should chill out a bit. It's pee wee soccer, and if she sits out and picks dandelions, it's not a big deal. His annoyance and lack of him being there is probably fueling her attitude. She may be thinking if he doesn't have to go why does she?/no one cares/I'm not good enough/etc. So, I'd focus on making it fun and less competitive for her, even if everyone else is competitve.

ETA:  I have no real life experience as DS is only 3. Though I played year round sports from the time I was 5 through high school and loved them.  It's not everyone's thing though.  

[sandandsea]

Oh, and I only quit one sport - basketball my junior year of high school. I was a starter on varsity my fresh and soph years and loved it. We got a new coach (the dad of a girl 1 year younger than me) and all of a sudden her and her friends were all starters and played almost the entire game, every game. We lost all the time, but I was going to stick it out. It was a small school and I still liked the sport. I was also involved in the musical and had a lead role. The night of dress rehearsals the coach told me if I skipped that practice, I'm off the team. I couldn't back out of DRESS REHEARSALS and he had known this 2 night conflict all along. So, I quit the team. I was in tears for hours over it, my dad talked to the coach, my parents visited the athletic director, etc. The coach was fired the next year.

It was a very small school so you could do everything, even if you were only mediocre at everything!

[emarieme]

I'm torn on this. My parents were pretty strict with this type of stuff, and I feel it instilled a solid work ethic. My brother is four years younger and they (my mom really) was much more lax with him, and he struggled to commit to school and work situations.

Is it a pattern popping up in all of her activities or is it isolated? If it's isolated, I'd probably be willing to let her drop, but if it's the beginning of a patern?....

This is tough stuff. Good luck.

*Editing to say that I'm making sweeping generalizations based on my family experiences.....I don't want anyone to think I'm judging!

[legomyago]

I too would like my daughter to stick out what she's committed to. I say this because my parents let me quit those things so easily, and I never had a landing spot because of that. Does she have a flair for dramatics? Only you know her best - I had this problem with my daughter for the past few weeks of dance class last season, but I made her stick it out through recital. And now she is back this year in class and doing much better. But I know for her, she likes to be really dramatic and stubborn. That and I think a different mix of kids made a difference too.

[eyenigh]

Like a lot of other posters here, my son isn't quite three so I certainly can't speak from experience but I can totally understand how agonizing it must be. Your husband is angry and frustrated, you're miserable and your kid is not having fun and crying at every game. I gotta say, if we were all hating life over this, it wouldn't be worth making a point about commitment. I'd try to get to the root of what's upsetting her-- does she really just hate playing, is someone picking on her, is it the competitive nature of it all? I feel like maybe if I knew the actual reason, that might influence my decision although, ultimately, 2 months more is a long time to be dreading something.

[tonksy]

Jan 19, 2015 21:49:57 GMT -5 legomyago said:

I too would like my daughter to stick out what she's committed to. I say this because my parents let me quit those things so easily, and I never had a landing spot because of that. Does she have a flair for dramatics? Only you know her best - I had this problem with my daughter for the past few weeks of dance class last season, but I made her stick it out through recital. And now she is back this year in class and doing much better. But I know for her, she likes to be really dramatic and stubborn. That and I think a different mix of kids made a difference too.

This is totally part of the problem. She is diva to a T. So yes, she says the other girls are mean to her and I ask her what do they do? They don't pass to me. Well maybe honey that's because you are at the wrong end of the field to the goal.

It's hard to know what is a legitimate feeling that needs to be respected and what is being dramatic / blowing things out of proportion.

[tonksy]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. I appreciate them all, hypothetical or based on recent experience.

I am going to reach out to the coaches, and I am going to keep talking to her about what is maybe the root and why it's important to stick to it. We are going to miss 2 weeks for a family vacation anyway, so then we are in mid February before she has to play a game again.


It's very possible she has glommed onto the fact I said she could trade out dance for soccer at the end of the season and she thinks if she complains enough, I will switch her early. I am going to explain it doesn't work that way and dance won't start til April regardless. See if that helps.

There isn't another level for her to play in. It's competitive in the sense the other girls are just so good. It's hard to keep up. Many of them come from highly athletic families as its a very high rated soccer club.

[tonksy]

Jan 19, 2015 20:12:30 GMT -5 sandandsea said:

Also, I think DH should chill out a bit. It's pee wee soccer, and if she sits out and picks dandelions, it's not a big deal. His annoyance and lack of him being there is probably fueling her attitude. She may be thinking if he doesn't have to go why does she?/no one cares/I'm not good enough/etc. So, I'd focus on making it fun and less competitive for her, even if everyone else is competitve.
;

Thanks for saying this. It bugs me to no end. I know he is trying not to let it show, he tries to work through it quietly, and he takes her whenever I am travelling (which is roughly every other month) but I would not be surprised if she has picked up on it.

He is the reason she is signed up for all these sports and I am the one who ends up taking her 90% of the time.
To his credit He has realized that his "dream" of playing sports with his daughter isn't likely going to happen. She is a singing dancing ball of energy and we need to cultivate that, not the things HE wants her to play. So we are definitely focusing on different activities next semester. It's just getting through this one

[calishove]

Wow this is really hard. My boy just turned one and I have no idea what I would do in this situation. Whatever you decide to do, I hope your family feels happier! Keep us updated.

[penguin129]

I agree with PP's about talking to the coaches to see if there is something more to it. Good luck! Let us know what happens.

[tonksy]

Thanks everyone! I had a chat with her about the importance of giving our all and sticking with what we commit to. I explained dance wouldn't start until April even if she left soccer early. And that I expected her to give it her all until the end of the season. We had practice tonight and she did try. No tears and she asked me after if she did good. She told me she tried her hardest and I told her that's all I ask.