Update in OP AW: Am I being to harsh.

[laurensc927]

So I just got the call from my RE that confirmed my suspicions, IUI #1 is a BFN. So tonight I will have to call my mom and tell her. I know she's going to ask me what I will do next and ask for all the details but I don't want to give them to her. I don't want to have to make that phone call every cycle. Is it too harsh of me to answer her "what's the next step" question with "I'm not sure yet but when I find out I'm keeping the info between H and I". I love my mom and I consider her one of my best friends but I don't want to have to make this call at the end of each cycle. Any advice is appreciated.

I would put in a funny GIF for your time but I'm not that savvy yet .

Update: So I spoke to my mom Monday night and told her I wasn't pregnant. I then had to explain how I knew, you know blood test, no margin of error. She asked about next steps and I gave her the info I had at the time which was an ultrasound before they would move forward. So I spoke to her again last night, Thursday. Explained I had an ultrasound scheduled for this morning and they would go over what I would do next. I also said if I shared every detail of the process with her it wouldn't be a surprise when I got pregnant. Here's where it gets good...She just called me, at work, to ask if I was pregnant! She took some of the things I was saying last night as me lying to her b/c I wanted to wait until I was further along. I then told her she was cut off from information in the future because not only did I not want to tell her every month that I wasn't pregnant, I didn't want to have to answer her question of if I really was. I did this all jokingly by telling her she was out of the "circle of trust" and saying she was lucky I haven't started clomid yet because they are doubling my dose lol. So all that to say I didn't follow everyone's advice with the polite things to say. We were both laughing and joking so she may not know I am being serious, in which case I will use one of the more appropriate to the point lines you ladies have already provided for me. Hopefully I provided a little laugh for a Friday, here's to a great weekend!

[lemonliz]

I don't think that's too harsh. I might just cut that last part out, though, and just tell her you don't know yet. I keep the details on a need-to-know basis with my parents.

[LavishPeach]

**hugs** What a tough spot to be in. My mom is one of my best friends so I understand the dilemma. You want to be able to lean on her if you need support, but don't necessarily want to have to explain every last detail to her. Sometimes you just need time to process before you talk to other people.

Perhaps there's a better phrasing than what you wrote above. You could just be honest with her, that having to explain everything after receiving bad news is really hard on you but that you'll share with her when you're ready. I'm sure she just wants to be there for you.

Good luck

[Deleted]

I'm sorry about your BFN

I agree with lemonliz. I think what you've written is fine, but maybe keep it as "we're not sure yet". I don't blame you for not wanting to have to fill her in though. BFNs suck.

[laurensc927]

Thanks ladies. I'll keep it short and sweet with a "we're not sure yet". I've told her that my RE does a "clomid check" if you aren't pregnant after the first cycle, which is true. But I think I'll use that as an excuse and make it sound like it delays things to buy me some time.

[bluefairy5]

Yeah, I think lemonliz and LavishPeach have some good ideas. Either abridging to just "We don't know yet, no," or rephrasing slightly to "We don't know yet and we discussed it and we may be giving fewer blow-by-blow updates to everyone; it's pretty hard on us to discuss it every time we have to go back to the drawing board" if you feel you'd like to (rather than "need" to) explain further.

I always dread telling my mom about my BFNs.

[daydreamsam]

I don't think you are being too harsh, I agree with the other ladies that sticking with "we don't know yet" is a good idea. I do a lot of after the fact explaining to my family, in fact, I didn't tell them IUI#4 had been cancelled until two months later when I got over the pain from it.

[remylove1011]

Jan 19, 2015 16:05:03 GMT -5 laurensc927 said:

Thanks ladies. I'll keep it short and sweet with a "we're not sure yet". I've told her that my RE does a "clomid check" if you aren't pregnant after the first cycle, which is true. But I think I'll use that as an excuse and make it sound like it delays things to buy me some time.

That sounds like it would be best. You could just start saying you're still deciding what to do next and are not sure yet. If you guys are super close you could also tell her exactly what you told us. Let her know that you're still seeking treatment, but that it's hard to call and say "nope not pregnant" at the end of each month. You can let her know that you'll tell her if things change. I've been telling my mom about the whole process, but my inlaws don't even know that anything is wrong or that we're getting treatment. It's whatever works best for you and YH. Sorry for the BFN. {{HUGS}}

[Ann612]

I agree with lemonliz - I would just say you don't know and leave it at that.  It's fine to be vague but I think spelling out that you're not telling her might come across as hurtful to her.  

[lindy04aggie]

I'm sorry about the BFN.

What I told my mom was something like, "I'm greatful that you're there for me when I need to talk about it, and understanding when I'm not able to." My mom totally backed off and waits for me to initiate the convo now. Good luck!

[christieh917]

I am with you on this. It is a hard place. First of all, sorry about the BFN. Second, I cut my mother-in-law off a long time ago. I got sick of the constant questioning. She was calling my hubby daily and asking what was going on with this IVF cycle. We all know that nothing changes daily with a cycle. I finally told her that we were putting it all on hold until we buy a house. Hopefully that will give me enough time.

[laurensc927]

Love it lindy04aggie I think she would definitely pick up on that.

[Deleted]

My dad paid for my IVF package and I felt "obligated" to tell him what is going on throughout the whole process. He was also interested in hearing our journey because he is our biggest supporter. After our terrible loss after IVF#1, I told him that the whole process of IVF and the losses was much more stressful than I anticipated and that I would prefer to tell him details when we had better news to share. Until then, I didn't want to talk about it. He was completely fine and told me that he was there if I ever wanted to talk. I don't think that your mom will be offended. She just wants it to work out for you, which is why she wants to be included.

[snd1231]

PP have given great advice. Just wanted to say sorry for the BFN

[lilycakes78]

Sounds like you got a lot of good advice. FWIW I don't think you are being too harsh. And I'm really sorry about your BFN.

[bluejoan]

I'm sorry about the BFN. It's harsh and then to have to make calls every time is even worse. I know some of the other ladies think it may be harsh but I would tell her that you need to play things closer to the vest. (depending on how you want to word it). I had to do this with my mom and it helped me stress levels immensely. My therapist and I talked about and due to our mother/daughter relationship and boundary issues this was the best way for me to proceed.

It's hard to make decisions like this but whatever you decide, know you have a safe place with us.

[MrsRC88]

Sorry about the BFN . This is the part that I dread about having trouble trying to conceive... We haven't told either sets of parents that we are trying, let alone that we are almost 2 years in without any luck. I think H has mentioned to his dad that we have tried, but I don't know how much he has shared. I know if we get a dx or start treatment that we will have to tell our parents- that's something I'm not looking forward to. I hope the conversation goes well and that your mom respects your feelings.

[o2girl]

((((hugs)))) I'm very sorry about the BFN. I agree with lemonliz...I would just tell her that you don't know yet. HTH

[vballbaby]

I'm sorry about the BFN:( I agree with the other ladies and I can totally understand where you're comingr from. If I have to cycle again I'm keeping the details between DH and I. It it definitely draining to have so many ppl in the loop. For us we just got excited and we are pretty open and shared too much My MIL especially was very involved and wanted to know details.

[BKyarnlover]

PP have great advice. I just wanted to say sorry about your BFN.

[durham1008]

I'm just intrigued that there are so many people who tell their parents these things. My parents don't know that we are trying at all, much less that we've been trying for over 4 years. That's nice that you're close with your mom.

[laurensc927]

Jan 19, 2015 20:32:30 GMT -5 durham1008 said:

I'm just intrigued that there are so many people who tell their parents these things. My parents don't know that we are trying at all, much less that we've been trying for over 4 years. That's nice that you're close with your mom.

With my mom I started to fill her in when I started testing, she's never really asked me before that. With my MIL I was forced to tell her that we were having problems when she wouldn't let up with the when are you going to give me grandchildren shpeel (sp?). I've been keeping things from MIL otherwise she would want every.little.detail.

Thanks for all the advice ladies!

[Deleted]

I agree - be honest and say how you feel and that you don't feel good about sharing BFNs every month. I feel the same way. Also, I had to be very clear with my mom that our decisions were between me an DH only. But I have a difficult mom.

[Martinis&Medicine]

Don't feel guilty about only sharing certain things with your mum....or anyone for that matter. I didn't even tell my mum we were trying, let alone having trouble, until the 2 year mark. And it was only because my SIL told the town blabber mouth so I knew it would get back to my parents and thought it would be better coming from me.

Tell your mum what you want to tell, and keep the rest to yourself. It's ok.

Hope it goes well ::hugs::

[bluejoan]

Jan 19, 2015 20:32:30 GMT -5 durham1008 said:

I'm just intrigued that there are so many people who tell their parents these things. My parents don't know that we are trying at all, much less that we've been trying for over 4 years. That's nice that you're close with your mom.

I had to let my mom in on our trouble since she was publicly putting us on the spot about not making her a grandmother.  I let her know that it was hurtful since we've been trying for over a year and if she continued calling us out I was going to have to put her in her place publicly as well and I wasn't going to be nice.


We have an unusually relationship that I'm working with a therapist to resolve on my end and extricate her from being too involved in my life.  

[laurensc927]

I've updated my OP with the insane question my mom just called me with!

[shytimes]

Wow , seems like she totally missed the mark! I'm sorry... sending lovetits. We told our family a lot of details with the IUIs, but found it was too hard when we got into IVF. We gave them general details during stims, but now are just saying "we're waiting to see how I respond and will know more next month." It works for me, because a) parents don't know nearly as much as anyone going through this and b) making sure we progress is kind of based on your body's response. I'm super close with my mom and she calls all the time for intel, so I know how hard this must be for you.

[laurensc927]

Jan 23, 2015 13:58:22 GMT -5 shytimes said:

Wow , seems like she totally missed the mark! I'm sorry... sending lovetits. We told our family a lot of details with the IUIs, but found it was too hard when we got into IVF. We gave them general details during stims, but now are just saying "we're waiting to see how I respond and will know more next month." It works for me, because a) parents don't know nearly as much as anyone going through this and b) making sure we progress is kind of based on your body's response. I'm super close with my mom and she calls all the time for intel, so I know how hard this must be for you.

I feel like I need to be all or nothing with my mom because she will consult google and call me out if she realizes the timeline I give her doesn't correspond. We'll see how it goes next time we talk. Like I said we left it good but we'll see how she responds when I don't share.