How to talk about breastfeeding with friends/coworkers

[brusselssprout]

My lunch conversation went something like this when I mentioned that I am still breastfeeding my 10-month old...


her: woah, you're still breastfeeding!? that must be really difficult for you

me: no actually, its great! Now that I'm not pumping at work anymore, I'm just nursing in the evenings and mornings

her: well I guess it has its pluses and minuses

me: I cant think of any minuses really, it might be difficult for some people, but for me it was pretty easy, especially now that I'm not pumping, and the daycare says she's been sick less often than most of the other kids...

her: well I guess you must have to wake up really early
her: and if you gave her formula, you could do things while you gave it to her

me: actually I can check emails or whatever while nursing, and I don't have to get up early to make bottles, its all ready to go, and fewer dishes!
...awkward silence and conversation shift



Also had a conversation with another coworker quite a while back (who is a mom of a 5 and 8 yr old), when DD was 5 months old, I don't remember all of it, but it went something like...

her: why are you still breastfeeding?

me: I guess because it's the best for her, and I had a cow milk allergy as a kid, which I don't want her to get, and all the doctors recommend exclusive breastfeeding until 6 months at least

her: what, are we in Africa!?

...I was completely floored and didn't know what to say.



Any advice for how to educate others without coming off sounding like a pompous know-it-all?  I don't want to be completely in the closet about breastfeeding when people ask me directly... I feel like I could have handled both better, but not sure how.

[casey]

I understand the hard balance. I want to be open and normalize, but I don't want people to feel as if I'm throwing something in their face, pushy, etc. at this point, I just keep things pretty short and sweet,

"yes, we've been fortunate to have a smooth breastfeeding path." Or
"When, we were started, I was hoping we'd be able to make 6 months, I'm so glad we are tracking Toward the [minimum 1 year recommended by pedi] [2 years recommended by the who]." Or
"I'm so appreciative for the breastfeeding support at my pedi's office, they've really helped us keep going strong."

A few months ago, leah asked to nurse while I was chatting with my boss (female, 60s, never had children) at a work/family event. Boss was sipping a drink through a straw. She asked about whether we were still nursing, said something about teeth, and winced. I just said, "you have a full set of teeth and don't seem to have any trouble getting that drink up your straw. It's really not much different. You could bite your straw, but then you're not goingg o get your drink." She hasn't said anything since

[casey]

Forgot to add: sounds like your friend has an agenda or personal experience she's trying to reconcile. In those situations, there's not much one can do. Maybe something like, "I understand and expect everyone's experience is different. If this stops working for us, it's good to know we have other options."

[bantyrooster]

With people who are negative I just keep it simple. "Yep we are and its working" que subject change. People who had honest questions I answered. After 12 months not many people asked and if they did I answered. Like others I don't want to be pushy but if they want info I will give it. Bf is a hot mommy war topic.

[rayray007]

Fortunately most people I know BF and I haven't run into those types of conversations. I bet it would be hard to find a balance between simply having a conversation and answering questions/informing people, and sounding like a zealot.

[michelle142]

I don't get why others think it's their business/any of their concern in the first place. I haven't run into any of these conversations with coworkers, but I've had friends side eye me for breastfeeding past 6 months and then well past a year. If they make a snide comment, I generally respond with "but I saved so much money not buying formula!". Then they stop.

[brusselssprout]

Very true. I think part of it might be cultural, since I'm living in a foreign country... these were both Belgians who I had these conversations with.

[jennlin]

I haven't had anything as negative or surprising as these, but similar.. And I'll reply about how sad it is that the cultural norm is to quit breastfeeding when it is really the most natural way to feed your baby. It's not meant to be easy, and takes a little work to get started.. I try to remind people that their negative opinions aren't their fault, but a result of society, and something that needs to change. I will remind them how normal and accepted extended breastfeeding is in other parts of the world as well as the biological weaning age of humans.

[masonjar]

I've gotten some of the same reactions from family members. It's frustrating but I don't care what they think. LO is only 6.5 months, but I'm proud to have bf this long.

Try to not let people's comments get to you. I see BFing as an accomplishment. I just explained to my family how important it was to me and the kind of health benefits LO is receiving. It pretty much shut them up.

[bantyrooster]

Jan 20, 2015 10:30:05 GMT -5 brusselssprout said:

Very true. I think part of it might be cultural, since I'm living in a foreign country... these were both Belgians who I had these conversations with.

Surprising! Most other countries (not the US) have longer bf rates. I also like to throw the "it saves so much money " around.

[wilburbud]

I'm sorry you had such an uncomfortable conversation with a friend about this. It shouldn't be that way. I've had some weird conversations with negative responses, but I'm always armed with facts ready to bounce off them and feel confident in my decisions. That's all you can do.

[puffandstuff]

When DD1 was 10 months old, I posted a 10 month picture on Facebook. A friend said something about bottles and I said she never took a bottle, so she just nurses. I got a lot of comments about not having any freedom, the ability to drink and that she's too old. It got exhausting telling them that it works for me, it's recommended and I'm not missing anything. I never once bashed formula, but some people took offense to my breastfeeding stance. I don't post anything about DD2 on Facebook because of this experience. I usually say "Breast milk is the best food and I'm too cheap to buy formula".

[brusselssprout]

Thanks for all the warm fuzzies and suggestions -

p.s. I like that this new board says "love tits" when I click the heart! very on topic!

[hedgehog]

I vary my responses based on who I'm talking to.

When I'm talking to other moms who used formula and who seem to judge BF, I bring up the health benefits for me too - namely a significantly reduced risk of breast cancer, which is something many can understand.

[melody330]

Sorry you are having trouble with your coworkers. I am in a similar situation, and I have found it easiest to answer genuinely to those who are actually interested in having a conversation and be short and sweet to those who are just being nosy.

My DS just turned one, so its been the topic of conversation in the faculty room. Only one of my co workers BF, and that was only until 9 months when he 'self weaned'. I've been getting comments like, "Aren't you so glad to be done nursing?!". I just answer nicely that I don't plan on weaning until 2 and judge away if you want! Obviously I say it in a joking manner, and some people are receptive others just say "ew!". *shurg*

Hope you figure something out!

[salemkitty]

I get this a lot too from coworkers and family. My sister BF but only to 6~9months. I'm getting pressure from her and my Mom to stop. I have an easy out because DS has a lot of food allergies his allergist and pediatrician both recommended we go to 2 at least. I have been able to satisfy most people with that response. I have gotten some insensitive comments from people who I know were just dealing with their own issues with not breastfeeding. It doesn't make it easier, really, but I tend to just smile and nod at them.

All this to say, I'm sorry you are going through this. Breastfeeding can be difficult and knowing you have support can help get you through tough times. For me personally this board has helped because it gives me a place where breastfeeding is normalized.
Good Luck to you

[things]

Jan 20, 2015 9:05:20 GMT -5 casey said:

Forgot to add: sounds like your friend has an agenda or personal experience she's trying to reconcile. In those situations, there's not much one can do. Maybe something like, "I understand and expect everyone's experience is different. If this stops working for us, it's good to know we have other options."

I was going to say this. It's not uncommon in situations like this.

The majority of mothers I associate with breastfeed/breastfed their children into toddlerhood, so it's no big deal. However, there's always annoying comments or questions from people not exposed to breastfeeding or are mostly uncomfortable with it. I'm betting my MIL will ask about LO breastfeeding past 3-6 months since she only wanted to breastfeed her kids for a few months. I look forward to it only because I want to see her reaction when I nonchalantly tell her that the plan is to hit at least 24 months. If she self-weans before that as my other three did, fine, but I'm hoping for 24 months. The look on her face will be priceless.

[flcl]

You sound like you're doing the best you can with your coworkers. It can be so uncomfortable sometimes! When I get anti BF comments from people who aren't moms yet or people who have never BF, it's easy to understand their lack of knowledge on the subject. It's the moms who have BF who say things that surprise me. My responses to both parties is usually short and sweet: BF is working great for us now. I usually like to throw in that it's ok they didn't choose to BF/BF this long, etc but I beleive it's important that women get to choose how they feed their children.

[theresat858]

I don't have a problem coming off as a bitch if someone questions why I'm nursing my child. It's not my fault that mom didn't nurse her babies until they were at least 1. (that's usually where these people with these insecurities come from).
I just say, oh, the AAP says to nurse until 1 and the WHO recommends nursing until 2. It's still working for us, and I'll nurse my baby until it isn't.

[SpinsOffResonance]

Jan 20, 2015 10:30:05 GMT -5 brusselssprout said:

Very true. I think part of it might be cultural, since I'm living in a foreign country... these were both Belgians who I had these conversations with.

this doesn't surpise me. From my experience with my European friends, very few of them kept nursing after their maternity leave was over. it doesn't seem to be as common as in the US to pump at work and continue nursing. Probably because mat leave is so much longer in the first place.

[Deleted]

Sometimes it really is best to just change the subject.
My husband had a supposed good friend and coworker who said something about nursing and my husband asked if she was breastfeeding her baby and she reported him to Hr for talking about her boobs at work lol. Needless to say she wasn't really that good of friend and he had a great but awkward talk with hr about breastfeeding

[bsquaredmsquared]

I didn't think that the first conversation that you quoted was negative...it struck me more as awkward with the person not knowing what to say. I'm BF and I've said things to a co-worker that BF for a year like "wow, that must have been difficult"...I meant it as a compliment that she made it a priority given her demanding work schedule...so I think it's easy to misunderstand harmless comments.

I like many of the suggestions made by the ladies here as responses like "it's working for us", "medical community recommends it for a minimum of a year" "its working well for us". Best to make a positive and non-apologetic statement and move on if someone is prying or judging.

[byjove]

I'm with casey. If people make a comment like are you still breastfeeding? I usually say the AAP recommends til at least 1 year or now that she is 18 months I say the WHO recommends til 2. If it is a male coworker or a single female friend, I think they are usually generally just curious and I will try not to talk about it too much. Sometimes I'll say something about how it's a relief to know she is getting nutrition when she is sick or being a picky eater. If the person wants to be combative, I don't think there is much you can do.

[mooncharm]

I really hate the awkward comments about this. I am "fortunate" to have an excuse, explaining that is best for DS's allergies, but even without allergies I would be BF, so that's just an excuse. I hate when people comment about the teeth hurting. It's an adjustment when they are exploring with their new teeth, but it's not a reason to stop!

[iloverunning]

I think you handled the questions/conversations just fine.

With DS I never offered up anything unless asked but was always straightforward and honest. At some point people stopped asking bc they had assumed we were no longer BFing even though we were. i should add that I try to be sensitive towards other mothers who may have had trouble BFing.

[jtizzay]

Stop listening and don't get hurt. I just smile and nod. I am ebf w a 10 month old. I'm over schooling people. I think people try and make themselves feel better. Uber empathy over here!!

[brusselssprout]

Aww thanks guys, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy now :-)

BF is totally worth the awkward convos: just got back from a long weekend touristing around France, and was so glad to have a boob to give DD so I didn't have to find a way to wash / fill / refrigerate bottles on the go!