Rough night (dear diary)

[cabgirl]

I'm just sort of wanting to let this out, and I didn't know where else to go. I hope you guys don't mind.

I had a nightmare last night that I didn't lose my baby, and that I gave birth to her. She was maybe almost a year old, had some characteristic signs of Turner's syndrome, and was perfect. I was travelling somewhere with her and my mother - some sort of road trip, where we were visiting a lot of old bookstores and staying at inns. Anyway, somehow (not clear on how), she got left behind in the car during a stop, just for a moment, and when I realized it I went running frantically back for her, but the car doors were all open and she was gone from her car seat. I knew in the dream someone had taken her.

I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing, and I couldn't stop. It woke up my husband. I couldn't calm down, I just felt like everything was crashing down on me again, like it happened yesterday and not in February. I had a baby, she was growing, I loved her so much, and she died. In the dream, I was almost always holding and kissing her. I was over the moon in love with her. I can't even describe the crushing feeling in that dream of realizing my baby was gone. When I woke up, I realized: not only is my baby gone forever, but I never got to hold or kiss her, and I never will. And of course, I knew this before, but it was like the full agony of it came over me all over again, after weeks of healing and feeling like the worst was behind me.

I ended up hyperventilating (I think?), finding it hard to breathe, so I took an Ativan my doctor had prescribed me after the loss. And eventually I stopped crying and went back to sleep. I'm a mess this morning, though, and I don't know where this came from. I was doing pretty well. I got my period 4 weeks after the D&C, and now I'm on my first cycle, in my fertile window, actively trying again with H. Maybe that's why this is happening; maybe I'm not ready. I can't go through this again.

Part of me feels silly or like there's something wrong with me for grieving so hard. I was only 9 weeks. There are women here who lost their sons and daughters much later into pregnancy. I've been past the miscarriage now for longer than I actually knew I was pregnant (five weeks). But I feel like what I lost was immeasurable. Knowing that my baby was a girl and that Turner's babies sometimes survive (and live full and happy lives) both makes it realer and turns the knife. She left a hole in me that won't just be filled by another baby if we conceive again. I still light a candle most nights next to the box I made of her ultrasound photos, crystals and rosebuds, and talk to her (which probably sounds crazy). It makes me sad to think there might be a time months or years from now when I don't do that anymore. 

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist a few weeks ago, and it's on Thursday, but I'm going to call today when they open and see if I can get in sooner. I'm still having panic attacks, and after last night I'm scared. I don't know what any of this might mean for TTC again; if maybe we'll need to put it on hold til I can pull myself together, or if I need medication. I don't know. Any good thoughts or prayers from you guys would be awesome, if you've managed to read this far. Thanks for letting me vent here.

[hollyberry]

Of course you are welcome to vent here! I am so sorry about your vivid dream, and it bringing up so many feelings. I offer you so many hugs. I would guess that it has to do with ttc, and the fact that you are in FW, But who knows. I am just sorry you had it. And know, no matter what happens in life, you will never forget the daughter that you lost.Even if you dont light the candle everyday, She will always be your first baby, and have a very special place in your heart. Sending so many thoughts and prayers your way. *hugs* GL with getting a earlier appointment.

[cabgirl]

Mar 30, 2015 10:19:46 GMT -5 hollyberry said:

Of course you are welcome to vent here! I am so sorry about your vivid dream, and it bringing up so many feelings. I offer you so many hugs. I would guess that it has to do with ttc, and the fact that you are in FW, But who knows. I am just sorry you had it. And know, no matter what happens in life, you will never forget the daughter that you lost.Even if you dont light the candle everyday, She will always be your first baby, and have a very special place in your heart. Sending so many thoughts and prayers your way. *hugs* GL with getting a earlier appointment.

Thank you so much. 

[babyzebra]

I'm so so sorry to hear about this nightmare you had. I totally can understand how upsetting that must have been for you. I really feel like our dreams are things that we are thinking about that we may or may not even realize. You lost your daughter and have every right to be devastated about that. I think making an appointment to see a psychiatrist sounds like a great plan. We are here to listen to you vent as long as you need to. I will be thinking and praying for you.

[cabgirl]

Mar 30, 2015 11:24:39 GMT -5 babyzebra said:

I'm so so sorry to hear about this nightmare you had. I totally can understand how upsetting that must have been for you. I really feel like our dreams are things that we are thinking about that we may or may not even realize. You lost your daughter and have every right to be devastated about that. I think making an appointment to see a psychiatrist sounds like a great plan. We are here to listen to you vent as long as you need to. I will be thinking and praying for you.

Thanks so much, to both you and hollyberry. It means more to me than I can say to have a place to talk about this where people understand and can relate. The hardest part about all of this is how alone I feel, because even though H was heartbroken too, he doesn't feel quite the same way about it, because he didn't feel the same connection with our baby that I did (which is understandable, I think). You guys lessen that feeling of aloneness by reaching out and validating what I'm feeling. I really appreciate it.

[nikolie93]

Oh hon, I'm so very sorry. That dream sounded so horrible *hug*

I think maybe the fact that your TTC again may have played part in triggering your dream and I had something similar happen to me. You have to understand that no matter what you will always remember and always love that baby.

Also it doesn't matter if you have a loss at 5 weeks, 9 weeks, or later. As soon as we find out we are pregnant we form a bond with that baby. Don't think you should be any less sad because you weren't as far along as others may have been.

I'm glad you're going to talk to someone, sometimes that helps so very much.

So many *hugs* and positive thoughts going your way.

[swivelchair5]

So sorry to hear about your rough night. The grief really does sneak up on you sometimes. I have had a few sleepless nights lately like I did right after my loss and I am attributing that to TTC again.

I hope your day got better.

[starfishy]

I'm so sorry that you experience that dream. I've had a few scary ones also.

As for the anxiety. Mine has flown through the roof since my miscarriage. I've gotten to the point where I'm making myself sick. Now I've always been an anxious person but the miscarriage and hormones have led me to really struggle the last 4 weeks. ( I was even told to take some time on FMLA). I tell you this to know that you are not alone. Anxiety after an experience like this is very normal. I will also call a psychiatrist because I need someone to help give me some tools and strategies to deal with my anxiety. It needs to be done before I try to conceive again, because otherwise I don't know how I'll deal.

I will be thinking of you and wish you the best. Please know you are not alone, your feelings are valid and you are always welcome to speak/message me if you want to talk.

[ronniesgirl]

You cannot quantify grief, so make sure you are extra kind to yourself.

[cabgirl]

nikolie93, swivelchair5, starfishy, ronniesgirl, thank you all so much. I really can't even tell you how much it means to me to have people I can open up to, who can relate and who validate how I'm feeling. I'm so grateful to you for listening and responding.

starfishy, I have the same thing going on with anxiety. I thought for a little while that it was getting better, but lately it's been so bad (at night in particular) that it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm glad you decided to look for some help, too. It isn't something I really like to talk about, but I suffered from PTSD in the past (as the result of a traumatic event that had nothing to do with pregnancy), and some of what I'm going through now reminds me of that, especially the nightmares and anxiety. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it, too. It's absolutely awful. Thanks so much for the offer to talk. I might take you up on that offer some night. Please feel free to message me anytime, too.

[monabea28]

cabgirl I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had such an upsetting dream. I've found that grief tends to come in waves for me, sometimes with a big or intense wave coming out of the blue (at least it feels like that). I do wonder if TTC again might be one trigger for you. I know that has made me feel really vulnerable/at risk of getting hurt again. In terms of your prior PTSD, it makes sense that some of these symptoms are being triggered or coming back after the recent trauma of your loss. I say this not only as someone who works in the mental health field, but also as someone who has struggled with anxiety myself for a long time. It's wonderful that you are reaching out to a professional - hopefully it will bring you a greater sense of calm and control soon.

[starfishy]

cabgirl it just sucks. Really sucks. I go back to the OB tomorrow and plan on mentioning all this to him. My primary doctor was just wonderful (as I sat bawling in his office) and I'll always be grateful for how he treated me and my feelings. I just never thought I would feel this way, for this long. Which of course brings up the guilt and increases anxiety.
I've had lots of very supportive people around me - my mom, my H, a trusted coworker (the school social worker) and interestingly enough my principal. I've noticed that every once in awhile she'll come check on me. I just find it hard to find people that "get it". I also don't want to to talk and talk about it. Tough all around.

I'm sorry to hear about your trauma in the past. Although I can't relate I can understand how it would resurface and increase your anxiety again. I hope you get a peaceful night sleep and feel a sense of calm more days than not in the future.

[hollyberry]

I think alot of the woman here definitely relate to how you feel and anxiety. My anxiety has also increased since the loss. And everyday is a different day, you can never tell if it will be a good day or a bad day. I hope you are feeling better today. We are here when you need us. Hugs

[amandaree]

So many hugs to you cabgirl! I can imagine that was a horrible feeling to experience that dream. With my last miscarriage I experienced awful nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety and terrible depression. I sought help through grief counseling and it really helped. I think it has helped me this time around as I am coping much better. So I pray that they can get you in earlier so you can start treatment sooner and get the help you need. And if not, I pray you can have the strength to hang in there until they can get you in. (((HUGS)))

[lovetruly2015]

Lots and lots of hugs your way!!!!

[rablissful]

I am so sorry for your dream and anxiety. I'm glad you're going to get help, I hope it gives your done piece. Just know that no matter how far along you were, your grief is real and understandable and justified. Everyone grieves differently and it can rear it's ugly head weeks and months later. Big ((hugs)) to you!

[mrssqueegy]

Late seeing this. What a horrible feeling to wake up to. Big hugs to you!

[vballbaby]

cabgirl, I'm so sorry you had such a nightmare, your post made me totally cry. I am not telling you that to make you feel bad at all. Sometimes I feel like I have moved on from my loss too quickly, and that I haven't fully grieved so it almost feels good to feel the feelings and be a little sad. I think we will have setbacks for quite some time and they may just come when we're not expecting them, as in dreams. The candle you light for your little girl sounds lovely. I still would like to memorialize my loss, I just haven't figured out how yet. I'm glad you had the ativan to calm you down. I used up all my xanex the week after my loss and wished I had more. ((hugs))