QOTD 3/30

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Tell us a joke.

ETA: You can use the red triangle icon in the formatting toolbar (far right on my Firefox browser) to hide the punchline.

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A guy is sitting in the bar on the top floor of a skyscraper drinking cocktails. After a few, he says to the guy sitting next to him, "I'll bet you $10 I can jump out of the window without getting hurt." The other guy says "Yeah, ok," and puts $10 on the bar. The first guy jumps out the window. The other guy is panicking and heads for the elevator.

A few moments later, the elevator door opens and the first guy walks off, unharmed. The other guy says "I don't believe it! You are ok!" And the first guy says, "You owe me $10. Let's have another drink."

After another drink, the first guy says to the other guy "I'll bet you $20 you can't jump out the window without getting hurt." The other guy, now drunk as a skunk says "If you can do it, I can do it," and he jumps out the window.

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click for punchline}The bartender brings the first guy another drink and says "You really are an asshole when you get drunk, Superman!"

[fiveohfive]

I'm bad at jokes, but this made me giggle

The Evolution of a Parent:

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:


Your Clothes :

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.


The Baby's Name:

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect


Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.


The Baby's clothes:

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?


Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.


Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.


Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.


At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

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LOL fiveohfive, especially the hiding from the kids!

[Deleted]

At the end of a play, the usher came across a man who was laying sprawled across two seats in the orchestra section of the seats.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get up," the usher said. "You can't just lay across two seats."

The man muttered something unintelligible, but didn't get up.

Angered, the usher threatened to get the manager, but, again, the man just mumbled something that wasn't quite words. The usher stormed off and got the manager. The manager came over and the man still hadn't moved.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but you need to get up now," the manager said calmly.

The man made no move to get up, and, once again, murmured something neither the manager nor the usher could decipher.

"Sir, either get up and leave the theatre, or I'm getting the police," the manager threatened.

Once more, the man said something unintelligible. The manager and the usher both left and returned with a police officer.

"What's your name?" the officer demanded to know.

"Bob," the man wheezed out.

"Well, Bob, where are you from?" the officer pressed.

With pain filled eyes, the man looked upwards. "The balcony."