Host - etiquette questions

[amberlie]

I'm 22 weeks right now with my first and two friends have offered to host a shower in June. I've accepted and think it's very sweet. I don't want to be involved in planning at all as I feel that's not my place outside of providing a guest list. However, they've both had several ideas that I'm concerned about. The first is requesting that guests not bring clothing as a gift. I don't necessarily need lots of clothes but I don't feel it's right to dictate what gifts a guest can bring. Also suggested was having guests bring a book instead of a card (she said she thought of this because she plans to use a book theme for the shower). Last, she wants to have guests address an envelope upon arrival for a thank-you note. Honestly, I don't like any of these ideas and would rather not have them at the shower. But I also don't want to make planning decisions. Do I just let it happen or is there a proper way to suggest not using these particular ideas?

[Bluedaisy]

While I'm normally on the side of the guest of honour trying to stay out of the planning this would be a situation where I spoke up. Even though your hostess is the one doing these things it will be your friends and family affected and it will reflect poorly on you (especially since your guests might not know it wasn't your idea in the first place).

As a guest I would be offended by any of these things but all three together? At that point I would be really annoyed, especially at the thank you card addressing.

I'd just tell her (very kindly of course) that you'd rather not dictate what guests can buy and that you've already got the thank you cards handled so she doesn't need to worry about that.

[ECB]

Of those 3 ideas, I'd probably speak up about:

- her telling people not to bring clothes (and really, WTH to this. This is a shower for YOU - why is SHe dictating what gifts people bring??) I"d just make it a simple "Oh, please don't. I really want people to get what THEY want to get for me. I really enjoy seeing what people get and thinking about them whenever I use their gift".

- addressing the envelopes. With that one, I'd perhaps say something about how you already have some nice thank you notes that you want to use. If she says "bring them and we'll put them out!", just happen to forget them the day of the shower.

The book in lieu of a card - while I'm not a fan of this, I've seen this discussed where a lot of people just love it and think it's fine. And as there are already 2 other things to try and dissuade her of, I'd probably opt to leave this one alone.

[amberlie]

Bluedaisy, I agree with you. I'm not into guests of honor contributing to planning in any way, but I don't want guests to be annoyed by these things either. I'll definitely try to find a way to gently steer away from these ideas and see how she responds. Thank you for your advice.

ECB, thanks for the suggestions. I don't really know where the clothes thing came from. She had a baby last year and just told me that she'd gotten too much clothing and that it would have been better to only get other stuff. I would really rather guests bring whatever they want. I'll have a registry, but it's really more of a list to help me remember everything I need to get. It's their money and time that they're choosing to spend to celebrate with me, so telling them exactly what to buy seems really rude. I think I can swing that with the thank you notes - maybe I can also just tell her that we could re-print the address labels for the invitations? That way I can avoid it without hurting her feelings. I also think I'll go with your suggestion for the book in lieu of a card. While it still seems a bit pushy to me, it doesn't bother me as much as the other issues and I suppose that it might be okay with the shower having a book theme anyway.

[ECB]

To what bluedaisy said, ONE of these things might make me roll my eyes a little, but overall - eh, whatever. But all 3? I imagine getting the invitation - "don't bring clothes but bring a book!!!". That alone is pushing. I've already been told TWICE now what to bring/ not bring.

THEN to show up and have to address my own envelope?

Amidst all of this, people will be annoyed and will have a bad taste in their mouth.

[Bluedaisy]

One thing you could suggest about the book thing is that you really don't want a ton of signed copies of "Goodnight Moon" or something like that so instead of every guest bringing a book you (or the hostess if she wants) could choose one book that is really special that you would like to keep for the child and have all of the guests at the shower sign that as sort of a guest book.

I am a teacher and a HUGE reader so I want my child to have tons of books but I really hope people don't write in them if we get them for gifts because I won't be able to save every book my child gets and I love to donate books and pass them on to others (once baby grows out of them) which is harder to do if they are written in.

[Bluedaisy]

I think that could be regional I've never been to a shower where that's done.

[alayne926]

Apr 4, 2015 8:48:27 GMT -5 Bluedaisy said:

One thing you could suggest about the book thing is that you really don't want a ton of signed copies of "Goodnight Moon" or something like that so instead of every guest bringing a book you (or the hostess if she wants) could choose one book that is really special that you would like to keep for the child and have all of the guests at the shower sign that as sort of a guest book.

I am a teacher and a HUGE reader so I want my child to have tons of books but I really hope people don't write in them if we get them for gifts because I won't be able to save every book my child gets and I love to donate books and pass them on to others (once baby grows out of them) which is harder to do if they are written in.

This was my way of diffusing the situation with my sister at my shower. I know she was annoyed by it, but I didn't care.  She brought a copy of a book and have everyone write messages in it.  

[Deleted]

I would speak up about it. Any one of her ideas is horribly tacky, the trifecta is just squirkey all the way around.

"Vera, I know you mean well, but I'm actually looking forward to all the cute outfits people might buy. And I know some people really do love buying baby clothes."

"Oh, I'm not a fan of the book-in-lieu-of-a-card idea. What if I wind up with 8 different copies of I'll Love You Forever? Besides, I love the idea of keeping the cards as a keepsake. Perhaps we could get a copy of Mother Goose's Nursery Rhymes and have everyone leave messages in that?"

"Oh, don't worry about having the guests address the envelopes for the thank yous. I already have a sheet of address labels all ready to be printed on my computer."

[kissandglow]

@twinstars is the voice of reason providing sound advice.

[Deleted]

Apr 15, 2015 4:29:14 GMT -5 kissandglow said:

@twinstars is the voice of reason providing sound advice.

Why, thank you!

[jess9802]

All three of these ideas would irritate me as a guest and really bother me as a guest of honor.

Thanks to all the clothes I got at my baby shower I didn't have to buy DS any clothes for a solid 18 months. It was awesome. You're going to need clothes a lot more in the first year than you'll need books.

I agree that having a nice hardbound book as your guest book is the way to go. Let guests who want to buy books buy them.

And just NO to having them write out their own envelope.